One, two, three...
Way there.
Sassy.
Man, I'm pretty.
Do the monkey with me.
Come on.
Hey there, baby.
Yeah, whatever.
Oh, you're such a cute little doggy.
Oh, there you go.
Oh, you're such a cute little doggy.
Captain's Diary, 282.1.
Dear Diary, my expedition to the planet Earth has turned up an abundance of
carborundum and some deliciously toothy late-night talk shows.
But I regret to report that the planet has no intelligent life whatsoever.
Johnny Brubble, karate stud.
Aha.
A worthy opponent.
Too bad you don't stand a chance against my thrust of a thousand noodles.
And so Diary.
This mission has been a complete waste.
Engineer, commence transport.
Whoa!
Whiggy.
Did I land in one of them Shakespeare in the Park thingies?
Captain?
Huh?
I'll play along.
Yea, verily, McSquiggy-o.
I am in sooth and whatever.
Mr. Fleen, something weird happened to the Captain during transport.
Report to the bridge immediately.
Follow me, Captain.
Shall I compare thee to a six-foot hoagie?
Thy bread is fresh.
Thy lettuce is more crunchy.
Whoa!
Hey, this isn't Shakespeare in the Park.
Tronoscope readings indicate normal parameters
for cell structure and dinucleic compounds.
But brain function is down to four percent.
Four percent?
That's almost five percent!
Captain, would you turn your head and cough?
All right, now cut it out!
What's with all those scientific gobbledygook and Captain stuff?
Captain, Regulation 50739 explicitly states...
For the last time, I'm not your stupid...
Captain, it's time for your space freighters and hot oil massage.
The Captain is in.
Space.
It's really, really, really, really big.
These are my voyages.
My mission?
To meet alien chicks and drink a lot of space lemonade.
I especially like the lemonade.
You know how they make it up here?
Captain.
First, they squeeze the lemons with laser beams.
Then they add a lot of space sugar to make it all sweet.
Mmm, Captain.
What?
Your loop-the-loops have severely degraded our lithium crystals.
We'll need to rig a bypass circuit to the Heisenberg Compensator.
Hey!
You got more gold thingies on your costume than I do!
Arrest him!
Enemy vessel approaching our zone of comfort on the starboard side, sir.
Spring it up on the widescreen TV.
This stinks.
What else is on?
Weapons are on line.
Our adversary has us at his mercy.
Oh, yeah?
I'll show him who's boss.
I ain't afraid of anything.
No!
Greetings, crew of the Nimrod.
I am Carlock, emperor of Geekdar 5 and destroyer of worlds.
They say snippiness is a dish best served cold.
Well, it's very cold in space.
Carl, you weed.
What are you doing way out here?
I know not this, Carl.
Perhaps you have eaten too many Saurian rum balls.
That's funny.
You look like this creepy geek I know from Earth.
It is possible.
I have traveled the galaxy for eons.
And where my DNA has sprouted, who can say?
Uh-huh.
Well, nice to meet you.
I gotta go now.
Okay, have a nice day.
Hey!
Now you have angered me.
Lower your deflector shields and I may have access to you.
Never!
Then I will smear you across the galaxy.
Ooh.
Do what it says.
But, Captain... Do it!
I have a plan.
Force fields are down.
Good.
Take the crew!
Take the whole ship!
Just don't hurt me!
Huh?
Welcome, my worthy adversary.
Perhaps you are wondering why I have transported us to the surface of this planetoid.
Oh, no!
You're gonna let a space leech burrow into my brain so I'll become your slave!
No, but that's a good idea.
Note to self.
Explore brain leech idea.
Okay, Carlock, what do you want?
I wish to find out who would win in a contest of good and evil.
I shall represent evil.
Joining me on my evil team will be Genghis
Khan and a lizard man from the planet Delector.
Ugly team, more like it.
Joining you on your good team is this 45-pound tenor from the Vienna Boys' Choir.
Dona nobis requiem.
It would appear that good lifts its satiny robes and runs at the sight of evil.
And it would appear that evil needs a bar of soap and a deep gum cleaning.
You laugh!
I subjugated the mongos!
Ah!
Looks like it's just you and me, Captain!
A moment, please, as I prepare for battle.
Whoa!
You wanna put that back on?
Traditional Greco-Bennusian rules apply.
You may find some of my moves quite unconventional.
Like... That chest slap!
Hmm... Owie, owie, owie, owie, owie, owie, owie, owie, owie!
Ha!
It would appear that evil has little girly hands.
Now good will seize the elastic waistband of evil.
Galactic... Owie, owie, owie, owie, owie, owie, owie, owie.
Ha-ha!
I win!
I...
Underestimated you, Captain.
And I commend you for demonstrating mercy towards me.
Why?
I'm not done beating on you.
Hey, what are you doing?
I was just starting to have fun.
