- Holy mother of Jesus in a tank! - Oh, man.
God. Sorry. I'm sorry.
Oh, don't do that!
Put some taps on your feet so I can hear you coming.
Well, you saw me last night. I'm kinda surprised you're surprised.
It's still shocking to find you standing here in the cold light of day.
Every day.
Every... single... day.
I'm here a lot, huh?
Sure, have a deviled egg. Somebody in my class can do without.
I'm sorry. I tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna stop by Maudie's and get you a dozen mini quiches,
- 'cause I know you're a vegetarian. - Thank you. I appreciate that.
Oh, no! Where's my cantaloupe I cut up for my class last night?
Don't look at me.
Oh, wait. You might wanna look at me.
Might be my Ambien eating.
Isn't it supposed to be Ambien sleeping?
No, it's great, I sleep... I also Ambien eat.
I also order shoes online.
I got these on Ambien. Four times.
- I'll pick you up at seven for sushi. - See you then.
And I'll get you those mini quiches and a cantaloupe.
I'm gonna have to put a lock on the refrigerator door.
Why? He's only here at night. And in the morning.
Sometimes in the afternoon.
Yeah, his grazing hours. He's like a water buffalo.
I just never know when he's gonna pop up somewhere.
And sometimes I like to walk around without a bra.
Or shirt. Or pants.
Don't you think you're going too fast with this guy, Guy?
Are you ever gonna get tired of that joke?
No, no.
You know, at my age, I only have one speed. Break-neck.
Of course, I don't call it that. Because it is a very real fear.
But you're going away with him. You just signed the divorce papers.
Before jumping in with both feet,
don't you wanna find out if this is just a rebound with this guy, Guy?
- I am getting tired of it. - You know, maybe it started off
as a rebound thing, but... what's wrong with him?
No, I mean, tell me, what's wrong with him?
Well, we know he Ambien eats, what else are we gonna find out?
He ate his friend. I mean, we do know a fair bit about the darker side of Guy.
- How much worse can it get? - Touché.
And you know what else? It doesn't matter. I am so lucky to have somebody.
Do you know what most women our age are dealing with
besides sagging breasts and chin hairs?
Men who date younger women because they don't have sagging breasts and chin hairs.
- Are you trying to tell me something? - Yes.
That I have somebody that doesn't care about that stuff.
He appreciates my maturity and my wisdom.
Well, fine. Do what you want.
But your boyfriend owes me $900 in cheese.
I feel dirty.
Look, Jeff and Peter are letting us taste their appetizers.
That's all. No one's making any commitments.
But we should tell Diane that we're tasting
other people's appetizers for our wedding.
Caterers talk.
We're just tasting! It's all above board.
But be honest. It's a slippery slope.
If we like what we taste, we'll make promises.
And then we'll sneak around behind Diane's back
until we find the courage to tell her it's over.
It'll be the last 20 years all over again! With crab cakes!
Sol, I'm answering the door.
And if we love Jeff and Peter's appetizers more than Diane's,
- then I will call her myself. - Yes, you will.
- But do you think she'll still like us? - No, but we have enough friends.
I have fond memories of this doorway.
Ohh.
Oh. Well, just so you know, I, uh...
I... I... I met a man actually.
He's-he's a boyfriend. My boyfriend.
You know, we had that talk, and-and... you know, it's very...
we're-we're-we're committed.
I'm happy for you. I just came down to say goodbye.
- Oh, you're... - Leaving.
I'll be keeping a low profile. Very low. Won't be reachable.
- Where you going? - A bit south.
Of San Diego? That's... Mexico.
I'm happy that a man appreciates you. You should be savored.
Whoa.
- Christ in a cab! - Oh, God! You didn't see anything.
Oh, really? It's my hearing that sucks. My vision is just fine.
- Don't look at me! - That is my student, Grace!
- It was nothing. - It's completely inappropriate,
practically sexual harassment.
What are you talking about? He's a grown man.
Are there others? Did you go after Tito? How about Homer?
It's my job to protect them!
It was just a little... goodbye kiss.
Goodbye? When was hello?
It was the day of the earthquake.
- What is happening in this house? - I don't know.
Your boyfriend, who you're practically marrying, just left here.
First of all, nobody's getting married,
and second of all, I didn't kiss Byron, he kissed me.
- What about the first time? - That one I might have participated in.
- Why didn't you tell me? - Honestly?
It never occurred to me.
I mean, I didn't think we were friends that told each other things like that.
Oh, you didn't.
Well, no, not at the time.
Why, did you?
Not really.
