Day seven of moving on from Sol.
I'm going it alone. I'm not responding to texts, emails, or calls.
Today he sent me a photo of a Corgi wedding,
but I did not write back.
In truth, I had to suppress a powerful urge to text him back
that Corgis are the preferred mode of transportation for woodland faeries,
so I practiced my laughter yoga which I will demonstrate now.
Ho ho. Ha ha ha.
I gained another pound today,
but I think it's a pound of knowledge.
Ho ho ho, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
I'm now ready for today's big step.
It will be hard, and I should have a nurturing friend nearby,
but Grace, of course, is out with Guy.
This is the unbroken circle,
or the thing that has no beginning and no end, or some other shit like that,
but today its life on my finger is coming to an end.
Finger, there, be free. Be free.
Be free.
Excuse me, you're ringing. I must get you.
- Hi, honey. - Sorry I haven't called back.
It's been really crazy. And double sorry, I only have a minute.
Pull out your Beatle wig. The Fab Faux are in town Saturday.
- I know how you love their Ringo. - Aw, you're killin' me, Mom. I can't.
- We're throwing Dad's bachelor party. - Oh, right.
I'm really sorry, Mom,
and I'll make it up to you
next time Candace Joplin is in town, but I have to go.
I have to go, too. I'm having a party right now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be right there with the dip.
Where's Kevin? Hey, Kevin!
Last time we came here for brunch, you basically threw a bagel at us.
Today there's pumpkin pancakes and syrup in pitchers. What's up?
What? We're officially a family now.
Yeah. We just want our sisters to enjoy a nice breakfast.
What do you want?
What we want is for you to eat and enjoy and...
- Help us throw our dads' bachelor party. - Ah.
Well, first of all, isn't that more of a best man thing?
We're having a little trouble realizing their vision.
They want classy and elegant,
turns out we don't know as much about that as we thought.
To be fair, we never thought we knew that much.
It's a bachelor party, it's not supposed to be classy and elegant.
It's supposed to be crass and tacky.
- That's what I said! - It's not what they want.
So we're going to give them classy and elegant... with your help.
It's easy. We have one signature cocktail, three passed appetizers,
prosciutto-wrapped asparagus, turkey meatballs,
maybe those little tea cups with the matzo ball soup.
That's two references to balls. They'll think we're making a joke.
- When is this party again? - Saturday.
Ah, are you fucking insane? We can't throw a party in less than a week.
- We can't do it! - Martha... Martha...
It's gonna be okay. Guys, you can't do this to her,
and first of all, I think you do want to make a joke about balls.
I mean, it's a bachelor party, but they're gay men,
so it should be like a wild bachelorette thing with penises and balls
and party games where you're pinning penises onto balls.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes! - But we can't do that.
They said they wanted a party that reflects who they are.
Of course, they could have told us that before I sent out the Evite
with a cowboy in assless chaps.
- See, now that's a party I will go to. - We will help you.
- I am so busy. - I will help you.
Thank you.
But first we need to make a list.
Before that we need to make a list of all the lists that we need to make.
- I'm gonna put us all in a group text. - Can I just say,
this is a fairly elegant spread.
Yeah, well, we paid our neighbor to cook it for us.
You may want to look out for cat hair.
- Got a piece on it right there, actually. - Oh, God! Get it.
- What are your plans for tonight? - Oh, not much.
I thought about crocheting myself a noose,
but I can't decide on purple or pink.
So you're not feeling better.
No, I was coming out of my psycho-physical Sol withdrawal,
- but then with tonight... - Is this about the bachelor party?
No. I'm happy those fuckers are gonna have a good time.
Oh... I hate seeing you like this.
- Then go out. - No. Come on. Let's do something fun.
No, no. Don't worry about me. Just go pick up Guy at the airport or something.
He's a grown man. I'll tell him to take a cab home.
You are in need of some serious cheering up.
I'm not without cheer. I'm a little down.
It's an honest down, and since you're so up,
there's a homeostatic balance.
Come on, Frankie, what do you want to do?
I don't know. Nap.
Tweet a sad haiku.
You like to liberate the lobsters from the tank at the Food Giant.
Ah, the fish guy knows me. My picture's next to the shrimp.
Okay. You want to go to the art museum and touch the paintings?
- I did that last week. - I'll do anything. I'll drink beer!
- I'll wear a hat! - A funny hat?
- A funny hat. - I always like a good say yes night.
Remind me again what that is.
You go out and you say "yes" to everything, all night.
There's no "no" until it's over.
Sounds lengthy.
You know, say yes takes you places you've never been.
