[captioning sponsored by the U.S. department of education
and nickelodeon]
What you making, cat?
( Nervously ): Hors d'oeuvres.
My Swedish pen pal, Ingrid
just got into town.
And, uh... ( Chuckles )
It's funny— apparently
she's under the silly impression
I'm some sort of gourmet chef, it's...
Yeah, i know... I know.
Cat, where'd she get that idea from?
Well, it... might have been me.
You mean, you lied?
That's what you do with pen pals.
I never knew that.
She sure looks nice.
I can't wait to make her acquaintance.
Well, dog, I'd prefer it
if you'd make yourself scarce.
How do i do that, cat?
Ta-da!
( Whiny ): Oh, no, not the suit, the suit, no!
I just got it back from the cleaners.
I can't believe you even lied
about being a catdog.
Some ladies are finicky about the two-headed thing.
You're ashamed of me?
Oh, now, don't be ridiculous.
That is the...
Oh, perfect!
Oh, fine!
You just had to buy the unbreakable plastic kind
didn't you?
Sorry.
It's Ingrid! ( Doorbell rings )
Oh, she can't see me like this!
Just tell her what happened.
Like you always say, "honesty is the best policy."
No, it's a rotten policy.
I'm supposed to be a gourmet chef, good with my hands.
Look at me.
Coming! ( Doorbell rings again )
Look, you got to help me out here, dog.
I'd do it for you!
Tell you what, i-i
i-i promise to tell her the truth
about us being a catdog over dinner.
Hmm... okay, cat.
I'll help you.
Then grab the sewing kit.
This old suit needs a few alterations.
I'm coming, Ingrid!
Okay, dog, come on, hurry up. In you go.
Right arm.
Right arm!
No, that's your left... Never mind.
Are you ready? Let's walk.
And we're go, o-o...
Whoa!
Perfect.
All right, let's do the belly walk.
Think caterpillar, dog.
Oh, my nose!
Hello, cat.
Hello, Ingrid!
( Quietly ): Handshake.
You are just as you described yourself in your letters.
Yeah, well, I...
I always tell it like it is.
Harrumph!
I, uh, i thought
we'd have din-din at Chez pastrami.
Ooh! Oh, i thought you were going to cook for me.
Well... ( Stammering )
in a sense, i will be.
I taught the chef everything he knows.
Oh, harrumph!
Oh, there goes my stomach.
Shall we?
Will you keep it quiet in there?
Quit lying.
Watch it! Left! Right!
No, no! ( Yowling )
Left! Right! Straight!
Oh... ( Laughs )
It helps me to concentrate to sh-shout out directions.
Left!
Say please.
Please left!
Okey-dokey.
It must work.
You were national race car champion how many times?
Three?
I was? Ooh, right!
I mean, left, left!
Welcome to our exciting bistro.
Tonight's specials are...
Ratatouille in a zesty barbecue sauce...
Salmon steak au hollandaise...
And a filet of sole to die for.
Mmm, the salmon steak sounds yust yummy, ja?
Yust yummy, ja.
Yes, and i will have the...
A sloppy Joe with
a double order of chili Fri-i-i-es!
The filet of sole.
You bit me!
Sloppy Joes and chili fries?
Well, I'm hungry.
And you said you'd tell her the truth
about us at dinner!
After dinner!
Just help me out here, okay?
Oh, boy. ( Crashing in kitchen )
( With French accent ): I can take no more of this!
I quit!
Is there a chef in the house?
Ja, ja!
Cat is a chef.
Oh, no.
No, i really couldn't.
don't be modest.
He taught the chef everything he knows.
don't worry, cat.
I work well with razor-sharp instruments.
Mommy.
Hey! What the...
The face looks real familiar
but the body don't ding a bell.
Aah, all them stupid cats looks the same anyway.
Such a chef you are!
This food is so light and delicious
i barely know I've eaten.
Yeah... i know what you mean.
Oh... ( Laughs )
Excuse me!
I just... oh, my.
Ooh, ja, a yabba song.
Dance with me, El skank.
Uh... uh, well, we just ate, ingy.
You, you're, you're supposed to wait at least an hour bef...
Oh, come on, catsy.
You are a professional ballroom dancer
after all.
Ballroom dancer?
Just a tiny fib.
I'm sick of all your lies, cat, sick of it!
And I'm not helping you anymore.
Please, dog, please.
Just give me a teensy bit more time.
Look, I'm doing the lip.
I am unmoved by the lip.
Yoo-hoo, cat.
I'm waiting.
Okay, fine.
Who needs your help?
