Hey. You know what I just realized?
With my arrest last night,
I have now been incarcerated in five consecutive decades.
Wow.
Good for you, Mom.
You're the Minnie Minoso of marijuana.
I don't know who that is.
Yes, you do. Minnie Minoso?
You know.
Google him.
No, just tell me.
Google him. It's so worth it.
Minnie, like the mouse.
- M-I-N... - I know how to spell "Minnie."
Minoso.
M-I-N-O-S-O?
Yes. Now "return."
Okay, so your mom is the first black player on the Chicago White Sox?
No. Try "Minnie Minoso decades."
Just tell me.
No, but you're so close.
Travis, I swear, I will punch you right in the tits.
That's why I love you, Olivia. You're a quick study.
Fine.
Minnie Minoso was the first man to play professional baseball
in five different decades.
Okay.
So, why was this worth it?
Don't you see? In the same way Minnie Minoso...
Shut the fuck up about Minnie-fucking-Minoso.
Someone had to say it.
No, no.
Keep the window shut.
Otherwise, we're... We're too exposed.
Too exposed to what?
Oh.
Sorry. I thought I was...
Never mind.
Man, Pete can sleep through anything.
Almost.
Yes, please.
synced & corrected by PopcornAWH www.addic7ed.com.
Yeah.
- Right on. - Yeah.
Thanks. All right. Gotcha.
Jeez, Travis, what's going on? I've been getting fisted all morning.
Well, you can thank Dank and Dabby for that.
They're the reason we have all these new customers.
But they remind me of a bunch of Chewbaccas.
I don't think that's true.
Where is she? You.
Whoa. Oh. Not today, bro.
- That... - Carter, no. It's fine.
Copy.
Tae Kwon Doug, sorry about your wrist.
Yeah, well, I got two, asshole.
Wow. Did you get that, Carter? Guy's got two assholes.
Ruth, I am here for one reason.
To tell you two things:
A, that I am strongly considering pressing assault charges.
- Really? - Yeah.
You want everyone to know that a martial arts instructor
got his ass beat by a stoned old Jewish lady?
And three, when I walked out of here yesterday,
I said, "You gotta chill out, Doug-o."
There's no need to lose your kuk gi over a few losers snorfing some derbs."
So, I decided I was just gonna let it slide.
I was gonna be the bigger man.
But then last night happened and you turned me small.
Real small.
So, you watch out, Ruth.
'Cause a tiny little man is coming after you.
Coming after all of you!
Oh, yeah, your "boos" only make me smaller.
- Boo. - Yeah, see? He gets it.
She.
Horseshit.
Dear Mei Mei.
We know you're working hard in medical school,
so we're sending this to help you through.
Mom and Dad.
Water filters.
How did they know?
These Brita water filters hearken back.
To my parents' esteem.
My liquid safety.
Is of their utmost importance.
But they are deceived With regard to my activities.
Perhaps I deserve the water-borne diseases For which.
Why do I lie?
Regarding my medical school instruction.
At the University of California, Los Angeles?
Say, it's time for my favorite dance team, so let's look.
A box of matches and an eighth of Romulan Green marijuana.
That's all you need, my friend.
And soon you'll be enjoying the smoothest,
mildest, tastiest bud ever created.
Every Romulan Green cigarette is hand-rolled
for maximum smokeability
so, that all that sweet, cannabis goodness
goes straight to your neuroreceptors
for that one-of-a-kind Romulan Green experience.
Gee, I'd like to fuck those two.
With my mom's hot prison action last night, we never got to talk
- about what happened at my place. - Yeah, I've been thinking,
it's probably for the best that we stopped when we did.
Oh. Okay.
Can I ask why?
Well, in a sense, you're my boss, so it would've been weird.
Yeah, I guess I see what you're saying. I never see you as an employee, though.
No, I know.
And believe me when... When I say you're the boss,
I just mean technically.
I mean, we both know your mom is the real boss around here.
I don't think we both know that.
No, no, you're right. You're both officially in charge.
- Officially and actually. - Sure, fine.
- I feel like you're patronizing me. - Patronizing.
Travis!
Travis.
Travesty.
National Traves-Deez Nuts.
Dank, Dabby. Thank you guys so much for all your support.
Not to mention all the business you guys brought this morning.
But you did mention it.
Well, guys, you know what?
As the boss around here, I'd like to talk to you
about a very exciting business opportunity.
Please, step into my office.
Ah.
Your office has no walls, man.
But it does have a floor and that's like a wall for your feet.
What?
- What? - I don't know.
I'm on the wall.
- Who is this? - You see, guys?
That's what I'm talking about.
