Ugh, raisins. What are the pruney red things?
Dried cranberries
Gone. What's this?
Carob
Adios.
Okay, why do we buy trail mix if you're going to pick everything out?
Well, they've ruined trail mix. Used to be simple. Now they put too much stuff in it.
Your mouth doesn't know what to expect with any given bite.
Will it be fruity? Will it be granola-y?
Will it be chocolate substitute-y? What's this?
Soybean.
Bah, squirrel food!
Ladies, please. We're saying good-bye to Mr. Twickham.
So?
The man's on his deathbed. Show a little respect.
Taylor, Old Man Twickham's been dying for twenty years.
This is my seventeenth time saying adios.
Yeah, I think you have the record, Patty.
I forget, when was the last time we thought he was dying?
It's been a good two years.
I remember now. The last time - the rain?
We got drenched.
Made the whole "he's dying" thing a total bummer.
Ladies, please!
You may not be respecting this moment but all the rest of us are.
Get your Twickham souvenirs here! Twickham souvenirs!
I've got your bats!
I've got your balls!
I've got your foam fingers!
Get 'em before he's gone!
Oh, how's Mr. Twickham looking, Andrew?
A little tired.
Well, dying is exhausting.
Yeah, he's thinking of taking a break and picking up again tomorrow.
Ugh, no.
We've been waiting for an hour.
He's kind of distracted anyway. The whole time I was there he was Tivo-ing through a fresh Summerland.
Do we have time to come back tomorrow?
Uh, no. Not really
Hey, everybody? Um,
keep it quick in there, okay?
"Good morning, Mr. Twickham. Good-bye Mr. Twickham. " And then vamoose.
He should really start dying earlier in the day.
Yeah.
Ugh, green stuff? Come on!
What's green?
"To live and let diorama"
Hello?
He's dead.
Who?
Old Man Twickham.
No!
Yes!
It's got to be a mistake.
It's not. The man is gone.
I don't believe it. I mean, are you sure?
There's no breath left in him.
The light's gone out of his eyes.
He smelled the burnt almonds. He's feeding the worms. He's chatting up his grandpa.
He is the old man formerly known as Twickham.
Wow.
I can't believe he's gone. I mean, he's been dying my whole life.
And I just got my good-bye in. He was about to close shop for the day
we got in, told him good-bye and that we'd miss him,
we left and then apparently he just closed his eyes.
Muttered something about Lori Loughlin and that was that.
Wow.
Yeah.
He's never died before.
I guess there's a first time for everything.
Kirk's happy, though. His dying caused a run on souvenirs.
Tacky
Oh, yeah. Tacky.
So, are you coming home this weekend?
Probably not. Maybe next week.
Okay. I just always like to check.
So, I should go.
Sorry about Old Man Twickham.
Got to move on.
I hear Old Man Ketchum has a nasty cough. Could turn into some
That's the spirit.
Bye.
Pathetic!
What?
Nothing important, I just wanted to inform you that you're pathetic!
Back at you, sister.
I am not pathetic.
Oh, come on.
We're in the same situation, except you're in denial.
denial!
I haven't seen Logan lately.
Well, why don't you call him up, then? Bet he misses you.
Is he missing you?
Good-bye.
Have fun pretending the sky is green.
Yeah, have fun re-enacting the Maxell tape ad.
Hey Soph.
You wash your hands?
Front and back.
Let's see 'em.
So we're never going to forget the peanut butter on the sitar?
Good God, man, have you heard of hand cream?
Okay if we walk around?
Carefully.
Hi, Lane.
Hi, Sophie.
Show her the thing.
Something like that's very self-conscious.
It's why you brought it.
I know.
So, show her.
So, Sophie Bloom.
Your last name's Bloom.
Thanks for the info.
I was looking through some old vinyl I have.
I don't have much, because I was born right on the cusp of the CD revolution.
But I originally had a record player. A Snoopy record player. Boy,
I love this record player. And shutting my door and listening to music on it
Oh, my God, Garrison Keillor, what is your point?
I saw the name "Sophie Bloom" on this album - the one non-Christian one my mother allowed me to have.
It just popped out at me and I was wondering -
Oh, this thing.
So, it's you. You wrote these songs.
Long time ago.
I think this is amazing!
Because I want to do more than just drum. I would like to...
write and compose and I was wondering if we could sit down sometime and just talk about music, because I think...
you have so much you can pass on to me.
Woman to woman. Really, just coffee sometime. My treat.
Well, I suppose sometime when I'm not working or out of town,
if my boyfriend's busy and my laundry's done, and I'm not sick and there's nothing on TV,
we could maybe meet up for a couple of minutes.
It's a date.
Hey, there she is, the woman of the hour!
Apparently that's me.
I am blown away by this!
Yeah, well, my hugs are that powerful.
Well, well, I'm talking about the article. You're going to be on the cover of a magazine! That's a big deal!
