1, 2, 3, hyah!
Baby!
Sassy!
Studly.
Check the pecs. Hee! Ha! Huh!
Man, I'm pretty.
Do the monkey with me! Come on!
Hey there, baby. Oh! Uh!
Yeah, whatever.
Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group and U.S. department of education
hyah!
Aw, mama!
There's got to be a faster way to get huge.
Hey, all you buff bench-pressers,
why waste your time sweating like bacon hogs
to harden a six-pack of abdominals when you don't have to?
That's right! Ubermass helps weightlifters gain body mass quick.
Ubermass— I'm all "uber" it.
Huh! Hey, fella, that uber stuff really work?
Of course it does.
It's been scientifically tested by Dr. floppy.
Ubermass gets my seal of approval. Oy, boy.
That's cool. So what's in the shake?
That's a top-secret formula,
but if you promise to buy some, I might be willing to tell you.
Well...
Ah, fiddlesticks. I can't keep a secret from you.
It's a delicious fudge-flavored mix of ingredients,
with a little sprinkle of magic.
Is it government-approved?
Well, it ought to be, with such great chocolate taste.
Ok, mister, let me get this straight.
If I drink ubermass, it'll make me huge?
See for yourself.
Hey, that's me. I'm pretty. Where'd you get that?
Internet. Now, this is you before ubermass.
What about after?
[Beep]
Holy guacamole!
And, Johnny, look at this.
Whoa! All the pixilated two-dimensional babes I want!
Mister, you got a deal. I'll take a case.
Great! Now, remember, don't exceed the recommended dosage.
Yeah, yeah. Sure, pal.
You're going to like being huge, Johnny. Hee hee!
Yeah, I'll bet—
hey, how'd you know my name?
How do these people know my name?
Johnny: Let's see now.
One shake every evening, and in six weeks, I'll start to build up body mass.
Whoa! Six weeks?
Aw, mama. I hate delayed gratification.
I got to get buff now.
[Cat shrieks]
[Glass breaks]
[Glug glug glug]
[Yawns]
Aw, mama!
What the...
Hey! The ubermass— it worked!
[Water sloshing]
I'm an ocean of muscle,
ebbing and flowing on the tide of studliness.
[Groans]
Oh!
Woman: Johnny!
What, mama?
[Groaning]
Your oatmeal's ready, boy!
Ok, mama.
Ooh!
[Slurping]
Will you cut that out!
Johnny, you're huge!
Mama: What on earth happened, Johnny?
Ubermass, mama.
Turned me into a buff-bodied stud.
Well, now, Johnny, I don't want to be negative, but...
Well, you don't look all that buff.
What are you talking about?
Well, you just look fat.
You're just jealous, mama.
No. Actually, she's right, Johnny.
You're fat.
I'm huge! That's all that matters.
Quick—give me something heavy to lift.
What about the washing machine?
All righty.
[Glug glug glug]
[Groaning]
Aw, man! Maybe I do have
a couple of extra stomach rolls.
Oh, now, Johnny, this is ridiculous.
I mean, good heavens!
You've gotten house all over the floor!
Dang! You're right.
I got to find a way to lose weight fast.
You and 58% of America.
Mama, I'll be back.
I'm going to ubermass headquarters.
[Groaning]
Ah, well, I'd better get the squeegee.
Wait a second. A 50 foot woman?
What a ridiculously outlandish idea!
That's the movies for you—totally fake.
Fake is right.
Yep. Doesn't get any less real than giant people.
Giant people! Ha! Just the thought is laughable.
Aah! Aah!
Holy cow! We're eating crow!
And the taste is bitter indeed.
Aah! Aah!
[People screaming]
Take it easy, everybody.
Don't panic.
I'm just looking for the ubermass factory.
[Siren]
Oh, baby! I got to fix this fast.
I'm ticking a lot of people off.
I can—whoa, mama!
Hey there, foxy hygiene girl.
I love a babe with minty breath.
♪ ♪
hey, thanks, man. God bless you.
[Horn honking]
Sorry about that.
Ooh! Excuse me. That's got to hurt.
Bingo!
I sold an entire case of the stuff to this idiot.
Did you tell him it was outlawed by the f.D.A.?
F.D.A.? Is that the basketball thing?
No.
Oh. Then I didn't tell him.
[Pounding footsteps]
Whaaa!
Hey, you're that fellow that sold me the ubermass.
No. No. He, uh... He died.
Hyah! Not so fast, uberman!
Whaaa!
All right, now, Mr. wizard,
my request is simple.
Either you give me the antidote to this uber crud,
or I wring you like a sponge.
