One, two, three!
Way there!
Sassy!
Man, I'm pretty!
Do the monkey with me!
Come on!
Hey there, baby!
Yeah, whatever.
And that's why, to a true ninja, everything is a weapon.
Even this lowly breakfast sausage.
Um, who are you?
See?
Didn't expect that, did you?
Where's Master Hama?
I told you Master Hama ate a bad clam, so I'm in charge.
Now, which one of you maggots thinks he can take me?
You, runty kid.
Get up here and show me what you've got.
Don't be afraid to hurt me.
And... Karate!
His chin is weak, but his skills are deadly.
Class.
Dismissed.
Loser!
I am out of here, jerk!
Hey mister, no dogs allowed.
Many pardon, senor.
I am looking for the karate master.
Let it be me, Frenchy.
I have been searching far and wide for a man such as
you to defend my village against a vicious pandito.
Why don't you just defend yourselves?
We are a village of terrible cowards.
Even the meowing of the tiny kitten makes us cry like little girls.
Boo.
Okay, your story checks out.
So, will you help us, senor?
I don't suppose your village is a glorious paradise
where women abound and nachos flow like wine.
Uh... si.
Then let's ride, amigo.
Well, here we are.
This is your town?
Where is everybody?
They're hiding.
I told you we are a village of cowards.
It's all right, everyone.
This is the hombre who's going to help us.
Welcome to Santo Huchito, senor.
Ow.
Please accept this complimentary gift basket of stale taco shells and scorpions.
Yeah, never mind that.
Where are all the chicks?
Our daughters are locked away out of fear for the bandito muy caliente.
What?
No chicks?
I've had it with you crazy Germans.
I'm out of here.
Arriba, arriba!
Hey, where's everyone going?
It's muy caliente.
He pillages the village every day at three o'clock.
Somebody hide me.
Senor, if you defeat muy caliente, the senoritas will
surround you like the tortilla surrounds the enchilada.
All right!
But to win, I will require three things.
A magnifying glass, a bowl of rice, and the feather of a young condor.
Bang, bang!
Caliente!
Hold it, hombre!
Steady, Bingo.
Steady.
Your horse's name is Bingo?
Si, Bingo is his name, oh?
So, who are you and what do you want?
Come again?
Who are you and what?
I'm not getting you.
Hold on.
I have to take out my retailer.
So who are you?
I'm the guy who's gonna stop your reign of terror.
And how do you propose to do that?
I'll give you this, and some rice, and a pretty feather.
Now I'm going to pinch you, and punch you, and feed you to my horse.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Well, alright then.
Use this lasso.
Thanks.
Bang, bang, bang!
Hola, chica.
Caliente has not seen you around before.
Yes, well, can't talk now.
I have tortillas in the oven.
Come, Conchita, give muy caliente a little kiss.
But I'm too shy and sweaty.
Surely a girl as pretty as you has kissed a man before.
What?
I was young.
It was New Year's Eve.
The cherry cola made me giddy.
For your lunch, I know that voice.
Now you've done it.
Karate!
Now I will make you bark like the dog you are.
Never.
Now chirp like a parakeet.
Now make that clicking noise the dolphins use to find things underwater.
Aye!
Our champion is even more cowardly than we are!
Si!
Compared to such a chicken, we are bored like the wolf!
Get him, mi amigos!
Salindio!
I thought of my kissing head!
Careful of the hat!
Gracias, Johnny Bravo.
You have taught us never to depend on a stranger to fight our battles.
For he may turn out to be a useless jerk.
No problemo.
Now if you'll excuse me.
Hey, mamacitas.
How'd you like a big ol' helven of refried Johnny?
My chihuahua.
Oh no!
I didn't know them little sticks hurt.
Ow!
Keep your eyes out for aphids, Johnny.
Eternal vigilance is our only defense against those pests.
Aw, mama, I feel stupid wearing this.
Why can't it be a nice macho chrysanthemum?
Incoming!
Hey!
Oh!
No!
Oh!
Oh, look!
New neighbors!
Oh!
Stop tossing the ottomans, dear.
Oh, I think we're gonna love it here.
Bienvenido!
Welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm Bunny Bravo.
Mona Hirschbaum had the teaneck Hirschbombs.
Charmed!
Johnny be a dear and help Mrs. Hirschbaum with her boxes.
