Kids, this is the story...
of a wedding day that went horribly wrong.
Ted, the bride wants to see you.
Uncle Barney was getting married.
How the hell did we get there?
I love the name Marvin.
Marv.
Sounds like a little middle-aged man.
Golf next weekend, Marv?
How's that tax report comin', Marv?
At your age, erectile dysfunction is nothing to be ashamed of, Marv.
It was a beautiful moment.
But then a thought popped into my head, kids...
the same thought that will pop into your heads...
the first time you see your best friend holding their baby.
Wonder how much this would hurt.
"That guy's a dad."
Oh.
I think he's hungry.
We'll give you some privacy.
Wow. Seeing them in there, all together like that...
They're a family, you know?
That's what I want.
- Oh, Ted. I'm glad we're friends again. - Me too.
Because as your friend, I have to tell you...
you're full of crap.
You say you want a family. You say you want to meet "the one."
- But you are always chasing the wrong women. - That is not true.
Look at the women you date, starting with me.
I told you right away I didn't want marriage or kids.
Stella had a child with another man, who she still loved.
Zoey was married and trying to sabotage your career...
and wore a lot of stupid hats.
Hats were in that year. Kind of.
Name one exception.
Victoria. Victoria was great.
Exactly. And you threw it all away to chase after some hot piece of ass.
- You mean you?
Thank you.
Victoria is the only woman you've dated who could have been the one.
You should call her.
Tiny thing... the last time I saw her, she was getting engaged.
That was eight months ago. For all you know, she's single again.
- What if she's married? - What if she's not?
Then you would actually have a chance to get what you say you want, and it terrifies you.
Whoa. What's wrong?
I ruined things with Quinn.
I insisted she stop stripping. We got in a huge fight about it.
Then I ran off to Atlantic City for two days without calling.
What the hell am I coming home to?
Let's have an eight-way with my six hottest stripper friends.
- Um, how is that a punishment? - Wait for it.
But I forbid you from filming it with your overhead camera...
that zooms in on whoever is being the loudest.
Nooo!
No, that's too cruel.
Or, you know, maybe Quinn's moved out.
I didn't even think of that.
Welcome home.
I decided the place was a bit too American Psycho for me.
So while you were gone, I hired a decorator,
and I asked him, "What would the inside of Tinker Bell's vagina look like?"
And the kid just ran with it.
So, what do you think?
Thank God you're still here.
Welcome home.
Lily and Marshall asked Robin to be the photographer...
for baby Marvin's birth announcement card instead of me.
Whatever. The only problem?
Okay. How about this? Tomorrow, we go to Central Park at sunset...
and we get the perfect picture in the perfect setting.
Oh, I like that. It'll be Marvin's first outing into the world.
You're gonna love the park, buddy.
It's a great place to meet chicks.
Or dudes.
Or both.
Oh. We love you, no matter what.
And, kids, as I watched your Aunt Lily hold her baby boy,
another thought popped into my head.
Even though you didn't buy anything,
I want to thank you for coming in.
Here's a free teddy bear. What are you gonna name the little guy?
Uh... Six-pack.
- Gun it, bitches!
"That girl's a mom."
Okay. So I met this girl on the train, and I texted her "What's up?"
She texted "Hey!"... exclamation point.
Does that mean "Ask me out" or...
Ted, we are responsible for a whole other human life now.
So new rule... you can't come to us with any issue unless it's an eight or higher.
Got it. So I'm thinking of texting back a winky smiley face...
Eight or higher, bro.
- What should I... - Eight or higher, bro.
- Yeah, I'm just wondering if I... - Eight or higher, bro.
Well, where do you rate this?
This is the same as what's in little Marvin's pants right now.
A soft two.
Sorry.
Stop texting the bimbo and call Victoria.
That chapter's over. We just weren't destined to be together.
Destined? Aren't you tired of waiting for destiny, Ted?
Isn't it time to make your own destiny?
Hey. False alarm.
What I was smelling was the previous poop,
which apparently is still somewhere on my clothes and/or in my hair.
Hold him. Oh.
Could you?
- Gotta... - Yeah. Smart.
Oh, sure. That one turns out great.