Well, it's the inn, it's not me, but yes, it is a big deal!
So, how'd they tell you? They phone you, or they, you know, they e-mail you?
They just said they were so impressed by the inn, they were so impressed by my story-
It's a great story.
Well, it's a little thin, when you compare it to War and Peace, but -
What? You started with nothing. It's a great story. The magazine's pretty good, too. I did some research.
Oh. Research?
Yeah, I got a bunch of back issues and I read them. I tried to figure out who should interview you.
Okay. Alicia Kensington. Staff writer, too green and way too stiff.
Too many adverbs. Frederick Fairmount.
Pff, he talks more about himself than the person he's interviewing. Something boozy about him, too.
I don't think they let you pick who's going to interview you
Well, just in case they offer. But this is big.
Yeah, I guess it is.
What happened there?
Eh, what do you think? Taylor.
How did Taylor break the window?
How do you think? By being Taylor.
Taylor's Taylor-ness can now break glass?
You know what I mean.
He's doing something, and crash, bang, there you go. Hey, is it, uh, six yet?
Uh, a little past.
Ah, shoot. Town meeting's started.
So?
So I thought we'd go. I mean, you like those things, right?
Uh, yeah, but you don't.
Yes, but, this is your big night, you know,
with the article and everything. Look, why don't we hit the town meeting and then we'll go get something to eat, like a little celebration?
Oh, sounds good!
Yeah, great! Let's go, we got to, we got to hurry.
Okay.
Come on, people! It’s not that complicated.
I don’t want to be a burden.
Patty? What about that couch you have at the back or your studio?
In her freezing cold studio with no insulation and no heat.
Sounds great.
Hi.
Hi, what’s happening?
Problems with Kirk’s schedule.
Ah. Can’t Sheriff Taylor just let him share a cell with Otis for the night?
Well, maybe the Morris’ will take him again.
Their kids stuck things in my nose.
Well, then, lock the door when you sleep!
It wasn’t while I was asleep.
Hey. How’d you drag Luke here?
He wanted to come.
I’ll just sleep outside in the gazebo.
I would ask, though, that if I die from exposure,
don’t just dump me in the landfill.
No one’s dumping you in a landfill, Kirk.
It’s against regulations.
Let’s pigeonhole this matter for now,
people. Get on to our next order of business.
It’s the matter of the estate of the late Joshua Twickham. As you know -
You bring food?
After the trail mix fiasco, I wouldn’t dare.
Sorry.
I am happy to say
that this beloved elder was generous even on his deathbed.
Mr. Twickham has left his beautiful home to the town.
Is his deathbed still there? I’m not picky.
What does that mean, to the town?
Luke! What are you doing here?
Just keep going, Taylor.
He left the house to the Historical Society
along with his ample collection of valuable memorabilia.
His will stipulates that the house is to be converted into a museum.
A museum?
Are you going to interrupt me the whole meeting?
I’m just asking.
A Stars Hollow museum.
We will display his personal historical artifacts for a period of two months.
After two months, the house is to be disposed of at the discretion of the head of the Historical Society,
he meaning me.
Oh, goody.
So now you’re going to talk under your breath.
I’m sorry.
Funny, I didn’t hear those words come out of your mouth this morning after you tried to kill me.
What?
So, we’re going to need strong volunteers to make this dream a reality.
Now, anyone with appropriate skills, let’s see a show of hands.
Uh, you’re really going to have to fill me in on the gag, here.
Luke, don’t come to these things just to mock our business.
I’m not mocking anything, I’m volunteering.
After you threw a frying pan at my head.
You threw a frying pan at Taylor’s head?
Just for playing my Muzak
too loud. I mean, who doesn’t love Muzak?
Oh! Music lovers?
The thing slipped out of my hand.
Right after you said, quote, um,
you better duck, Taylor, because I’m going to throw this frying pan at your head”?
You threw a frying pan at Taylor’s head without me there? I hate you.
I’m volunteering. Take it or leave it.
Patty, take down the names of the legitimate volunteers, please.
Now, whoever’s actually going to show up, our day starts at seven sharp.
To the rest, shame on you.
Now, onto item number three. The budgetary concerns about the new snowplow.
I’m sorry, does Taylor have compromising pictures of you or something?
It’s no joke.
Why on earth are you volunteering for Taylor?
Well, um -
Luke.
How well did you know Old Man Twickham?
Somewhat.
Well, I knew him all my life. He was like another dad, in a way.
Oh. Nice.
And I didn’t show up to say good-bye, and I’m feeling a little guilty about it,
you know. He’s a good guy. I just want to do right by him.
Well. You are a terrific fellow, Luke Danes.
No, Kirk.
If you build an igloo to sleep in, and the town plow runs over it, it kills you,
we are not going to just leave your corpse in the snow.
Okay, but I don’t want to be a burden.
