One, two, three...
Way there.
Sassy.
Man, I'm pretty.
Do the monkey with me.
Come on!
Hey there, baby.
Yeah, whatever.
I won!
Oh, happy day!
Fall on your head again, Johnny?
Well, yeah, but that's not why I'm happy.
I won the Why I Like Jerky Essay Contest, sponsored by Jerky Jake's Beef Jerky.
750 pages of literary gold.
You wrote 750 pages?
Ah, sure, it was easy.
I like Jerky Jake's Jerky very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very.
First prize is an all-expenses-paid trip for two to Jerkytown.
I get to meet Jerky Jake himself.
The only question is, who will I take?
Trip for two, huh?
Well, I've always wanted to visit Jerkytown.
Let's see.
Who could I get to go with me?
Been kind of a dream of mine since I was a boy.
I could take the guy who lives in that tree in the park.
I'm myself employed.
I could clear the whole week.
I know.
I'll take my pet fish, Waldo.
Look, just take me, okay?
Take me!
Why?
You want to go?
Here we are, Pops.
Jerkytown, the jerkiest place on Earth.
Look, Johnny, is that who I think it is?
It's Jerky Jake himself.
Hello, my friends.
Welcome.
Well...
I meant to do that.
Well, well, you must be Johnny.
Welcome to Jerkytown, my boy.
You are my king.
And I am your obedient slave.
Rise, Johnny.
I'm just a man.
A man who's carved an empire from dried meat.
Now prepare yourselves, for you're about to see wonders that only a privileged few
of you have been privileged to... They'll just follow me.
Wow, the Hall of Jerky.
Yes, within these walls are honored some of the great men in Jerky history.
This serious-looking fellow is...
Hexapopodes, the first man to eat sun-ripened meat and live.
Ooh, and look, Otto of Dusseldorf.
They say he never stopped chewing.
Do you know what this is, Johnny?
Whoa!
An authentic 1838 Jerky gin.
It made mass production of jerky possible for the first time.
And united a continent!
Hmm, I could use one of those at the diner.
No, Pops.
The Jerky gin is strictly regulated by international law.
That's right, Pops.
I hope you're not one of those industrial spies.
Hmm.
Indeed, your knowledge of jerky is truly impressive, Johnny.
Some people look at jerky and say, why?
I look at jerky and say, hmm, jerky.
You are quite a lad.
Let's have some fun, shall we?
A roller coaster made entirely of jerky.
It'll never hold us.
Don't worry, Pops.
The tensile strength of jerky is 3,000 pounds per square inch.
This is the safest ride in the world.
Buckle up.
It gets a bit rough.
Well, that was fun.
Uh, where exactly are we?
Inside my factory.
The nerve center of Jerky Town.
A river of liquid jerky.
Astounding!
And look.
The famous tiny cowboys of Jerky Town.
Wow.
I-I thought they were just a myth.
Oh, no, Johnny.
They're very real.
What are they doing, Jerky Jake?
They're refilling that machine with my famous ingredient X.
And, uh, what might that be?
No, Pops.
If Jake told people what ingredient X was, anyone could copy his formula.
You are wise, Johnny Bravo.
But how keen is your palate?
See if you can identify these exotic jerky blends.
Santa Fe Serenade 1967.
Sure am.
But how about this one?
Hoboken Heartburn 1989.
Sassy.
Slightly impudent.
Impressive.
But can you identify the flavoring agent?
Xanthium dihexapolysorbinate.
Number?
Number six.
My boy!
My boy.
I've searched for years to find someone to leave my empire to when I'm gone.
Your love of dried meat has convinced me that you are that person.
You mean?
Yes.
I'm going to arrange a press conference and announce you as my rightful heir.
Wait here.
Wow!
Hey, did you hear that, Pops?
I'm going to be a jerky baron.
Yeah, that's aces, Johnny.
I've got to know what Jake's secret ingredient is.
Hey, Pops.
Want to practice bowing before me?
No, son.
I'm going to go get a moist towelette.
Be right back.
I'm going to be king of jerky towns.
I'm going to be... Hey.
Where's Pops?
Pops?
Your king is calling you.
Pops?
Pops, close.
Coming from a secret ingredient machine.
But that means...
And so it is with great pleasure that I announce the name of my heir apparent,
a boy you'll come to know and love.
Jerky Jake's jerky is people.
People, I tells you.
What is the meaning of this?
You fiend!
You ground up Pops and made jerky out of him.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah, Johnny.
What are you talking about?
Pops?
I thought you were ground up and made into ingredient X.
Eh, nonsense.
