Good morning.
- Good morning. - Good morning, Mrs. Howard.
- Uh, Tariq? What are you doing here? - Huh?
Janine's down at the district now.
Dang. She moved to DC?
And take your presumably sticky hands off of my student.
You mean take my definitely sticky hands off of my son.
To quote Maury Povich, "You are not the father."
And to quote the hip-hop legend, Shaquille O'Neal,
"His biological didn't bother."
See, I've been dating his mama for, like, seven weeks.
So technically, I'm a stepdaddy right now.
Ain't that right, Tariq Junior?
That is not his name.
Hey. Have a good day of school, TJ. I love you, Son.
- He just like me.
I guess this technically makes you, like, my step-teacher now, right?
That's cool. That's cool.
- Tariq.
Play-Doh.
Mm-hmm.
My fellowship at the school district is going great.
Still getting the lay of the land.
I just finished helping out with our team's emergency generator plans,
which was right up my alley
because I'm afraid of all natural disasters.
Of which there'll be scores in our lifetime.
I also love to hang out by the watercooler.
Uh, no gossip yet, but I'm super hydrated.
And actually need to wrap this up so that I can pee before my big presentation.
So...
And this is why I'm proposing an educational interpreter
for our hard of hearing student at Abbott Elementary,
using the specialized services fund.
This was brought to my attention by Mr. Jacob Hill, a teacher over at Abbott.
We're well aware of Mr. Hill.
He submitted his resume several times at the behest of no one.
His student, her name is Imani, is making do.
You know, Mr. Hill knows some sign language, but we could be doing more.
- So, this project is for just one kid? - Mm-hmm.
All right. Follow the guidelines and it's approved.
Thank you.
Oh, my God. How fast do you think we can get an interpreter here?
The good news is that's completely up to you.
Oh, my God. I pick tomorrow. No, I pick today.
Just a heads up, since it is only for one kid,
you gotta do all the approvals and paperwork and hiring yourself.
It won't be easy.
So, uh, "good luck."
Taken. Right?
I didn't think you'd get that. What a fun movie.
Well, Janine doesn't need luck. She has a special "set of skills."
"Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads."
That's not from Taken.
No, I know. I thought we're just doing lines from movies.
'Cause I love Taken. Right?
"Oh, man, they took my daughter."
I haven't seen it, but I should work on this.
- Go get 'em. - Okay. Yeah, thanks.
Yo. My man, Mr. Eddie, eating his lunch.
- Bro be eating salad.
Yo, Mr. Eddie, does eating vegetables help you get the ladies?
It's got to. He'll be getting mad females.
More vegetables, more females.
Bet.
- That's what you're telling us, Mr. Eddie? - I've literally said nothing.
Nah, bro. That's low-key genius.
- More greens, more girls. - More girls.
First, it was one or two of them coming in every once in a while.
Now others have joined, and it's every day.
I found out Mr. Morton's been using his classroom
for lunchtime couples therapy,
so they have nowhere else to hang.
I wish the Mortons understood the collateral damage
their relationship is causing.
Mr. Eddie, do you think the Orioles...
But that's what happens, hon.
Hey. Look who it is.
Hi.
I forgot to mention
that Tariq is now the father of one of the students in my class.
You know, I got so good at ignoring Janine,
I never noticed she was pregnant.
That child does not have a child.
Tariq is just dating the student's mother.
- Hey, Mrs. Howard. - Hi.
Hey, mean Italian lady.
Tariq, you cannot keep showing up here unannounced.
Okay, but it's an emergency.
I accidentally took TJ's lunch and I gave him mine.
So I'ma just switch these out real quick.
Take that from you, playboy. Thank you.
Now I'm out of your hair.
That is a Lunchable.
And it is delicious. All right. Have a good day, Junior.
You're not my dad.
That boy hilarious, and he get that from me.
Bye y'all. Mm-mmm!
So, I figured out how to make this ASL interpreter happen.
All I need to do is find some qualified candidates, interview them,
fill out this paperwork, then do a background check,
followed by an employment verification, and then a compatibility check.
And... Right after, I talk to Accounting.
And run it through HR.
And not fall behind on any of my other work. So...
You're looking for Accounts Payable. We're Accounting.
- You need to go down to the third floor. - My B.
These aren't notarized.
And you're gonna need to get a background check completed
and approved by HR before we can sign off.
Not a problem. Thank you.
Uh... Mm-mmm.
This isn't notarized yet.
Well, see, the notary went out to lunch. So I figured I'd just come to you first.
Yeah. You're gonna need to see Emily and to make an official request.
- All right. On my way to Emily. - Emily.
No problem. All I have to do is stamp the word "official" on it.
