One, two, three.
Way there.
Sassy.
Man, I'm pretty.
Do the monkey with me.
Come on.
Hey there, baby.
Yeah, whatever.
There comes a time in a man's life when he has to settle down.
Leave behind, childish things.
That's why I gotta find one of them magical frog princesses to kiss.
Whoa!
It's a real meat market around here.
Hey, baby, I love your skin.
It's so green and mucousy.
How about a little kiss?
Mwah!
Ah!
Tongue!
My glasses!
I can't be seen without my glasses!
Especially not in front of all these chicks.
Ah!
Dang.
My magic kiss worked.
Hey, froggy mama.
Ha!
Let's go back to my place.
I'll whip you up a nice bowl of flies.
Look, I don't have time for this.
I'm late for a gig.
Oh, I get it.
Pulling out for a bucket of crickets.
Ah!
Wait!
Hold up!
You can't run from our love, my amphibious little ginger snap.
What's going on here?
Some kind of hippie flea market?
How do I do it?
By being a loser and having a lot of free time.
Hello, young master.
Be prepared to enjoy yourself in our gentle fair.
Stop it!
Sorry.
Don't know what came over me.
Wait a minute.
Jugglers?
Stupid clothes?
Bad music?
There's only one explanation.
I must have followed that frog chick back through one of the magic time portals.
I'm in the Middle Ages.
Wiggy.
These Ranasau's festival costumes get more uncomfortable every year.
Stop complaining, Brad.
Uh-uh-uh-uh.
I mean, your majesty.
With my superior 20th century knowledge, I
can easily conquer them and become their king!
Let the annoying puppet show begin.
Sire!
The peasants are revolting!
Shh!
You'll hurt their feelings!
Out of my way, puppet boy!
Citizens of the Middle Ages, I am a powerful and really scary wizard!
Who is this guy?
I think he works with Jerry in accounting.
I bring you wonders your minds cannot begin to grasp.
For example, the ballpoint pen!
Worship me!
Look, could you move it along?
My kid's softball game is at five.
Not crazy about the pen, huh?
That's okay.
I have other astounding marvels like this string!
Worship me!
Gods, remove him.
You mean you're not gonna make me your king?
Oh, heavens no.
Yeah.
You got any other jobs?
Baron?
Warlord?
Come on, toss me in a state!
Well, we could always use another Jester.
No way!
I ain't gonna be your little sing-and-dancing laughy boy.
Then we'll have to cut off your head.
Oh, Johnny likes to laugh and sing.
Doo-dah, doo-dah.
Hey, you are such a handsome king.
Oh, the doo-dah.
Bleh.
Aw, man.
The middle ages stink.
I'm gonna hail a cab.
Help!
Hey!
It's the frog chick from the pond!
I'll save you, frog chick!
I'll save you.
Do I get a wish?
Jerk!
You ruined the whole bit!
Thou hast come between the Black Knight and his prey.
Prepare to defend thyself.
Yeah, whatever.
Look, shouldn't you be off second towns and pillaging stuff?
Aren't thou a coward?
No one calls me a coward.
Spinalest mama's boy I get sometimes, but never coward!
Then I challenge thee to a joust!
Oh, we'll joust, all right.
We'll have the joustiest joust in all of joustitude.
Then you'll say, man, that guy can joust!
What's a joust?
So let me get this straight.
The guy who doesn't get a Lance through his chest is the winner?
Yes, but the loser dies a heroic death.
Uh-huh.
How about if we just shoot some hoops?
Let the joust begin!
Um, sometime today.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Uh-oh!
You can do this, Johnny.
You just need to apply the skills you've learned during a lifetime of... Whoa!
Whoa!
Oh!
Better switch to plan B.
Please don't hurt me!
I wasn't gonna hurt you, Johnny.
Carl?
Hey, you should have those bruises looked at.
Isn't this the best Renaissance Carnival ever?
Renaissance Carnival?
You mean we're not in the Middle Ages?
Middle Ages?
You're funny!
Hey, have you tried the sweet bread stand?
They take an actual sheep's pancreas, smother it in honey, and...
Johnny, where are we going?