Let’s store all the boxes inside. Sort through them in there, then store what we don’t need in the garage.
Morning, Taylor.
What are you doing here?
I volunteered.
I don’t get the joke.
There’s no joke! I’m at your disposal.
Now, we’re going to need a nice flat staging area, perhaps over there, because there’s no space here out front.
What about right here?
My office is going here.
Your office? Why do you need an office?
So you came to complain?
No, I was just -
I’m organizing! I’m working! I need an office!
Okay, fine. Sorry. Carry on.
Come on, everybody! Let’s hook up with people inside and I’ll start handing out assignments.
Eh, where are you going?
Inside
Why?
I’m a volunteer!
Hey, Luke.
Hey, Kyle.
Just thought I’d lend a hand.
Uh-huh, good one.
Is this everybody, people?
I believe so, Taylor.
What the hell are you doing here?
I can’t keep answering this question.
Come in, good folk.
We are embarking on a wonderful adventure.
Right here in this room, we will display Mr. Twickham’s impressive collection of memorabilia.
Upstairs, we’ll house the multimedia dioramas depicting the history of the town.
Sounds good.
Now, I took the liberty of doing up some fun shirts that we all can wear.
Everyone, please. Put one on.
Isn’t that nice.
Now, they all take a cold water wash and tumble dry.
Low.
Now, before we begin, I’d like us all to join hands.
What?
He’s a twisted little perv if you ask me.
Come on, everybody, take hands.
Let’s close our eyes and visualize our goal.
Picture a freckle-faced boy,
eyes wide with curiosity, drinking in the history of the town as he wanders the room.
He’s by the door,
he’s going by the stairs, he’s delighting -
Luke’s peeking.
That means you’re peeking too, snitch.
Quiet! Please!
Hey, I’ve lost track. Where’s the freckle-faced kid walking?
Okay, I think that’s enough visualizing, everybody. How about we start organizing all these boxes, okay?
I’d like a moment with you, Luke.
Yeah, time to let go, there, Taylor!
I want the straight skinny from you.
Really, let go of my hand.
Not until you tell me what you’re doing.
I’m really just trying to get my hand away from you.
Why are you here? Why did you volunteer?
Because I wanted to!
Luke, you hated Old Man Twickham. I know that for a fact. You said despicable things about him your whole life!
Well, okay. If you must know, Lorelai asked me.
Lorelai?
That’s right.
You know, we’ve been through a bit of a rough patch -
Yes.
Well, I want to make things right with her. Get off to a good new start.
She really wants me to get involved with community things, so she asked me to get involved.
So, I’m doing it for her.
Well, I think that’s very nice.
So I’m here for you, Taylor. One hundred percent.
Good. Because you’re not untalented.
Thank you.
How about I make you my right-hand man? Stick by me! Be me when I’m not here! What do you say?
Well, I’ll need my right hand back for that, I think.
Of course.
Okay. Good. This is a new side of you, Luke, and I like it. All right, let’s get started, everybody!
Kirk, grab Kyle and come on over and help me start in this corner.
So, which is your favorite room?
Oh, that changes daily. Today it’s the library.
What do you love about it?
It - hugs you. You know - does that sound silly?
Not at all.
Um, the kitchen turned out so wonderfully. So
the kitchen and the library are duking it out right now.
I should definitely get the name of your designer.
Numerous. We went through quite a few.
Really? The design’s so cohesive.
What you see is a lot of me.
Uh, she said that so humbly.
Hey, credit where credit is due.
I put my soul into this place.
My heart.
My liver, a couple of kidneys.
I had a great partner in Sookie, and, uh,
we had a great community rooting for us -
That’s what you feel here. Support, family,
homeyness, warmth. It must reflect your upbringing.
No?
I am just happy I wasn’t sipping coffee when you said that, it would have come out my nose.
Oh. Childhood wasn’t so warm and fuzzy?
You know Superman’s fortress of solitude?
A Jamaican beach, compared to my mother’s house.
So I’ll cross your mother off your list of inspirations.
No, I actually did pick up some valuable lessons on running a staff from my mother.
How so?
Well, I consider what my mother would do in a given situation,
then I dial it back, and I have what Mussolini would do, then I dial it back, and I have what Stalin would do,
and then I dial that back and then it starts approaching what a sane person would do.
Ouch.
You’re right. Let’s find a topic happier than my relationship with my mother.
Basically that would be anything short of famine.
Okay.
I will tell you one story about my mother on a family vacation.
Jimmy Carter was there.
And he had a bigger room.
All righty. Upstairs floors and walls cleaned,
check.
Blackout curtains delivered and ready to be installed,
check.
Uh, Luke?
Yeah.
It would really help to hear you say ‘check’.
Oh, I’m getting it, Taylor.
But how do I know that unless you say ‘check’ after I say ‘check’?
Fine.
And audio equipment delivered, awaiting mounting brackets,
check?
Check.
Excellent.