Okay. Great.
But I can't find my stamp.
So just get this notarized, and in 24 hours to eight weeks,
you'll get the most recent directory, and I'll probably have found my stamp.
Great news.
So, I went back to HR and they told me to see the woman in office 237,
and she'll be able to help me with everything.
So, this is my office.
Okay.
Damn it.
- Hello, Janine. - Oh! What the hell?
I cannot believe you have a picture of Gregory in your desk drawer.
You thought you did for a second.
- What are you doing here? - I'm here with a demand.
- You mean a request. - I need a company card.
A card or a car?
- Card? - No.
- Car? - No... Also, no.
Ava, please, please.
I'm busy trying to get an ASL translator for Jacob's class.
Oh, I'll hire one for you. I'll put it on the company card.
You are not getting a company card.
What is the point of having you here as my mole, if you can't...
- I am not a mole. - Yeah, more like a pimple.
And I'm more important than whatever you're doing for Jacob.
I am trying to help one of his students.
Well, I'm gonna hit the break room
and get another one of these free fancy bubbly waters.
We don't have bubbly waters for fr... Did you take that out of the communal fridge?
I brought this from home.
Hey. I love these random pop-ins.
Really helps fill the Janine-sized hole in my heart.
Well, this isn't a social visit.
I need you to keep your kids out of my class.
Pretty sure all my kids are in my class, but also it's not currently class.
I mean during lunchtime,
and on my free period, and after school,
and any nonwork-related time. Okay?
They come into my class and they loiter.
Loiter? That feels racially charged.
They sit on top of the desks.
They eat their little snack packs and then they talk nonstop.
- They are... - Okay. Okay. Easy.
I'm sorry, I just... I don't see what the big problem is.
I didn't want to have to say this,
but a considerable amount of gas was passed.
Did you actually hear it? Because, you know, whoever smelt it...
I need them to hang out literally anywhere else.
Wait, wait. Hold on.
Are you saying that in their free time
these kids are voluntarily choosing to come into your classroom?
You're beginning to understand the gravity of the situation now.
- Oh, my God. Don't you see? - See what?
Gregory.
You're the cool teacher.
What?
- No. - Yeah, you're cool.
- No, I'm not. Nah. Take it back. - Yeah. You are.
Farrah's birthday is coming up, and I already know what I'm getting her.
A new chain for me.
Wait. What?
Think about it, man.
She'll get to have a boyfriend with a new chain.
Oh, yeah, I guess that makes sense. Farrah's gonna love it.
Back me up, Mr. Eddie.
I will not.
She's not gonna love it.
It's a gift for you, not for her.
What?
I'm giving her sex. The world's greatest currency.
Well, hold on. Let's hear him out.
We know Mr. Eddie's roster is strong. Right, Mr. Eddie?
True.
Okay. Um, I do not have a "roster."
As a grown man?
Sorry to hear that.
I don't call it that because I am a grown man.
Listen, you guys are young, right?
Don't buy a new chain, and don't worry about girls.
Just focus on school, and I promise you,
later, you will have plenty of time to think about girls.
Trust me.
Yes. The position has been approved,
and we think you'd make a great fit for Mr. Hill's class.
Well, no, it's not full-time.
No. You-You wouldn't qualify for health benefits.
Again, no, but there is so much street parking, you... Hello?
- Hey. How's all this going? - Hey.
Well, to be honest, I'm-I'm having a little bit of trouble
finding someone who would do it for the hours and the pay.
Yeah, that's the way it goes.
District protocol makes most of these projects fizzle out.
Whoa. It sounds way worse when he says it.
I mean, what he's saying is true.
Just sounds worse when he says it.
It's okay if you can't do it.
Oh.
Uh. You guys aren't familiar with my game.
Uh, I-I-I-I get it, you know. It's the district.
It's the big leagues, but I'm the Big Teagues.
"The Big Teagues"?
Yeah. So... Uh, yeah.
I'm working on that and this, so I'll figure them both out.
You know, uh, I thought we could watch Set It Off later?
Maybe? You know.
My daddy showed it to me when I was way too young,
so I thought I would do the same for you, TJ, huh?
- Morning.
Good morning.
You know, everybody who has ever met me has loved me, Mrs. Howard,
but I don't think TJ does.
- That's not true, Tariq. - He does love me?
What exactly are you trying to accomplish here?
Well, you know, I might end up being his common-law dad,
if I common-law marry his mom.
So I would like to connect with him so we could be a family for real.
Under the common law.
Well, then you're going to have to establish a genuine relationship with him.
At the start of every school year,
it usually takes me a few weeks to connect with the students,
and I start by using their names.
So you might consider calling him Nick.
