1, 2, 3, hyah!
Baby!
Sassy.
Studly.
Ooh!
Check the pecs. Hee ha huh!
Man, I'm pretty.
Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group and U.S. department of education
do the monkey with me.
Come on!
Hey there, baby.
Ooh... Aah.
Yeah, whatever.
Johnny, voice-over: It was a day like any other day.
I was standing on the corner of third and main
waiting for Gabrielle, my date for the afternoon.
[Sniffs]
Oh, yeah.
Voice-over: It was a day just like any other day, except for one thing:
I was sharing the street corner with a clown.
Ah... Thank you.
Well, there's another show in an hour.
Psst! Hey, buddy!
You want to hear a joke?
[Clown laughing]
Well, you see, there was this elephant...
Dag-nab it! Slippery lemon.
Don't grow them like they used to.
[Vroom]
[Tires squealing]
I thought I told you to get out of town!
This is my turf, old man.
Turf? I'll give you turf, you helot!
Ooh... Making threats, huh?
I think it's time you retired.
Look, Sonny,
I'm just trying to make a few dollars, ok?
Uh... Do you have a quarter?
Yeah... About 10,000 of them.
They're in a little something I like to call... A bank!
Watch it, kid. I used to be funny.
Yeah... In the stone age.
I bet I could make you laugh, you green-haired,
rosy-cheeked pipsqueak!
Not a chance.
But, you know, I bet I could make you laugh so hard
that it would short-circuit your pacemaker.
I bet I could make you laugh.
Excuse me, are you guys a couple of clowns?
No. We're fashion models.
I... Hate... Clowns!
I challenge you to a joke-a-thon.
First clown to make the other laugh... Wins.
We'll need a victim.
Both: We can use him.
Johnny: Yeah...
You're steamin', baby.
You, too... And you...
And you, pretty man.
Oh, man... Time flies when you're having fun.
I got to get back and wait for my date.
Ooh!
[Crash]
See? A banana peel.
It's a great gag.
Banana peels are passe.
In the 20th century, we use the domino principle.
Hey, what are you trying—whoa!
Ooh!
[Whimpers]
See? Multiple gags.
That's funny.
Too busy.
Hey, maybe a different pose will make me
even more irresistible than I already am.
Hyah!
Watch this.
[Whistling]
Ooh!
[Snickering]
What's the idea?
You were wearing this sign— "kick me." Ha ha!
All right, then.
[Whistling]
Ooh!
[Laughing]
Hey!
You're still wearing the sign. Ha ha ha!
Aw, come on, now. That's comedy.
"Kick me" signs? Here, watch this.
See? "I hate rhinos."
Buddy... You got a problem with rhinos?
I mean, what are you— some kind of rhinophobe?
I, uh... I really, um... Not... I... I don't know.
Well, I do.
Ooh! Aah! Aah!
Jerk!
Did you see the insulted rhino?
Now, you have to admit that was funny.
[Moaning]
There's no funny in that.
Now... Observe.
Oomph!
Ooh! One whole pie.
Impressive.
By the way, I'm being sarcastic.
Watch this.
[Cocks gun]
[Electronic beeping]
How do I do my funny?
Volume, volume, volume.
Oh!
Unh!
Huh!
Sorry, mister, but I can't afford to muss my hair.
Hey, no problem.
Ow!
Ha ha ha!
Face it, blond boy.
There's no escaping the power of my funny.
Back there.
Thanks, pal.
Oh! Ohh!
Heh, hah, huh!
Oh! Aw, man...
I'm gonna be late.
Hyah!
Johnny bravo, you're late.
I may be late, honey—huh!--
but I look good.
I'm funny.
No, I'm funny.
Don't tell me that jazz. I'm funny.
Don't tell me that jazz. I'm funny!
Why, you're nothing but an egocentric,
selfish, idiotic...
Ooh!
Hyah! Oh, yeah... I have this effect on all women.
No, I'm funny!
Ooh... I just love a man that can make me laugh.
You're both so hysterical!
Both: We are?
And you're both covered in pie.
I just love a man covered in pie.
In fact, why don't you both take me out for pie!
[Kissing]
Ok. Ok.
But... What about me?
Our plans... Our date!
Clowns!
They just had to be clowns.
Look... I'm a pie-covered man in a box.
Hyah!
Ow.
Oh, yeah... I feel better already.
Aah!
Yeah, whatever.
