One, two, three!
Baby!
Sassy!
Man, I'm pretty!
Do the monkey with me!
Come on!
Hey there, baby!
Yeah, whatever.
Yes, who are you?
Johnny?
No, that's my name.
No, I'm Susie, your neighbor for 18 years.
Oh, I remember you.
You're that annoying little neighbor girl.
Cut off my lawn!
Yes, who are you?
These are underwater photos of the tour boat, Moronic.
My real estate conglomerate found the wreck when we were putting in lakeside condos.
Who are you?
Uh, okay.
And inside the Moronic's Got It Hall, we found this.
It's my squint ring-o decoder ring!
I gave it to her those many years ago.
Why, I remember it like it was happening in a flashback.
No, Johnny, I can't wait!
A three-hour tour of Gutter Bay!
It's going to be wonderful!
And by wonderful, you mean it'll bite?
Why do we have to get the $2 tickets?
Can't we at least take the $15 deluxe tour?
Those aren't our kind of people, Johnny.
Besides, I have coupons.
Well, I don't want to go on some stupid boring all day stupid...
She's like some sort of beautiful rich chick with blowing hair walking up a ramp.
Hurry, Johnny!
Only the first 50 passengers get beans and millet.
More hot dogs, madam.
No luck, eh, old-timer?
What do you mean?
That's a quarter ounce, sir.
Third class stinks!
If only I could be with that rich chick.
Let's see, how can I meet her?
I know!
I'll rent an Apache helicopter and disguise myself as the president of Alaska!
Then at my first press conference, she'll see me on TV, fall in love,
and we'll fly away to a romantic treehouse in the jungle!
Hello.
I do so hate formal lunches, don't you?
Uh, yeah, I guess so.
I never know which hand to eat the hot dog with.
Oh, you're so delightfully free of pretensions.
I'm Sheila.
I'm Johnny.
Wanna see me do this?
Oh, Johnny, you're not like the other men here in first class.
I'm tempted to rebel against my stuffy, high-class upbringing... and date you.
Huh?
You know I get that all the time.
Sheila, prepare to be romance Johnny-style.
Done!
Look at me, Sheila!
I'm king of the world!
Ooh!
Sheila, I wanna give you something.
It's my squint Ringo decoder ring!
Oh, Johnny!
Now I'm just letting you hold it.
It's not a gift.
You can borrow it, but I want it back.
It's still mine.
Oh, Johnny!
Follow me.
We can be alone here.
I don't get it.
Where's the captain?
Come on.
You know why I brought you here, Johnny.
Uh... To play with all the cool shiny gadgets?
Look at me, Sheila!
I'm driving a boat!
Uh... I don't know if you should be touching that stuff.
Ah, don't worry.
It's not like I'm gonna crash into anything.
Tin can!
Get ahead!
Don't worry, Johnny.
If we stick together, we can... Ah!
Get out of my way!
Johnny!
Here, Johnny!
Thanks, Mama.
Man, too bad about what's-her-name.
It's a good thing I didn't give her my squint Ringo decoder ring!
Johnny!
Where are you going?
Hi, Sheila.
Oh, hi.
Can I join you?
Nah.
But you got plenty of room in there.
Oh, I kinda like to stretch out.
Oh, well.
Can I have my ring back?
No, you gave it to me.
What?
I specifically said I was lending it.
Lending!
Fine, you dope!
My ring!
No!
It's gone.
Gone!
Oh, sweet heavens!
Why couldn't it have been me?
I don't wanna live!
Johnny, dear!
Let's go, darling!
The Coast Guard has free donuts for us up on shore.
And I never saw Sheila again.
Well, Johnny, I have a little surprise for you.
Sheila!
Hello, Johnny.
I want to tell you how sorry I am for the way I treated you that day.
Really?
Okay.
Then maybe you'd like to practice CPR on me, baby.
Ha!
Oh!
You're still a pig!
Now give me back the ring you gave me!
I was just lending it to you!
Oh!
La-la-la-la-la-la...
It was all your fault.
No, it was all your fault!
Why must we constantly assign blame?
I'll zip it, dweeb.
Oh, why don't you zip it?
I hate you both.
You're always ruining everything.
Kids, kids, what in the name of pile Dacron is going on here?
I thought you were all playing nice in the park.