What about now? Are we friends like that yet?
- Are we? - I don't know.
But I'll... I'll make some tea and you're gonna tell me everything.
I haven't told a living soul about this.
I'm so honored. Okay, spill it, sister.
I came home, God knows where you were, and there was a man in the kitchen.
- Byron. - Yeah, he was sitting right there
- eating a ham sandwich. - Oh, he loves ham.
I have to admit, he is a looker.
I would not want to sexualize a student, but you're welcome to, go ahead.
His eyes are really intoxicating.
- Newman-esque, am I right? - A young Robert Shaw.
- Oh, yes! That's it. - Yeah?
"The trouble with the shark is he's got lifeless eyes.
Black eyes like a doll's eyes."
"You got city hands, Mr. Hooper."
Not so much. Just tell me the story.
It was daytime, and I had picked up the mail...
Hi, what are you doing?
Oh, my God, Frankie, it's crazy here. There's food everywhere.
Jeff carved strawberries that look just like roses. Uncanny.
Okay, but you're not the only one that's got stuff going on.
There's stuff happening here, too. Big stuff.
What stuff?
I'm just saying that major stuff is happening.
Like what?
If you'd seen it your eyes would have caught on fire.
Grace kissed a convict.
- What do you mean? - What do I mean?
Grace's face was smooshed up against Byron's face.
- Their lips were attached. - The murderer?
No, no, grand theft auto.
You know, with the eyes.
Oh. Yeah. Well, I can understand that.
- I know, right? - Isn't Grace still dating Guy?
Yes, that's what makes it even crazier.
Guy left to get me some of those little quiches,
next thing I know, Grace is kissing Byron.
Grace! Our Grace!
Yes, and apparently it was not the first time.
I mean, she's insatiable!
It's the best little whorehouse in Texas over here.
That's totally insane.
Frankie, I have to go. We're plating the food.
Okay. Fine.
I plate things, too.
Increíble!
Grace kissed one of Frankie's convicts today.
- My Grace? - That's what I said.
- And apparently it wasn't the first time. - How the hell did that happen?
- Well, you should see the convict. - Really?
He's the siren. And she's not single.
Good for her. She deserves some fun.
Wait a minute. She's dating your friend Guy.
- They're not married. - But they're together.
And she's just kissing anyone who wanders into the house?
But we don't know the circumstances, do we, so who are we to judge?
Is that what you think? You think there's a gray area?
We never kissed anyone but each other.
Did we?
Do what must be done, just get them.
Exclamation point.
- Hey, Bri. - Hey, Bri.
No. No. No.
Guys, please go away. Really?
- You with anyone? - No.
- Wanna sit with us? - No.
- Why not? - Because I'm with someone!
- Ooh, what's this guy's problem? - Please, please go away.
Wait, wait, wait. The last one was Racist Dave.
- I loved Racist Dave. - Feeling was mutual.
And before him was Ambiguous Andrew, and Micropenis Paul.
- Yeah, it's a war out here. - So, what's this guy's deal?
- Does he smell like a cat? - Does he have a cat?
- Is he a cat? - Yes, he's a cat,
and his name is go to a different fucking movie.
It's not gonna fucking happen.
Well, I won.
Minor casualties.
- Mmm. - Do we know them?
I'm afraid that we do.
Do you do magic?
- And you are... - Coyote.
Nwabudike. Can you spell that? Do you wanna try?
I've known them my whole life.
It's their father who's marrying my father.
Did I not tell you about that?
It's totally fine, I'm not damaged... by that.
The mussel fritters caused a riot at our last event.
- Not a riot, Jeff. - A stampede.
Fair enough.
There's a riot going on in my mouth right now.
That's the aioli. Hot pepper and lime.
You kissed someone, is that what you're telling me?
Sol, you must try one of the potato nests.
- Let's get more wine. - Why? There's plenty here.
Do you want to have an uncomfortable conversation right here?
We need more wine. Please excuse us.
Have you ever been married?
- No. - Why not?
- Well... - You're tall.
Do you have a thyroid problem? Family history of pituitary issues?
- Nope. - You think you're better than me?
It's "than I?" Maybe a little.
I am taller than you. And I have better grammar.
- Where you from? - Des Moines?
Okay, I have no opinions on Des Moines.
- Parents divorced? - Not currently.
Where do you work?
He actually works for me.
- There it is! - That's the problem!
Look, I know, before you say anything else,
I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and say...
I'm really crazy about her.
Do either of you guys have a problem with that?
I don't have a problem with that.
Well. Well, well.