Hmm. I don't think it's a good idea to be making up names for the boy, you know.
It might confuse little TJ.
- Nick is his actual name. - It is?
- You... Good morning. - Okay, Mrs. Howard. All right.
- Yeah, everyone's good. - Mmm.
The kids think Gregory's cool now,
which... I'm so glad that I'm secure enough,
and it doesn't bother me that it's him and not me.
- That's good, because usually... - I am not threatened at all.
Anyways, how is it going down at the district? Tell me everything.
Except, I am having a little bit of trouble getting the ASL interpreter.
And I'm gonna fight through it the way I always do.
But I don't know, it's just a different beast over there.
Don't-Don't stress about it.
Imani's parents helped her to get a better speech-to-text program.
My ASL is getting better.
So I can fill in the gaps.
Yeah, we are managing.
And believe me, I know how the district is.
Yeah, but I am the district now.
And I was a teacher, so I get how big this could be.
We'll be good no matter what.
I promise. It's okay.
Yeah. Well, thanks for saying that.
We have so many important things to juggle at the district.
I'm learning you just have to prioritize your time.
I don't know. I-I... I wish I could get the interpreter,
but I just hate that feeling.
It's just...
- And before... - Uh. Uh-oh.
Mr. C recapping one of his boring shows again?
Let me guess. His stories about Martin Short are Martin long.
All right. Y'all go to class.
- Did you see that? - Yes.
And you know, I really think they would respect me more
if you wouldn't make so many jokes at my expense.
I was talking about Imani. Why is she so late on all my jokes?
Oh, it's her hearing aid. It has issues when she's in a group setting.
And so she uses her tablet which, you know, takes a second to transcribe.
But you can't learn on a tape delay.
And I must be experienced live.
I thought Janine was helping with all of this.
I think it just got too hard.
For Janine? The person who got a commercial driver's license
so she could drive a bus in case someone went down? Hell no.
Hmm.
Oh, if it isn't Joe Cool.
We missed you at the bar last night.
Had a few too many Aperol Spritzes.
I might need to take a nap-erol spritz.
You stole that joke from Janine, didn't you?
- What? Are you the comedy police now?
I hate you, Mr. Eddie.
Sweetheart, what is the matter?
Mr. Eddie told Jevon that he should break up with me.
No, no, no, no, no. I did not say that.
Well, what did you say?
Um, Jevon was talking about getting a new chain.
So I told him that he should just, you know, focus on school.
He was gonna buy a new chain?
Okay, are you kidding me?
We've been trying to get Jevon to get a new chain for months.
The old one made him look like a gavone.
We finally had him convinced it with his idea.
The Devil's got her.
- Begone, Satan.
I'ma get my holy mop water.
There, there, sweetheart.
Let's go plot our revenge.
Gregory Eddie, is no woman safe from your incompetence with the opposite sex?
Well, Gregory?
- Is no? - Is no what?
Exactly.
I gotta go.
Farrah gonna be fine. Chill.
- She hates you, bro.
Oh, come on, man.
What...
Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good to me.
I'm going someplace more private right now.
No, you're not.
Just made me hang up on a Nigerian Prince.
Why are you in my classroom?
'Cause it's the only one that's not bugged.
Why are you in here hiding anyway?
Unfortunately, I have become the cool teacher.
Are you done?
The kids keep coming in here and talking about things
I just don't feel comfortable weighing in on.
Join the club. You think I want you coming up to me, asking for advice all the time?
- I don't do that. - Please.
Just think where you'd be if it weren't for me.
Dead.
Hey, where do you get off?
I got all these girls coming to me for advice.
I'm managing a million preteen relationships,
and you go and torpedo everything.
Look, I didn't want any part of this, okay?
They came in and they asked me.
They... They came to you?
Like you're some kind of cool teacher or something?
I'm just as perplexed as you.
I thought the kids coming in here and farting was bad,
but I see it can be a lot worse.
He doesn't want to be cool. Says it's 'cause he hates kids.
You think a man who's been given a second chance at life might wanna pay it forward.
O-Okay, I don't hate kids.
I just don't want the responsibility, okay? And I like my alone time.
Okay. That's fine.
You don't have to do it. I mean, they're not your kids.
- Right. E-Exactly. - Yeah.
I teach first graders. That's what I'm here to do.
And the way I look at it is, I am here for the kids.
But if you want to go ahead and hide out in here, go ahead and do it.
Either way, you owe us a chain, Fonzie.
Glad I could help Gregory with his problem-filled life yet again.
But I'm about to become real rich real quick.
Why am I leaving?
- Wait. She was taken by U2? - That's what you're hung up on.
- I need to see this movie. - It is a good one.
- It's unbelievable.