I don't know.
Give me a dollar.
Mom!
This isn't boxed with all my tight-fitting athletic wear, right?
That's my daughter, Julie.
She's single and plays the tuba like an angel.
Well, aerate my roots and prune my petals.
I think I'm in love.
I'll help you with your boxes, new neighbor lady.
Oh, I'll be careful.
That shipper robe's an heirloom.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, oh, oh, oh dear.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
I'll just carry these in so your gorgeous daughter can tell me where to put them.
Oh, look what you've done, you careless, clumsy, butterfingers.
No one talks to my Johnny that way.
From this moment on, the Bravos and the Hirschbombs are mortal enemies.
Yeah, whatever.
Listen, I'm gonna go in and stare at your daughter.
Come, Johnny.
I don't ever want you to speak to these people again.
But I wanna stare at Julie.
Dear Julie, I love you very, very, very, very, very, very much.
This is the house we will live in when we get married.
This is you making me a sandwich.
Remember, no onions.
This is... Johnny!
Are you talking to that Hirschbombs girl?
No, Mama!
Johnny has a gun.
How about I Bury the rest of your doll collection?
Well, my six-foot reinforced concrete wall is finished.
We'll never have to look at those horrible Hirschbombs again.
Oh, great.
Now what am I gonna do?
If you love someone, Johnny, you should let them know.
What?
You mean you think I should pull vault over the
wall and onto her balcony in a single bound?
Well, I... I'll do it!
Actually, I was gonna suggest a phone call.
Look at her.
She's like some untouchable goddess.
Once I get this bobbed wire hung, those horrible
bravos won't dare to set a foot on my property.
Here I come, my sweet patootie!
Ow.
Hello, Mrs. Hirschbombs.
You're looking lovely today.
Peanut!
Mr. Foo-Foo!
Attack!
Hey!
Whoa!
Watch out!
Oh!
Ouch.
Aw, it's hopeless.
That wall is like some big concrete barrier thing that keeps us apart.
Don't give up, Johnny.
Anything's possible if you really love someone.
You mean I should use your bow and arrow set to launch
myself through the air and into Julie's bedroom?
Um, not exactly.
I'll do it!
Here I come, my brass-blown bonita!
I love you very much!
Ooh!
Why, Mrs. Hirschbaum, what a lovely day.
Would you happen to have a neck brace and a cold compress I could borrow?
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
This is all your fault!
I'm not listening to any more of your stupid advice.
But, Johnny, I was only trying to help.
So you're saying I should rent a German tank and take out the power lines with...
No, no, no, no, no!
Johnny, listen to me.
There's only one option.
Find a way to make peace between the two mamas.
Hmm.
It's just crazy enough to work!
Oh, MacDonald had a farm!
He-I-He-I-Oh, my goodness!
B-I-N-G-O and Bingo was his name!
Oh, my heavens!
A-Phids!
Bunny!
My begonias!
And my azaleas!
One woman alone cannot defeat these six-legged fiends!
We've got to join bosses!
Mona Hirschbaum!
Let's tear down this wall!
No!
Ah!
I'll get the pesticide!
And I'll get the big honking bug sapper!
I bought on sale last week!
What's going on, Johnny?
Well, I took your advice and bought a 20-gallon
drum of aphids and let them loose on the lawn.
Coming your way, buddy!
Bring it on, girlfriend!
Yes!
Bunny?
Yes, Mona?
What does this mean?
I have no idea.
It worked, Johnny!
They're friends again!
Yeah, and I still have 5,000 aphids left, see?
Johnny, what are you?
I confess, I put aphids on your flowers so you'd stop fighting.
I did it!
Because I'm in love with your daughter.
Oh!
Is that the most precious thing you've ever heard?
I would be proud to have a boy like you chasing mindlessly after my daughter.
Mom, what's going on?
Julie?
Yes, Johnny?
Say, you ain't gonna end up looking like your mama, are you?
Excuse me?
Cause you know you're sweet, but she is...
Pucker up.
All them tuba lessons are about to pay off.
You jerk!
Maybe it would be better if we just move.
Keep in touch, dear.
Hey there, my little Etruscan honey bun.
Your burly gladiator is here.
I came, I saw, I broke a hip.
That's it, dig Johnny.
