Kids, in the spring of 2011, Zoey and I broke up.
But the good news:
Goliath National Bank
was finally ready to demolish The Arcadian
and build the new headquarters I'd designed for them.
Ho!
The only problem was— I kept butting heads
with my project supervisor on one very important issue.
I want to press the button to blow up The Arcadian!
I want to press it! I want to press it!
Guys, I dated you both,
and neither of you is good at pressing
or even finding the button.
After some awkward pawing around,
that building's going to fake an implosion,
say, "Baby, that was great" and go to sleep.
She means you. She means you.
I want to press it. I want to press it!
I'm gonna press it! I'm gonna press it!
It's just a button, okay?
Can we just talk about something else, please?
Well, I ran into Zoey yesterday.
Oh. Oh.
That's the first time since the breakup.
How's she doing?
I'm still unemployed,
so I had to get a couple roommates.
Saving money. Making new friends.
No downside.
They're all 22 and sell drugs.
Which means they're not taking them.
So, that's a win.
Well, I can tell you're really busy
so I should... I'll let you go.
Hey.
You want to get coffee sometime?
You know that "coffee" is code for "I want to get back together" right?
Well, at first I wasn't sure,
but then she said something that got me thinking.
I want to get back together.
Oh! Oh!
Don't worry, we're not.
I just, I feel bad Zoey's having such a hard time.
You know what might... make you feel better, buddy?
I'm not letting you press the button.
I want to press the button!
You're not pressing the button! It's my button!
Sadly, that's all you need to know about my summer.
Now, around this time, Uncle Marshall
was still having a tough time finding a job.
He's out printing out a whole new batch of résumés
because he misspelled the phrase "detail-oriented."
And when he gets back home,
he is going to find his favorite soup
there waiting for him.
Oh, that's sweet, Lil,
but didn't you guys get food poisoning here one time?
Three times.
But they're really nice about it.
Their policy is, "Get sick, get a free gallon of soup"
And so, Lily dropped off Marshall's surprise soup
and headed back to work
to introduce the new class pet.
This is Mr. Buttons 2.
Now, after what happened
to Mr. Buttons 1, we have to be very gentle
with...
Marshall!
Don't eat the soup!
Oh, thank God.
This was about to be my third bowl.
Why shouldn't I eat the soup?
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Hey, Mr. Architect,
big day for you tomorrow, huh?
Yeah. Getting to stand next to me while I press the button.
That is going to be legend... -- wait for it— ... dary adjacent.
Legendary adjacent!
You okay?
Yeah... no.
This morning I was talking to the foreman.
Hey, hotshot.
You know, Rod, um, I'm loving that nickname,
and I can tell
it's totally affectionate,
but, uh, I'd prefer Ted.
Yeah, but you're such a hotshot,
I figured I'd just call you hotshot.
Pick one.
And make sure you like it.
There's going to be 50,000 of these
in your big, hotshot building, hotshot.
50,000 lightbulbs!
What if this one's too bright?
What if this one flickers
and gives everyone a weird headache?
Do you know how many people
it takes to change 50,000 lightbulbs?
Are these people Irish, Polish, blondes—
what are we dealing with here?
There's just— there's so many decisions to be made.
What if I make all the wrong ones
and my building just sucks?
Not possible.
Your building is new.
And I have one rule: New is always better.
You can't keep saying you have one rule
if they're always different rules.
Ah, but "new is always better" is my oldest rule,
which makes it the best.
Hi, Marsh. Oh, hey, buddy.
Hey.
Everything okay?
Lily got food poisoning from some soup.
And then I ate the soup
exactly three hours later.
Which means I can see exactly three hours into my future, and
it... doesn't... look... good.
I tried to be supportive.
Oh, baby, can you just hold me, please?
Of course, baby.
But it doesn't help it that when Lily gets going;
she sounds like a velociraptor from Jurassic Park.
But then I realized
a man can do a lot of living in three hours.
So, I'm out experiencing this beautiful, crazy dance called life.
Ah, my last meal.
MacClaren's famous jalapeño poppers.
My doctor says
I need to eat healthier, so I figured
the round-trip flight these babies are about to take
will land them permanently on the no-fry list.
Good-bye, my friend.
It's been a hell of a ride.
I have to...
Hey, babe.
The gang says feel better.
Mm. Thanks. Wait,
you didn't tell them I had food poisoning, did you?
