One, two, three...
Way there.
Sassy.
Man, I'm pretty.
Do the monkey with me.
Come on.
Hey there, way there.
Yeah, whatever.
Friends, there are three things that have made our town great.
Goat tossing, evil clowns, and ahi tuna.
Today, we honor one of those things.
No, no, no.
I'm talking about the tuna.
So, as mayor of our fine town, I welcome you all to the 16th annual Ahi Tuna Fest.
Let the chowing begin.
Gee, pops.
This is the best Ahi Tuna Fest ever.
You're telling me, Carl.
And when the town gets a load of my tuna tots, it'll put the diner on the map.
I declare this tuna to be the finest I've ever tasted.
Everyone's keeling over from your tuna.
Blasted red tide.
This is terrible, pops.
Every member of the town government has gotten food poisoning.
Pops?
I know not this, pops.
Ah, good gravy!
Who will run the town?
Uh, Wrigley, Carl, the ambulance.
No time, mayor!
I've got to save the town!
Let's see.
It says here in the city charter that if the entire government is rendered sick
from tuna, the village idiot shall be proclaimed mayor.
The village idiot.
Hyah!
Mud angel.
Johnny!
Come quickly!
You're the new acting mayor!
Great!
Let me run home and get my snowshoes and a towel gratter.
Uh, no, mayor.
Oh, right.
Hey, how'd this happen?
Well, the city charter said that the village idiot...
I mean, you're the best man for the job.
Those people have spoken.
Let's motor.
Do you swear to uphold the duties of mayor to the best of
your obviously limited abilities till death do you part?
Blah, blah, blah.
When do I get my graft?
Congratulations!
You're the new mayor!
My administration can be summed up in three words.
Mandatory bikinis.
Actually, I had a few ideas of my own.
As indicated by these color charts.
The first thing we need to do is construct a new stadium to
accommodate the fast-growing sport of professional bingo.
Then we use the proceeds we make from the bingo
to build a giant state-of-the-art spaceport.
So that our town will be the UFO capital of the 21st century.
So, as you see... Done!
Really?
You like my ideas?
No, I just passed my new law decreeing that all geeky dweebs be thrown in prison.
Oh, ha, ha.
Very funny.
I got those locked up in prison cause of a retroactive clause in the town's criminal
code and can't make the prohibitively high bail blues.
And now, here to dedicate the new public library is our mayor, Johnny Bravo.
Thanks, Tubby.
As you know, no one hates books more than I do.
Therefore, I've ordered this library to be torn down in
order to make room for a giant sphinx in my likeness.
Well, what the heck are you standing around for?
Sphinxes don't build themselves, you know.
Hey, put your backs into it.
I love public service.
Kill me a puff of granite.
Johnny?
I got a bone to pick with you.
You may approach.
Johnny, your health inspectors tried to close down the diner.
Because of the asbestos and the chili?
No, it was the radon and the meatloaf, but that's not the point.
The point is, I had to bribe them over $200 to go away.
And?
Well, the old mayor only charged me 50.
Sorry, pops.
It's time for my pedicure and hot lemon wax.
Why, this is outrageous!
I'm a taxpayer and I demand to speak to the city council!
All right, I'll summon them.
You know, you don't have to do that every time they walk in.
I'm free!
Ah!
Sweet freedom!
This is terrible!
Oh, this is all wrong!
A true sphinx should face north-northeast.
And those proportions are way off.
Workers of the town!
Unite!
Get down from there, Carl!
Would you bring more evil upon us?
No!
I would bring you freedom!
Are you dogs or men?
Are you worker ants or the majestic butterfly?
Are you tiny one-celled protozoans who use
their hair like Scylla as means of propulsion?
Oh, just get to the point!
I... I... think we should rebel?
Johnny, you mean to tell me you replaced the entire city council with gorgeous babes?
Yep.
Good work, son.
Stop!
In the name of democracy!
Ha!
What's the meaning of this?
We're deposing you for abusing the powers of your office!
Uh-oh.
Quick girls, enter the vaults and get the car running.
I'll meet you down by the submarine docks.
Hold, tyrant!
You guys are gonna get so audited!
We fear you not, despot!
For we are the people!
We came to these shores with our socks full of prunes and our hearts full of dreams!
We worked the land until it brought forth
its bounty of pine nuts and wonderful onions!
And still, to this day, we cry out as one people!
Liberté!
Egalité!
Fraternit!
I'm okay!
Good work, citizens!
Now get back to cracking rocks!
Get him!
Wait, wait!
Hold on, I'm the mayor!
How can you do this after all I've done for you?
Who's helped the plight of hot babes everywhere?
Why, who tore down all those ugly hospitals and sold our fine parks for lumber?
You're gonna hurt me now, aren't you?
Oh, well.
Many great leaders were underappreciated during their lifetimes.