One time Sol and I ended up buying a Del Taco franchise.
How did that happen?
A guy asked us, "Do you want to buy a Del Taco franchise?"
We had to say yes.
Well, we'll stay away from that guy.
You know, just thinking about it cheers me up a little bit.
- There you go. - Let's do it.
All right!
? And the spear goes through the meatball Till it hits the plate?
- Good boy. - These Soljitos are great,
but those Robertritas... Satan's work.
Mm, the secret is the jalapeño tequila.
Okay. Don't pour too many. These are presentational.
We can serve the real ones when people get here.
What the fuck? Someone's here?
Seriously... you've got to bring it way down.
I'll get it!
No, I wanna get it. I love parties!
- Nelson. - Nelson!
- Nelson? - I can't believe it.
You came all the way from Utah. I am so tickled!
You know me, Robert. I like a good party.
Well, you're welcome. Let me take your coat. Can I get you a drink?
- A scotch would be great. - Okay.
Actually, we have Soljitos and Robertritas,
but those are just presentational. Come, I'll make you a new one.
Follow that handsome young man.
And you're welcome.
Why is Nelson Queller here? He wasn't on the list we gave the boys.
Well, I know, but we were emailing, and I felt bad, so I invited him.
Look, I didn't think he would even come.
- You know how I feel about that man. - All right, but he's been good to us.
Remember, he took us under his wing at the firm.
No. He took you under his wing.
He still thinks I'm the hippie Jew with the black son and the communist wife.
What about your drug-addict son... Nothing?
- Ha. - Look, Nelson's not a bad guy.
I mean, didn't he come all this way just for us?
He's not the person you think.
Wait a minute. Is Nelson why you didn't want any ribaldry tonight?
We both didn't want it. It's not our style.
No, it's not, but with Nelson coming,
it's a good thing our party is squeaky clean.
- What's your point? - My point is
I'm suddenly in the mood for a penis balloon.
No. You're just saying that because you can't have one.
Maybe you're right.
It's our party, and nothing's going to bother me.
I have a drink named after me. I'm going to get a Soljito.
I have one named after me, as well.
Why does Nelson think that I am a drug addict?
Can you go explain to him that you are the addict and I am the black one?
All right, guys. My work here is done. You guys are set for a great party.
- What? - You're not leaving!
We don't know anything about hosting a party like this.
Yeah, we're no classier than we were five days ago.
You guys, I gotta go. My actual children need me, okay?
The text chain is still alive if you need anything.
Bye, Dad. Bye, Uncle Sol.
Bye-bye, sweetheart. Thank you.
Frankie, are you ready to go out?
Yeah.
- See. This-this is part of the problem. - What, I shouldn't eat?
No. It's your outfit. Stand up.
Well, there's a few crumbs.
Yeah, turn around. Here's the thing,
you can't start a new life in old clothes.
How am I going to steal the garnish dispenser from the bar?
We've already got two.
You have a waist and hips!
And... Let me just see here now.
And... even breasts!
Look at those girls! Welcome to the world.
- Oh, my Lord, sexy and gorgeous! - I'm not arguing.
Let me get that beautiful hair up off your neck,
and oh, Frankie, you've even got cute ears!
- I do? - Yes!
- Let's go. - No, you can't go in chip clips.
That's just a demonstration.
- I'm going to dress you tonight. - Oh, no!
- Oh! You have to say yes. - Oh, heavens to Betsy and back!
- You're right. - Yeah.
- Well then, yes. - Oh, this is going to be fun!
Oh, but if you're gonna dress me, I'm gonna dress you!
Uh-oh, this is gonna be fun!
- Oh, we look fabulous. - I feel ridiculous.
Well, I'm going with it. I love this antigravity bra.
- Cleavage. - I can't believe I'm not wearing a bra!
- Jiggly, right? - And a tee shirt at night.
The only thing I hate are these shoes.
- Do you get used to the pain? - No.
There's the sign.
- This is the place you picked? - I haven't been here since forever.
It's dark, it's dirty, it's got urine-soaked sawdust on the floor.
Ew.
This is where I got in my first knife fight.
- Oh, nice! - Oh, no.
Wasn't the Evite for this party a picture of a cowboy's ass?
You figure there'd be at least one game of pin the junk on the hunk.
Well, maybe there's going to be a stripper.
Maybe he's already here.
I hope not.
Hey.
Hey, did you guys know that the Fab Faux are in town?
You ever seen them? It's uncanny!
- No. - No.
No?
Did you get the annual tote bag from the California Bar Association?
It's... it's blue this year.