And then another thought popped into my head.
"That guy's nowhere near being a dad."
Victoria, it's Ted.
Um... Listen, I was just wondering...
if you wanted to catch up some time.
It's been a while. That sounds nice.
I'm actually around this afternoon.
Oh. Wow. Uh, great.
MacLaren's at 2:00? Is 1:30 okay? I might have a thing later.
Yeah. Yeah, see you then. See you then.
Meanwhile, Barney and Quinn were off to Hawaii...
for their first getaway as a couple.
Ma'am, I need you to open your suitcase.
It's mine.
Did you have to replace my luggage too?
Run away on me again, you'll be wearing hot pink stilettos.
- What's that? - Yeah, what is that?
It's a magic trick.
You see, I'm something of a magician.
- Open the box, sir. Oh, I can't do that.
Sir, are there drugs in that box?
Oh, no. He's probably just barking because of the explosives.
Oh, my God.
Tell us what's in the box right now.
I can't. Magician's code.
Okay, I need to figure out if Victoria ever got engaged.
I'll have to very subtly check for an engagement ring.
Hmm. Can't see the left hand.
Open the box now.
I can't. Magician's code.
What the hell is the magician's code?
A magician never reveals his tricks.
Mr. Flanagan, my magic mentor from the hallowed Staten Island Mall magic shop,
taught me the importance of the code one fateful autumn night in 1993.
Hello?
Mr. Flanagan? What are you doin' here?
Um...
I'm checking up on you,
just to make sure you're practicing your craft or whatever.
That is an honor, sir.
And, yeah, I promise I'm practicing.
But wait.
Why were you going to my mom's room?
Uh... Your mom's actually helping me with a new trick.
That is so cool.
What is this trick? Is it sawing a lady in half?
Well, not sawing.
But actually the magician's code...
forbids me from telling you anything else about the trick.
Wayne, come back to bed.
Okay, it involves a bed.
Wait, wait, wait. Can you at least tell me the name of this trick?
Sure, kid.
It's called...
the Disappearing Salami.
Mr. Flanagan's wife shot him...
before he could ever tell me what the trick was.
Yeah, that guy was banging your mom.
- Yep. - [Guard #2] Totally.
Mr. Flanagan was not bang...
Oh, my God. He was.
Wait. Why are you bringing a magic trick to Hawaii anyway?
I was hoping to shoot up to Honolulu for the Worldwide Magic Convention.
Don't worry. You'd never notice I was gone. It's only three 14-hour days.
So on our romantic getaway to help me forget about you skipping town on me,
you're skipping town on me?
Look, Quinn.
You're very important to me,
but you share my heart with an equally important miss.
Mis...
direction.
What? How...
Shoot him.
So, what'd you order?
Oh, just black coffee.
- I like it that way too. - Yeah, it just tastes better to me.
I find that if the coffee beans are good enough, you really don't need...
Why are you in a wedding dress?
Well...
I'm sort of supposed to get married today.
All your friends and family are waiting for you in some church right now?
Well, not all. We had five last-minute no-shows.
Well, six.
Mazel tov, Ted.
I was starting to think this would never happen.
No, Mrs. Matsen. We're not... I told you he wasn't gay.
Wait, what?
I was tempted to leave Klaus for you last fall.
The only thing holding me back was the Robin of it all.
I know, and you were right.
But that's all over now. She moved out.
We're still friends, but that's over.
All these years, I never stopped thinking about you, Ted.
I've got a car outside,
if you're ready to drive off into the sunset together.
But if you don't feel the same way...
if you've closed the door on us...
just say the word and I'll go.
Barney, tell them the trick.
The only person I could possibly reveal the trick to is another magician.
Well, I'm a magician.
Prove it.
That's Barney's version.
Quinn said it was a simple card trick.
Who's to say which version was true?
Quinn's. Quinn's version was true.
Okay. I'll tell you.
Oh, that's really cool.
So what's the trick?
I can't say. Magician's code.
Ta-da!
Hello.
Why did you make me call Victoria?
She's here in a wedding dress.
I'm on the verge of ruining a wedding.
And Mrs. Matsen's friend thinks I'm gay,
but let's put a pin in that till later.