Boys, boys, what’s so funny?
I took the mannequin by the arms and I said -
Wait, wait, I’ll tell him. He goes ‘grab the other end’ -
No, no, I said, ‘grab her end’ -
Right, so I grabbed her here.
Her rear end!
And I was walking with it like that!
Really, do I have to separate you two? Now set that down and bring in the others.
Modestly.
So, Gypsy. Find some interesting stuff?
How does a George Washington letter sound?
Fantastic.
Wow, that’s great!
Mint condition, too.
Let’s frame it, and hang it in a place of honor.
Eh, I’m not sure this is what you think it is.
What do you mean? It’s a letter to the editor, signed ‘George Washington’.
It’s dated ‘1944’.
That’s a little smudged, that could be 1744.
It mentions Jack Benny.
Well, we could cross out the Jack Benny part.
Let’s put it on the ‘to be displayed’ pile and we’ll authenticate it at a later date.
Actually, why don’t we put it in the ‘maybe’ pile,
Taylor? There’s got to be better than this.
You’re right! Let’s keep our standards high. Good thinking, Luke.
Now, Gypsy, as soon as we have everything catalogued, my man Luke here will liaise with you to co-ordinate your needs.
Right, we’ll liaise.
Fine. But I’m not doing nothing dirty.
Carry on.
Hey, so we should start moving this stuff in the other room so we can clean here next -
Luke.
Yeah?
Taylor would like to see you in his office.
What? He was just here.
That’s what he said.
I’ll be right back.
Come in.
You wanted to see me?
Ah, Luke. Yes. Sit down, won’t you? We need to talk.
Now, if you’re going to disagree with me, which you have every right to, please don’t do it in front of the rest of the crew.
What are you talking about?
That George Washington letter. I was humiliated.
No you weren’t.
Luke, we’re a team. Don’t forget that.
Fine, okay. I won’t disagree with you in front of the crew.
Good.
Although, it’s probably safest for you not to disagree with me at all, don’t you think?
Ah, sure. I agree.
Good.
Taylor!
This is Taylor Doose.
The carpenter is here, Taylor.
Copy that.
Uh, liaise with him, would you?
Mm-hm. You took the words right out of my mouth.
Where’s the guy, Kirk?
Right over there.
Every one of these people is dead.
That makes me sad.
That movie is from the sixties. They’re not all dead.
Well, they’re old.
Osteoporosistic. These days if they shake it, they break it. That makes me sad.
Switch back to Moller.
Hey, it was your idea for me to watch a movie.
It was my idea for you to do whatever it took to get your mind off Doyle.
So, you’re going away, huh?
No Huntzberger this weekend?
Obviously not.
You guys were hot and heavy for a couple weeks. What happened?
Nothing.
Feast turned into famine, huh?
Fine. If you must know, yes.
See, Paris, I am not in denial. Logan and I were hot and heavy, had a good two weeks,
then it became about voicemails, then crickets.
So, yes, he pulled back and I’m going crazy, but I’m not going to stay here and wallow and watch you be all depressed.
You’re right.
About what?
About staying here. You should get out, I should get out. This place is poison.
It is!
I don’t want to be like this. I want to live my life so that I’ll be able to read an in-depth biography about myself in later years, and not puke.
Good.
I’m going to get up and pack, and I am going to have some fun this weekend.
Good.
How does this end?
They dance again.
Okay.
Hey, Zach?
Grandy’s closes at eight tonight, a little early because it’s one of his kid’s birthdays,
but I checked with Luke
and he’s letting me off at seven, so we’ve got plenty of time.
For what?
To shop at Grandy’s.
We set it up last week.
We did?
Yes.
Huh. Well, can we go next week?
Zach, we haven’t hit Grandy’s in four months. We’re completely out of cleaning supplies.
Well, I can’t go tonight, so just go without me.
But you love shopping for cleaning supplies.
I know, but tonight I’ve got something to do.
What?
I’m just going to go chill with some friends.
Who?
Well, okay, Officer, I confess. Body’s in the trunk.
Zach.
I’m just going to see some old friends. God, what do you want, names and addresses?
No. Fine. I’ll go by myself.
Good.
And don’t forget. Get a dishwashing liquid that’s gentle on my hands.
I will.
Hello!
Hi! Honey!
This is okay, right? Springing a surprise visit on you.
This is your definition of surprise?
This is not a surprise. Come on in, I’ll show you a surprise.
Paris!
I packed my bags and was on the road before I remembered that parents don’t own property in the United States anymore.
Since when?
Since the IRS red-foxed my father.
The place in Asylum Hill, the Nantucket cottage - even the crack-house in Harlem that we converted into a co-op was sold to one of the Queer Eye guys.
Where’d they go?
They’re going to wire me when they’re safe.
Anyway, I’m here.
Should I leave?
No, stay.
Uh, if it’s okay with Mom.
It’s okay with me.
