Listen up!
Your usual driver's ed teacher
is at the courthouse fighting for his driver's license
due to the fallout from the holiday party.
In his defense, the greatest driver in the world
couldn't have outrun the cops in his condition.
These are your learner's permits.
Before you get them, I need to know
who will be supervising your behind-the-wheel hours.
- Steve? - My dad... Stan.
Ah, yes, dads are great.
Mine was an alcoholic. But the fun kind.
So don't go gettin' all sad on me, Smith.
Next.
Toshi, I'm skipping over you
because you refuse to learn English.
Barry?
My father's name is Dad!
Sounds like a great driver.
And, Snot, who's teaching you?
My dad's no longer with us.
No problem, you got a hot mom... I mean mom.
Redundant much, Brian?
Hot mom.
Your daddy's dead.
You're a freeeak.
Aah!
Aww, Schmuley, why you got your head in a poof?
Well, I was in driver's ed today,
and all the other kids are getting their dads to teach them,
and it just reminded me that I don't have a dad...
Driver's ed? No sir!
Get driving outta your head.
It is too dangerous!
There's the fumes, the tires,
all the people flippin' the bird!
If Dad was here, he'd teach me.
I knew his death would affect my life eventually!
Thanks again for taking me driving, Mr. Tuttle.
And thank you for interrupting me
from cold calling people in the phone book
for human interaction.
Okay, first, you're gonna wanna fasten your seatbelt.
Check your mirrors.
Grip the steering wheel at 10:00 and 2:00.
And now drive to the hospital. I'm having a heart attack.
- What? - To the hospital.
I know my body, and it is attacking my heart.
- But I don't know how... - Just drive!
I'm going backwards!
That's called reverse.
If I survive, I'll teach you forwards.
Whoa-a-a-a-a...
Boom, bitch.
Don't say "boom bitch" to your father.
It's my learner's permit.
Whaddya say? Will you take me driving?
Uh, I'd love to, but something came up.
And what came up is-z-z-z-z-z...
z-z-z-z-z-z-z...
- ... a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a... - ... z-z-z-z-z-z-z...
Haaaayles?
Sorry, Steve. I'm working special detail for Sub Hub.
Driving a truckload of salami down to Florida.
'Sgotta get there or some shit.
But that's perfect. I can drive when you get tired.
Alright, you can come.
But no bathroom breaks.
You'll pee in a 2007 X Games souvenir cup
like the rest of us.
It's family only beyond here.
Is this man your father?
No, he's not.
But I am!
A man... who knew your father.
- You knew my dad? - Dick Keebler.
Good to meetcha, good to meetcha.
Sorry 'bout my sweaty-ass hand.
I got hyperhidrosis.
Feels normal to me...
I also got hyperglycemia, hypertension,
and I'm a hypochondriac.
Doctor says that's the one that's gonna get me.
Pff. Hey, you think I could dig up an MRI
in this joint without talking to anyone?
I don't think so.
Were you gonna talk about my dad?
Pff. I was his co-pilot.
My dad was a pilot?
Nah. On the demolition derby circuit.
Cars. Ever heard of 'em? Pff.
C'mon, I'll tell you about your dad.
Fun fact... We were blood brothers.
I gave him hepatitis.
His eyes were the color of mustard.
Lanceton Raceway Park.
Home to the demolition derby and the weekly swap meet.
No matter the year, it's always the '70s there.
Your dad, Lonny, drove the Red Rammer.
Damn car was unstoppable.
Pssh. Famous too.
It was in the movie "Mother, Jugs & Speed."
I... haven't seen that.
It was the car that ran that bus full of nuns off the road.
Betcha remember that scene.
No, I... I haven't seen it...
Good stuff, you remember.
Mr. Keebler, I'm sorry,
but this guy you're describing
doesn't sound like the dad I never knew.
Pssh. The way I saw you haulin' ass in reverse, derby style?
You're Lonny's kid, alright.
Pff. Derby's in your blood.
Derby racing. In my blood.
Surprised you don't know about him.
Didn't he leave you the Red Rammer when he croaked?
All I've got of my dad's is a huge shoe
I found in the garage that I think was his.
I wear it around the house sometimes
and pretend I have one really big foot.
It's lame, I know.
Nah, that's normal.
I wear my dead mom's heels around the house
and pretend I have a big ol' vagina.
- Pff. - Was my dad any good?
The best.
He was always slammin' into everybody.
That sounds bad.
Nah, that's how you win.
Destroy the other cars.
I was your dad's spotter...
his eyes and ears out there.
Car!
Holy crap! There she is!
