You're chipper. Before coffee.
I'm teaching today.
And I'd really appreciate it if you would try for once
to be polite to my students.
I am polite to your convicts.
They, however, have no respect for my home.
I saw one peeing out of your studio window into the pool.
That's why God invented chlorine.
- Look at your healthy breakfast. - I know.
Yum! Double yum!
- You want some? - No thank you.
Wait, what is there... Is there something...
Is your cap loose? Open your mouth.
Up here on this side.
Oh! God!
Now you can't eat until Monday.
- It's "lovestolaugh". - Oh! From the alta cocker site?
I "tickled" him last night. And he "squeezed" me back.
Enough with this tickling, blinking, and butterfly kisses.
Why don't you go out with somebody already!
Oh, God, he wants me to have lunch today. I can't do that.
Oh, why not?
He's a perfect match. Except for the "loves to laugh" part.
It's too fast. I don't know him.
If you met him, you might know him. That's how it works sometimes.
Okay, but not today. I woke up puffy, and my hair's not behaving.
What is the point of doing all this if you never go out with anybody?
Well, maybe that is the point.
I enjoy the positive feedback of a tickle and I never have to leave the house.
Or... and this is just me thinking out loud...
you go out... and you get laid.
God, why are you rushing me into this?
Who's rushing you? You've been on that thing for a month now,
punching and fingering people and you always find a reason not to go.
I am not punching, or fingering, anyone.
But you do have a point.
Okay. Oh, God.
My first date. In 40 years. But it's just lunch, right?
Yes. And lunch is no big deal.
Here...
Here, you might need these.
- I'm going to a bistro, not having sex! - Why not?
You'd be too bloated from the one piece of kale you might eat?
Why do I need condoms anyway? I'm not exactly a pregnancy risk.
Well, no shit.
But with all the new penis drugs out there,
old people are doing it like rabbits and the STDs are on the rise.
I read that in an AARP magazine.
How old are these?
Maybe I should check to see if they've turned to dust.
I only have three and a half hours to get ready.
- Where are my pills? - They're in the bathroom.
- What? Why? - Because that's where pills belong.
- But I like them in the kitchen. - Well, that's insane.
It's not insane if you take your pills after breakfast.
Okay, Sol. Here is what you do.
You go, "Mmm, now that was a breakfast."
Then you walk to the bathroom and take your pills there.
And I'm the crazy one?
The extra walking alone will take years off my life.
Do you understand the concept of exercise?
The label says take with food.
Not take after a 5K.
- You're laughing at me? - No, no. No, no, sorry.
Look at us. We're bickering.
Right.
Let's stay home tonight. Just the two of us.
- We'll watch the Almodovar film. - Si, and eat paella.
I love paella. You can make paella?
No, but I can make the restaurant make it,
- and have them bring it over. - You're so powerful.
? Clean up the kitchen Gonna shine up the pots?
? You're gonna make a supper When the dishes are dry?
Drop, cover, hold on!
- Are you okay? - Earthquake!
- It was barely a rumble. - Were you in Sylmar in 1971?
Because I was! I saw a little boy crushed by a tree.
- You did? - Well, it was a lawn jockey,
but it looked like a little boy. It was very traumatizing.
I barely felt this one.
Shallow quakes produce more aftershocks.
Or worse, it was a foreshock before the mainshock.
- Get away from the wall! - Will you be reasonable?
Mother Nature has no reason!
Get under here. Get under here!
I am not going to get under the table. Frankie?
Take a look. What do you think? Am I trying too hard?
- Trying...? - To look young.
I can't watch you die! Please don't make me watch you die!
- You're right, the scarf's too much. - What you have to do,
find a heavy object to make a sloping roof.
Triangle! Grace, triangle!
Frankie, will you come out from there.
That "triangle of life" thing isn't even true.
Don't tell me that! It's all I have to believe in!
- You all right? - I'm fine. It was just a rumbler.
- You sure? - Of course I'm sure.
- Good. I have to go. - Wh-what do you mean?
- Where are you going? - I have to go check on Frankie.
- Why don't you just call her? - She has this... Seismophobia.
It's extreme. Don't ever try to take her to Sylmar.
But I thought we'd have the day together.
I'll come right back.
Seriously, she freaks out. It's her first quake alone.
And the only one there to give her comfort is Grace.
Go.
Drive safe.
- Xanax? - No.
- Uh, Ativan? - No.
- Klonopin? Ambien? - No, no. I have to stay alert.
Vodka! Vodka is good.
Vodka and Klonopin?
- No. - Even better.
Was it more than twenty seconds? More means tsunami risk.
Go check the ocean. Oh, no! Don't go near it!
Frankie, enough. The San Andreas Fault's 100 miles from here.
It's 50! And the Rose Canyon Fault is right under us!
I'll get it.
Don't answer it! Leave the phone lines open for emergency purposes!
It's Bud. He's calling to check on you.
- I should tell him to come over. - No!
The-the overpass could be crumbling!
Okay, now I am late for "lovestolaugh", who you said I had to meet.
