Nobody say a word.
- Ruth, I really— - Shut the fuck up.
Is everybody okay?
- Yeah. - All good.
Jenny, you good?
Yeah, I'm good.
I'm not good.
I feel like I should be whispering in front of the scary men,
but I don't think I am.
I think that fourth shit-ball really messed you up.
Oh, really? Because I had three more after that.
I can't go to jail.
I'm like catnip for lesbian prisoners.
Look— Look at this ass. They will eat it alive.
Maria, you're not going to jail. It's a shakedown.
They get some bullshit pretext to come in and take the weed and the money, okay?
But they're not getting the money,
because you figured out a brilliant way to hide our cash.
Which I was going to implement tomorrow.
Fuck a duck.
Oh, God.
Me tick-tick's boomeranging like a bogan's joggles on the first day of Commonade.
Pete, I don't know what you're saying, but I think you're having a panic attack.
The DEA raided my compound when I was 7.
Just a young joey in the pouch of life.
Listen, man, I've lived through worse than this.
Stay with me.
Thanks, mate.
You're a real Bloomin' Onion.
How can they do this? Weed's legal.
State legal, federally illegal.
So, we exist in a gray zone where they can still fuck us.
And if you've ever been fucked in your gray zone, you know it's no picnic.
You're inappropriate at the most inappropriate times.
I know how this works.
Any second now,
the head agent, who I assure you will be some roided-up meathead...
is gonna charge through that door barking orders.
Pardon me, excuse me. I'm sorry, pardon me.
I have to get through. Thank you.
Hey!
You must be Ruth Whitefeather Feldman.
What a name!
I'm Special Agent Barry Schwartz.
I like to say, the government made me an agent,
but my mother made me special.
- Are you a Muppet? - Shhh!
What a beautiful day.
Oh, best roof camping ever.
- Hell, yeah, I slept like a stoned baby.
It's so pretty up here. Way better than that shithole Yosemite.
Fuck Yosemite, baby.
Oh, hey, come look at the view.
I can see all the way to the Ken-Taco-Hut.
Oh, man.
Oh, damn, look at all those cops buying weed today.
Dank...
those are feds.
Oh, shit.
Look at all those feds buying weed today.
No, no, no! Ruth is getting raided.
Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit.
What if they find us? They're gonna kill the black guy first.
Hey, don't worry about it, baby.
They got Travis and Carter to choose from.
Oh!
So, I guess we're just stuck up here?
Like those assholes on the space station.
No, no, no, cool it, okay? Calm down.
We'll just— We'll just hang out here.
- You know? - Right.
We'll get high.
Maybe we'll bone a couple of times, and call it a day.
Oh. So, it's like a regular day, but outside.
Oh, shit.
My lighter's not working. Can I use yours?
Yeah, no doubt. I got it right here.
Oh, oh, I left it at home.
How you guys doing? Are those tight? They look tight.
You know, I was reading somewhere that the wrist
is the most delicate joint in the body. Isn't that weird?
I'd have guessed knee.
Well...
Fellas, could we cut them loose?
You see?
We're reasonable people.
- Excuse me, sir? May I approach the bench? - Okay.
I'm Maria Sherman.
I'm just a customer with a family and a sterling reputation in the community.
And I'm willing to do anything to preserve that.
Anything.
I'm sorry, ma'am, but I've got a job to do.
No, no, I'm— I'm just saying that...
I have a job I could do as well.
Thank you, but I'm a happily married man, and I like the one I get on my birthday.
Okay...
- I need to speak to the owner. - Yeah, that's me.
I'm a co-owner. So, if you wanna harass somebody, start with me.
No, no, no.
Nobody's gonna harass.
We'll talk, we'll kibitz, we'll schmooze.
He's not gonna talk to you, and neither am I.
Ah! You just did.
Don't feel bad.
You've been Schwartzed.
Come on.
You think he's gonna crack?
No, he's good. Black don't crack.