Hey, you're not mad at me, are you?
No!
And as for the rest of you, why don't you dweebs all get real jobs instead of
dressing up in your grandma's clothes and walking around saying, look at me?
I'm a stupid medieval guy who wears makeup and juggles!
Hey, let go!
Get your hands off me!
You know, I didn't mean you were dweebs.
I was talking about those, uh, Civil War reenactment nerds.
Yeah!
This won't end well.
Aw, man, and I just washed my hair.
And so, with the signing of this treaty, red ants
and black ants can finally live together... in peace.
Yes.
No longer need we waste our lives in senseless warfare.
This is your treachery!
To war!
I will drink from your exoskeleton!
My plan is working.
Soon, the reflection from these ants will burn a hole in the sun!
Johnny, Johnny, you gotta help me!
Careful, kid.
This is a very delicate situation.
The slightest wrong move could ruin everything!
But smelly raven's throwing water balloons at me.
Aw, he probably has a crush on you.
Shut up!
He does not!
Look, kid, get lost!
I'm busy!
No!
Nyah-nyah!
Thanks, smelly raven.
You saved my life!
In all, a guy could perceive that last balloon as an insult.
Okay, now that was no coincidence.
You know, this means war!
Johnny, I think you're taking this a little too seriously.
Quiet!
I've triangulated his position.
You make a feint around to his left, and we'll ambush him.
All right, but do you really need those night vision goggles?
Sure.
They work especially well in the daytime.
Ah!
I'm blind!
Ah!
Too much light!
Okay, the battle is yours, Raymond.
But it's just one battle in a huge battle-y war thing with lots of other... battles.
And... I have tried to assemble the finest fighting force this block has ever seen.
Unfortunately, all I could find was you.
Push out that chest!
Suck in that gun!
Give me a dollar!
But I just gave you a dollar to buy that girl's swimming medal.
Silence!
I am Colonel Johnny Brubble.
And you are three sorry sacks of chicken livers.
What are you, soldier?
A sorry sack of chicken livers, sir!
Correct!
Now it's my misfortune to train you, sorry creatures.
You will hurt!
You will cry for your mummies!
My mummies been to France.
Great!
You made me lose my place, you weed!
Something about chicken livers.
Right!
Now let us proceed to the training course.
And when I am done, you will be men!
Or... Well... Two men and a little girl.
I think you know what I mean.
To survive a water balloon fight, you must learn to hit a target.
When I say now, you will hurl your balloons at the bullseye.
Now... I... No, not now!
Not the now that...
Now just hold on a...
This may take a while.
Johnny, this camouflage will never work!
The rhododendron germanium isn't even native to this part of the country!
Shut up!
They'll hear you.
The enemy is everywhere... and nowhere.
So where is he?
I don't know, he's somewhere.
Water in the hole!
We're surrounded!
Susie, circle around their flank!
Carl, bring up the rear!
I'll scream like a little girl and duck into hiding!
Okay, this is going well.
You keep it up and I'll be in here!
I'm drowning!
Help!
Somebody save me!
We stood our ground as long as we could.
But I think they captured Carl.
They'll probably subject him to horrible torture to make him talk.
Don't worry, he's well trained.
And we have 75 balloons hidden in Mrs. Johnson's doghouse and Johnny's gonna
attack at 0900 and our password is flounder.
I didn't talk.
They tortured me, but I said, no way, Jose!
Good.
You're still alive.
Now, I won't lie to you.
We may have to escape to the jungle and live there for the rest of our lives
eating bugs and washing with mud, so... Look, Johnny.
I think Raymond was only pelting me with balloons because he likes me.
And I think I kind of like him, too.
So, bye!
Bye!
My mom will yell at me if I'm late for dinner.
See ya!
You're an idiot.
Oh, runnin' out on me, eh?
Fine!
Go!
I have not yet begun to fight!
I shall return!
Uh-oh!
Miss me!
Medic!
And these are the prehistoric tar pits where dinosaurs became trapped while
looking for food and sink to an oozy death.
I suppose when your brain's the size of a cashew, you're too
stupid to avoid walking into a lake of sticky, disgusting tar.
