One, two, three.
Way there.
Sassy.
Man, I'm pretty.
Do the monkey with me.
Come on.
Hey there, baby.
Yeah, whatever.
Uh, Canada.
Famous for, uh... Uh...
Oh, Johnny, Canada's famous for so many things.
Hockey, back-baking hockey, and my favorite, free healthcare.
Aw, Mama, you don't need your earlobes reduced.
You look pretty just the way you are.
Wait till you see me afterward.
I'll look just like a Hollywood starlet.
Wiggy.
Come hold Mama's hand until the anesthetic kicks in.
Okay, Mama.
Hey, a Canada lady.
Excuse me, weren't you Miss October in last
year's Chicks of the Frozen Thunder calendar?
Get lost, eh?
Hey.
I can't help it.
I love a woman in uniform.
Hey!
Look, I don't have time for this, eh?
I'm on the lookout for Slimy Pierre, the vilest,
most ruthless renegade trapper in all of Canada, eh?
Of course.
How stupid of me.
I should have been coming on to you in both English and French.
I'll tell you what, eh?
Why don't you walk aimlessly into the forest for hours?
And I'll catch up with you.
Sweet.
I'll see you soon, mon Cher, Mama Cedar.
I meant to do that.
What a hoser.
Ah!
Ah, man, this stinks.
I've been walking around for hours.
That mounted chick must have gotten lost.
I'm hungry.
I wonder if I can live on old growth forest.
Mmm, old growthy.
Hey, get your own tree.
Oh, yeah?
You and what army?
Ha-ha.
Uh, this might be a good time to recount the
touching story of how I saved a beaver's life once.
Oh, no!
Wee, my pretty.
There, there.
Oh!
Who is this you bring before Slimy Pierre, eh?
Climmy Pierre.
You're the guy that mounted chick told me about.
Oui!
No doubt you have heard about how I am the most
brilliant criminal genius in all of Canada, eh?
No.
Oh, well, uh, surely you have heard about
my plan to bring all of Canada to its knees.
You got a bathroom here?
How I'm going to dumb up all the rivers and make everyone worship me?
Nothing?
Hey, I got an idea.
You let me arrest you so that mounted chick
will go out with me, and I'll give you a dollar.
Arrest moi?
Ease to love!
Ha-ha-ha!
See me laughing at you!
Perhaps you wish to grovel before you meet your fate, eh?
No way, you Canadian slime bucket!
We Americans are much too proud to grovel!
Ha-ha!
Oh, please don't hurt me!
Please!
Oh, Canada!
Are free and blah, blah, blah!
Soon, I will complete my brilliant plan to dumb up all of
Canada's rivers and bring the Great White North to its knees!
Jesus!
Yeah, yeah, you told me that already.
Oh, right.
Okay.
Bye.
If I could just reach the tube of hair gel in my pants pocket.
Uh-oh.
Oh!
I'm free!
Now to conquer Slammy Pierre and win over that luscious money chick!
And oh yeah, save Canada.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Finally, I have damned the last river in Canada!
And completed my marvelously evil plan!
Which is so evil and brilliant!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Your damning days are over, Slammy Pierre!
Impossible!
How did you win the loyalty of my beaver army?
Simple.
I promised to take him to America!
Where beavers roam free!
And people say a bop instead of a boot!
And summer lasts more than a week!
And where they got real bacon, not the stuff you eat up here!
I mean that's ham for crying out loud!
Hey, one of your wood thingies is sticking out.
Uh, I wouldn't touch that if I were you.
Missing, eh?
Was he a boot yea big, with blond hair, sunglasses, and a really obnoxious attitude?
Sorry, haven't seen him.
Johnny, I was so worried!
Slammy Pierre, you're under arrest!
Huh?
Oh.
Take him away, boys!
So I saved Canada.
I guess that means you'll go out with me.
But you also destroyed the town, tried to eat our old growth forest,
and planned to steal all our beavers.
You know, ten grand is a nice way to say it, thank you.
American money though, none of that Canadian stuff.
You're sold!
More water, Sibupley!
Soccer blue.
This meeting of the Penzington Prep School Board of Trustees shall come to order.
Gentlemen, Penzington is in a state of crisis.
A new state law demands that we enroll an
oversized blonde dumb guy to fulfill our quota.
Not to worry, gentlemen.
I have already found a boy so stupid, so dim, there'll be
no danger of his interfering with our revered traditions.
Fascinating.
It says here that the record for the most hard-boiled
egg stuffed into a single human face was set in 1932.