So I guess you can have the couch.
Ah, sorry. That’s spoken for.
What?
Hey, Rory. This is a nice surprise.
The Maddis’ were supposed to have him tonight. They have goldfish. Kirk’s afraid of goldfish.
They’re always staring at you. All gold and unblinking.
I like sleeping on the floor anyway. It’s good for my back.
Okay.
Enjoy.
Can I, um -
Mm-hm.
How do you feel about goldfish?
So, what inspired your visit?
Just nothing else to do.
Ah, well, don’t I feel special.
Sorry. You know what I mean.
You mean, I love you mommy, I miss you mommy.
That’s what I meant.
So, no parties or anything? No dates?
No. Just a nice quiet weekend. It’s perfect.
Oh, wait,
you didn’t have anything planned with Luke tonight? Don’t cancel it on my account.
No, it’s okay. He’s busy.
Taylor’s making him drive out to fetch an historical cannonball that Old Man Twickham had lent to his sister in Mystic.
What would you borrow a cannonball for?
It’s been bugging me too.
Hm. So, how’d your magazine interview go?
Good, I think. I mean, I’ve never done one before. She didn’t stab me with her pencil or anything.
A very good thing.
My interviewer was really cool. Sandra. It was more like friends chatting than being interviewed.
She loved the inn, and she asked some good questions, and she loved, loved my Emily stuff.
Your Emily stuff?
Yeah, she asked me questions about my background.
I gave it to her, unplugged.
You didn’t.
She asked.
But you couched it, right?
What do you mean?
I mean, you described it in so many words, colorful but unemotional?
I called her the female Pol Pot.
Mom, you didn’t.
he laughed, for like, a minute.
That’s so harsh.
Harsh, but true.
Can I get some water?
Why are you covering your eyes, Kirk?
In case you’re naked.
You thought I’d walk into my daughter’s room and get naked?
I don’t know your domestic routine.
Glasses are above the sink.
So you attribute any war crimes to Grandma? Any environmental disasters?
What? We were just talking. She won’t print any of it.
Why? Was it off the record?
Yeah. Technically. It wasn’t about the inn.
But did you say ‘it’s off the record’?
No.
Then it’s fair game, so she can print all of it.
Including the limerick?
You did your limerick?
I am very proud of it.
I found two dirty words that rhyme with Emily.
Oh, boy.
Well, can’t I call the reporter and tell her it was off the record?
You can’t take things off the record once they’re on.
Well, so what? The chances that my mother reads American Travel are extremely slim.
Yeah. Except for the fact that I told her about it tonight.
I needed some small talk.
What, and ‘how are the girls at the club’ and ‘ooh, that’s gorgeous, is it new’ doesn’t work anymore? Those are tried and true standbys.
Well, I told her about it and she jotted down the title. She’s going to read it.
Okay, well, you know what?
Fine. Let her.
It’s all true.
I’m tired of protecting people. Of being polite, of worrying about other people’s feelings.
Let her get all Condoleezza Rice to my Barbara Boxer if she wants.
Ow!
Kirk, you can open your eyes!
I’m fine. Ow, my head!
Kirk.
I’m fine!
Ow, my toe!
Kirk!
Oh! My knee!
Kirk!
You were right. We should have tied the cannonball down.
Taylor, you don’t like to drive after dark, so we didn’t have time to tie the cannonball down.
You didn’t have the proper tools to secure it with anyway. Netting, twine -
Yes, well, drat my luck. I took all my cannonball securing tools out of my truck just yesterday.
Must weigh about a hundred pounds.
Something like that.
Oh, good. We’re in luck. Hey, Dean!
No, Taylor, I’ll move it myself.
Luke, don’t be headstrong.
Once I strained my pecs lifting a birdbath and they were no good to me ever again.
What do you need, Taylor?
Got a big heavy ball here. How are your pecs?
They’re fine.
Help us to the house?
Look, buddy -
Where do you want it, Taylor?
Uh, on the lawn is fine. We’ll put it in place tomorrow morning.
Lucky you were here.
Yeah. Lucky.
Breakfast!
Morning.
Morning! Hey, Rory, are you up?
She’s probably on the phone.
I’m not on the phone. I’m just getting dressed.
Coffee?
Definitely. Yes.
So, did you get any rest?
Kirk talks in his sleep.
Anything juicy?
He deals blackjack.
Hm. Kirk?
Yeah?
Turn off the TV, come have your breakfast.
In a minute.
Now.
How old is he?
You’d have to cut him open and count the rings.
Morning.
You really should see a sleep therapist.
Roulette?
Blackjack.
Sorry.
Kirk, is the TV still on?
Oh, I forgot!
No, no. I’ll get it.
You’d forget your head if it wasn’t screwed on.
Don’t deny that you were on the phone.
Phone’s in the living room.
Oh, that’s your phone? It rang about an hour ago.
It was ringing?