Guys, I don't wanna alarm anybody, but I am dying.
You're not dying, you're just...
- shitballing. - No.
No, I'm dying. I'm gonna die a virgin.
Okay, a butt virgin.
Come on, sun. Don't be an asshole, light this shit.
It's never gonna light it now, you called him an asshole.
Oh, man.
How did that dipshit from Cast Away make fire?
I don't know. He had a dumb-ass volleyball to help him.
Man, I was gonna pack a volleyball.
What about other movies? Come on, we gotta think.
- Well, in Hunger Games— - Right.
Katniss is on fire because Cinna designed her a dress
with a flaming train for The Parade of Tributes.
That's crazy.
- Oh, shit. - What?
Did you just hear what I said, Dank?
I just remembered plot details from a movie I saw years ago.
Holy shit, I remember that.
- Oh, my God. We're getting not high! - Oh, my God. We're getting not high!
Oh, okay, okay.
We gotta get this fire started.
- I know, I got it. - Yeah, what is it?
- I'm gonna rub these sticks together. - You know how to do that?
I watched Survivor all the time in college.
Holy shit, I went to college!
So, you're working with your mom. That's nice.
My dad wanted me to join him at the shoe store.
He still does.
He calls me last week, 85 years young, God bless him, says to me:
"Son, as long as people have feet,
they're gonna need shoes."
Why are you here?
Shoe-store trivia.
The little thing you step into to measure your feet?
That's called a Brannock Device.
Why are you here?
All right, not a small-talker. I appreciate that.
Well, if you must know, a certain YouTube video has come to our attention.
Couple of your friends
seen handing out some of your cannabis...
to people of insufficient age.
That's not so good.
Those fuck-sticks.
Oy, don't go all buggaro taking my Sheilas, you wallaby lickers!
Pete, Pete. Yelling at these guys in fake Australian is not gonna help.
Why do you talk like that anyway?
Don't know. Good ask.
Do you remember when it started?
I don't wanna talk about it.
You know, in therapy,
I've learned that sometimes it's better to talk about things
instead of keeping them buried.
Buried?
Freeze! Police search warrant.
They're raiding the compound. Stay in your room, Pete.
I have to get my plants.
No, stay in your room and keep watching the movie.
Take the back and fan out.
That's not a knife. That's a knife.
That's not a knife.
That's a knife.
That's not a knife.
That's a knife.
That's not a knife.
That's a knife.
That's Crocodile Dundee.
- What? - That's a line from the movie.
The movie I watched while I was hiding.
Oh, my God, Carter.
That's not a knife.
That's a breakthrough.
You gotta get me out of here. I'll do anything.
Anything.
Why don't I take a rain check on that?
Agent Sanchez.
There's always a Sanchez.
Yeah? - Agent San— Oh.
Ooh. I like your pretend dick.
My friend Maria here, she's a patient and she's very frightened.
I mean, could you just check her ID
- and send her home, okay? - License.
Um, about that picture,
it's baby weight.
Plus, I had just eaten a cake.
I'm not gonna make it, Jenny.
Just leave me here to die.
Look, I was almost a doctor,
and I'm not gonna let you die on me, you son of a bitch!
Olivia,
I want you to put your right foot in.
Great. Remember that right foot you just put in?
- Yeah. - I want you to take it out.
- But I'm so scared. - Do it!
I want you to put your right foot in,
and this time, goddamn it, I want you to shake it all about!
- Yes, yes!
Yes!
Look, all I need is something to show my boss, so I can say:
"Marjorie, here's what I confiscated.
I've done my job. Case closed, it's Miller Time."
That's an old reference, you're too young.
What do you wanna confiscate?
You know, the weed, your assets.
- Cash. - Yes.
Assets. It's a cash business, I know you've got a safe somewhere.
And don't tell me it's this safe, because this safe is filled with Snapple.
Peach Mango-steen.
What is that, Bruce Springsteen's fruity cousin?