Um, I...
Marshall, when it's stomach stuff,
you just say "under the weather,"
or people start picturing you doing unspeakable things.
I know.
I just said that you had the sniffles.
No one is picturing anything but little
red-nosed you
under a blankie with some hot tea.
I wonder what end it's coming out of Lily right now.
I bet it's her tushie.
I bet it's both.
Hey, speaking of explosions—
enough already, Ted!
That button's mine!
Yeah, fine, okay.
I got you this job, so I...
Say what?
Whatever.
It's yours.
I gotta run.
You...
Hello?
Yes, it is.
It's Bloom, Greenberg and Associates.
They want me to come interview.
Yes, I know it's risky to go, but this is the best
environmental law firm in New York.
It's my dream job.
That's a great idea, babe.
I'll ask them.
Hey, is it at all possible, could I come in on Monday?
Okay, I'll, I'll see you at 5:00.
Thank you.
I love and believe in you, too, baby.
Why would Ted
just give up the button like that?
And he forgot his phone.
"See you in an hour."
Who's that from?
Zoey.
They're meeting for coffee.
Ted's getting back together with her!
Why would Ted get back together with Zoey? He's doing great.
After a breakup, we all think we're doing great.
Sometimes the tiniest trigger can unravel you and send
you crawling right back. No,
I refuse to believe that Ted is getting back with Zoey
because of lightbulbs.
Uh, Ted's gone back for less.
Hi, Natalie.
You want to get coffee sometime?
Bro.
Ted, I only have one rule.
But I can't reach the worst part.
Hi, Karen.
Want to get coffee sometime?
Coming up next, our two local pandas,
Ming Ming and Bao Bao, are expecting a baby.
Robin, you want to get coffee
sometime...?
Get it together, bro.
According to my calculations,
at 6:00 p.m.,
my body is gonna pay out
like the most disgusting slot machine in the world.
That gives me two hours to go do the interview
and still get back in time.
Oh, but, baby, what if you hit the jackpot early?
Don't worry.
I'll be prepared.
I'm talking your ear off, sorry.
Is there anything I can do for you, sweetie?
Can... I... borrow...
an adult diaper?
We've got to stop Ted. Where are they meeting?
Okay, Zoey wrote, "Meet me at 6:00, where it all began,
where you gave me the orchid at the intersection."
Well, that's good. All we have to do is think back
to the time Ted told us about his first date with Zoey.
Amazing first date with Zoey!
We met at the intersection.
Aw, that's sweet.
You weren't listening either?
I was in a coma.
I mean, who pays attention to that sappy romantic crap?
Lily!
Yeah, I wasn't listening, either.
Ted really can go on about a bitch.
Great. He could be anywhere.
We're flat out of clues.
Hey, wait. Ted left a message.
I could hear it 'cause I was in the bathroom...
blowing my nose— I have the sniffles.
Hey, Lily, hope you're feeling better.
Marshall told us you're exploding from both ends
like a busted fire hydrant.
Damn it, Marshall.
Anyway, listen, I was going to
get back together with Zoey today,
but I came to my senses on the way out here, so...
False alarm.
Oh, crap.
Just stepped in some gum.
I'm getting back together with Zoey!
Okay, we're never gonna find him.
Wait, wait, wait.
That's was a subway announcement in the background.
I speak conductor.
Hey, Lily, hope you're feeling better.
Marshall told us... Got it.
Ted's at...
Oh...
Ted's at Smith and Ninth Street.
That's the intersection.
That's in Brooklyn. How are we
ever gonna get there in time?
Way ahead of ya.
Hello!
Marshall. Jake Bloom. Great to meet you.
Hello, hi.
Hey. Oh, I'm sorry about the stench.
We're suing a factory that's been dumping raw sewage
into a local marshland.
Yeah, ten minutes ago, I was knee-deep
in liquefied human feces.
And that was just on the F train.
I can't believe Ted's getting back together with Zoey.
I know. They're a total train wreck.
Unmitigated disaster.
Worst couple ever.
Yeah, almost as bad as us.
We were a mess.
Do you remember how awful I looked by the end?
My hair was falling out,
my skin was gray, my back was hunched.
What about me? I got so fat,
at the end of a date, you'd unhook my bra.
You were the only boyfriend I ever motorboated.
Thank God we're not sentimental saps
who panic and get back together.