No.
Knock it off.
What are you guys talking about?
Fine.
No forts.
Now, I don’t know what all your plans are, but the grand opening of the Stars Hollow Museum is this morning. Any takers?
It’s always amusing when provincials grasp for legitimacy.
I’m in.
I wouldn’t miss it.
I helped build it.
Bully.
All right, well, finish up here, grab your jackets and we’ll go.
I don’t need a jacket.
Well, it’s chilly, Kirk.
I don’t want to wear a jacket.
Well, then, maybe you won’t go to the grand opening of the Stars Hollow museum.
I’ll put on my jacket.
Finish your breakfast first.
Kirk. Do not turn that TV on.
Kirk! I mean it, Kirk!
Please enjoy the museum, and come back for some punch.
Good morning, ladies!
Hi, Patty.
Oh, I remember you! You poor thing.
Thanks.
It’s three dollars each. That includes the punch. Would you like yours now?
Oh, how about later? After I eat a loaf of bread, a pound of crackers and chase it with a quart of olive oil.
Well, it’s not my punch if it’s not strong.
Hey, are you guys coming? Oh!
looks like we’re the first group in.
I’ll catch up. I told Lane I’d meet up with her.
‘Kay, see you.
Bye.
How are you doing?
I’m fine.
Doyle’s probably called me at the dorm,
and my not calling him back means he may never call me again.
There you go. There you have it.
Paris, you’ve come this far. Don’t buckle.
I don’t want to buckle.
I really don’t want to buckle.
Here. Keep it for me.
Your cell phone? Are you sure?
Remove the temptation.
You got it. There’s Lane.
Hello.
What’s wrong with you?
I don’t want to talk about it.
Well, we’re a fun group.
Paris -
We paid our three dollars.
Miss Patty’s leftover punch is used to remove tar from construction sites.
Then let it remove the tar from our souls.
Here it is.
Oh, it’s nice!
You really turned this around fast, huh?
Well, it was a team effort.
Hey look, old letters!
Oh, I love those!
Letter from Olivia Taft.
Reported grand-niece by marriage to president William Taft.
Written to Chester Hobart, assumed distant relative to Garret Hobart, vice-president to William McKinley. Wow.
Oh, I love history.
Ooh! Possibly rare 48 star American flag!
Ah, look at that.
Oh, someone was supposed to take the Sears tag off of that.
What’s this?
Civil War era cannonball!
Ah, where’s the cannonball?
Flashlights!
I don’t see it!
Oh, wait, right there! Right there!
Ooh! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool!
Ladies and gentlemen.
Our audio-visual presentation will commence in five minutes. Five minutes, everybody.
Hey, check out that painting!
Oh, yeah, actually that’s pretty cool.
It’s a possible circa nineteenth century portrait of what we think may have been the founder of a school that possibly educated Ben Franklin’s cousin.
He just flat out looked out of his face right into my face and said to my face that he was lying.
Zach said that he was lying?
No. He lied from his face into my face
about where he was going. That’s what hurts the most, the lie!
Except for seeing him with that woman! That hurts most, more than the lie.
You’d think they’d stumble onto the truth.
Just accidentally. Say something like two plus two equals four.
Just because they say so many things just accidentally, that’s like -
man!
I know!
They just have to repopulate the species.
You know? Just spread it around.
Oh, they like to spread it around, all right.
I bet you Doyle’s spreading it right now.
You don’t know that he’s spreading it.
This - is tasty.
I’ve had it!
Had what?
I’m getting to the bottom of this.
Spank his bottom!
He can’t do this! We’re friends too, as well as lovers if we ever get married!
She walks funny.
I’m thirsty. This punch makes you thirsty.
Where is the nearest bathroom?
No. Paris, no. Stay.
I need to go to the bathroom.
You’re going to call Doyle.
What?
You’ve got my cell phone.
We’re low-tech here in the Hollow, but we do have payphones.
I’m not going to call Doyle.
Yes you are.
I don’t even have money on me.
Uh-huh.
Fine.
Take my shoes, okay?
How far can I get without my shoes?
Now, bathroom?
Over there.
I’ll be right back.
Good.
Excuse me?
Could I trouble you for some change?
Excuse me, I just need some change to make a call. Could you -
I just need to make a call!
Where are we going?
You’ll see.
What is this?
You wouldn’t want me to spoil it.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Stars Hollow dioramic history room presentation.
Please stand toward the center of the room, and remember, no talking, no smoking, and please,
no lewd behavior of any kind during our presentation.
Hey!
I’m just getting the lewd behavior out of the way before the presentation.
It’s the dawn of time.
And whether you believe that a Supreme Being created the earth,
or in the more and more discredited theory of evolution,
one thing’s for certain.
Early man walked the land we are now on.
And while no printed record survived, there’s no proof that the first tools weren’t invented right here
in Stars Hollow.