You're just deadweight anyhow.
Aren't you going to put your arms around me?
Well, of course!
( Aside ): Any time now.
No, I'm deadweight.
Hey! Ho!
Pravda.
Ole! and...
Now that's a kitty cat I'd like to get to know.
Hey, doll, how 'bout a dance?
Thank you, no.
I'm with him.
Hup-up-up-up-up-up-up-up... hey!
Hup-up-up-up-up-up-up-up...
Hey, you're the creep what almost hit me
with that salt shaker.
It was a pepper shaker.
A real wise guy.
You'd better be careful.
Cat is a 12th degree black belt.
Yeah...?
( Raspily ): Come on, dog.
Help me.
I'm deadweight.
Oh! Ow!
Hold that thought.
Thanks for nothing, pal!
You're welcome for nothing.
You are being a real jerk, you know?
Yeah, well, you're a liar, liar, pants on fire!
Oh, you're killing me with that.
Hey, watch that pickle jar.
Black belt, you don't even have
a money belt.
Hey, this guy does a pretty good job
beating hisself up.
Oof!
Hi!
Um...
I have a confession to make.
I'm not a black belt.
And... I'm a catdog.
I suppose you don't want
to have anything more to do with me?
Wait.
I, too, have a confession to make...
If you see what i mean.
This is wonderful, it's, it's stupendous.
I'm a catdog, and you're a...
A double-bodied oddity.
What are the odds? ( Laughs )
So, what's your name?
My friends call me D-o-g.
You're very good with your hands, dog.
Ja. Maybe you can give us cooking lessons sometime.
Ja, sure.
I make a mean borgashmord
and i love cheese Danish.
Oh, here we go.
I like both the Danish and cheese parts.
And i like those ingmar bergman
and Charlie McCarthy movies
where the grim reaper
is a tiny ventriloquist dummy.
Is it Von sydow or Von sidow?
Whatever, he's a genius.
What am i, chopped herring? Hello?
um...
"Through rain a-a-and sleet a-and snow..."
"And dogs."
Mailman!
W-w-wa...
Mailman, mailman!
Easy, easy.
Dog, dog, stop, please.
Mailman.
I'm expecting a very important package... dog!
I hope you're proud of yourself, dog.
You've chased away
every uniformed delivery person in the county.
Now nobody will come and deliver my fish of the month.
( Sighing ): Oh, whitefish chub.
Yup, nobody's faster than me.
Nobody.
Nobody, dog?
I seem to recall that...
One time you came up empty!
I don't want to talk about that.
I was just a pup.
Nobody's faster now.
Nobody.
Hey... it's a new mailman.
Yeah, better clear a little space on the old wall.
Oh, please, dog, no.
Let Mr. mailman deliver our mail...
Then you can chase him.
People told me you were fast.
People talk too much.
Talk is cheap.
Not cheap enough.
Ah...
Ah!
Where'd he go?
Beginner's luck.
( Chanting ): Please let him have my whitefish chub.
Ah, you again.
No more Mr. nice dog.
Whoa!
I can't catch him.
( Echoing ): I can't catch him.
What's the matter with your eyes?
Oh, so long ago...
Let's go, dog.
Come on.
Watch my body.
Yah! Oh, oh, oh!
Oh!
psst! Is it true what they say?
Psst! Word is
he's been holed up in there for weeks.
no, no, no.
Hey!
Come on, dog.
Get over it.
I can't.
I can't get over it.
I swore I'd never get whupped again.
But look at me now.
I'm nothing.
I'm not even a dog.
I'm a...
( Tearfully ): A slowpoke.
What goodies have we today?
Something of the whitefish chub persuasion, mayhap?
don't worry, it's a'comin' in.
Lead-foot.
Some dog.
Why, he's yeller.
See you tomorrow, with the mail.
I hate to say it, pal.
But you need to get back in the chase.
When that paper boy beat you down like a dog
did you give up?
No! You pulled yourself up by your choke chain
and became the scourge
of uniformed delivery people everywhere.
Come on.
Come on, take the teeth.
Be a dog.
Woof.
Let's get postal.
It's you!
The paper boy.
I'm not the paper boy anymore.
I'm... the mailman.
Cat, I'm not fast enough to beat him.
It's your move... slowpoke.
Slowpoke.
stop singing that song!
Come on, partner.
Show that mail boy what kind of dog we are.
Ah... mommy.
A big, bad doggie bit my...
Heinie!
I'd best not see you around these parts again...
Slowpoke!
[captioning sponsored by the U.S. department of education
and nickelodeon ]