[Sizzling]
Huh! Hah!
Hi, Johnny.
Don't distract me, kid.
I don't want any of these ultraviolet rays to miss me.
Well... I was just wondering if you'd be my chaperone
for the second grade dance on Friday.
Sorry, little Suzy. Friday is my night for cruisin'.
I thought Wednesday was your night for cruising.
Yeah. That, too.
Ooh... Huh!
Get lost, girlie. I got to go sun my pecs.
Oh...
Pleeease, Johnny?
No!
Hey there, little lady.
Can I have a double-fudge whip banana split
with a little bit of your lovin' to keep it nice and cool?
As if.
How about if you just give me the lovin'?
Unh!
Or... Maybe just the banana split.
Aw, she wasn't your type, anyway.
Ok, now I've had about all I can stand.
What'll it take to get you to leave me alone?
Be my chaperone for the dance.
Man, oh, man... Why don't you ask somebody your own size?
[Blowing nose]
I'm your size. I'm your age.
I'm your guy!
Ooh... Gross!
Now, listen here, skippy.
How'd you like to be cool enough to take Suzy to the dance?
Wow! Yes, sir, I would!
I would, indeed!
I can teach you, but you got to want it. Do you want it?
Yes, sir!
Pipe down. I'm standing right here.
Son...
This is hair gel.
Treat it with respect, and it'll be good to you.
Treat it with carelessness, and it'll strike back!
How?
Don't ask questions, kid.
Ok, skippy-San...
I'm gonna teach you the old and sacred art
of the squirt slide stance.
The what, sir?
Squirt—huh!
Slide—ho!
Stance—huh!
Now you try it, kid.
Um...
Squirt—aah!
Slide—aah!
Stance—ooh!
Yeah... All right!
Um... We'll build on that.
All right, kid... Chicks love a buff bod,
so here's what you got to do.
Ooh...
Hoo! Hyah!
Ok, kid... Now let me see you do 3 of those.
[Grunting]
Aah! Aah!
Ok... Let's work on something else, all right?
Johnny: Hey, you're looking sharp, kid.
I think we're making progress.
Now... We're gonna work on cool body language.
Do this— hah! Huh! Hah!
Huh! Huh! Hah!
Aaah! Ooh!
Oh, wish on the bald man, honey!
I want a pony.
[Gasps]
Yay!
I want a husband!
Ohh...
Hmm. Whatever.
Now what, sir?
Now we mold your lame little brain into a bravo brain.
[Laughing]
That tickles.
Ok, kid...
There's the prey. Make me proud.
Mind if I court you?
"Court you"? What's the matter with you, kid?
You sound like you're trying
to pick up the little rascals or something.
I like the little rascals!
I bet you do, spanky. Now watch closely, kid.
I am gonna show you the bravo way to bag a babe.
Take notes if you want.
Hey there, cutie-pants. You want to hang with a manly man?
I'll let you feel my muscles. Huh! Only a dime a minute.
Now, that's a bargain.
Why, yes, it is. And you're a pig.
Ohh...
Huh! Ooh! Aah...
[Chain saw buzzing]
Hoo!
Whoa!
Duh!
Golly! That looks like it hurts, sir.
Yes, indeed!
Yeah, well... That's life, kid.
See, you got to take the impacts of the fallen trees
with the good.
All right, kid...
See what that bikini's wearing?
Hello! Now go for it.
B-b-but... I can't, sir.
I just don't have what it takes!
Man, what could I have missed?
You should be a chick-nettin' machine by now.
I don't under— wait a minute.
Of course!
Put these on, kid.
Skippy: Wow!
Holy mamas!
Look at all the babies just waitin' to be bagged!
I think we are ready, little Freddy!
[Slurping soda]
All righty, kid, there's little Suzy.
Now, remember what you been taught.
Hah! Hey there, little mama.
Want to go steppin' with me at the dance tonight?
Johnny, what happened to you?
You've gotten shorter.
I'm not shorter, I'm just really far away.
Well, who cares? Sure, I'll go to the dance with you.
Oh, my gosh! I have to pick out something to wear.
[Humming happily]
Way to go, kid!
Handled like a true bravo trainee.
Aw, that wasn't so tough.
I just... Hubba-hubba!
[Snaps fingers]
Now, wait a second!
Oh, Johnny, we're gonna have the best time!
Mmm!
Oh... Mama.
[Whip cracking]
Man: Remember, kids... When taming a lion,
always make sure you never turn your back on them.