- No. - No.
I got a "we're sorry we missed you" slip from the UPS guy.
Maybe it was that.
Maybe.
Should totally follow up.
Did you hear that rain last night?
We had tickets for Barbra Streisand.
So did we.
But this is fun, too.
It sounds like retirement is suiting you just fine, Nelson.
I can't complain. I do, but I shouldn't.
You have to come to Utah.
We'd love to.
What?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Out on the ranch, it's mostly skiing and hunting.
I'm not sure if that's your kind of thing.
Oh, no. I love shooting deers in the face.
Deer, dear.
That's what I said, dear.
This is the worst party I've ever been to, and I was at Jonestown.
Okay. Two things.
This party blows, and did you know that Charlie was at Jonestown?
Oh, my God, do we have some of that punch, because this party is awful.
- We've got to do something! - I know.
- God. Dad looks miserable. - What do we do? What do we do?
- What do we do? - I have no idea.
- Maybe if I drink more, I will care less. - I wouldn't know anything about that.
- I'm gonna have one of these Robertritas. - That's a Sol... jito.
Doesn't matter. It's workin'.
Hey, Brianna. It's Coyote. I need your help.
It's Coyote Bergstein. Stop laughing! That's never funny.
Doesn't even smell bad.
I know! It's a little noisy, though.
Who's from Boise?
No one. Oh, look!
The bar has those little hooks for our purses.
Yeah, they must have added them.
Cool outfit.
- Oh, thank you. - Go away. You're fake.
- You're all fake! - Frankie.
This place used to be filled with real dirtbags.
Now it's filled with fake dirtbags.
Look. Look at this artisanal cocktail menu.
I'm feeling really crushed by the evils of gentrification.
I used to dance on this bar in my bare feet, periodically topless.
- What's this? - Two whiskey flights.
We didn't order those.
- Oh, brother. - Oh, that's so sweet.
- Oh, that's very pretentious. - Frankie!
But I do like whiskey and since I have to say yes...
- So, that's a yes? - That's a yes.
Great. Now they think I have alien hand syndrome.
It's a thing, look it up!
Come on.
There you go!
Number three here is definitely worse than number two.
I'm sorry. Was there a joke in there?
Hey, can I get you guys anything?
- Oh, you again. - Frankie, are you hungry?
- I am, actually. - Grace, get the duck sliders.
- They're amazing. - But it's Frankie that's hungry.
She doesn't eat.
But you must have a few bites of this deeply fried calamari.
Say yes. Let me hear you say it.
Yes.
Ah, you're going to love the rabbit stew. Extra rabbit.
- Say yes. - Yes.
We'll share the duck sliders and the quail, please.
- Can I get you another flight? - No, no, no. I'll get her flight.
Guys, guys, please. Don't fight over getting me nothing.
I do have a boyfriend, but Frankie is single.
- Oh, my God. - Well, good for you.
- Is it serious with this guy? - It's getting there.
- He told me he loved me. - Oh, he's a lucky fella.
- Excuse me. Guy told you he loved you? - That you hear.
- When? - Last week.
Why didn't you tell me?
You were having a rough time.
So what does that have to do with anything?
- I didn't want to make you feel bad. - Like not telling me does.
? And the spear goes through the meatball Till it hits the... plate!
Hey, crazy.
Oh. Thank God you're here.
Wait, where's all the stuff?
I thought you said you were going to save the party with a bunch of penis stuff.
Boys-a-rama was closed, but it's all taken care of.
- Oh, okay. - Look outside.
- What? Look out here? - Yeah, yeah.
Holy shit!
I think that we may have over-corrected.
No! What? It's great!
It's just like a mechanical bull, but, you know, a dick.
Yes, I get it.
Okay, well, you talk so slow, sometimes I think you're dumb.
I'm just worried about...
Good God! What is that on the lawn?
That. Worried about that.
There's a giant schmeckle out there.
Hey, so that I can tell Carlos, are you guys gonna want the saddle
or you wanna ride it bareback?
- Get that thing off the lawn! - Yeah, get that thing off the lawn!
And do it fast before Mrs. Applebaum across the street has a heart attack.
- Oh, and like that would be a huge loss. - Look, guys, it's a party.
We just wanted you guys to have some fun.
Twister is fun. Trivial Pursuit can be fun.
This is mortifying! Can anyone at least go out and cover it up?
I'll cover it up.
Bud's gonna cover it up. I'm Bud.
Good. Good man. Come, quickly.
Come, quickly. Good man yourself. Come on, quickly.
Get out there. That's it. Good man yourself. Good.
All right.