That record falls today!
Johnny, guess what?
You're going back to school!
Mmm, yokealicious!
Hey, Mama, didn't I already go to school?
Yes, but you've been accepted to the ultra-exclusive, Pen-sington Prep School.
This is the one chance to prove that the Bravos are quality people!
Aw, Mama, most fancy prep schools are filled with uptight, creepy geek boys!
Fine, destroy our last chance at social advancement!
All right, but if I end up losing my down-to-earth blue-collar charm,
don't come crying to me.
Oh, Hickmaster, this is simply the best orientation tea ever!
Thank you, Piggy.
Johnny's here!
Let's make with the higher learning!
Hey, Monkey Boy, take these bags up to my room.
I beg your pardon?
Yeah, yeah, look, here's the nickel.
Now, chop-chop!
Oh, you must be young Mr. Bravos.
Yeah, that's right.
Room 13.
Chop-chop!
Indeed.
Johnny, let me introduce you to three of Pensington's finest students.
Hello.
You must be the new boy.
I'm Todd.
This is Nigel and Urquhart.
We call him Piggy.
Well, I have a slow metabolism.
Oh, that's okay, I got three webbed toes.
So what's it like being a bunch of rich, snooty twits?
How droll.
So did anyone see yesterday's cricket match?
Farnsworth placed a splendid, googly Twix the wickets.
So you like sports?
I know karate.
Check it out.
Hey, you.
Where's your name tag?
All crashing the party, huh?
Out you go, freeloader.
Headmaster, that brainless oaf just ejected Pentington's most illustrious alumnus.
Yes, and broke the priceless Pentington China.
And stepped on my crackling cricket anecdote.
I'm sorry, boys.
My hands are tied.
The only way Johnny Bravo leaves Pentington is by his choice.
Hey, look at me.
I'm a tea-sucking, loafer-wearing snooty guy.
This afternoon's debate topic, Britain's monarchy, continue or dissolve.
Our debators will be Piggy Blair and Jolly Bravo.
Mr. Blair.
The monarchy is England's most... Is not...
cherished tradition.
Uh-uh.
From the time of William the Conqueror... From the time of William the Conqueror...
Say, stop that.
I'm not doing anything.
Headmaster, I refuse to take part in such a puerile endeavor.
Yes, I win.
In your face, pig boy.
I say, this Bravo fellow has got to go.
But Headmaster says the only way he'll go is if he does it of his own free will.
In that case, we've got to make this Bravo chap so miserable, he'll want to leave.
Indeed.
A-E-I-O-Py.
Rats!
I'll never learn Cyrillic at this rate.
Hello, Johnny.
Having trouble with your Latin grammar?
Hey, you're those pasty annoying kids.
Quite.
And we've decided that you're classic Pensington material.
Great!
So that means you'll lend me money?
Well, we had something else in mind.
How would you like to really endear yourselves to the Latin teacher?
I'm in!
Hear me now, human dogs.
I, Johnny of the Vandals, shall now have my way with you.
Are you sure this will make everyone like me?
Oh, absolutely.
Reenacting the sack of Rome is a time-honored Pensington tradition.
Okay, if you say so.
Cowabunga!
Your goods and cattle are mine!
Aaaaaaaaaaahhh!
What are you doing?
Johnny, to uphold the honor of Pensington, you
must reveal who put you up to this childish prank.
Now I know you'll feel a certain loyalty toward your friends, but... It was them!
They made me do it!
It was their idea!
Nigel!
Todd!
Piggy!
I'm shocked!
Oh yeah.
Now you're gonna get it.
Shocked that you, Mr. Brother, could snitch on your fellow Pendentonians.
That's right, Headmaster.
He's violated Penzington's unwritten law.
He must be paddled!
Paddling!
Quite right.
Mr. Brother, assume the position.
Oh, all right.
Hey, this isn't gonna hurt, is it?
Not so fast!
I'm proud of my boy for telling the truth!
The only ones who are getting paddled are you!
You uptight pencil-neck ponies!
That's right!
Go for the record, Mama!
Go for the record!
Ow!
Oh, good heaven!
Oh, oh, my!
Ow!
Oh, no!
I love higher learning!
Oh, no!
Thus, we see how man has evolved to realize his ultimate modern potential!
Hey, how come he gets a banana?
Mmm, banana!
Timmy, I'm afraid with these grades, not even your
kickboxing collie can help you get into a good trade school.
Get him, lady!
Get off!
Ah!
No!
What happened?