That's right, kids, because—hoo!
[Chomp]
[Burps]
[Crowd cheering]
Johnny: And, uh... That's one to grow on.
[Echoing] Hey...
Echo!
Narrator: 'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through Aron city not a creature was stirring...
Except Johnny.
Man, I'm pretty.
[Rumbling]
Narrator: Mama was sleeping. You can tell by the snoring.
After 4 times today, Jimmy Stewart gets boring.
[Snoring]
[Snoring ceases]
[Quieter snoring resumes]
Narrator: Johnny crept quietly— to bed's where he rushed.
He would try to fall asleep now, while the whole town was hushed.
[Hoofbeats on roof]
What's that? Narrator: Johnny cried.
That's too loud for a mouse. Hyah! Hah!
Hyah!
I was right— there's a crook on my house!
Narrator: A bag to steal goodies, a fake beard... How passe.
And just look, near the gutter— it's his getaway sleigh!
And without second thought and with nary a pause,
Johnny bravo mistakenly clocked...
Santa claus.
Uh-oh.
Narrator: Santa knew John was good, though as smart as a gnat.
He was protecting his mama. Santa couldn't fault that.
Johnny, I'm angry—
of that, there's no doubt.
It's Christmas Eve, pinhead, and Santa's now out.
See, Johnny? My arm's broke.
My bag I can't lift.
It's now up to you to give each kid a gift.
Me... Doing your job? How much does it pay?
Do I get to meet chicks? Can I cruise in the sleigh?
It's something you'll do for all good kids in bed.
Now get in my outfit, or I'll bust your fat head!
Narrator: Santa's red coat is what Johnny would wear...
And Santa's red hat took the shape of John's hair.
So Johnny jumped on the sleigh and flew through the night,
but he never got any of the reindeers' names right.
Johnny: On, yeltsin! On, Nixon!
On, stinky! On, rose! On—
hey, where's that freak with the big glowin' nose?
You heard the grinch— do not let that reindeer escape!
[Plugged nose] I got to get to Santa!
[Laserfire]
Narrator: So Johnny endeavored at Santa's request...
To give each good one listed the gift they loved best.
Narrator: To the mayor of Aron city, a new pair of shorts...
So he's wearing clean undies when he romps and cavorts.
You promised me no more cavorting!
Ooh!
Narrator: Little Suzy fell asleep waiting for old St. Nick.
Johnny spied out the cookies and ate them quite quick.
[Glass shatters]
Narrator: And he had to admit as he saw Suzy napping...
Hey, that kid's kind of cute... When her mouth isn't flapping.
[Sleigh bells ringing]
Narrator: Jungle boy got a new loin cloth,
the gorilla girls... Mary klay.
[Girls giggling]
Narrator: And a big lump of coal for the evil king ray.
Sorry, magilla— just following orders.
[Ticking]
[Snoring]
Narrator: For chronos the bear, who's precise in his timing,
a clock so specific even he won't be whining.
[Snoring continues]
[Alarm bell ringing]
[Roar]
Narrator: And Scooby-dooby-doo didn't get Scooby snacks.
Santa's gift was more useful.
Scooby: Reech rerapy?
Thanks!
Scooby-doo!
Narrator: Johnny circled the globe in the span of one evening...
Trying to match rightly the gifts he was leaving.
From Asia...
To England,
Guatemala...
To dunkirk.
How does Santa stay fat, man?
This gig is hard work!
Narrator: At the end of the list with but one gift to deliver,
Johnny realized something that just made him shiver.
Aw, man, did I blow it! What a dumb thing to do!
I gave mama's gift to the wrong person, but the question is who?
You're cavorting with some woman named bunny!
Admit it!
Sweetie, I—
[sleigh bells ringing]
Narrator: Knowing no present would make mama miffed,
Johnny expected the worst, but heard—
mama: What a great gift!
The gift says, "from Santa," but I know very well
this big ring's from John-John,
and it's real diamondelle!
[Laughing]
Narrator: And there in the corner in red and green wrapping
was a present from Santa— despite Johnny attacking.
Two gifts for Johnny? Will wonders not cease?
He got two boxing gloves and a brand-new mouthpiece.
But attached was a note that filled Johnny with fear...
Merry Christmas, you pinhead.
Round two is next year.
Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group and U.S. department of education
captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.
Public performance of captions prohibited without permission of national captioning institute