This way, please...
AHHHHH!
Concentrate, Johnny.
Find your center.
More to left.
Oh!
Too far!
How's this, Master Homma?
No, no, no!
Pucky Weather Girl's still all fuzzy!
Aw, come on, Master Homma!
Teach me the secrets of the East!
No!
But even the eight-year-olds are moving past me in karate class!
That is because you have attention span of cheese sandwich!
But I know I'm ready!
I can feel it!
Did you finish sorting the mail?
No.
Then you are not ready!
Oh, alright.
Bills, bills, bills...
Huh?
Hey!
Master Homma, you may already be a winner!
Give me that!
Now, who'll pick up my dry cleaning?
So, Homma, we meet again.
Panting clock!
You dare show your face here?
Just a social call.
I've opened up my own dojo right on the corner.
Curse you!
I tried to get that location.
The city wouldn't Grant me the zoning!
That is because you're dojo is stinking!
Son of chow dog!
The worst of my students could beat the best of your students!
Hey, Master Homma!
I got your hot pastrami on a casserole!
Here we go!
Whoa!
Hmm.
Very well, Homma.
Him.
But, but he is not student.
He just hang out here.
I accept!
I will defend the honor of my dojo!
We will fight in one week.
And then we will see who is the true master.
Leaving or what?
Yes, I'm going.
Get up, Johnny.
We have much training to do.
All right, all right.
I'll get the toilet brushing.
Huh?
Wiggy!
Flower of wisdom grows best in soil of untrammeled mind.
What's that mean?
Get off, Lon!
I just seeded it!
So when do I get to bust stuff up with my head?
Come here, Johnny.
Clear your mind.
Okay.
Before physical technique, you must learn concentration.
Right.
Hey, look!
Birdies!
Pay attention!
For first exercise, you must consider the pebble.
Ah, okay.
Good!
I'm gonna go take a nap.
See you in four hours.
Aw, don't say that.
Chicks dig pebbles.
Your money, baby!
Hey, little fella.
You barely touch your root beer.
Yuki Omishima!
What are you doing?
Hey, Master Homo.
This pebble's a stand-up guy.
Training you is like a harsh journey through waterless desert.
What do you mean?
You're an idiot.
Follow me.
Ow, ow, alright, alright.
Keep your knee on.
The four-way path to enlightenment.
Watch, look, listen, and watch.
You said watch twice.
You're not listening!
Observe.
That's amazing!
What focus!
What concentration!
Teach me your ways, O Scaly One, and I will be your disciple!
Give me that!
Catching carp increases hand-eye coordination.
You try.
I gotcha!
No, Johnny, that's my cable!
Look up!
Don't worry, Master Homo.
I can take him.
Uh, yeah, sure.
Look, you know I'm not responsible for your medical bills, right?
Ha!
I must concentrate.
I must seek the weakness in his defense and...
I think his iron hard knuckles might be his weak point.
This is why I only let you do grunt work.
Grunt work?
Now I see what you've been trying to teach me.
I must use the skills I learned doing menial chores to defeat my opponent.
Whatever.
Look, don't bleed on my floor.
I just washed it.
First, I will evade his blows by using the
movements Homo taught me to adjust his TV antenna.
Huh?
Next, I will attack using the mail sorting slap of doom.
Finally, I must smother my foe as a Kaiser roll
smothers a quarter pound of juicy hot pastrami.
I give.
Get your tremendous bulk off me.
I did it!
Master Homo, I won!
You idiot!
I take out second mortgage to bet against you!
You ruin me!
So, Homo.
It is a wise weasel who uses bean paste to catch Cobra.
What do you mean?
It means I beat the point spread.
Now make with the green.
Come on, students!
After fight, hot dogs are on claw.
Yeah!
Yahoo!
Well, Master Homo?
Do I get my red dragon belt of death?
No!
You get frilly pink apron of shame.
Go clean toilets.
Aw, gee, Pebble.
You're the only one who understands me.
So, did you see me in the second round?
I really got him good.
Did not?
Yeah, boy.
Ooh, mail slap.
Look out!
Look out.
Oh, babe!
Mercy.
Oh, man.