Marge? Hi, it's Grace.
Listen, I can't do the silent auction.
Because it's being sponsored by the law firm.
Well, because Robert is divorcing me.
Because he is a homosexual.
With Sol.
Yes, that Sol.
Yup, I guess so.
Better go ahead and get that. Okay.
Yeah, bye, Marge, bye-bye.
You wanna play the tough guy, huh? That's how you wanna do it?
Okay, I can wait. I've got nowhere else to be.
Well, jury duty, but that's not till October.
What's Mallory's food problem du jour?
Her... gluten or meat? I can't remember.
Right. No. It's something ridiculous. Corn, maybe?
Nothing doesn't have corn.
I have to rethink the whole dinner now.
Sol, it's not till tomorrow. We've got plenty of time.
And it'll be fine. Our families have had a million dinners together.
The girls adore you.
That was before they found out I was going to be their new stepmother.
Sol, you're making me nervous.
Say, do you remember the way Grace used to fold the napkins
into bow-ties sometimes? Do you know how she did that?
- No idea. - Oh.
I should wash these before we use them.
You're using china? We're going that fancy?
I just think people are on their best behavior when they eat off china.
Clearly you've never raised boys.
Oh, geez, Coyote. I forgot.
- We haven't thought this through. - We're thinking it through now.
- There's something else we're forgetting. - Sol, it's just a dinner.
We might forget something. So what? It's fine. They're gonna be fine.
- We're gonna be fine. - Oh, I know we're gonna be fine.
Because I'm gonna open the bottle of wine we're not serving to Coyote.
Well, you're not gonna drink it alone.
I love the dear silver That shines in your hair
And the brow that's all wrinkled And furrowed with care
I...
I kiss the dear fingers So toil-worn for me
- Oh... - Oh...
God bless you and keep you
- Mother Machree - Mother Machree
Do we have a poltergeist?
Worse. Nothing better to do.
So what is it that you are doing?
I'm trimming the rug.
Because it grows so fast, huh?
- Get your scissors away from my rug! - Fine, fine.
I'll go alphabetize the spices.
No. They're in order of how often we use them.
Leave the allspice in the back where it belongs.
You know what? I think your painting's calling you.
No, it isn't. We're not talking right now.
Hey, where you going?
I've made a monumental life decision.
What? What's the matter with the ignition?
I've made a life decision.
Oh, where are you going to go fishing?
Listen, if you want to talk to me, come in here.
You have got to get a hearing device.
How do you expect me to hear you when you're shouting
from the other side of the house? What were you saying?
I am going back to work!
Good. Where?
To my company.
The one you gave to Brianna?
The one I built from nothing.
- Okay, brava. - Where's my phone?
- Miss? - Huh?
Oh.
So, where's Brianna going to work?
You know what? I'm going to go.
Oh, can I come with you?
- Get your own job. - I've got a job.
Yeah. Teaching convicts.
We call them rehabilitated former offenders.
This is what we're calling them now? That's good to know.
I like the idea of going fishing. I don't like to kill the fish, though.
I guess I could throw them back.
But I don't have a boat. My friend Todd has a boat.
Where is Todd?
Oh, right, he died.
I should call his wife. Where's my cell phone?
I'll call it. What's my number?
Should we tell Mom?
Are you nuts? It's just gonna make her feel bad.
- I feel weird. - It's all weird, Bud.
Our father and his boyfriend are having their children over for dinner.
I can top that. The love of your squandered life is gonna be there.
- Probably with her husband. - Shit!
You do realize Coyote is going to be there, right?
Okay, I don't want to talk about Coyote.
I know. I do, though. Is Mitch coming?
No, my husband will stay home with the kids
when the babysitter suddenly gets sick.
You know what, maybe I'll get sick, too. Or maybe I'll just hang with Mom.
If I'm going to this dinner, you're going. And Mom can't know about this.
If you breathe one word of this to Mom, I will tell her who really killed Dimples.
Will you stop throwing that fucking hamster in my face!
You don't have to go.
I do have to go. I have to talk to Mallory.