You guys have what Stephen King once called IT.
- Ooh. - Oh.
Last I checked, you guys are pretty close to 100,000 subscribers, right?
A hundred and one thousand three hundred sixty-four.
- Ish. - Ehh.
For marijuana performers like yourselves to survive in the fast-paced,
ganja-tainment sector, you're gonna need corporate sponsorship.
- I don't know if you've had any offers. - I don't know either.
Okay.
Here's the deal.
I wanna get into the Dank and Dabby business.
Well, that's...
very flattering,
but...
we're kind of just doing the monogamy thing right now.
No. I'm not...
You can check back in after Valentine's Day,
- I'm sure we can squeeze you right in. - We can squeeze you in.
- That really wasn't what I meant. - We have a safe word. It's "subway."
I... What I want...
is for Ruth's Alternative Caring to be the official sponsor
of your YouTube channel. I can see you asking yourselves,
"What does sponsorship mean?"
Holy shit.
Yeah, this motherfucker sees questions.
Oh.
So, simply put...
in exchange for promoting our dispensary,
we will supply you with all your product.
- But you already do. - Yeah.
For free.
So, what do you say? Yes or no?
Well, I got one question for you.
Can you see it, motherfucker?
Come in.
And so Maria entered the inner sanctum
of cannabis legend Ruth Whitefeather Feldman.
Maria, you're narrating.
I'm doing that?
Yeah. And it's very common with new users.
I nod knowingly.
Oh, my God, is that a picture of you and Jimmy Carter?
Yeah, good old Jimmy Earl.
You know, that guy loved three Weed, peanuts and failure.
Which brings me to you, Maria.
You know, just a few days ago...
you entered my store afraid to take a bite of pot brownie.
I explained to you that I was out of Weight Watchers points.
Yes. And then last night, you showed up alone at a cannabis rally,
straddling a Harley wearing that hat.
I know, right? Check it out.
Number sign, "stoner"!
Sweetheart, you're having a midlife crisis.
And as your pot dealer and shaman...
You're a shaman?
Yes. And a rabbi.
I strongly advise you to just ease into this.
There's no need to radically change your life.
But my life is boring.
Just yesterday, I was pushing my 5-year-old on the swing,
and I thought to myself, "Sure, Connor's swinging,".
Connor's going up and down, but I'm not going anywhere.
"I'm just pushing him, like a sucker."
- Ruth, something's wrong with Carter. - Excuse me.
He's been frozen like that for ten minutes.
Carter, are you okay?
Carter.
Yeah.
I just...
I need to, uh, uh...
I gotta go...
Yeah.
He's going towards your office.
He's entering the room, closing the door.
- He's locking the door to your off... - Maria, you're narrating.
I'm sorry.
I said, my voice tinged with regret.
Do you think it's a PTSD thing?
Probably. I'm not a doctor.
Well, neither am I. Why would you even accuse me of that?
Carter, it's Ruth. How you doing?
Sorry, Ruth.
I just... need some time alone.
You got it. You can stay in there all day if you want.
If you like music...
I got the complete Joni Mitchell on vinyl behind the desk.
Start with "Blue" and then go backwards.
Thank you.
Also, I know you don't partake... but you might check out
some of the books I have on all the good things pot can do
for anxiety, stress, depression.
You know, there's a reason they call it "cannabis," not "can't-abis."
Did you get that in there?
Yeah, I... I got it in here.
And most importantly,
if you ever wanna talk, my door's always open.
Well, not... Not now.
You've got it locked.
And we're still talking, so... the door is a nonissue.
Hello there. I'm Travis.
And I'm Olivia, his employee.
Welcome to Strain O' the Day.
You know the Haze family of pot.
Purple Haze, Cambodian Haze and Lemon Haze.
Today we're offering one of those strains' lesser-known cousins.
Rutherford B. Haze.
A moving tribute in cannabis dedicated to the legacy of our 19th president,
perhaps best known for taking office via the Compromise of 1876.
- And while President... - One thing...
- Sorry. - Go ahead.
No, I was just going to say that while President Hayes
ended Reconstruction,
Rutherford B. Haze will begin your reconstruction.
Did you just wink at the camera?
What's next, finger guns?
So, come on down to Ruth's and pick up our Strain O' the Day today.
Today.
Pete, turn it off.
Hey, Carter, it's Pete.
I'm gonna knock now, so don't be scared, okay?
Hey, Carter, it's Pete.
- You okay? - Yeah, Pete.
I'm fine.
Listen, I don't claim to know what you went through in the war.
I'm sure it's nothing like growing up on a hippie commune in Humboldt County
with watchtowers and weekly drills where we bayoneted dummies
dressed like DEA agents.