I've never missed an episode of Lady the Kickboxing Collie!
Oh, dear sweetie!
Did you mail the cable bill I gave you?
Hmm.
Invoicing.
Uh, yes?
I don't believe you.
You'll have to go down to the cable office and pay the bill in person!
Johnny!
Well, all right.
Pay the bill.
There it is.
Megalithic Cable Corporation.
Aw, man, that's three blocks away.
Hey!
MCC!
Must be a conveniently located branch office.
Maxi's Cloning Clinic, how can I help you?
Ah, you saw the ad.
Yes, I clone you and make millions of dollars off the replicants.
Oh, yes, it's very painful.
Hello?
Oh, brat!
I'm all ready to begin cloning, but where am I going to find a dumb oaf
who's stupid enough to submit to the process?
Here's my 12 bucks.
Turn my cable back on.
Uh, this is the cable company, isn't it?
Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
Step right up onto the Genesplacer, and I will process your order.
Genesplacer?
Mama didn't mention anything about anything.
Hey, cable guy.
What the heck are you trying to do to me?
Congratulations!
You now have pay-per-view.
Sweet!
Huh!
Wednesday night is monkey boxing from Rio.
Hmm.
Bit of a doofus.
I'd better add a pinch of vitamin B for people skills.
And let's a clubbing begin.
Clear the evening, Mama.
We're table ready.
Oh, my goodness.
Who are you?
I made these cookies especially for you, Mother Dearest.
Here, let me put this nice comfy pillow under your bunions.
Oh, thank you, Johnny darling.
Mama, that ain't me.
I'm me.
Well, I think I know my own son, don't I?
Ignore him, Johnny dear.
Now read me that lovely poem you wrote for me again.
I love to please my mama and show her that I care.
Sometimes I pick her posies and wear them in my hair.
All right, that's enough.
Look, I don't know who you are or how you got so pretty,
but there's only room for one Johnny around here.
How dare you touch my darling sweet son?
Get out of my house, you hooligan!
Aw man, thrown out of my own house.
Let's see, who else has cable?
Yes?
Carl, let me stay at your house.
You can sleep in the garage.
Johnny?
But how can you be standing on my doorstep when
you're ten feet behind me mounting specimens?
Oh Carl, best to see buddies.
I've finished stuffing this hexapoppys ellipsi.
And look, the egg sack's still intact.
Excellent, old chum.
We're sure to win the science fair now.
He's like me.
Only he doesn't think you're a goofy, wax-eared and hammer-toed dork.
Good grief, it's four o'clock.
We'd better hurry or we'll be late for disco karaoke.
Ooh, I'll go get my platform shoes.
Excuse us, Johnny.
This is horrible.
There's a bunch of me's walking around.
It's like an invasion from a really handsome parallel universe.
What if they start buying up all the size 14 triple E shoes I like?
I've got to get help.
And that's the whole story.
Won't you help me, Pops?
You're darn right I'll help you, Johnny.
What's this country coming to when replicants can just
waltz into town and take over a person's identity?
Give me a cup of chili.
Burger and root beer, Pops.
Yeah, that sounds good.
I'll have the chili, too.
Loose meat, please.
How's the salami today?
Let me get some chili fries.
Excuse me, son.
It's getting a little busy.
But, Pops, you said you'd help me.
Sorry, Johnny.
A dollar's a dollar.
Okay.
Who had the loose meat?
Burger and root beer, Pops.
Give me a loose meat, Pops.
Hey, they're all coming from the cable office.
You fiend!
Ah, so you've discovered that I used your DNA to make 10,000 replicants who will
make me rich when I hire them out to do heavy lifting.
No, actually, I was wondering why I never got the animal channel.
It's part of my basic package, you know.
Ah-ha!
My guess was correct.
And we are just in time to put a stop to your nefarious plan.
I don't know, Carl.
The clones are awfully sweet.
How can you say that?
Sure, the Johnny clones are smarter, nicer, cleaner, wittier, and more loyal.
But isn't it the real Johnny we love?
Right.
Well, keep up the good work, Doc.
Ah, the heck with all of you.
I'm gonna watch Chimp Patrol on Channel 280.
No, you fool!
I'll catch us, Control!
So, I'll just... put that on your tabs, then.
Oh, thank heavens those nasty clones are gone, and I finally got my Johnny back.
At least, I think it's my Johnny.
Mama, a little help?
I got my head stuck in the pickle jar again.
Oh, Johnny, it is you.
Mama!
And.
this is the first sentence.
And this is the first sentence.