Oh, come on, Travis, that's funny. Even Sanchez liked it.
Look, I don't know anything about a safe.
Ugh. You're killing me here, Travis.
Now I gotta threaten you with jail time for distro to a minor.
Ooh.
Slugs have four noses.
So...
where's the safe?
I don't rat.
Travis...
That's good.
You're not like your mother.
You're not some firebrand out to stick it to the man.
You're not cut out for jail.
Yeah, you're right. You know, my mother and I are very different.
You know, we don't...
see eye to eye on a whole lot. But there is...
There's one thing we do agree on:
Fuck you.
Oy, the language.
My goodness, I am so not high right now.
- Why is my hair like this? - I don't know.
That is so much more sensible.
Yeah.
You know, now that we mention it, this smells terrible.
I wish we had something to read up here.
Oh, I would kill for a Wall Street Journal right now.
You know, speaking of finance,
I think it's time we lay out a realistic five-year plan for our future together.
I mean, five years? Isn't that a tad shortsighted.
We should do ten years at least in this uncertain environment.
I mean, no offense, darling.
None taken, love.
So, I'll focus on selling my jewelry on Etsy
and you can get your teaching certificate.
Huh.
You know, if I can just reach one child.
Oh, just one.
Just one.
I'm feeling good.
I'm feeling really good about where we're at, Dabby.
Me too, Steve.
- We should write some of this down, no? - Oh, yeah, that's smart.
- Oh, here's a pencil. - Okay.
Do you have something to write on?
We could write on this matchbook.
- Steve. - Yeah?
Are you pulling my leg?
How are you gonna write a ten-year plan on a matchbook, you silly goose?
It'd be a really fun challenge.
We could write around the words here. Write on this empty flap there.
We could write on this empty flap. We could move these matches and...
Go, go, go.
Yes, you got this, baby.
You got this, baby.
Yeah, light that shit.
Oh, yeah.
Mind if I hit the head?
Yeah.
Dope-ass rifle.
AR-15?
Collapsible stock, single-point sling...
vertical foregrip.
Did three tours in Iraq.
Thank you for your service.
No, no, thank you for protecting vets, like me,
from the medicine that might actually help us.
I'm gonna go pee-pee now.
Well, I'm done with junior here. Ruth...
you're up next.
I didn't rat.
That's my boy.
That's my boy in there. That's my son, Pete.
Oh, this ought to be good.
Hi, yeah, let the gentleman through.
Peter, my son. Heh.
Hi.
I'm Tae Kwon Douglas from Intensity Plus Fight School.
What's wrong with him?
He gets kicked in the head a lot.
Okay, well, I'm Special Agent Schwartz
of the Drug Enforcement Administration.
What can I do for you?
Well, it's simple, really.
I run the dojang next door,
and my son Pete and I were playing a little stickball in the alley.
And I hit a pop drive right through the back door of this opium den...
and Pete followed the ball in here.
Good hustle, son.
You made your old man proud.
Let's get you back to the house now for a couple of ice-cream sodas, huh?
- Douglas— - I told you not to call me that, son.
Kids.
Douglas, Douglas.
I appreciate you trying to help me,
but I wanna stay here.
This is my family.
Pete, you could be in real trouble here.
I'll be okay.
As a wise man once taught me,
when you choose a path, you have to walk it with intensity...
plus.
- Wait a minute. Was that me? - Yeah.
That was good.
Sir, this was a nice moment.
Hearts were warmed, but I'm gonna have to ask you to go.
- I... - It's okay.
Okay.
Ruth...
take care of my boy.
Well, he's fun. Come on, Ruth.
Maria Sherman?
Yes.
- We ran your ID. - Oh, great. Thank you.
Bye, guys! Stay strong.
- You're under arrest. - What? Why?
You've got seven outstanding moving violations.
But I had my housekeeper do my online traffic school.
Come with me.
Oh, my God. I'm— I'm being arrested and they aren't. This isn't fair.