If you want me to have a date and a laugh,
which I could really use right now,
then would you please come out from there?
Oh, God. Did you... did you turn off the gas?
- What would I do that for? - There could be fires.
Oh, sweating.
Look, I'm not a coddler, okay?
I mean, if I were, then I would, but I'm not, so I can't.
So you have to get the hell off the floor!
Here. Here.
Massage my chest. It's a thing.
- It's not a thing I would do. - I can't breathe.
- Frankie? - Oh! Sol!
I never thought I'd be so happy to see you again.
It was a 4.3 lasting 6.8 seconds.
No casualties, outages, or serious damage.
Oh.
- Are you belly breathing? - No.
In-two-three-four.
Out-two-three-four.
Think of your happy place.
I can't. This is it. And it's going to fall through the earth at any moment.
- Out-of-state happy place. - Okay.
Yeah.
Good. Good.
Do we need to get a restraining order?
No. No, I didn't even think that you...
I did call, but you didn't answer...
It's probably because you saw it was me calling.
What are you doing here?
- I brought you a gay penguin book. - What?
It's for the kids.
You said that they were having trouble understanding.
And I thought that this might help explain how...
How two penguins can have a secret homosexual affair for twenty years?
No, we're gonna write that book.
This is a more generalized...
You know, it's gay penguin... information.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
What's going on over there?
We're taking Maddie off the pacifiers,
so we planted them, and now lollipops will grow.
Oh, I don't think you understand how gardening works.
I don't think you understand how children work.
Why doesn't your bike have a seat on it?
Oh, I traded it for the gay penguin book.
Right.
Are the kids home?
Coyote, I do not think that's a good idea.
Right. No, I was...
I was just wondering if one of them had a bike seat that I could borrow, but...
Okay. Let me see what I can do.
Can you just stay out of trouble for five minutes?
Let's find out.
That's amazing! Look at that. So cool!
Waaah!
Your first Internet date?
I'm honored. It's... Pinch me.
So... Have you done it much?
Th... This?
Oh. Well, some.
- Just watch out for the liars. - Oh?
Well, it's one thing to shave off a few years.
It's another thing to say you play tennis every day but you're really...
in a wheelchair and on oxygen.
So, what do you like to do?
Play tennis every day.
That's funny!
- No, actually, I love tennis. - Me, too. Any golf?
- I love golf. - Me, too.
- And the symphony. - I have a box!
- Really? - Yes, but between us,
I'm not that big on modern music.
It always sounds like something falling down the stairs to me.
I stop at Stravinsky.
I yield at Stravinsky. I stop at Shostakovich.
I'd like a steak salad. Very rare. No croutons.
That is a drop dead gorgeous order. I'll have the same.
- And to drink, I'd like an iced tea. - Damn, you are good.
Bring me one of those.
On second thought, I'll have a dry vodka martini with a twist.
Ditto that. Ditto dry, ditto vodka, ditto martini, and ditto twist.
We got it.
One more.
- You ready? - Think so.
Watch your head.
You okay?
Keep breathing.
See? Everything is just as it was.
Well, not exactly.
Right. The house is just as it was.
That. Is that a crack in the ceiling?
Coyote's graduation party. No idea how he got up there.
Is that yours?
Yes.
It's different for you. It's transcendent.
I have goose bumps.
Maybe you need a sweater.
I think you're feeling better.
- I think so. - Well, I should...
- Go. - Yes.
- You hungry? - Starving.
Maybe a bite?
Yeah!
There it is!
Hey, buddy!
What the fuck are you doing here?
Oh, shit. Mitch, I'm just outside.
What are you doing at my house? If you go near my wife again,
I am gonna kick you in the balls so hard that they go into your throat.
Okay, it's really good that you're a lady doctor,
because, you know, that's-that's not how it works.
Oh, well, let me make it medically accurate for you.
I am going to jam your windpipe full of your own testicles.
Okay, that doesn't sound fun for me.
Okay, this is for you. Go.
- Is that my bike seat? - Go.
- Thank you, Mallory. - You. Shush.
I'll mail it back to you when I get a real one.
It was nice chatting with you, Mitch.
I thought we agreed that loser was out of our lives.
He needs to know that he can't just come here.
So you want me to tell my future stepbrother
that he can't come over to our house?
Plenty of people don't let their stepbrothers in their houses.
He didn't come in.
I'm never getting that bike seat back, am I?
- Probably not. - Swell.
You ever wonder how they age steak so it doesn't rot?
Look, if I'm too much, just say, "Charlie, it's too much."
Charles, it's a bit much.
See, that's what I love about you! You just let me have it!
I mean, look at her! Can you believe I met her online?
Charles, please, can you keep your voice down?
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm a little deaf in one ear.
It kind of throws off my volume control.
It's just... I'm just so excited to be with you!
What? Do-do I have something on...
You've got a great mouth, kid.
What?
I wish I was that steak that you are eating.
Watching you eat that steak, it's like watching Bernstein conduct
- the overture to "Candide." - Miss?