Seriously,
why would people do that?
I guess I get it.
What do you mean?
Well, no matter how bad things got...
Ted really did love Zoey for a minute there.
Didn't he?
Yeah... he did.
And... she loved him, too.
Didn't she?
Yeah, she did.
Smith and Ninth Street.
So, let me show you some
of the gut-wrenching environmental atrocities
that we were working to stop, okay?
Here, pop quiz.
What is that?
That's a seal.
Bingo! Yes, a bloated seal corpse
rotting in industrial waste.
Mm-hmm.
Now, wait till you see what we found
when we cut him open.
Okay, where the hell are they?
Maybe this isn't the intersection.
Well, maybe it is and we're too late.
Man, I wish we'd gone to Brooklyn sooner.
I know, right?
Ever since the Trader Joe's opened up,
Brooklyn is so... whatever.
Wait. Where'd you get that?
Across the street
at the Intersection.
So, uh, you guys... want to buy some weed or...?
She's alone! There's still time!
But where the hell is Ted?
Wait a minute.
On their first date, he brought her an orchid.
How much do you want to bet he's gonna do it again?
Brilliant. But wait,
he had a huge head start on us.
There's no way he's still in there
unless he spent a half an hour picking out the perfect orchid.
Thanks, Julia!
You know what? Let me see the pink lady slipper again.
Now, do you know what that is?
A pile of rotting seagull carcasses
covered in toxic sludge.
Being eaten by rats. Exactly.
Now this next slide...
Oh, I'm sorry. That's my wife's water birth.
I don't know how that got in there.
Anyway, that's all my questions.
Oh, my God, I made it!
Now just shake his hand, clench your very soul
and run like hell!
Now, I like to set aside 20 minutes at the end
of every interview for your questions.
So don't hold back.
Whatever you got inside there, you just let 'er rip.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm just gonna tell him the truth.
When it's stomach stuff,
you just say "under the weather"
or people start picturing you doing unspeakable things.
I have food poisoning and I'm about to start volcanoing
toxic sludge out of both ends!
Nailed it.
Thanks, Julia!
No, on second thought.
Ooh! Come on. What the hell?
You can't get back together with Zoey just because
you're freaking out over a lightbulb.
I'm not freaking out over a lightbulb!
I'm freaking out over 50,000 lightbulbs!
I can't do this!
I only got this job because you gave it to me, Barney.
I didn't earn it!
Look, Ted, the future is scary.
But you can't just run back to the past
because it's familiar.
Yes, it's tempting.
But... it's a mistake.
You're right.
Um, excuse me.
Can you give this to the blonde sitting alone in there
and tell her Ted's really sorry?
Also... indirect sunlight.
Don't overwater. Half a cup a week is more than enough.
No.
Hi.
And kids...
that's how I met your mother.
Psych. It was just some chick.
Hey, baby, how'd it go?
Lily, this year, this nasty schoolyard bully of a year
will not stop punching me in the face.
How did we kick off 2011?
My dad died.
And now after five months of unemployment,
I just blew my dream job.
The good news is, in a few seconds,
I'm gonna start heaving my guts out
because that's what life is for me now;
just losing what's inside until I'm just empty.
Baby, come here.
I just want to shut my eyes
for a few seconds before it starts.
And Marshall slept...
all night.
Okay, hotshot.
Mr. Stinson.
Who's gonna do the honors?
He is.
You sure?
Yeah. You earned it.
All clear!
Hey, new is always better, right?
Always.
Ten, nine,
eight...
Lily, it's a miracle.
I didn't get sick. I didn't get sick.
I know, baby.
I'm pregnant.
one!
I'm proud of you for giving Ted the button.
It meant a lot.
It's just a button.
Can we talk about something else, please?
Nora. Hi.
How you been?
Fine.
Look, I don't know why
you would possibly say yes to this, but would you want
to grab a cup of coffee with me sometime?
20 minutes. I was such a jerk to you.
You can spend the entire time calling me
every dirty name in the book.
I speak four languages.
I'm gonna need more than 20 minutes.
I'll call you.
You look beautiful, by the way.
And here I thought it was too late for sundresses.
It's never too late, Barney.
Challenge accepted.
Best man?
You're being summoned.
Geez, what now?
I heard the groom needed me.
What do you think of this tie?
== sync, corrected by elderman ==