I just came from Jake's secret ingredient machine.
Turns out ingredient X is vitamin enriched soy cake.
Soy cake?
But that means that... Jerky Jake's jerky is health food!
It's health food, I tells you!
It's a madhouse!
A madhouse!
Well, that was fun.
But I better get home and finish my 800-page manifesto on nachos.
Mmm... nachos.
He's been following me for hours.
He doesn't know I'm onto him, but I am.
Play it cool, Johnny.
Act casual.
Get ready to make your move.
Ah!
I gotcha!
Round one goes to you, Shadow.
Ha-ha!
But the war will be mine.
I gotcha!
Reinforcements.
Huh?
Ooh.
Sorcery.
Ow.
Greetings, people of Earth.
I'm Theremin from the planet Wendy.
I am Johnny from the planet Get Your Escalator Off My Hair.
Oh.
Sorry.
I've traveled many light years to bring mankind the secret of universal peace.
You an alien life form?
I just said that.
Now, about the problems besetting your planet.
You do any tricks?
No.
I can't.
That's very nice.
Now, as I was saying... What's this belt do?
It holds my pants up.
Hey, can I try your hat on?
No!
Get a load of me.
I'm a kooky space man.
Set phasers on wiki.
Now, cut that out.
Look, I've come to your planet to bring an end to war, famine and pestilence.
Give me a dollar.
Oh, by the spiral moons of neptubula, just take me to your leader.
My leader?
Yes.
You know, the person in charge of you.
The one who makes all the decisions about your life.
Oh, you mean mama.
Follow me.
Now, we're getting somewhere.
No, no, no.
Look, I'll say it once again.
Your technology has far outpaced your social evolution.
I'm gonna fix all that.
Hey, mama.
Look at me.
I'm a crazy space man.
Johnny, stop fooling around.
You don't look well, dear.
That's because this carbon-based nitwit keeps asphyxiating me.
Stick out your tongue.
Aw, mama.
Quit babying him.
He's on a mission to bring us some kind of space nachos or something.
Not nachos.
Universal peace.
You see, by disarming the world powers.
You know what always helps me is a spinal adjustment.
Look, I really don't think.
Now, don't worry.
I'm not a chiropractor, but I've seen them on TV.
And X-hanger.
Ah, merciful heavens.
Now, you go lie down for a bit while I brew some herbal tea.
Your leader is ineffectual.
I order you to take me to the United Nations.
The what?
You know, the place where people from different
cultures get together to talk Turkey and settle beefs.
Oh, you mean Pop's Diner.
Follow me.
Couple of root beers, Pops.
Who's your weird little friend, Johnny?
He's a space alien, Pops.
And he has much to teach us about alien chicks and junk.
Tell him, little dude.
Thank you.
Good people of the United Nations.
I come bearing the secret of universal peace.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Just hold on there, little man.
We earth people don't cotton to any kind of extraterrestrial intervention.
We like to do things our way.
No, you don't understand.
I understand this.
You start with your flowery talk about peace and love, and the next thing you
know, we're all being herded into a giant spaceship to be
used as slave labor in one of your intergalactic spice mines.
Oh, look at that.
Hey, hey, hey.
Now cut that out.
Look, do you want the secret of universal peace or not?
Hello, Mama Bear.
This is Red Dog.
How soon can you get an angry mob over to the diner?
Right over here, boys.
Don't worry, little buddy.
Johnny will save you.
Sorry.
Get him!
They're going out the back.
Get him!
They're going out the back.
Now put me down.
Shut up.
I'm saving your life.
Hi, Johnny.
Carl, you gotta help us.
This is... I know.
A highly advanced alien come to bring us a message of universal peace.
How'd you know?
I saw the ship in the park.
I explored it and everything.
Listen, Weed.
There's this angry mob, right?
You know, I've always wanted to meet a highly developed alien.
Live long and prosper.
Nanu, nanu.
Shazbot.
Klaatu Barada Nikto.
What?
Thank you.
My pleasure.
There they are!
Get them!
Let's ride, little guy.
Wait!
I retuned your gyroscopic stabilizer.
It runs better now.
We're almost free!
Uh-oh.
Relay.
Quick, use your magic powers to lift us.
I don't have any magic powers.
Bonner.
Contusion-y.
Oh, that's it.
I've had it.
This planet stinks.
Hold on.
What about your plan to give us space candy and money?
It was universal peace.
And you can't have any.
I'm going back to my planet and telling everyone that your planet is stupid.
And they'll probably blow you up and I'll just laugh and laugh and laugh.
Oh, yeah?
Well, your brain's outside your head.
Ooh!