Janine.
If you could just excuse me for a minute.
Ava, now is not a good time.
- I don't need a meeting to see my mole. - I'm not your mole.
Way to keep your cover, girl.
Look, you have got to get that ASL interpreter.
Little Imani is missing out in class, and even worse,
she's missing all my zingers.
Look, I mean, I-I tried, but it was taking me away from things.
Important things that they need my input on,
and, you know, the interpreter just seemed impossible.
Us being friends... acquaintances was impossible.
- But you made that happen. - This is different.
There's really just too much red tape.
That's no excuse.
Look, I got our eighth graders a field trip to GameStop.
I let somebody bring their pet alligator to school. AVA Fest is a fire hazard.
I've risked everyone's lives and I will do so again
because that's what we do for our kids.
Yeah. Now, while you're mulling that over, I have other business to discuss.
I'm in need of some assistants.
Assistance with what?
- No, I need two assistants. - Get out.
Fine.
Tariq has a son in Barbara's class.
Bye.
Here we go. That's right.
Bye-bye, darling. Do that homework now.
All right, Nick.
It's time to pack up your things, Nick.
You get to choose what we eating tonight as long as you say Bahama Breeze.
I'm just playing, Nick.
We could do a picnic. You get to pick, Nick.
It's your call, man. Come on. Yeah.
That's a good start, Tariq.
It's actually Nick Senior now.
You know what? Your advice goes harder than that thing, Mrs. Howard.
Do you know what? Yes, it does, Tariq.
But I must ask, will the child's mother ever be dropping off and picking up?
No. No, no, no. She works crazy hours, you know?
Somebody gotta pay the bills.
I barely ever see her.
So you'll be here?
Yeah. Twice a day for the rest of the year.
Or until, you know, I find a job or meet somebody else.
So I'll be seeing you every day.
Why? You don't think I can meet somebody else?
You don't get to choose the parents
or stepparents of the children that you teach.
But they say it takes a village.
And sometimes, there's a Tariq in your village.
- Yo. - Hey.
You still hitting that brick wall?
Yeah.
Last year, a mom wrote me a letter asking if we could get a crossing guard
at 52nd and Lancaster.
I know that intersection.
Oh, my ex got hit there, like, four times.
- You see? He knows it's dangerous. - Yeah.
So after I read that letter,
I went through every proper channel, and I just kept coming up empty.
But remember that we brought you here
because of your creative problem-solving skills.
The district never asks how you did something.
And look, you just gotta get it done.
It's worth it.
I'm guessing you're going to be late.
Yes. But I also need to ask you something off the record.
Is this about you being Ava's mole at the district?
I am not Ava's mole.
Way to keep your cover, girl.
I need you to send me the contact information for Imani's parents.
Your door's open?
Yes.
And if you still wanna hang out in here, you can.
But we're gonna do it with boundaries.
Number one, I don't wanna hear anything about your relationships
or the word "females."
Deal.
- Your advice sucked. - Fair enough.
Also, we're not gonna sit around and do nothing. We're gonna be productive.
Can we still fart though?
- If you must. - Good.
'Cause I just did.
Sometimes big places make it hard to get small things done.
So to find the answer, I had to get out of my office,
stop filling out paperwork and go out on my own.
I thought about how much the district hates bad publicity.
And somehow, word got to Imani's parents
that if they gently threatened to go to a reporter
who has a bone to pick with the district, we might see speedier results. And voilà.
All of a sudden, Imani has a qualified ASL interpreter at Abbott.
It's that last bit of effort that no one expects that tends to mean the most.
We don't get paid to care, but we do it anyway.
- So, the female stigma collects pollen.
You said females.
We do it for our coworkers, our friends and we do it for the kids.
We do it for ourselves too, I guess.
Because much like Liam Neeson in Taken 1, 2, and 3, we kind of can't help it.
Still haven't seen any of them, by the way.
Hey. Uh, could I get a word with you, Your Honor?
You may approach the bench.
Okay. So, you know, with my firstborn son coming here and everything,
I think it's a good time for me to step up. And, you know, start a PTA.
You, Tariq, wanna start a Parent-Teacher Association?
No. No, no, no. Uh, a Parent-Tariq Alliance, actually.
But what you said sounds good.
We should just call it that and give people an...
Oh, damn. Here go my childless ex.
Janine, don't be trying to spin the block on me today, okay? I got a family now.
I am here for work.
Yeah. More like working her way back into your life.
Exactly. Period.
So, uh, with me being a new father and everything, I was thinking,
"What if I start a PTA?"
No. Ava, the Parent-Tariq Alliance cannot happen.
- Okay? No. - What?
- I see why you broke up with her. - Not what happened.