Can we just stay focused on my dad?
Right, right. We never lost.
But I lost...
Lost control of my blood sugar...
Your dad put his foot on the dash
to do his signature move,
the Skidrokyo Drift.
And my blood sugar was tanking.
Did I mention I'm also diabetic?
Seven doctors said it's all in my head.
Pff. I didn't even know there was brain diabetes.
Lonny injured his neck so bad,
he couldn't turn his head to the right to drive in reverse.
- So he had to quit. - Nope.
Went to England to race.
Steering wheels are on the other side over there. Pff.
So that's why he left us.
Mr. Keebler, I'd like to know more about my dad.
- Pff. - Is "Pff" a bad thing?
It can be.
That was a good one, though.
I'm gonna do more than tell you about your dad,
I'm gonna teach you to be like him.
Teach you how to derby.
This is gonna be so cool!
I'll bring Dad's big shoe!
Pff. That was a bad "Pff."
Shoe stays at home. Pff.
That one means I'm thirsty.
This is Headband Dynamite,
I'm sittin' bumpy at a cardboard red Popsicle, over.
That is a big 10-4, Headband!
Pavement Pouncer here, over!
Whoa, this works?
I was just goofin'!
Hayley?
It says that the salami we're transporting
is highly explosive!
Well, the chemicals in the preservatives
are pretty volatile.
And all that salami's loose back there,
just slices floppin' around.
Super illegal.
But if you think about it,
aren't we all just loose slices floppin' around?
Uh... take 193 South.
Nope. Gotta do all back roads.
Can't risk getting pulled over.
Plus, we get to hit up some rural strip clubs.
Those backwoods beauties have
bushes that'll knock your teeth out.
Schmuley, you're back!
I was so worried about you.
Worried I'd find out Dad was a derby driver?
Keebla.
That's right, it was Keebler!
And I'm finally hearing stories about Dad!
Which I never get from you!
I don't want you hanging out with that Keebla.
I'm doing more than hanging out with him.
I'm learning to drive from him.
I think we can all guess whose horn that is.
Welcome to my Miata.
This is James. James, Snot.
I'm driving for Uber Two-Seater.
And before you say that's not a thing, it's not.
Way to go, James, you blew it.
Kid saw right through you. Just get out.
See you tomorrow, James!
I know it's not a great first impression,
but what do you think of James?
So this is Raceway Park.
Where my dad used to derby.
Yep. And he used to do his derbyin'
with the Derby Donkeys.
Hey, Donkeys, this here's Lonny Lonstein's poo stain.
Well, I'll be, stinks just like Lonny!
Just like Lonny.
Got Lonny's ugly smile too!
Ugly smile too.
'Course, Lonny didn't repeat everything
like some damn trick bird.
Let's get away from this guy.
So, kid, if I'm gonna train ya, we're gonna need a car.
You really don't know
what happened to the Red Rammer, huh?
No idea.
Wh-What's happening? I thought we were gonna train.
Soon, soon. Need a little sex first.
Hold my clothes like your daddy used to.
I won't make it 10 feet in this garage
before I'm deep-doggin' a derby daisy.
Whoa. Big hat.
Good. You're still here.
'Cause you haven't started training me!
You've been having sex all night...
Oh, you heard that, did you?
I can get pretty loud.
C'mon. Now it's time.
I thought you said it was time.
Soon, soon. Just havin' a look at WebMD.
Pretty sure I caught something last night.
Does this look like the picture?
Jesus!
Alright, time to earn your learner's permit.
You want me to drive now?
It's driving, just have fun with it.
Th-This isn't so bad.
Steve, there's a chipmunk gnawing!
Oh.
Oh, no!
Oh, thank God.
What the hell?
I'm saved!
Why does everyone hate this rope so much?
If this cone was a car, you'd've smashed it.
It's no Rammer, but you're gonna kick ass in the Miata Masher.
You haven't even taught me the Skidrokyo Drift.
You really think I'm ready to derby?
'Bout fifty-fifty. Maybe fofty-fofty.
But fofty-fofty's not a real number...
Yeah, okay, then I'll say fifty-fifty.
Vespa's been ridin' my ass.
Wheels are shot and the front fell! Pff.
What about the derby?
Can't do it without a car.
Okay, guy, let's see your insurance info.
Uh-huh.
Uh, do you wanna give me yours?
My insurance is that I now know where you live.
And if I get so much as one phone call from GEICO,
I will burn your house to the ground
429 Shippey Lane...
Wait, 492?
Shippey doesn't sound right, either...
No!
Something's zapping me.
Well, Snot, the results are in.