And it's important for Dad. And New Dad, Robert Dad.
I smell a trigger. You gonna be okay?
I'll even out by the third vodka.
That's not funny yet.
Just don't talk to Mom for the next two days.
Okay, what if she calls?
If she calls, don't lie like a pussy. Sell it.
Wait. Is this one of those things where you tell me not to tell her
and then you get to tell her and you get to be the hero?
- Hi, Mom! - Oh, my God, let me talk to her!
This is different.
Lovely.
Have a seat.
- So glad you stopped by. - Yeah. Me, too.
So... what's up?
Well, I've been thinking a lot about it lately, and I've come to apologize.
Apology accepted. What did you do?
I handed you this business and I abandoned you.
I took a competent, no-frills money manager and thrust her into the rough
and tumble world of beauty products.
It's not exactly the Thunderdome here, Mom.
And you know, we're up 15 percent this last quarter.
That's wonderful, honey. But here's what I'm thinking.
I want to try to make it up to you
by offering you something you could really use.
- A boyfriend who doesn't talk? - No.
Me. I would love to come back to work here.
- Oh... - You'd still be CEO.
But it just feels...
like a natural fit for us, doesn't it?
Yeah. But you retired. We had a party.
There were shrimp cakes and speeches. Margaret cried.
- Do we have a problem here? - Well, I mean, I don't know.
We've gone in a different direction, and that took capital.
I don't know if I have the money to hire someone else.
Well, what do you mean, "different direction"?
Oh, gosh! I mean more...
relevant.
Are you implying I'm irrelevant?
Because that would be interesting,
given that my face is all over the darn box.
I know. Um... only until the fall, though.
You... you replaced my face with a plant?
Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Mmm!
See, we're going for a more youthful customer,
and she's urban, and she's active,
and she responds better to a plant than a face.
I've been erased.
I'm sorry, Mom. I should have told you.
- Help me, damn it. - I don't think I can...
- No! Out of the chair! - Oh.
Here.
Just...
- This is what I know how to do. - God, Mom. I know.
- So? - So... I can't.
- I don't understand! Why not? - I can't, because...
Because if you're here, no one will see me.
You're a big presence. You cast a giant shadow.
I could never come out from underneath that.
If you came back here, I'd be completely invisible.
I don't think you know what that feels like.
I think I'm beginning to.
Well, would you at least let me take you to dinner?
I wish I could... I've got a thing.
- A thing? - Don't ask.
FYI, childbirth was easier than getting out of that chair.
I personally prefer working in oils,
although watercolors are more forgiving as we age.
Oh, yeah, yeah. So, this is the dining room.
Salad bars usually freak me out, but this one seems sanitary.
Well, you know, you're welcome to have all your meals here if you like.
We've got kosher options. And... vegetarian.
Is it that obvious?
Your shoes.
Oh, I do have my MFA. An online MFA.
- I'm a Phoenix. - Oh. Good for you.
Fuck.
- Hello? - Hi. Can you be nice to me?
Um, okay...
I love you. You're so pretty. I gotta go.
Mal...
Am I irrelevant?
Oh, Mom.
Not to me. I gotta go.
Okay, bye.
I like it here. This could work.
Well, we would really like to have you.
Really? Oh, God, that is fantastic!
Oh, my God.
Oh. Okay.
So, William, let's get down to brass tacks. How much?
Well, it'll be ten thousand a month.
To teach art!
Art. Wait, art?
You placed an ad for an art teacher.
You're not Myrna Rosenblum, are you?
I was supposed to give her a new resident's tour at two o'clock.
To live here? Oh, my God.
Do I look like I need a bed with a motor?
Oh, well, people are taking really good care of themselves these days.
No, no, I have taken terrible care of myself.
I am young. I'm... I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Excuse me.
My joints are supple.
The girls are here.
I swear we're forgetting something.
Anyway, here we go.
Wait, wait, wait.
Now here we go.
Hey!
What are you doing?
I'm having dinner with my gay dads, you?
You can't just walk in there. It's not your house anymore.
I lost both of my virginities in this house. It's my house.
- Hi! Hi. - Hi!