Tall-Pants McGrammar-Glasses put us in our place, didn't he?
Yeah. Just gonna go back to my real seat.
Pleasure meeting you, Inevitable Lawsuit Barry.
You, too.
- You kissed somebody? - It doesn't matter.
Was it more than a kiss?
Oh, God, it was more than a kiss!
It was twelve years ago, and we were broken up!
You still should have told me!
- Sol, please, let it go. - That's not how it works.
It would be over by now if you told me then,
but you didn't, so letting it go might take a while.
So, when should I have told you? When it happened and we weren't speaking?
Or when we got back together and things were good again?
I don't know!
Okay, okay, fine, you're right. You're absolutely right.
I should have told you at the appropriate time,
in the appropriate way, but this isn't it!
Can we just please get through this evening, Sol?
The guys made all that food just for us.
Well, I can't eat now.
Sol...
Oy. Hello?
Do you have the hard shell Tumi over there?
- The what? - My suitcase.
I don't know, Grace, I'll have to look.
Okay...? What's going on, Robert?
- Nothing. - What's wrong?
I know that voice. What happened?
Oh, for Christ's sake, Grace,
there's a shitstorm over here, all because you kissed a convict.
What? Who told you that?
Sol did, after Frankie told him. And now I'm paying for it.
I gotta go, kid. He's beside himself!
- Uh-oh. - You told Sol I kissed Byron!
- I didn't know it was a secret. - Of course you did!
I have poor impulse control. It's always been a problem.
- Oh, please. - It's true.
I was once a shoo-in to win
the giant produce contest at the fair in Del Mar.
But I caved and ate the zucchini in the car on the way over.
It's a condition, like irritable bowel syndrome.
I don't wanna hear about your problems!
- I'm a private person, you know that. - Yes.
- You deliberately violated me. - I'm sorry, I really am.
I specifically said that I had not told a living soul.
You begged me to tell you.
And for half a minute I thought you were my friend.
I am your friend, I'm your friend with a big mouth.
Well, I don't want a friend with a big mouth.
I want a friend I can trust. Counts you out.
Oh, please, don't count me out.
I only told Sol, and it's not like telling a real person.
He's like my sister.
Oh, he is the worst person you could tell! He told Robert.
But isn't it a little bit exciting that Robert knows?
They think they're having all the fun over there.
They need to know that some stuff happens here, too.
No, they don't!
Oh, come on, you were dying to tell me.
By the way, did you know that secrets are bad for you?
They can give you fibroids. Or is that grief-eating?
- Either way, they are extremely toxic. - Being your friend is toxic!
Okay, you're right. I screwed up.
You deserve to be angry.
But the only person I told was Sol!
You don't speak to anyone else!
It's not like I blabbed to Guy and told him that you were over there
kissing ex-convicts at 4:00 in the afternoon.
You did what?
Hi, Guy!
What did you do this afternoon?
I told you there was too much coming and going.
You should've made him wear a bell.
These crab cakes should be illegal!
- Crab clusters! - Just tell me who it was.
Was it someone I know?
I don't know everyone you know.
That's not answering my question!
Tiger prawn twisters, y'all. Comin' up in t-minus one minute.
I don't know which is worse, that you did it,
or that you didn't tell me!
- I really wish I hadn't done either. - Correction, 30 seconds!
We know five gay people in the world and two of them are in the kitchen.
My God in heaven, not Peter.
- You slept with Peter! - Worse. Jeff.
- Jeff! - Yes?
So, you're telling me that you kissed a convict at 4?
I left at 3:50.
It could have been ten after.
- Well, what the hell happened? - I didn't kiss him, he kissed me.
So now you're telling me that a convict forced himself on you?
Yes. Well, no, I wouldn't say forced, but forceful.
Let me handle this.
I teach art to society's outcasts. It's meaningful work.
- I derive much joy from it. - Oh, Frankie.
Sometimes these outcasts society's forgotten end up in the kitchen,
and this one just happened to kiss Grace. It's no biggie.
Everybody should go about their business.
- Yeah. - Are those my teeny quiches?
It didn't mean anything, Guy.
It's not something that's ever gonna happen again.
All right. Well, I gotta tell you, I just don't feel like sushi right now.
Are you happy now?
- No, I'm not happy. Don't say that. - It's what you wanted, isn't it?
No, it isn't what I wanted.
He'll be back.
I mean it, Jeff.
Take your fritters and go.
Actually, leave the fritters, and the crab cake clusters, please.
It was one night, Sol. And if it's any consolation, we were not compatible.
It's not any consolation at all.