Would you please throw this away and bring the check.
It feels good to just look at you.
Don't do that, I'm not ready for that.
No! Cement truck.
Okay, okay.
Belly breathe.
- I... I hate this. - What?
This. We're acting normal and nothing's normal.
I am really sorry. No, I'm beyond sorry.
Of all the human beings in the world...
- I have a question. - Okay.
It's something I can't stop thinking about,
which is, believe me, really not fun.
How did it start with Robert?
Oh. Um...
Are you sure you want to know?
Well, I'll be dead as soon as the aftershock hits anyway, so, yes.
Is that... a word or is that just your acid reflux?
It's just I didn't expect to be doing this today.
Me neither.
We were at a law conference in New York.
- Yeah. - Robert and I...
We'd had a good day.
Did you know the Brooklyn Bridge has a secret room?
- It's full of crackers from 1957. - I'm glad to know that.
Now get back to the fucking around part.
Well, we went to the hotel bar.
Had a few drinks. Maybe more than a few...
Got in the elevator. Doors closed.
And...
- he gave me this look. - What kind of look?
It scared me. I'd never seen it on him before.
It was like, that's Robert, my business partner,
but that's not Robert, my business partner. It was this man.
And all I had was this... feeling.
This... need.
And it happened.
- We kissed. - Was it a big kiss?
'Til the doors bing'd.
- What floor were you on? - Twenty-six.
- That's a big kiss. - I don't know how to describe it.
My whole body... came alive.
My blood... rocket fuel.
It was just... different.
Different, because it was a man? Or because it was Robert?
- Probably both. - And that was it?
You were in love?
No. We went to our rooms and we didn't even talk about it.
Well, how could you not talk about it?
We couldn't. We didn't know how.
And then four months later it happened again.
And this type of thing never happened... with anyone? Before?
No. Never. It's not like I chose this.
I tried not to choose it. We both kept praying it would go away.
We broke it off, repeatedly.
In all that time, why didn't you tell me?
I couldn't.
It had gone from sex to love. If I'd told you...
You would've ended our marriage.
Um...
I still loved you. And our family.
And Robert.
It was torture.
I'm sorry I asked.
Yeah.
Kind of.
Who are you? What are you doing?
I'm going to call the police!
I didn't mean to scare you. I'm here for Frankie's art class.
- I'm definitely calling the police. - She wasn't in the studio,
I came by to see if she was okay after the quake.
Saw some ham. Thought I'd make a sandwich.
- The door was open? - It opened.
Well, I'm just going to call her.
Having a good day?
They're not mine. Frankie put them in.
I had a date. It was just a little lunch.
That's all I'm doing. Just a little lunch.
Okay.
Frankie told us about your husbands.
I know a lot of men that have done stupid shit.
But nothing as stupid as leaving you.
Uh...
What did you go to prison for?
Invited myself into someone's house one night.
Stole his ham.
And his car.
Oh.
Can I just say, you are smoking hot?
You can say whatever you like...
Okay. Please tell me that if he wasn't fucking you,
somebody else was.
Oh...
- Are you okay? - I'm fine.
- It was just an aftershock. - I know.
Are you breathing?
Yes, I'm fucking breathing.
When we die, I'll be breathing.
I never thought we'd do this again.
Dessert menu?
We'll have the carrot cake and two forks, please.
Thank you.
I did jimmy the door.
Oh, oh.
Oh, gosh...
Whoa.
One, two, three, four...
One, two, three four...
One, two, three, four... One, two, three, four...
- Smells good... - Hey, Sol!
- Al. Eddie. - Hi.
I didn't know we were having a party.
I didn't know you'd be three hours late.
I didn't know you'd start without me.
- Oh, we have to go. - Stay, fellas.
- Great meal! - But there's flan.
- Oh, not a flan fan. - Don't leave on my account.
We're leaving on both our accounts. Bye!
If you're upset, you have to tell me.
I'm not upset.
You wanted to be with Frankie, I wanted to eat paella.
So I invited Al and Eddie. There, I told you.
Okay. Okay, anger.
Good.
I appreciate the feeling and I encourage its expression.
Please don't talk to me the way you talk to her.
This is how I talk.
Why did we blow up our lives
if you're gonna go running off to your wife at the drop of a hat?
- There was an earthquake! - Exactly!
But I texted I was running late, and you said "fine."
No! No, no, no, Sol.
When you texted "how are you," that's when I wrote "fine."
When you texted "running late," I didn't write anything at all.
How very mature.
That her?
This is my home. And you are my life.
I'm sorry about the text mix-up. I should have called.
I'm sorry, too. I should have been more clear.
- You must be starving. - I could eat.
So, how did your date go?
- Unexpectedly. - See?
It was a good day, except for almost dying.
- One of your students stopped by. - Oh, I forgot to cancel.
It must have been Byron.
- I didn't catch his name. - Very talented.
So, where were you all afternoon?
- Under a table. - Oh, well, good for you.
Choke that chicken!