You impersonated an officer and commandeered my ship.
Blah, blah, blah.
What are you gonna do?
Strand me on a strange planet with a bunch of horrible aliens?
Forget I said that.
Nice puppy.
Good doggy.
Good boy.
Yes, sweetie.
Mama likes the lightning and hailstones, too.
No, baby.
You're not on solid feet yet.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
Mama likes evil as much as the next person, but you're just too much for me.
Goodbye.
I'll miss you.
Whatever.
Whoa!
It's my delivery from Tainted Seafood of the Month Club.
This month it's squirt clams from the shores of Lodi, New Jersey.
Mmm.
Squirting.
Hey!
Where's my squirt clams?
Hey, what's this?
I can no longer bear the horror I've unleashed upon the world.
Please take good care of little Damien.
He has his father's eyes.
Aw, man.
I don't want to be saddled with no...
Hey there, little fella.
Aw, you poor, bald little bundle of stink.
Don't worry.
Johnny will take care of you.
Yes, he will.
Would you, would you, would you, would you, would you, would you?
No!
You must be hungry.
Let's get you a bottle and me a tourniquet to stem the massive blood loss.
You sit here, you little scamp.
Huh?
What's this?
Hmm.
Baby formula.
Stick around while Johnny makes you some delicious baby slop.
This'll work.
Says here, take the wing of a bat.
Hmm.
I guess these pickles will do.
The crushed eyes of a lizard.
I'll go with the raisins.
And a shriveled weasel paw.
Hmm.
Hey, there's one left.
Sweet.
Smooth.
Open your yap, you little drool monkey.
Here comes the yummy train.
Huh?
Whoa.
There's gotta be a logical explanation for this.
Perhaps an ionized burst of static electricity has
angered the tiny pixies who live in that spoon.
Well, that shoots down that theory.
Great sweat and pack of dirt.
That's astounding.
I thought we lost that egg timer.
There.
Hey.
That can't be child-save.
I'll save you, baby!
Ah!
You know, for a sweet little baby, he has quite a well-developed sense of mischief.
Uh-oh.
Now, where did the little munchkin get to?
Here, little baby!
Now I gotcha!
Look out for those trees!
Stay clear of those electrical wires!
Watch out for that Japanese cargo ship!
What am I, talking to myself here?
That's it, baby.
Johnny's not playing around anymore.
I knew this lint ball would come in handy.
That was a bad idea!
Good thing this concrete broke my fall.
Listen, you.
I've had enough of you and your creepy powers.
We're going home.
And you're going to bed without... Oh, is that a baby?
You want him?
I love babies!
They're so cute and cuddly!
Then it's settled.
He eats bat wings and lizard eyes, and I wouldn't play with knives around him.
Well, gotta be going.
Oh, he's just a little itty-bitty baby, aren't you?
Just a little itty-bitty baby.
Wait!
Come back!
I'll throw in a toaster!
All right, baby, playtime's over!
Come back here, you bad baby!
Bad baby!
Bad, naughty, not very nice baby!
Zombies!
Bummer!
We're surrounded!
There's no possible way we'll ever get out of this situation!
Help!
Hey, thanks for dropping me off at the house instead of eating me and stuff.
No problem.
Cute kid.
All right, baby.
Right to bed with you and no more funny stuff.
What did I just tell you?
Well, maybe just this once.
Mama!
Puddin'.
You the one who left this baby at my doorstep?
Yes, I am.
But I realize even though he's a black-hearted little monster, I couldn't
possibly live without my little Snooki-yukums.
Thank you for taking such good care of him.
Oh, yeah?
Well, your kid's a creepy little dweeb, lady.
In fact, he'll probably start World War III.
You don't like my babies?
Johnny, I'm home!
How was your day, sweetie?
I'd rather not talk about it.
Hey, got any fresh flies in there?
Oh, Johnny.
And now, my science project.
Who is more intelligent?
Johnny Bravo or a common ordinary lab mouse?
Hey, no fair.
Where's my cheese?
For years, scholars and philosophers have been baffled by one burning question.
Where do the tiny people in your TV come from?
Maybe if I follow this wire, it'll lead me to their tiny TV studio.
Hey, when I find them, maybe they'll give me some
tiny t-shirts and little autographs and stuff.
What the?
They must be pulling from the other side.
Stuck up tiny little Hollywood snobs.
Johnny, Johnny, you've gotta help me.
I'm a little busy little girl, what with a concussion and all.
But I've lost my Jiggle Me Jimbo doll.
You've gotta help me find it.
What do I look like, a detective?
Well, Johnny, if you found my Dolly, you would be a detective.
And you know how girls love private eyes.
I'll take the case.
There are a million stories in the Naughty City, and
the case of the missing Dolly was just one of them.
I started where any good private eye would, by looking for clues.