- My God, what's the point of being gay? - I didn't know there was a point.
Come on, if you can't shed the conventions of a hetero life, where's the fun?
I'm not gay in order to shed conventions, I'm gay because I love this man!
This one, the one you didn't much enjoy sleeping with!
- You can still love Robert. - I still love Jeff.
Is that how you feel?
I feel it's time for Jeff and Peter to go. I'm sorry, fellas.
But obviously Sol and I have some serious talking to do.
- What about my wok? - We'll get it later.
That was maybe the most violent movie I've ever seen.
I know. Next time we should save the $30 and just smack each other in the face.
Aw, so that means there's a next time?
Hey, I'm sorry for my... Bud and Coyote.
Oh, no, no. It's cool. You're really lucky.
Am I?
Yeah. Those guys are like brothers. They were looking out for you.
Yeah, I guess they can be sort of sweet.
- Asswipes! - Some Milk Duds...
- Oh, shit, she's taking the heels off! - For my milk buds!
Go, go, go!
I'll just...
I'll just be here.
- Hi. - How are you doing? I'm so sorry.
No, I'm sorry. I walked out. I just needed some time to think.
That's understandable.
It's not your fault. I mean, the guy kissed you.
I'm sorry it happened. It will never happen again.
He's on the lam now. But that's neither here nor there.
You know, so I had to wander around out there
and... try to figure out why this is bothering me so much.
- It didn't mean anything. - Well, no, it meant something to me.
And I came to realize that... I don't want anyone else kissing you.
Oh, my goodness. So sincere.
I've never been jealous. I've never been possessive.
And anytime anyone felt that way about me, I was usually on the first plane,
got the hell out of there. That's not what I'm feeling here.
Grace, you're... You're the first thing that I think about
when I wake up in the morning.
And you're the last thing I think about when I go to sleep at night.
It makes sense.
You just have to roll over on your right side lately and there I am.
I'm trying to tell you something here.
I'm falling in love with you.
You know what they say about drinking alone?
That there's twice as much to drink.
It's valerian.
Need something stronger?
Just trying to quiet the head.
Me, too.
If I could undo it, believe me, I would.
You and Jeff? Well, that's good to know.
But that's not what's bothering me.
Not what's bothering me the most, at any rate.
I'm here, talk to me. And try the noodles.
All those things everyone said.
"What's the point of being gay if you're gonna live a conventional life?"
I'm not the one that said 'em.
And Jeff and Peter certainly don't speak for me.
But have you honestly thought about this?
Did we really spend all those years and fight our way out of one box
just to climb into another?
There are a lot of ways to be a couple.
We just have to find the best way for us.
You don't think we're doing this wrong?
No, I don't think so.
So...
you're fine never sleeping with anyone again,
- or Jeff? - Oh, God, yes.
But you're not just doing this for me?
I waited 20 years for you.
I'd wait another 20 if I had to.
There is no one else for me.
You were the prize. I won.
Oh, my God, why is this so good?
It's criminal, right?
We're going to hire those idiots, aren't we?
I'll call Diane.
I know you're on a vocal fast from me, and I wholeheartedly accept that,
but I want to apologize sincerely for telling Sol about you and Byron.
Friends do not betray confidences.
I know. It was not cool of me.
But I'm happy Guy came back, and I want to make it up to you.
You're moving out?
I owe you one of my most embarrassing secrets.
And you can tell whomever.
What the hell is that?
It's a sex tape from the '80s. Of me and Sol.
Do whatever you want with it. Call Robert. Tell the kids.
- Put it on the 6:00 news if you like. - Can I burn it?
Please do. Watching yourself have sex...
is so much better in your mind than it is on film.
I appreciate the gesture.
I cannot believe I'm asking this and I dread the answer,
but what on Earth possessed you to make that?
It was a crazy night.
We'd just returned from Plato's retreat. We still had our gladiator costumes on.
- Oh, you're kidding. - I wish I were.
The sword belt and the sandals and everything?
And the shields. We had to put those down at one point.
But what can I say? The spirit moved us.
- It was a say yes night. - What's that?
That's a night where you go out and you say yes to everything.
Except one thing, which I won't do.
- Where can we get a VCR? - Oh, I'm not watching it again.
Oh, yes you are. It's no fun if you're not watching it with me.
How about I give you another secret and 50 bucks, and we don't watch the tape?
Okay. But I get to decide if the secret's good enough.
Okay. I once made out with a monkey.
You did not.
One of the Monkees, Micky Dolenz.
Oh, no! He's the worst one.
- Not with his tongue. - Oh, God!