Welcome.
- Hi! - Hello.
Welcome?
We're so glad you came.
- Hi. - Hi.
Excuse me.
I brought you chocolate.
That's from both of us.
How nice! Thank you!
There's vodka inside, have you guys had those?
No.
You wouldn't think chocolate and vodka go well together,
but it's like mac and cheese, it just... it just works.
Well, you both look great.
Oh, no, I look like shit. But thank you.
Would you like something to drink?
- Bourbon. - Scotch, please.
- No... we're not serving alcohol tonight. - Are you kidding?
Knock, knock!
- Hey. - Hey, guys!
Hello!
Hey, Bud. Welcome.
- Yeah. - Hi, Dad. Hi...
- Coyote. Welcome. - Thank you.
- Hi, Bree. - What's up, Broseph?
- That's what I'm gonna call you now. - No, you are not.
- Mm-hmm. - Mal.
Broseph.
Who would like some sparkling apple cider?
Oh, geez, that's... that's because of me.
It's fine. Please, everyone drink, enjoy.
See? Straight from the alcoholic's mouth.
- He says it's fine. - Thanks, Coyote, but it's okay.
Everybody's needs have been considered tonight.
Mal, the bread crumbs are gluten-free. You're special, too.
Mal.
Come here.
No.
- Mal... - I am not engaging with you.
- You're not engaging? - No.
Okay, I have no idea what I did that night.
- Are you kidding me? - No!
I was on a cocktail of tequila, cocaine and non-stick cooking spray.
- You guys, there's cheese. - Just a second!
Well, let me refresh your memory.
After mowing down my mailbox, you proceeded to get out of your car
and start shouting at the top of your lungs,
"Mal, don't marry Mitch!
It doesn't have to be me, just don't marry Mitch!"
Which manages to not only scare my children,
but really piss off my husband, who, by the way,
I had already been married to for seven years.
- Fuck. - Yeah.
I had no idea.
That's really, really bad.
Let's go, everybody! Phones in the box.
Phones.
God, I thought you only did this at your house.
This is his house.
I need a drink or I need my phone.
You have got to give me something.
- We hid a bottle of Chianti... - Behind the toaster.
Good enough.
Let's eat!
Did you steal my scissors?
- Yes. - Well, can I have 'em back?
Will you stop trimming the rugs?
Yes.
That's not bad.
What is it, an otter?
It's my fucking day.
Did you get your job back?
No, no. I decided it's... it's not me anymore.
How did you get the almond to actually stick to the chicken?
Interesting. Egg whites!
Hmm.
There are eggs in this?
You have a problem with the eggs but not the chicken?
- That's classic. - Just egg whites, no yolk.
And then you just grind up the almonds with a little paprika.
He's like a magician in the kitchen.
- Do you think it's dry? - A little.
I think it's perfect, babe.
- What are you looking for? - Nothing.
If you're looking for those cigarettes, I threw them out.
Shit. I'd give my good knee for a cigarette.
Me, too. I haven't had a cigarette since smoking was good for you.
Shall we?
Mallory, would you engage me in the salt, please?
Excuse me.
Mallory.
I cannot deal with all of this right now.
I can't deal with that, and I can't deal with you.
And my mother has taken every single Valium out of this house.
I know.
I want drugs, too.
But we have to figure a way to deal with all of this without that,
and without storming out of the room.
No, no, no, no, no. I cannot be taking advice about all this from you right now.
That-that-that can't be right.
I'm-I'm afraid it is. We're step-people now.
No.
I'm sorry, but we're blended. We have to be civil.
No, I don't. I just came here to pee.
I didn't come here to work anything out with you.
So just... just let me go so that I can pee. Please.
I think it's going okay.
Uh... you need help?
- With what? - With dessert.
- Isn't that what you came in here to do? - Oh, no. I am not doing that.
I came in here so I don't have to be out there.
By the way, why would you bring dessert in like seven different containers?
Go to the grocery store like a normal person.
- Buy an Entenmann's. - What's your problem?
Nothing. It's just...
Why are we talking about the almond meal chicken in there?