That wrench is really getting him hot.
there’s people!
That’s half the fun.
Zooming forward in time to the founding
of Stars Hollow.
The very first people to live on this land, besides the Indians, was the Jebediah family.
Good puritans, they were led by the humble Reverend Ezekiel.
With him was wife Louisa, daughter Harriet, and young son Joseph, born without speech.
I wonder what that first conversation was when they rode up to their new home?
Whoa, boy. Good girl. You smell that air, mother?
It smells like home, Ezekiel.
Ho, ho, ho, ho. And look at this fertile soil. Just a-wantin’ to yield crops.
It smells like home, Ezekiel.
But what of the young’uns? What have they to say of their new home?
We can run in the woods, play games, and be schooled at home!
Hey! My divining rod is twitching! That means there’s water a-plenty.
Better get inside, children, it’s time for supper.
Okay, mother. I’m hungry. You hungry, too, Joseph?
Those stars. So bright. This forest, hollow.
What name should I give this place?
Hollow. Stars. Hollow. Stars.
No. Really? They’re going to leave us on a cliffhanger?
Sophie!
Geez, Lane, I don’t have time for coffee right now.
You owe me an explanation! You - woman!
What are you talking about?
You know what I’m talking about. I look to you as a role model. Well, not anymore, except as a role model for heartbreak!
I know what you can offer him. You’re bohemian, and experienced,
familiar with the world of sensual pleasure, champagne, Times Square.
I bet you’ve even smoked a cigarette or two!
Oh my God, your breath would stop an elephant!
You’ve not only been to New York, but you’ve lived there. You know where the best bagels are and you’ve been with men.
But you don’t know him like I know him.
It’s cheap thrills for you, sister! But I know what cleaning products he likes. Do you?
I’m not sure how to answer that.
It had to have been a moment of weakness, because he doesn’t like you! He likes me!
Who?
Zach!
Zach?
Zach!
Come here.
Zach?
Lane!
Talk!
Why are you playing a banjo?
It’s a bluegrass band, okay? I like bluegrass. I like jamming with these guys, and yes, I like the banjo.
But why didn’t you tell me?
Because we’re rock and roll, Lane. You and me.
I was embarrassed. So the guys and I have been jamming on the sly here.
Sophie let us.
I like the banjo.
Well, I like the banjo too,
when you’re playing it.
Really?
Yeah.
It’s kind of hot.
The guys are watching.
Well,
go back to your playing.
Cool.
Oh! And I got three things of Pine-Sol. I’ve been dying to tell you!
But there’s been this weird thing between us.
Lemon?
Yeah. Because I know that’s what you like.
Let’s hit it, boys.
Hey, I need some change here.
Come on, damn it! Yeah, keep walking. Keep walking!
Hey!
Hey, I need fifty cents! Come on! Just fifty cents! Watch it!
Hey!
Give me fifty cents!
Fall in a hole!
Hey, it’s Logan. Leave whatever message you want.
And if this is Finn? Buddy, your voicemail is full! Again!
We’re meeting at the Starwood, nine-thirty, then just club-hopping from there.
There’s eleven of us, so bring the Hummer. Don’t be more than a half hour late, and erase those stupid messages.
Sanitation in wartime.
No one likes to think about it,
but in Stars Hollow that’s all we thought about.
A local manufacturer, Buff-Rite,
was the sole supplier of all things pertaining to sanitation and hygiene for our boys in World War two.
Remember their snappy theme song?
Walk light, smell right, head held high with Buff-Rite!
Closed due to a dramatic drop in demand for its chief products,
urinal cakes, the Buff-Rite factory nevertheless afforded hundreds of Stars Hollow residents healthy livelihoods.
The Buff-Rite diorama is dedicated -
Sorry, that’s me.
Oh, I’ve got to take this.
I’ll meet you outside. I’ve seen enough.
I can’t get enough.
Walk light, smell right -
Remember the sixties?
The town of Stars Hollow does! What a headache!
A veritable dark age,
culminating in a sit-in that gathered over a thousand freaks from the Tri-county area.
Hello?
Uh, hi, Lorelai! It’s Sandra from American Travel.
Sandra, hi. Thanks for getting back to me so quickly.
No problem, what’s up?
Well, I was just thinking about -
Oh, it was great, by the way. Everyone just flipped for it here.
Oh, wonderful. Thank you.
But I just wanted to let you know, I think I may have crossed a line with the stuff about my mother?
What? No! It was the best part!
Oh, so it’s in the article?
It’s not the dominant thing, but it’s in. It’s great color.
Right.
Well, I was wondering if maybe you could lose some of that color. Would that screw things up too much?
Oh, but the stuff about your mother is great! My editor flipped.
Wow. So it’s already gone to an editor?
We turn things around pretty quickly.
I guess so. You know,
Sandra, I would really like you to cut all the stuff about my mother.
Um, it would be a big favour.