Bud is here.
Everything is fine. No one is upset.
Whoa!
I'm Bud.
Ho!
I got it.
It's covered. I got it covered.
I'm stuck.
Whoa-oh! Whoa...
It's not covered.
It looks like a dead petting zoo on this table.
Okay, guys. Would you mind getting us a couple more flyers?
- Flight. - Absolutely.
Whatever. Okay, Frankie, enough.
I didn't tell you about Guy because...
I was afraid I would make you feel worse than you already do.
I was just trying to protect your feelings.
That's so insulting. You don't have to manage me.
I'm not managing anything. I just want you to have a good time tonight.
I'm not your project. I have a right to be down.
I have a right to try to cheer you up.
You don't understand. Everything's changing.
Even this stupid bar. Whiskey flights.
You think you know a bar and it's there for you,
but suddenly it's not there for you. It's under new management.
It's moving on without you.
Everything's changing.
I know, I know things are changing, but maybe not as much as you think.
- What do you mean? - You can still dance on this bar.
Come on. Don't you want to do it, just a little bit?
I know I'm supposed to say yes, but watch my head.
No, come on. I'll do it with you.
- No, you won't. - Yes, I will.
Can someone please help me get onto the bar, please?
Oh.
Oh. Oh, wait, wait, wait. I can't do this without her.
- Whoa! Don't bump me! - Maybe you just don't have any rhythm.
You stop right there. Reverse psychology usually doesn't work on me,
but I'm feeling vulnerable.
Well, dance it out.
I am dancing it.
Excuse me, ma'ams. You're going to have to get down.
I am getting down!
Yo, go girl, yeah, yeah!
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Whoo!
You are not welcome here!
Oh, now that I can say yes to!
- We got kicked out of that bar! - Oh, we did!
We got roughed up! Like a couple of hellions.
- You were so bad ass! - Thank you!
No, no. When someone says that,
you have to say, "That's right, motherfucker."
That's right, motherfucker.
We'll work on it.
More juice, Carlos. I'm a big boy.
Whoa!
Mr. Peterson, you're on deck.
Have a little dignity!
Nelson, wait. I'm sorry the party devolved into this.
It was never our intention to offend.
Good God! Is there another way out of here?
Fine, we'll take you out the back, but just to be clear,
we have the right to celebrate any way that we want.
Is that what you think?
The kids thought we'd think it was fun.
They didn't mean any harm.
You know, Robert, you and I go a ways back.
Yes, we do.
And I have to admit every once in a while, I began to wonder about you.
The pocket squares, always humming opera,
the beautiful wife you never paid that much attention to.
Then I heard about you and Sol and I thought,
the less I know about that the better.
But I came tonight because I am your friend,
and then what do you do?
You throw your lifestyle in my face.
I don't have a problem with you being a homosexual,
but when did you become such a faggot?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! He's not worth it.
You're right.
And you're just lucky that that faggot
stopped this faggot from putting you on your ass.
You can go out the front door,
but you might want to stop for a picture with the giant phallus.
I'm sorry, Sol. You were right about him.
- You almost hit a man in our foyer. - I know.
You are so hot right now!
Do you want to go outside?
- Oh, God, no! - Whew, neither do I.
I'll call Mrs. Applebaum.
I'll offer to walk her dog for a month.
- It might take two. - This turned into a good party.
I know we parked it on the street.
It was near another street, and there was a black car nearby.
Wasn't it silver?
- Black or silver, it was... - Where are you going?
- I'm gonna talk to that man. - He's homeless.
He can still talk.
Excuse me. Have you seen a Leaf?
I see lots of leafs. I also saw your car get towed.
- Oh. - Oh, okay. Thanks.
The good news is I know exactly where the tow lot is.
The bad news, I have so much weed in that car.
- We'll call a cab. - Okay.
Oh.
- You're gonna sit down there? - Yeah.
So how did this say yes night measure up?
Grace, we got kicked out of a bar.
My Leaf got towed.
That immediately puts it in the top five.
- So you're feeling a little better? - I do.
But I'm tired.
Would you tickle my arm?
- When does say yes end? - When we get home.
Then yes.
You know, thinking of you in that bar,
there was some serious shimmying went down.
- We should do it again sometime. - Mmm, that's nice of you to say.
I know you have Guy, so... I get it.
By the by, I'm happy for you.
I didn't say it back.
What?
When Guy told me he was falling in love with me,
I didn't say... anything.
- Oh. - Yeah.
- That's big. - I know.
What are you going to do?
I don't know.
When's that cab gonna get here?
After we call it.
Oh.