Hands off the side-boob, Sanchez!
Ruth Whitefeather Feldman.
You know, you're something of a legend at the DEA.
You want a Snapple?
Kiwi-strawberry.
Let's get to it.
Okay.
We're here today because two young people,
Gabby Shapiro and Steve Dankerson—
Those fuck-sticks.
Oh, so you know them.
Well, it seems that they made a video that clearly incriminates Travis.
He's looking at five to ten.
So, even if he beats it...
he's now got it on his record.
You miserable fucking prick.
How do you live with yourself?
Hm?
How do you go home every night...
and look yourself in the mirror?
Knowing that you're part of this corrupt, stupid,
pathetic, outdated, insidious...
cluster-fuck.
The war on drugs.
Who are you helping?
And then you threaten my son?
A good, decent kid.
He's never been in any trouble.
What, you got a quota on young black men you gotta send to prison?
He's your one for the day.
Good job.
Go home to your wife,
tell her what a hero you are.
If you're finished with your big speech,
please keep in mind that I could have Travis in jail in 45 minutes.
So, again, Ruth...
where is the money?
Where's the fucking money?
Oh, shit.
You didn't have to sledgehammer it.
Just push on my nose, it pops open.
But the thing about a sledgehammer,
once you bother schlepping it somewhere, shame not to use it.
- Hey, Mom, you okay? - Yeah.
- I told them. - What? Why?
They were gonna arrest you.
Oh.
Beautiful stack work.
Lot of these raids, you open the safe, it's disgusting.
You almost don't wanna take it.
Gentlemen, take it.
This is evidence.
- You'll get a receipt. - Bullshit.
We're never gonna see that money again. You're gonna get a Lexus.
You know, I don't like the Lexus.
I mean, it's nice and all, but let's face it,
it's just a fancy Toyota.
You know what I test-drove the other day?
- Fuck you! - Fuck you!
You see?
This brought you closer together.
Everybody wins.
And that's the story of how we weren't high.
- The scariest 15 minutes of our lives. - Hell, yeah.
We came this close to joining a gym, I shit you not.
Yeah, oh, my God, yeah.
So, the lesson for all of you, especially any kids who may be watching:
don't not be high.
Perfect advice. Life is too long, you gotta make the least of it.
Yeah, yeah. And if you ever go roof camping,
make sure to pack a volleyball.
I'm about to smoke the shit out of your ass, Wilson.
Oh, yes.
Little baby boy
Gazing up above
Listen to your Mama's words Sung to you in love
We are doomed, we are doomed
We are born to be entombed
We are doomed, doomed Doomed, doomed, doomed
You're gonna grow so fast
And when you are a man
Please recall your Mama's words
Every time you can
We are doomed, we are doomed
We're conceived to be consumed
We are doomed, doomed Doo-be-doo-be doomed
Oh, we are doomed, we are doomed
It can safely be assumed
We are doo wah diddy dum diddy
Doomed
And that's the lullaby you used to sing to Travis?
He was a very happy baby, he needed a reality check.
Thought I left a bag of the new weed in the car.
Just enough for six joints.
What did you name this one?
I didn't get a chance.
Maybe Stinky Tea?
Crocodile Dunweed?
I've Got A Kush On You...
OG?
Nana's Fudge Swirls?
No, that shit-ball has sailed.
How about The Worst?
In honor of the worst day we've ever had here.
- Cheers. Cheers.
Do you see that?
I do.
I see it.
We all see it.
Pete, hit the green light.
Oh, man.
That show's bullshit, man. That's not what it's like to get high.
Yeah, for one thing, man...
- joints were way too small. - Yeah.
Whoa, when'd you roll that, man?
I thought you rolled it.
No, it's in your hand, man.
- Oh, that's my hand? - Yeah.
Oh, shit, man, look.
What?
Far out, man.
Hey, man, we got chips.
You got any guac?
Yeah, we got guac, man,
but we don't have any chips.