Your old pal's got the Muscular Dystrophy.
How about instead of looking up symptoms
we find another derby car?
That's a great idea, why don't you try to find
the Red Rammer like I've been telling you to!
Dick, I gotta remind you to keep your voice down.
I got the dystrophy, Barbara.
I got the dystrophy!
And this one won't find the Red Rammer
like I've been tellin' him.
In any case, if you could just...
Now you're getting me in trouble with Barbara.
There you are! I've been worried sick!
Mom, do you know what happened to the Red Rammer?
It's gone.
So you do know what happened to it.
And you're never gonna find it.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah!
- Yeah? - Yeah!
What the?
Schmuley, just take it easy.
Let's listen to some music.
I can't believe you.
How did I not see...
Schmuley, please!
You chopped up the Rammer!
This is all Dad left me, and you chopped it up!
I did what I had to do to keep this family...
and this house... from falling apart!
All you ever tell me about Dad is the bad things.
But he was a derby-driving, Keebler clothes-holdin' badass.
We're actually gonna make it!
Oh, God!
Just be cool, I'll take care of this.
Hi, Officer, what seems to be the problem?
Y'all two Yankee Childs wouldn't be haulin' contraband
luncheon meat through my county now, would ya?
What? No.
I don't know which smell is stronger,
bullshit or salami...
No, do it the other way.
I don't know which smell is stronger,
salami or bullshit.
Much better, good job, you did good, good boy.
Now open the back of the truck.
Well, I guess I'm opening the truck now...
Please, don't make me do this.
Whaddya waitin' for?
Uh... it's just that it's... so hot.
Missy, if you think that is gonna...
Owie wowie, baby wants mommy,
make it dirty!
Oh, thank God.
What have I done?
So, what's on the itinerary?
A little rat chasing in the ol' garage?
No, Barry. We're rebuilding my dad's car.
Alright, but if I find a rat, I'm still eatin' it.
You found her... and she's beautiful.
M-May I?
Sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
I'm stealing the Rammer. Pff.
Keebler, you dirty thief!
Come back with my daddy's car!
- Mom? - Dry those tears, my beautiful baby boy.
We're getting the Rammer back.
Oh, wow!
I just have to drop this Tupperware off
at Mrs. Amendola's house.
I've had it forever, it's on the way,
don't make a face.
That damn Keebla stole your car and half my house!
And my trust in strangers!
Get him, Mom!
Hey, Donkeys!
I've got a dingleberry danglin'!
Get 'em off my tail!
Let's roll!
No!
Get it together, Derrick.
Keebler needs us.
Woo-hoo!
No!
Mom, you gotta hit him back!
I can't do it! You take the wheel.
What?
You were born to drive.
I tried to deny it, 'cause I didn't want
to lose you to that damn derby.
But I don't have to worry because you're not your dad.
Now be your dad and smash these fools!
They're coming up on both sides!
Car! Car!
Wow, Schmuley, you've really got a knock for...
On your six!
Mom, you sound like a spotter.
I was your fatha's first spotter, before Keebla.
You?
Yeah, but when I got pregnant...
You had to hang it up.
Yeah.
Plus side though, the derby guys
threw me a very nice baby shower.
And the strippers had what appeared
to be full sex with each other.
Mmm.
Is it the explosive preservatives
that make it taste so good?
Whoa! It's Snot and his mom!
They're in trouble.
This Headband to Pavement Pouncer
or any other trucker out there.
Shut the door and sit on the toilet,
'cause I've got some friends deep in donkey-doo, over.
That's a big 10-4, Headband.
Four hot shovels coming your way.
I see you now. And you're bringing a great big convoy...
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't say that word!
We're nothing like that song!
- What song? - Not this one!
What the hell?
Guess it's up to us to get that Donkey off his tail.
Hey, honey! Smoke 'em if you got 'em!
Oh, yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
There's Keebla!
You caught 'em, Schmuley, now take 'em out!
Foot on the dash?
You're doing the Skidrokyo Drift!
Whoooooooaaaa.
Oh, no, you missed.
No, I didn't, Mom.
For me?
But why didn't you Skidrokyo Keebla?
Screw Keebler.
And screw the Red Rammer.
I don't want it.
That's Dad's car, and I'm letting it go.
- Why? - 'Cause Dad let us go.
He bailed on us... but you stuck around.
And you're the only dad I need.
Oh!
Now let's clock some driving hours
so I can sign your permit paper.
Wow, I through this moment would be more powerful for me.
Thought it would be a little more meaningful.
There it is!
There's that special feeling!
Have a great night!