Hey!
Where's he going?
He's going back to his planet.
He said he hates you.
But he forgot his gyroscopic stabilizer.
Oh, I hate it here.
I wonder whatever happened to that alien dude.
Good night, folks.
Hey there, my little Etruscan honey bun.
Your burly gladiator is here.
I came.
I saw.
I broke a hip.
It's winter loaf night.
Hello, mailbox.
It's winter loaf night.
Hello, adorable puppy.
It's winter loaf night.
Hello, toothless carnet workers.
Why so happy, Keir?
It's winter loaf night.
I'm home, mama.
Wiener loaf me!
So elegant.
So graceful.
Like a sleek jungle cat in Raul.
Oh, Raul, please, you're embarrassing me.
Oh, hello, Johnny.
Where's my wiener loaf?
Oh, I completely forgot.
I was having such a marvelous time.
Oh, you must be Johnny.
I've heard so much about you.
Such a good looking young man.
But how could you not be with such a beautiful mother?
Johnny, this is Raul Montoya, a wealthy South American tire magnet.
He's my new...
Say it, Bonnie.
Say it.
Boyfriend.
No!
When I first met your mother at the nicotine patch
counter at the pick and pay, I knew this was a woman.
I'm hungry.
The face of an angel.
The body of a 57-Dutch dart.
Where's my blankie?
Legs so strong they could kill a zebra with a single kick.
You're not my daddy.
Raul, darling, shouldn't we be heading out?
Yes, Bonnie.
Uh...
I am a little short of cash.
Might I borrow some money to take you on a romantic underlit dinner?
Of course.
I will pay you back with generous interest.
Certainly, Raul, my continental hunk of man pie.
Mama, no!
That's the money you were saving to buy us
that inflatable Native American sweat lodge.
Don't be silly, dear.
Now I've left some powdered soup and stale crackers on top of the microwave.
Good night, um... Johnny!
Johnny?
Right.
Come, Raul.
That low-rent gigolo is romancing my mama to get at her savings.
Telling how low he'll sink.
Or what he might do to her.
Don't worry, mama.
I'll save you!
Mmm.
Soup.
Mmm.
Ay, mi amor.
De noche cuanto me acuesto le rezo la virgen de la Macarena.
What can I get you?
No order for us, Raul.
You're such a gourmand.
I'm thinking of a thin, flaky crust, lightly garnished with oregano,
and just a suggestion of anchovy.
Give me a number seven!
Easy on the chum!
Bunny, my darling, you've hardly touched your diet orange soda.
Oh, you naughty boy.
You know the bubbles make me giddy?
As your love makes me giddy, my Venus in spandex.
Venus.
There they are now.
That dime store Casanova has mama eaten out of his hand.
I'd better stay close so he doesn't try anything funny.
Whoa!
Here's your pie, weasel.
Oh, is there any shredded pimento on the table?
Allow me, my little butter sprite.
I always carry my own private stock.
Aha!
Johnny!
You fiend!
You know mama's allergic to pimento.
That's pine nuts, dear.
Lies!
All lies!
Allow me to splain, Johnny.
Eat marinara, dirt ball.
Sancho balsa!
Johnny!
What are you doing?
Open your eyes, mama.
Raul is just after you for your cookie jar money!
Johnny, if you keep this up, I'm going to have to punish you.
Now, now, Bonnie.
The boy is simply filled with the rambunctiousness of youth.
He'll come to respect me in time.
Eh, Johnny?
Come, my little wood nymph.
The night awaits.
Oh, Raul!
Here's the check, bud.
Oh, he's good.
He's very good.
Bonnie, tonight has been magical and exciting in a very tingly kind of way.
Oh, Raul, I'm falling for you like a bad souffle.
Bonnie... Bésame mucho.
Bésame mucho.
Oh, no!
Frenchy's trying to strangle her.
Whoa!
I'm okay.
Whoops.
The important thing is I saved you from that lying scoundrel.
For your information, Johnny, Raul stopped at the ATM machine and paid me the money
he owed me, plus enough extra, to buy our sweat lodge.
You mean, Raul was on the level?
Ah, mama.
I'm sorry I tried to come between you and your happiness.
Why, you lousy little donkey-headed estupido.
I put up with you for long enough.
Ow.
Unhand him, you nasty finger-pointing beast!
But Bonnie, I hardly touch him.
Eat sky, Caballero!
I call you sometime, okay?
Here's your wienerloaf, baby.
Thanks, mama.
Promise me you'll never let anyone come between us again.
I promise, dear.
I promise.
Look out.
A unveil.
stam, D 9... D 9...