Oh!
Giant ants!
Run for your land!
Clues are scary.
Better stick to digging up suspects.
Hmm, there's a suspicious type.
All right, you.
Where's the Dolly?
Talk or you're going up the river.
Oh!
I'm looking for a Dolly.
Anyone seen it?
Where were you on the night of the 16th?
At home, watching TV.
Really?
Hey, did you see that show about the wacky
Tingblad family who adopt the adorable chimp?
Hey, mister.
I saw your Dolly.
I especially like the part where the chimp tries to make breakfast.
And everything goes topsy-turvy.
I saw who took it, too.
Will you shut up?
I'm telling a funny chimp story.
Oh, mama.
She had long blonde hair and legs for miles.
She was trouble.
Johnny likes trouble.
But, mister.
Out of my way, kid.
You obviously don't know anything.
Excuse me.
I couldn't help noticing you've got long blonde hair and legs for miles.
What's it to you, gumshoe?
Well, I'm a private eye.
And this is the part of the story where you fall in love with me.
Not likely, Snoop.
You gonna tell me what you know?
I ain't no stool pigeon.
Good.
Then I'll have to search ya.
Oh, sick of the hired muscle on me, huh?
Listen to me, you overgrown...
Too bad.
You're kinda cute.
If you wanna talk again, just whistle.
You know how to whistle, don't you?
Hi, Johnny.
How's the case going?
I'm close.
I can feel it.
No, wait.
That's the soda can lodged between my vertebrae.
Johnny, you won't find criminals on a playground.
You've gotta descend into the belly of the beast.
You've gotta walk the seedy rag hole where life's
angry losers based in their own twisted juices.
Hey, I know just the place.
Welcome to Pops.
I'm on a case, Pops.
I'm tracking a devious criminal who's perpetrated a horrible crime.
I was never in Detroit.
I don't know anything about a missing shipment of exotic sea turtles.
Um, actually, it's about a Dolly.
Huh.
Sorry, I don't know anything about it.
Well, maybe this will jog your memory.
Really, Johnny, I don't know a thing.
Ring any bells now?
Drawing a complete blank.
How about now?
Listen, Johnny.
I honestly don't know what you're talking about.
All right, take it.
That's all I have.
Now start singing.
Sorry, son.
I got nothing.
Oh, then can I have my money back?
No.
I don't get it, Pops.
How can I solve this case without doing a lot of work?
Have you tried roughing up some of the lowlifes in the diner?
Thanks, Pops.
You're always there for me.
Don't sweat it, son.
Hey, Bobo.
Close the kitchen.
We're going to the dog tracks.
Now let's see.
Which one of these yeggs should I senselessly rough up?
All right, you.
Tell me what you know and I don't mean tomorrow.
I couldn't help overhearing you mention the doll.
I have information you may find useful.
Not talking, eh?
Maybe these drops of water will loosen your tongue.
No, not the little drops of water.
Talk.
Talk, I said.
You idiot.
I'm trying to help you.
When I need your help, I'll ask for it.
Now tell me what I need to know.
Don't make me use the ketchup.
You leave me no recourse but to call my associate, Otto.
Otto, huh?
Well, bring him on.
I ain't scared of no... Hello, Otto.
I haven't seen you since you beat me to a pole this morning.
You...
Hi, Johnny.
What's the skinny?
I'm off the case.
You can find your own stupid doll.
Don't quit now, Johnny.
I'll double your salary.
But you're not paying me anything.
I'll triple it.
Done.
The rain dripped down like mayonnaise under the giant cheese hoagie of a city gone bad.
I turned the clues over and over until finally the answer hit me.
Oh.
Huh?
I'll just buy what's-her-name a new doll so I can go home and watch television.
Right.
Hey, the lock's been gentle.
It's the blonde lady from the park.
You're in way over your head, Johnny.
Get out while you still can.
Who are those dolls for?
Don't make me get rough.
They're for my sister.
Wise.
They're for my mother.
They're for my sister and my mother.
Stop.
I'll talk.
I'm hoarding them all so I can resell them to kids at jacked-up prices.
You fiend.
But you're never gonna tell anyone.
Say your prayers, Johnny.
Johnny!
We got here just in time.
Actually, a couple of seconds sooner would've been really sweet.
Can you get me off the hook, Johnny?
For old time's sake?
Sorry, toots.
You ran me over with a tiny car.
You're taking a fall.
That's too bad.
Cause it was you I loved, Johnny.
Right from the start.
It was her, officer.
The little annoying kid.
She was behind it all along.
Let's go, sister.
Give her another chance.
She'll be good.
I promise.
It was the kid, I tell you.
She's a criminal mastermind.
Thank goodness I got you back, Jimbo.
Ew, you got all yucky.
Whoah!
Come on!
A bear!
Mosely!
A little pause... A little pause...