Genghis Khan, Attila the Hun.
I'm sure history will remember me kindly.
Boo!
Okay, lady, just... not the hair, not the hair!
Anything but... I just got it waxed!
Whoa!
Excuse me.
I couldn't help noticing I've been staring at you for the last 20 minutes.
So, tell me about yourself.
Well, I...
You know, when I was five, I kept a live salamander in my mouth for an entire month.
Here, let me test this for you.
You know, if you had your nose done, you'd be an ape.
Playful little minx.
You know what you need, Johnny?
Is a good 10 cent Cologne.
Really?
Uh-huh.
And as the neighborhood rep for Chemtox
Industries, I have an amazing opportunity for you.
Sign here and receive a new exotic cent on your
doorstep every month for the extra low price of...
Revulsion.
Grit.
Honeymoon in Calcutta?
Sounds good, I'll try them all.
Go easy, son.
It's never been tested on humans.
I... I don't feel so good.
I need some air.
Wait!
Don't forget to sign!
Peasant, how dare you fail to bow before me!
I'm King Leopold of the Netherlands, famous throughout the world for inventing cheese!
Uh... Sure, your majesty.
Now, if you could just sign this decree!
Sorry, no can do.
I'm late for my coronation.
I see you've got my robes and scepter ready.
I'll just put you down for a three-month supply.
Good people of the Netherlands, follow me!
I shall take you to higher ground.
Ah!
Ah, Count Murray!
Kneel before me that I may knight you.
Receive from me all the lands west of the bowling alley in perpetuity for the unbind.
Your majesty.
I remain your obedient servant.
Good count.
Have a count, yummy.
Ah, my subjects love me!
Do you hear me, Cedric of Northumberland?
The final victory is mine!
Mine!
A wheel of brie for all of my men.
Sir, wake up, sir.
What?
Huh?
What?
Are you the queen of Limburger?
No.
I'm Sister Sarah Hershlinger, and you're at Treacle House.
How did I get here?
You were brought in two days ago after a bout of Cologne-induced hysteria.
I nursed you back to health.
Cool.
That means you dig me.
But enough about me.
Tell me about you.
Well, I...
You know, when I was 12, I was kicked real hard in the head at a pony farm.
Ah, someone's raving again.
Let's get you up and walking.
Established in 1932, Treacle House helps down on their luck nice people who want to
be nice to other nice people in a nice atmosphere.
Chair?
Why, thank you.
How nice of you to say thank you.
How pleasant of you to be thanked, Muffet.
Thank you.
That's just creepy.
Hey, what say we go back to my room and you give me some more of that fancy nursing?
I'm sorry, Johnny.
I only date nice men with noble spirits.
I'm nice.
I'm noble.
Hey, watch where you're going, etiquette monkey.
See?
I can be nice.
Just give me a chance.
Well... Okay.
If you can show me the kind of Patience that... Give it!
Out of my way, you losers.
Nice guy coming through.
Help those in need.
Creep.
Give till it hurts.
Why, you cheap so-and-so.
Hey, you!
Give me some money for the needy.
I'm sorry.
I give generously every year to my office Christmas fund.
Yeah, and I'm a Dallas cowgirl.
Now make with a dead president.
And just what do you think you're doing?
Oh, hello, officer.
Huh?
Have you given lately?
No, I haven't.
Why, you stinging no good.
And if I catch any of your people fundraising on the streets again,
it'll be off to the host cow witches.
Every time I try to fight the power, the man slaps me down.
That's all right, Johnny.
I wouldn't be much of a nice person if I didn't give you another chance.
Well, that's the kind of pig-headed ignorance I... Oh, thank you.
For today's noontime entertainment, the Green Grove Retirement Home presents
the comedy stylings of Johnny Bravo and Chippy.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
So, Chippy, what's it like to be a dummy?
You told me, you dumb hump.
What?
I'm tired of your sass.
I'm trying to entertain these nice old people, and you make me look like a fool.
Oh, I am sick of you.
For years you've held me back.
Chippy.
No.
What have I done?
Chippy!
What are you looking at?
Stop staring at me with your accusing eyes.
Stop it, I see!
And so, we'd appreciate it if no one from Treacle House ever comes here again!
Oh, Johnny.
I know you must be crestfallen by this new failure.
I'm sorry, Sarah.
I know you have a good heart, so I'm going to give you... Another chance!
Sweet!
You know, you nice people aren't as bright as you look.
Another chance.
That's rich.
Good morning!
Gosh!
Johnny, what are you doing?
Hello, Sarah.
I woke up at 5 A.M.
to make a pancake breakfast for the whole house.
Clear the rest of the day of her romance, because Johnny is nice.
Where did you get all the pancake mix?
I didn't use pancake mix.
I use my own recipe.