I would really rather not. It was a lot of work.
Okay, couldn’t you just do a quick re-write, for a friend?
We’re not friends.
Oh, right.
Look. It’s too late to change it. The only other option we have is pulling it altogether.
Pulling it?
Yeah, and just subbing in something else.
The whole article? The cover and everything?
The whole thing.
Oh.
Look, don’t worry about it. It’s great. It flies by.
The readers are going to love it, okay?
Okay,
sure.
Thanks for calling me back. Bye.
I’m sure looking forward to work today!
Haley, put your Etch-a-Sketch away and come sit down.
What’s this?
Modern life in Stars Hollow.
Great breakfast, mother.
Yeah, you’ve done it again, mom!
I just love serving breakfast to my family.
And I love Jesus!
Look at these clamouring crowds, partner!
Yeah, people seem to be having a good time.
It was a rush job, but spectacular. It’s more than I thought it would be.
Oh, way more.
I’m seriously considering going permanent with this.
What?
Well, I think we’ve got something here. Something big. A two-month run isn’t enough!
We’ve at least got to hold it over through the summer!
Taylor -
I’m thinking we should keep it open for at least a year.
Even if it doesn’t make money.
At that point, we’ve got the publicity.
We’ve made the guidebooks. My God! We’ll have a Cooperstown-type attraction on our hands!
Taylor, no!
What?
Are you blind? This place is a piece of crap!
What? A piece of -
Look at it! The old man’s stuff - it’s not even historical!
It’s all a bunch of stuff that may have belonged to people who may have distantly related to people who may have been historically meaningful!
And the diorama
Well, I’ll admit, it’s a little rough -
It’s a joke.
Luke, I don’t get it.
You helped build this! You were so co-operative! Why are you turning on it like this? Turning on me?
I want the house.
What?
I want this house, Taylor.
All my life I’ve loved this house. They don’t build them like this anymore. I mean, you saw the banisters, right?
Well, yeah, but -
No. I’ve always said to myself if you’re going to have a family and buy a house, then it’s got to be this house.
Oh -
It’s why I volunteered, okay? I got involved with this whole thing to stay close to the house and
keep on your good side. You had the control.
I should have known that you were doing this for selfish reasons.
Taylor, look.
I know you don’t like me, I can’t change that.
But I’ve got to be honest here. This museum is not going to make it. This
property, these expenses, the taxes, the upkeep. I mean,
the floor broke through from just the cannonball. It’s going to take money.
Do you want to keep a money loser on the books? Do you want that to be your legacy in Stars Hollow? Because that’s what this is, Taylor. It’s a money pit.
Well, I don’t want a money pit on the books.
Just keep it open for the two months, then sell it to me. I’ll give you the best price, I swear.
A family. You mean, you and Lorelai -
Me and - whoever. Yeah.
Huh.
Well, I’ll think about it.
We have got to bring everyone we know to this thing immediately, before the Nederlanders swoop in and whisk it away to Broadway.
And at three bucks a pop. That crappy Epis show costs a hundred bucks.
I’ve got to make a quick call, maybe we’ll go through again.
Once is not enough!
Sandra, hi. It’s Lorelai Gilmore, again.
Listen, I was thinking, I think you should just pull the article.
Yeah, I’m sure. But thanks. Okay. Bye.
So, was it all I said it would be?
Oh, and more!
I’ve got to go through with Rory, have you seen her anywhere?
Haven’t seen her, no.
Wow.
What?
I just never really looked at this place before. Those columns, and that brick.
Yeah.
It’s beautiful.
Yeah. It’s a great house.
Mom.
Aw, Rory, honey, what’s wrong?
I don’t feel good. I really don’t feel good.
I think I can, uh, guess why. Come on, let’s get you home.
You need help? Want me to drive?
It’s okay, it’s just five minutes. Come on.
Okay, Dean. Come on. Give me that attitude. What’s up?
What is this, still about the Pippi night? The Bop-it?
Fine. You hate me, whatever.
You want to punch me? Go ahead, I’m a terrible guy, I deserve it. Go ahead, take a shot. I won’t even fight back.
Make you feel better, huh, buddy?
Just go back to your girlfriend.
Fine. Whatever.
While you’ve got one.
What’s that supposed to mean?
What do you think it means?
I’m not playing games here!
Your situation is no different from mine. Buddy.
I’ve got work to do.
Then go.
They want more than this.
Don’t you see that?
And all you are is this.
Rory was a kid, Dean. She grew up. She moved on. Accept it.
You accept it.
This town, it’s all you are, and it’s not enough.
She’s going to get bored, and you can’t take her anywhere.
You’re here forever.
It’s different.
It’s not different.
You and me.
Same thing.
Why doesn’t he like me?
Why doesn’t he call me? What did I do?
Sh, honey, it’s okay. It’s okay.
Logan
Sh, it’s okay.
Transcript KRISTINA SMITH