Oh, my God. Victoria's at the bar with Ted.
- That's a seven. - And she's in a wedding dress.
That's a 10.
We got a 10!
- What are you gonna do? - Where is she right now?
So this dress, what's the cut? Are we talking princess, ball gown, column?
Right, 'cause it's a federal crime to love weddings.
She's in the bathroom, which I guess takes forever with that giant poofy skirt thing.
Ball gown. Thank you.
- Four shots of tequila. - Ted, calm down.
Or not. This is your chance to get the one who got away.
You want her, she wants you. What's the problem?
The problem is Victoria's in the middle of a giant freak-out.
What if she winds up regretting this decision?
She's going after Ted Mosby.
That's the best decision she's ever made.
Here you go.
- What was that? - What?
You said you wanted a picture of baby Marvin's first outing.
Our baby's first outing was to a bar.
I dribbled Cuervo on Marv's soft spot.
- Here she comes. Quick.
Eggshell or cream? Is it eggshell or cream?
So... You, me, riding off into the sunset.
Any thoughts?
One question.
F.D.R. or West Side Highway... what's the quickest way to the sunset?
I need to ask you both a few questions.
- Let's start with you. Name? - Quinn Garvey.
- Occupation? - Unemployed.
Well, well, well. Look who's keeping secrets now.
Sir, I'll tell you her occupation... stripper.
She insists she's proud of it, but apparently not proud enough to tell you.
Barney, I was going to surprise you with this on our trip, but...
I quit.
You did that for me?
Yes.
And now that you know what I did for you...
and how much I care for you,
would you please show him the trick?
Sorry. Magician's code.
Where should we go?
Your place? My place?
We could go on my honeymoon.
Just kidding. Although it is paid for.
- I know where we should go. - Where?
Your wedding. I'm taking you back.
I don't understand. I thought you wanted this.
I do want this.
I've thought about you so many times... what might have been.
But I got left at the altar, and it nearly killed me.
You're someone's fiancée, and I have to respect that.
So let's hit a motel, jam in a quickie and get you back to your wedding.
It's the right thing to do.
Some part of me needed to hear you say...
that running away together wasn't an option.
And now that I know that, it's like I'm sobering up.
Is there any way that we can just pretend this never happened?
This never happened.
Mr. Flanagan wasn't banging my mom.
Well. Your flight left.
We need to hold Mr. Stinson for further questioning.
But you're free to go.
Maybe I should.
Wait.
I'll show you the trick.
Sir. May I please have the silk handkerchief in your top left breast pocket?
I don't have...
I...
Sim sala bim.
Relax, relax. It's part of the trick.
How did you get that through the X-ray machine?
No questions from the audience, please.
Uh...
- What is that? - Madam, may I please have the key on your necklace?
Oh!
- Is that gonna explode? - What?
What?
Will you marry me?
Yes.
Come on, guys. We're losing the light for baby's second first outing.
I hate to say it, but Robin nailed it.
- Hey. - Guys, we've got something to tell you.
- Eight or higher, bro. - We're engaged.
That's a... That's a 10.
We got another 10. Wow, big day.
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
How did this happen?
Oh. Magic.
Oh. Uh, not to ruin the moment,
but apparently little Marvin was quite stunned by the news.
Little...
Yeah. Yeah.
Do you guys mind recounting this romantic tale next to a Diaper Genie?
Oh, Marvin. You're about to hear your first love story.
Once upon a time, this creepy magic dude was boning Barney's mom.
So, last chance to run away together. Door's right there.
Yes. Start a new life.
Head for the border. Canada.
Eh, Mexico. Canada sucks.
Well, you're one-quarter Canadian,
so, by that logic, you one-quarter suck.
I'm 100% awesome, and you know it.
Yeah, I do.
Mmm.
Look, I hope this isn't weird or anything, because...
Barney. I'm... I'm really happy for you.
Really? Really.
You just drove right by the church.
I know.
The road to this day has had a few twists and turns, hasn't it?
Yeah, just a few.
In a weird way, it all makes sense though, doesn't it?
Yeah.
Yeah, it kind of does.
The bride wants to see me?