I was, but he never stopped to consider Sparkly's feelings.
He is a very sensitive robot.
Well, you see, idiot boy here sicked his stupid robot on me and made me crash into
a tree, just as I was making time with a pretty Betty.
Everything was fine until the bees attacked and we had to save my dolls.
One at a time, kids, one at a time!
Susie, why don't you start?
Gladly, Mrs. Bravo.
I was having a tea party with my dollies in the park
when I saw Johnny making goo goo eyes with a lady.
I love you, said Johnny.
I'm sorry, said the lady, but I'm still exploring my sense of personhood.
Let's just be friends.
Then Johnny threw a tantrum.
I don't want to be friends, he said.
So, he decided to jump in the lake and hold his
breath until the lady promised to go out with him.
But that wasn't about to happen.
Minutes later, Johnny stumbled out of the
lake, covered with algae and gasping for air.
Carl, who was nearby playing with his robot,
that's what computer nerds call their dollies.
Saw how wet and depressed Johnny was, so he
sent his robot over to give Johnny a big hug.
He knocked a beehive right out of a tree and onto my blanket.
I grabbed Teddy and Mrs. Kensington and ran.
Suddenly, the sky opened and a beautiful unicorn galloped down on a rainbow.
It lifted us onto its back just in time to save us from the beast.
Johnny tried to steal the unicorn's horn to sell it on the black market.
So, the unicorn trampled all over Johnny's spine, and I don't blame him.
That's a lie.
You'll hear from my lawyer.
Then I'll countersue.
You're a stupid head.
You're a stupid, stupid head.
You're a stupid head times ten.
You're a stupid head exponentially to the ninth level.
You make it sound like it was my robot's fault, but it wasn't.
Kids, kids, simmer down.
Carl, you're a sensible young man.
Let's hear your story.
Okay.
My beginnings were very humble.
I was born in a log cabin.
My father split silicon chips for a living.
Skip ahead a bit, darling.
Oh, right, the park.
Johnny was playing with me and my robot, Sparkly, when a hussy lady appeared and
asked Johnny to abandon me and come play with her.
But Johnny said, no, go away.
Carl is my best friend in the whole world.
This made the hussy lady angry and jealous,
so she took Johnny and threw him in the lake.
Help me, Carl.
Help me.
I don't know what happened to Johnny then, but he must have disturbed a horrible
algae monster, because that's what came up out of the lake.
It ran amuck and began to terrorize the community.
Thinking quickly, I ordered Sparkly to attack, and
Sparkly and the monster began fighting to the death.
Help!
Then, one of Sparkly's ravines accidentally
hit a beehive, and the bees came pouring out.
Using animal language, the bees asked a friendly
policeman on a horse to help conquer the monster.
He agreed, and trampled the monster into submission.
It's a lie!
Please, Johnny, let Carl finish.
I'm done.
Good, because that's the biggest piece of baloney I ever heard.
Well, Johnny, why don't you tell us what happened?
I'd be happy to.
I was in the park, having just defeated a ninja warlord, when suddenly a gorgeous
international model came up and threw her arms around me.
Marry me, she said, for you are like some shining,
gleaming man-god, and I can't live without you.
So I dove into the lake to find an oyster with an engagement ring in it.
When suddenly, I heard her shouting.
Help me, Johnny, she cried.
Save me from Carl's stupid robot!
Thinking quickly...
Ah, I said thinking quickly... Oh, yeah.
I grabbed a beehive and chucked it at the robot.
The model lady smothered me with kisses.
But by then, I realized, I'm too pretty to be tied down to just one woman.
Oh, yeah.
I will not be second to you, she said.
Then she summoned a horrible rabid donkey.
Who trampled me again, and again, and again, and again, and again!
Huh?
Oh, very interesting.
Especially the part where Raul takes his shirt off.
That's not quite how I remember it, Johnny.
That is so what happened!
No way!
You didn't even mention the algae monster!
Maybe that's because there was no algae monster, you weed!
Why don't you just grow up, hey, hey, hey!
You shut up!
No, you make me!
Children!
I believe all your stories.
Huh?
As the German philosopher, Ernst Heidegger, tells us...
Did I mention I defeated a ninja?
Translate it.
That means all points of view are equally valid.
Now, why don't we leave all our preconceived notions at the door,
and head in for some milk and cookies!