Three parts yeast, eight parts yeast, and yeast to taste.
Treacle House is ruined!
Oh, this is terrible.
We don't have nearly enough maple syrup.
I guess I failed again.
Don't despair, Johnny.
I know one good thing that's come from all this.
What's that?
I realize I've wasted my life trying to help idiots like you!
Man, that felt good.
So long, loser!
I'm off to shave my head and join a heavy metal rock band!
Hey, you got some pancake on your shirt?
Huh?
Where?
Why do I always fall for the bad girls?
Bendy.
Here I am, girls.
Let the yoga class begin.
Look at me, girls.
I'ma love pretzel.
Funny.
I don't feel centered.
Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom!
Whoa!
Hey, baby.
I know what you're thinking.
He's a rebel.
A bad boy.
Trouble with a capital T.
Actually, I was thinking, get away from me.
I'm trying to read.
Admit it.
You've never seen such an impressive pile of greasy, shiny, turning, medley things.
No, it sounds like your points need cleaning
and your governor could use an adjustment.
Here, let me.
I think I'm okay.
What do you think, little scooter pixies?
Huh?
The Dandy 500.
That's it.
That's what chicks like.
Billboards.
I mean, race car drivers.
First, I need a car.
I know.
I'll enter the Dandy 500, win it, and use the
prize money to buy a car to race in the Dandy 500.
Only one problem.
I don't have a car.
Aw, man.
This car seed ain't never gonna grow.
Maybe I'll just get some shut-eye against this car-shaped thing.
Car-shaped thing?
Hmm.
Don't ever look under that car-shaped tarp.
Don't even ask me about that car-shaped tarp.
Never, ever look under it.
The tarp, I mean.
There must be candy under here.
Aw, man.
It's nothing but a stupid car.
Car!
Humphie.
Listen to it purr.
Nice handling.
Meeny, meeny, miny.
Hey, I'm pretty.
Fourth floor, glassware.
Fifth floor, chandeliers.
Sixth floor, expensive crockery.
Oh.
Hey, I'm Kal-El Park.
Hi, Johnny.
Wow.
A 57 Kefauver stool pigeon.
Only seven of them were ever made.
Yep.
This baby's gonna ride me to victory in the dandy 500.
With a cracked manifold and a wookity head gasket?
I don't think so, Mr. Fancy Pants.
What'd you just call me?
But I can fix it up and stick in a new multi-combustible fishing engine.
Really?
Sweet.
Keep running, Johnny.
We need more power.
Let's think.
When do I get to drive?
The Chick Magnet Five.
It's almost as pretty as me.
You're probably wondering how to thank me for... Shut up and give me the keys.
It is a beautiful day for the dandy 500 as we await
the arrival of a mysterious last-minute entry.
And there it is now, the Chick Magnet Five with Johnny Bravo behind the wheel.
Pearl, how did you teach Johnny to drive that way?
I didn't, Pops.
Johnny has the driving skills of a deranged howler monkey.
So I installed a remote control that'll let me steer from the sidelines.
And then... And it is a lightning-fast start as Johnny Bravo takes an early lead.
Get a load of me.
I'm a fancy-pants race driver.
Now I know I left my thigh-meister in here someplace.
Oh, no!
Someone took the 57 stool pigeon!
They're tampering with forces they don't understand!
It's a good thing I've got my Yo-Jack vehicle-locating device!
Good gravy!
Somebody's driving it right now!
At the speedway.
Get ready, Pops!
I'm bringing them in for a pit stop!
Right on!
Ugh, Carl, I was having the most wonderful dream!
Focus, Johnny!
Focus!
He's good to go!
Can I try driving with my teeth?
Uh, yeah.
Whoa!
We got this in the bag, son!
I'm puffing the cider!
Pop!
No!
This won't end well.
It appears that the Chick Magnet Five is completely out of control!
That's the stool pigeon!
And my Johnny!
Oh, don't blame out, darling!
Mama's coming!
Mama, what are you doing here?
Shove over, sweetie!
Let Mama drive!
Eat my dust, speed jockeys!
And suddenly, almost as if a real driver had taken control from a total idiot,
the Chick Magnet Five takes the lead!
We win, Pops!
Gee, Mama, I didn't know you knew how to drive race cars.
Oh, sure, honey.
I worked the pro circuit back during the war
when there were no men around to burn rubber.
Yeah, well, that's very interesting.
But what matters is that I won the race!
I'm a professional driver, and chicks are gonna love me!
Not so fast, Mr. Sticky Fingers!
In my house, Grand Theft Auto means chores for a week!
Ah!
Chores for a week!
And you, Mr. Installs Nuclear Engines in other people's cars, you're gonna help him!
You're gonna help him!
Oh, Mama!
But I'm a professional race car driver!
Look out!
Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup.
Oh, babe.
Mostly.
Whatever.