Your sweaty, back-breaking labor may lead to my greatest discovery yet.
Why am I doing all the digging?
Quiet, Johnny, this is science.
There's no complaining in science.
I thought you said we'd find scary dinosaur skeletons here.
All we've found so far is an angry muskrat, this priceless Egyptian pottery,
and these sticks of dynamite.
No skeletons, huh?
Then what do you call this?
What the heck is that?
It's a fragment of the anterior toe bone of a brachiated pooptosaurus.
So?
So he stood over three feet tall, with nasty
green eyes and an annoying high-pitched roar.
Roar!
Whoa!
Oh!
I meant to do that.
Oh my gosh, look at that!
Let me see, let me see, let me see!
Oh!
Johnny, do you realize what you've just found?
No, but I'm sure you're gonna yammer on about it.
It's an artifact from a genuine Bravopithecus.
Perfectly preserved in Amber.
Bravopithecus?
That's right.
After the last ice age, this noble biped bestrode these valleys like a colossus.
Wow.
Did he fight a lot of scary dinosaurs?
Loads of them.
Ah, but you probably don't care about that.
But I do care.
Tell me more, Carl.
Tell me the whole story.
Okay.
A long time ago, in a gene pool far away, evolution had hit a bit of a snag.
Hey, mama, bring me another warthog sandwich.
Johnny, this is your tenth one today.
All you do is sit around the cave all day and eat.
Hey, there's no pickles on this sandwich.
Look around, Johnny.
Everyone on the block is evolving except you.
Your cousin, Grock, just learned to use his opposable thumbs.
And just last week, that nice Cro-Magnon boy, Carl, invented fire and the wheel.
Cook, you stupid marshmallow!
Yeah, but everybody hates him.
Johnny, me and some of the other cavemen are concerned that
your crummy attitude might be angering the spirit world.
I'm afraid that unless you start pulling your weight
around here, we're gonna have to cast you out of the tribe.
Hey, man, if you got a point, could you make it after lunch?
Boys.
Stop!
He's ventured beyond the tree.
No one has ever gone that far and lived.
I'll show you all.
I'll find a tribe that accepts me for who I am.
And when I do, they'll probably make me king.
And I'll come back and make you all dance around like stupid little monkeys.
Dang, I'm hungry.
Hey, a nest.
Nest means eggs.
Eggs means breakfast.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the plasticine era.
Huh?
Aw, look at the cute little things.
Where's your mama, little fellows?
Maybe this is where I belong.
Caring for these defenseless creatures.
Protecting them from the cold.
Teaching them how to make me a sandwich.
Aw, look.
They like me.
Calm down, lady.
I wasn't gonna eat them.
Well, maybe the little one.
Whoa.
I wouldn't mind joining her tribe.
Hey, baby.
How's about letting me be your missing link to love?
Oh, I get it.
You're one of those feminist cave women who likes to make the first move.
No!
Wait!
Isn't there any way I can win your heart?
Well, you could help me get rid of the giant dinosaur that's been terrorizing me.
Anything's better than being thrown off this cliff.
Where is the ugly of varmint?
At the bottom of this cliff.
No!
Hmm.
I'll take it.
Now, where would I be if I were a giant scary dinosaur?
Maybe I can get a better view from this hill.
Man, this hill stinks.
And it's all rough and scaly.
And, uh, breathing.
This won't end well.
No, no, no.
Sorry, fella.
The boys don't like to miss a minute of the manhunt warthog show.
Hold on.
This part's hilarious.
You mean all you do all day is sit around and
watch colorful images on a big square thing?
No.
Sometimes we walk over to the buffet table and make a big cheesy plate of nachos.
Big cheesy plate?
I found my home!
There's a new link in the food chain.
And it's crunchy.
Shoot over, fellas.
And that's why we have snack foods.
So did Bravo Pithy Guy ever go back to his tribe?
Where'd they get the microwaves to cook the nachos?
Did cavemen brush their teeth with rocks?
Uh-huh.
And then the Ice Age hit.
And people used snowballs for money.
And polar bears directed traffic.
And ravenous man-eating chickens roamed the prairies.
None of that story is true, is it, Carl?
No.
I made it all up because I crave attention.
It makes you wonder, doesn't it?
Look out.
Uh-huh.
I made it all.
Mostly.
Whatever.