"Oh, that's how you get the almond to stick to the chicken?"
"Yeah, but you have to use egg whites." "Oh, well, egg whites makes it okay
that our mothers are home alone and heartbroken."
Everyone is just trying their best, Bree.
Is that why you gave that elaborate toast?
- It was the Kiddush. - Oh.
What did you think was going to happen tonight?
I don't know, but don't you think it's weird
that no one is talking about this?
It's like we have flashed forward five years into the future
and everybody's cool with Dad and Sol.
- I am cool with it. - Oh, really? You're cool with it?
Would you be cool with it if they'd been cheating with women for the last 20 years?
- I don't know. - Please. There wouldn't be cake.
There'd be blood or bullets. Something.
For sure, we wouldn't be talking about the chicken.
Do you think you're the only one that's having a hard time?
Up until a week ago I was under the impression my parents loved each other.
Now I'm losing my family.
I'm losing Jewish Christmas Eve, and picketing Walmart, and camping.
Forgot you guys all liked each other.
Well, we had to. We slept in a four person sleeping bag.
- Really? - No.
I'll carry the cake. Will you carry the coffee?
- No. - Thanks.
Hey! Sir? Sir! We're still waiting.
Cigarettes!
Oh, excuse me... Hey, excuse me, excuse me!
Damn it to hell. Oh, excuse me.
I don't work here.
But how do I get you fired?
This is Mom's favorite.
You remember Mom, right?
I remember my mom. She used to live here.
- Enough, Brianna. - No, it's okay.
Clearly, they need to express something.
Are your mothers upset that you came over?
My mother doesn't know I'm here.
I told her I had a thing and I couldn't talk.
- I'm at an AA meeting. - I'm racked with guilt.
Why wouldn't you tell them you were coming here?
- Are you really asking that? - Yes! I am.
They're going to find out you came here and they're going to think
we told you not to tell them, and they'll assume you're taking our side.
I'm sorry, is there some kind of manual that we didn't get that tells us
how to act in this situation?
Because you two seem to be the only ones who know the rules.
We just think you should have been honest.
I'm sorry, are you trying to be ironic?
No. I'm trying to be your father!
You don't have to point out to me that I hurt your mother!
I know she's been hurt. Lying only makes it worse.
- They've been through enough. - Because of you!
I lied to my mother for the first time in my adult life because of you
- and I'm not even allowed to be mad. - Why not?
'Cause you're gay!
If you had been fucking around with women for the last 20 years,
we wouldn't even be here eating cake!
Say it in there, and it comes out here.
So we are not eating cake.
Brianna, would you pass the cream, please?
Thank you, Mallory.
You're welcome, Coyote.
Okay, stand back, I'm about to lose my shit.
Sir, can we get some cigarettes over here, for crying out loud?
Oh, God, thank you!
- Sir! Hi! - Hi! How are you?
I'm good...
- Excuse me! - It's a beautiful night.
It is. Can I help you?
Excuse me, are you in a coma?
This is a place of business, right?
- Do you have lottery tickets? - Sure do. How many?
- Just two, please. - You! You! Sir!
- You! - Just a second.
- Just two of the scratch-offs? - Yeah, scratch-offs.
Hello!
Hello! Hello!
What kind of animal treats people like this?
Do you not see me? Do I not exist?
You think it's all right to ignore us?
- Just because she's got grey hair? - What?
And I don't look like her?
This poor woman needs a pack of cigarettes
and she doesn't have a lot of time left!
- Get us a pack of cigarettes! - Come on, let's get out of here, Grace.
Come on. Let's go!
- No! - For God's sake! This way.
Okay. That lacked poise and I'm sorry.
But I refuse to be irrelevant.
It's okay. I learned something. We've got a superpower.
You stole those?
You can't see me, you can't stop me.
Mmm.
Peel out, baby!
Wanna hit Citibank?
I knew we forgot something.
We forgot it was too soon.
I didn't hit a skunk. It was a black and white bucket.
Then what was that smell?
What the heck is this?
I can't read it.
You can eat it. It's a cake. It won't kill you.