Jesus Christ.
You've seen the veterans who come in the store.
Smoking really does them good.
Helps them cope.
It's an amazing plant, man.
And...
There's a reason they call it "cannabis," not "can't-abis."
It's funnier when Ruth tells it.
Hey, Pete. Can I talk to Carter for a minute?
Carter, don't hang up.
The next voice you hear is gonna be Travis'.
Travis, the door is yours.
Carter?
I'm just checking in.
I know you think of me as your boss, but I'm also your friend.
Also, you know...
we're both proud black men.
I think we might also be Leos, too.
Headstrong... charismatic.
All right... good talk.
Stay woke, brother.
Is this a real ID?
- Yeah. - Great, come on in.
Mom.
As you saw this morning, Dank and Dabby are very popular.
And so I've arranged for them to promote us in exchange for free pot.
And that's what we're gonna do. I'm not asking, I'm just letting you know.
Is that okay?
Travis, believe it or not, I did read your business proposal,
and I don't remember your vision of the future including Dank and Dabby.
No, but there is a section called "Web Presence."
Yes, but there wasn't a subsection
called Hitching Your Financial Wagon to Two Burned-Out Cosmic Dipshits.
Unless I missed that.
Which is possible, because I'm old and out of touch.
You're not old and out of touch. You're just old and mean.
Olivia, you wanna settle a family argument?
Nope.
There you go, two against one.
Hey, Carter? How you feeling?
Kind of trying not to.
Listen, I know everybody wants you to toke up,
but please don't feel any pressure.
Between you and me, I'm pretty ambivalent about weed myself.
I mean, I smoke sometimes, but...
where I'm from, a lot of people start with pot and end up on meth.
Like my brother.
He's in rehab.
We had an intervention with him over Thanksgiving.
He stole my car and the turkey.
You get them back?
The car... not the turkey.
But in the end, Thanksgiving's really all about the sides, right?
I lost three buddies in Fallujah on Thanksgiving.
Oh, God.
I don't know what to say to that.
Nobody does.
- Can I ask you something? - Sure.
You think Ruth'll be mad I peed in her bong?
No.
She does it all the time.
And now because you, the fans, have asked.
And we, the people of which whom you are fans of, responded.
We now present to you a brand-new montage.
- The Best of Dank and Dabby Coughing, - The Best of Dank and Dabby Coughing,
- Volume Four. - Volume Four.
Oh, shi... Oh, my...
This is one of my favorite pieces.
It represents a Swahili tribe, I think,
and I found it from a man at Washington State.
Come... Dab.
Should I call 911?
Come on, Dab.
I'm trying to do important stuff here.
- Oh. - Whoa.
Shit is cool.
911...? Yes, this is an emergency, 911.
I'm fine.
Well, clearly they're very talented.
We're not talking about any more free product than I've seen you give away
- to people on a daily basis. - That's medicinal.
I hate to break it to you, Mom, but adult use is legal now.
Well, I hate to break it to you, but those two people are not adults.
Not adults? You spent a night in jail for jumping
off a truck onto a martial arts teacher.
Hey. That was activism.
Look, Mom, face facts.
All right, yes, marijuana is love, marijuana is healing,
but marijuana is also this.
Smoke just came out of everywhere.
Maria, before you leave, I need to check your ID.
But I'm on my way out.
Yeah, but the Maria who's leaving
is not the same as the Maria who entered.
Jesus, I miss Carter.
Carter?
For what it's worth,
the first time I smoked pot was six months ago.
I was terrified.
My parents always told me it was for weak people.
Then I tried it with some friends, non-Asians of course, and...
I wouldn't even say it was good or bad.
Just that...
for the first time in my life I felt like I was living in the moment.
And as for weakness,
I don't know anyone on Earth who isn't using something or someone
to cope with... other somethings or someones.
The only question that matters is...
does it work for you?
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I gotta go empty this, so excuse me.
You ready?
Yeah.
Pete.
Carter, for your first time I've chosen something gentle and euphoric.
Girl Scout Cookies.
That's what you chose for me?
- Girl Scout Cookies? - Oh, don't let the name fool you.
They're not really cookies. It's marijuana.
Before I do this...
I just want to apologize to everyone for...
For freaking out earlier.
I'm really glad you guys have my back.
You never have to apologize, Carter.
And you can keep my bong.
Hold it for as long as you can.
I don't feel anything.
It takes a minute or two.
Some music might help.
Who likes Tuvan throat singing?
Who doesn't?
Give me a sec. I'm gonna put on some Yat-Kha.
Feel anything, Carter?
Here we go.
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