Ok, ok, ok! You win, fella.
This is—this is hinter mass.
Remember, follow the recommended dosage,
and in six weeks, you'll be back to normal.
Ah, there you go again with that "six weeks" stuff.
Mister, I don't have that kind of time.
Ah! Six weeks, shmix weeks!
I knew everything would turn out ok.
Ah!
Aw, man! I got to get to the gym.
Narrator: Ah, Saturday in Aron city—
a day of peace, a day of relaxation, a day of—
[horn honks]
Quiet! I'm trying to touch my inner self.
Thank you, young lady.
No, thank you!
One, please.
Coming right up.
What are you doing, kid?
Hi, Johnny.
I'm selling lemonade so I can buy my mommy a gift.
Ha ha! At a quarter a glass?
What are you going to buy her—gum?
Ahh! Here's a twenty. Keep the change.
Thank you!
No, thank you!
Huh?
Excuse me, little girl. Do you have change for a thousand?
Um, I think so.
Neato! Now I have enough money to send my mommy to acapulco.
♪ LA cucaracha, LA cucaracha ♪
♪ LA ta LA ta LA ta ta ♪
it's going to be the best mother's day gift ever.
Mother's day?
Sure. Mother's day is tomorrow.
Oh, yeah! Hey, I can get mama those slippers
she's been wanting to buy.
I just hope I have enough money.
Moth: I'm free!
Free!
Aw, man! And those slippers cost $25, too.
Where am I going to get that kind of money?
Hey, Johnny, I have some extra—
don't interrupt me, kid. I got to make some cash.
Johnny, anybody can make money.
You just have to figure out what your best asset is and sell that.
My best asset.
My best asset!
All I got to do is kiss one Betty—ha!--And I'm off to buy those slippers.
Hey, little mama, one kiss—$25.
Ok, how about two kisses?
Hey there, little pop tart, how'd you like me to plant a big wet one on you?
Mmmm... Mwa!
Ha ha!
Or vice versa.
Only 25 bucks, and I'm yours for the taking.
Hang on. I think I have it in my purse.
Aah!
Did I mention my money-back guarantee?
You'll never make any money like that.
Oh, yeah? What does a kid like you know about making money?
Little girl, that was the best glass of lemonade I've ever had.
Thank you, sir.
In fact, I liked it so much,
I'm prepared to give you a big sack of money for your recipe.
Ok. Lemons, water, and sugar.
Cool! I'm going to make a money house.
Johnny, you should try being a consultant.
A what... Uh, consultant?
Yeah. Like when I told that guy how to make lemonade.
So a consultant is a guy who tells people what to do?
Well—
hey, I can do that!
You should try a little less Rouge.
That'll be 25 bucks.
Oh!
Don't slouch.
That'll be 25 bucks.
Hey, thanks!
You know what you should do with that money?
What?
Put it in the bank. That'll be 25 bucks.
Hey, thanks.
I know I'm screwing this up somewhere.
Say, mister, you know if you worked out more,
you'd probably be able to chop faster.
That'll be 25 bucks.
Tree killer.
Aw, man. It's already 11:00,
and I still haven't made a dime.
Johnny, America's built on service industries.
You should try doing odd jobs.
You're odd, and you can do jobs.
You mean, get a job to make money?
It's just a concept.
I guess I could find a job.
That's the spirit.
[Telephone rings]
Troubled teen hot line.
Your boyfriend left you?
So, uh, what are you wearing?
What?
Uhh!
Uh, can I have that cut in half?
Sure thing, mamasita.
Hee! Ha! Huh!
Uhh!
Battery tester? Ha ha! How hard could that be?
Good.
Dud.
And that's the last of the fire detectors.
[Moo]
Did you make any money, Johnny?
Ah, no luck, kid.
Little girl, we loved your lemonade so much,
we'll give you a big sack of money to be the national spokesperson
for "little girl" brand lemonade.
Ok.
We'll be here tomorrow for your photo shoot.
Johnny, you don't need to get your mommy
an expensive gift for mother's day.
Just tell her you love her.
Yeah, like that would work.
I'm supposed to just tell her what a great mama she is,
that she makes every day better because I know how she loves me.
I'm supposed to just tell my mama that I love her more than life itself?
I mean, I love her more than anything,
and I—I couldn't even get her a pair of bunny slippers!
Oh, Johnny! Oh!
Aah!
Put me down, mama.
All a mother really wants for mother's day
is to know her child loves her.
Really?
Yes, indeedy, boy.
Love is the perfect gift.
Oh, mama! That's going to make shopping for you this Christmas really cheap.
Hey, baby. Whoa!