Yay!
Hey there, my little Etruscan honey bun, your burly gladiator is here.
Boom!
Hit!
Ah!
Oh!
I came.
I saw.
I broke a hip.
Mm-hmm.
Golly, this is the bestest Weasel Roundup ever!
Ah!
Get off of me, you vicious little varmint!
Ah-ha!
I gotcha!
Oh!
Stop the senseless harassment of innocent weasels!
End the ritualistic cruelty to our animal friends!
Lady, what are you doing?
You're ruining the Weasel Roundup!
It's nothing but a vicious display of macho posturing!
Yes, and one of our town's most cherished traditions.
Don't you realize these animals are deeply traumatized by your barbaric oppression?
Why, that's terrible!
So if I'm nice to a bunch of rabid wildlife, you go out with me.
Ha-ha!
Boom!
If you'd spend more time rescuing helpless animals instead of oppressing them,
maybe I'd think differently of you.
Hmm.
Apparently the plight of endangered animals is my ticket to Chickville.
Be free, little goldfish!
Return to your natural spawning ground!
The way that chick who was hitting on me in the park was right!
Being nice to animals does feel good!
And yet, it seems I can do so much more.
Piñata!
Aw, look!
That annoying little neighbor kid's having a birthday party.
Piñata!
Get your sticks ready, everyone!
Yeah!
What are they doing?
Stop!
I order you to release this poor defenseless...
What the heck is this thing, anyway?
It's a piñata, Johnny.
What's a piñata?
Here, we'll show you.
No!
I'm taking this creature far away where none of you can hurt him!
Johnny!
We're just gonna beat his head open and feast on the delicious treats inside!
You fiends!
You sit right here.
I'm gonna call you Pookie!
Did the evil girls hurt you, little fella?
Who's a little Pookie?
Poor little guy.
Must be in shock.
Wait till I show Johnny my coat of living weasels.
Is that Johnny Bravo?
I can't believe he took our piñata.
We've gotta get it back.
Oh, my gosh!
I'd better warn Johnny!
You're an odd little fella Pookie, with your
pink polka dots and paper mache exoskeleton.
Johnny!
There's a posse of young girls heading this way to... Hey, piñata!
Luckily, I keep a stick and blindfold handy for just such an occasion.
No!
Hey, cut it out!
Don't stop!
I'm trying to rescue this piñata and return him to the wild.
Silly Johnny!
A piñata is a traditional Mexican party favor.
No!
Mexican, huh?
In Mexico it is!
Fuevos con carne, you weed!
Johnny!
Achem!
Two tickets to Mexico, please.
One adult and one child.
Hey, piñata!
Don't!
Ah!
Boo!
No, not you too!
It's not a piñata!
It's my little nephew.
Um, uh, Jorge.
Alright, but don't blame me if the passengers try to
open his head and feast on the delicious treats inside.
Cool!
Stop!
What will the world be like when the last piñata is gone?
When their noble cries cease to echo throughout the forest?
For are we not all animals in the gra-Oh!
To the bikes!
Soon you'll be home, Pookie.
And I'll be adored by animal activist chicks everywhere.
You might have to beat them away from me with a stick.
Okay.
The name of the game is Pinacle.
No, Pookie, I told you.
You can't lead with a club.
Whoa!
Look, everyone!
It's a piñata!
Fellow passengers, pummel not this gentle piñata.
For years, these majestic creatures swam our oceans,
sifting krill through their tiny krill-sifting antennae.
From time immemorial, which basically means a really long time ago, they
uphauled our vegetables, protected our children, fetched our papers, and kept us
warm when the sun's life-giving rays grew down.
Yes, once, they covered the plains of Florida and outer
Mongolia, these noble mountains of horn, hide, and papier-mache.
But greed and bratty little girls have reduced their once mighty herd to naught.
And so, do not let future generations say to you, Hey, you big
jerk, I hope you're happy you whacked all the stupid piñatas.
Oh, would you shut up?
Whoa!
Mexico, 30 feet!
Pookie, you're almost home.
Uh-oh.
Don't worry, Pookie.
I won't let them get you.
Pookie!
We made it!
You're free!
Run wild, untamed beast!
Hey, candy!
Hey, piñata!
Look out.
Whoa!
We made it!
Hop!
Look out!
Woo!