Man, I hate women drivers.
Hey there, smart mama.
What are you doing?
Typing recipes?
Actually, I'm using my link to the Internet
to reposition a military laser satellite.
Ooooh!
Oh!
I had this set on "kill."
Ohh!
Johnny: Oh, mama!
I love a chick in a trench coat.
You never know what they got under there.
[British accent] Sir, you need to get out of here.
You're in grave danger.
I sure am, sugar pop—
in danger of falling in love.
Name's bravo. Hyah! Johnny bravo.
And I'm bonded— Jane bonded.
[Alarm]
They're stealing the plutonium. I'm going in.
Freeze, pencilneck.
No tricks!
Oh, sure. Just pick on the nerd,
just because he stole some plutonium for his doomsday device.
Johnny: Don't you worry, baby cakes. I'll handle this one.
No, you fool!
Huh? Oooh!
[Screaming]
Man, British accent: Good lord!
Transform the helicopter and bring her to headquarters.
Yes, sir.
You hit the wrong button!
I can't read these labels.
They're all in Chinese.
Johnny: Let me get this straight.
You guys are spies on a secret mission?
Quite right, Mr. bravo, quite right.
You want to frisk me?
Heee-ya!
Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!
W, I don't understand why this idiot has to work with me.
Jane, secret agent code 14 clearly states—
"when an agent and costar stumble across a villain,
they must both see the case out until its end."
Quite right, Jane.
Johnny: All right!
I guess that makes me the object of desire, huh, baby?
I hate the nineties.
W: These are your weapons,
each of them designed to look like a common everyday—
you are a good-looking sack of man, brother. Ha!
You, there. Careful!
Now, pay attention.
This comb is a bomb.
You comb your hair once to activate it
and twice to deactivate it.
Hee! Ha! Hee! Huh!
No!
Jane: Phew!
Scared you, didn't I?
Observe.
This compact is actually a powerful laser,
and this spray bottle can spritz anything from pepper gas
to neurotoxin to a harmless hair spray.
[Gagging]
Whoops! Had it set for sarin gas.
Whoaahh!
Ohh!
Uhh!
Uh, let's go over the other weapons later.
W-w-works f-f-for me.
W: This is where we're heading—
the lair of Dr. pencilneck.
Inside, he has this device— the look-alike-alator.
The looka-whata-lota?
The like- a lot-alooter?
No. The lator-looter-liker.
I'm pretty sure he said the lookalikae-delangalier.
It doesn't matter what it's called.
It's what it does that matters!
So, what does it do?
We don't know.
But we can be sure that it's something terribly wicked.
Both: Geronimo!
Excellent. Now, change this plane into a helicopter
so we can watch from above.
Good show, pilot.
Jane: This is going to take subtlety and extreme stealth, bravo,
so try not to screw up.
No problem.
Johnny: But those men are going to have to get out of our way.
Hey! You guys!
You think you all can move or something?
We don't want to land on your heads.
Perfect! Why do I always pair up with the dumb blonds?
Soon I will fire my cellular look-a lot-aliker.
The loogie-lift-alator?
No. The lika-loogie-loidle.
All my life, people have teased me because I was small and not pretty,
but when this weapon is fired,
it will make every man and woman look the same—
like me!
[Imitating Jerry lewis] Lady!
Flavin.
Nobody will ever be different.
Nobody will ever be more or less special than anyone else.
We'll all be the same.
Huh! Huh!
That's horrible!
But sadly, very politically correct.
Mister, if you're going to fire that doggie-lifta-legger,
at least let me look at myself one more time before I go.
Oh, all right, but don't try anything smart.
Don't worry.
[Beeping]
Ha!
[Beeping]
Here. Hold this.
You know, I'm really going to miss me.
Hii.. Yah!
Don't move!
Hey, what's a guy got to do to get that kind of attention?
We're ready for pickup, w.
[Bang]
There's our ride.
W: Will somebody please get me a pilot
who can read Chinese?
Pencilneck: Oh, sure. Jail the nerd
just because he wanted to subjugate the world.
Mr. bravo, we're going to ask that you pretend not to know anything
about us or this agency.
Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me,
but I'm going to need some kind of reward for this—
a kiss from the lovely agent Jane.
Now, see here! We can't—
no problem, w.
I can handle this one.
Mmmmm!
Hmm. That's odd.
You didn't use the red lipstick, did you, Jane?
Yeah, but I had it set for—malaria?
Feel... Faint.
Oh!
I have that effect on women, you know.
W: Quite.
Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group and U.S. department of education
captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.
Public performance of captions prohibited without permission of
national captioning institute
ha ha ha ha!