One, two, three...
Way there.
Sassy.
Man, I'm pretty.
Do the monkey with me.
Come on.
Hey there, baby.
Yeah, whatever.
I just want to gaze lovingly into his dreamy eyes.
Yeah, me too.
He's dreamy.
I want to cut off a lock of his hair and clone an army
of Luke Perry's to install in gay government positions.
I mean, I want to hug him.
Look, girls, there he is.
I'm sure you're the type of ladies who'd
respect my privacy and my personal... Get him!
Oh, Johnny, you're too smart.
Not everyone would buy pig hormone off the Internet and put it on to attract chicks.
I guess that's what separates me from your average John Q.
Lunkhead.
Ah, the great smell of pig.
Oh, sorry, man.
Oh, it worked.
Ha!
One at a time, ladies.
There's enough Johnny for everyone.
Hmm.
Must be going home to slip into something more comfortable.
Ala!
I'll just wait here, then.
Hey, thanks, dude.
You really got me out of a tight spot.
Hey!
You're Fidel Castro!
Uh, no.
Luke Perry?
Right.
What did I say?
Okay.
Well, uh, listen, thanks again.
Wait!
Don't go!
I'm your biggest fan.
I've modeled my life after you and the rest of the cast of Baywatch.
Don't you mean Beverly Hills, 90210?
Oh, Luke Perry!
Right.
Well, uh, see ya.
No, wait!
Don't go!
Chicks love your puppy dog eyes and James Dean-like vulnerability.
If I could study at your feet, my already
formidable chick appeal would be irresistible!
I don't know, man.
It would take years of training to master the secrets of my charm.
Oh, please, please, please, please, please, please,
please, please, please!
Well, I guess you did save my life.
Tell you what.
I'll guide you through one date, Luke Perry style.
Sweet!
You know, Luke Perry, you may just learn a few things yourself.
What's that smell?
Oh, that?
I sprayed pig hormone all over myself to entice the ladies.
Y-yeah, okay.
Okay, Johnny.
First, let's study your moves, see how you operate.
I'll wait here behind this tree while you show me what you got here.
No problem, Luke Perry.
And Johnny, you can just call me Luke.
Okay, Luke Perry.
Now, don't be nervous, Johnny.
It's only huge TV star Luke Perry watching you, judging your every move.
Hello, miss.
Hello.
Hello?
Uh...
Um...
Uh... I know Luke Perry!
Look, he's hiding right here behind this tree!
Ah!
Luke Perry!
Hold on, Johnny.
So how did I do, Luke Perry?
Huh?
How did I do?
Well, Johnny, on a scale of one to ten, you're an idiot.
Luke Perry likes me.
Okay.
Here's the deal, Johnny.
Disguised as a hot dog vendor, I'll relay instructions via the mic in
this mustard dispenser directly into your earpiece.
It's just contrived enough to work!
Hey, chicky!
No, Johnny!
Excuse me, miss.
My, you're looking lovely.
Aw,
how sweet you are.
Hey, this junk works.
Thine eyes are like fire.
That rains down from heaven.
Aw!
You've got her now, Johnny.
Ask her to go out with you.
So, uh... Wanna go out with me?
No, don't hit me!
I'd love to.
Meet me at the Grand Orange at eight.
Really?
I mean, see you at eight.
She said yes, Luke Perry!
She said yes!
You did great, Johnny.
Now to get out of this silly outfit and prepare for tonight.
Thanks, Luke Perry.
You're my best friend.
So, tell me all about yourself, Johnny.
Well, when I was three, I had a railroad spike lodged in my...
My life is a complex pastiche.
My life is a complex pastiche filled both with sorrow and joy.
Oh, Johnny.
Je t'aime, ma chérie.
J'espère que tu aimerai aussi.
Oh, Johnny.
I think I love you.
Well, looks like my work here is done.
You can take it from here, Johnny.
Nice to have met you, bud.
Thanks, Luke Perry.
You're a great friend, Luke Perry.
Johnny, no!
Bummer.
Now, flop your arms while raising your right
leg over your head, and chant as follows.
Johnny, I think we really have a future together.
Tell me the words I want to hear.
Oh, this is just one big joke to you.
I never want to see you again.
Wait!
Come back!
It was all Luke Perry's fault!
Oh, hey!
I didn't know my knee could bend that way.
Slowly, menacingly, the Dark Ninja Lord advanced.
Uh-huh.
Very interesting, Johnny.
But... First, he attacked with a vicious double lunge and leg kick.
Look out!
You yuts!
That's 191 years' bad luck!
But then, the blow was parried by rapid-fire monkey fists of lethalness.
Not my sacred ancestral humble figures!
Next came the chrysanthemum toe thrust!
Fool!
I just make last payment on ceremonial tea set.
Finally, the Ninja Lord was defeated by one of them triple-lateral flippin'
somersault fangs!
No!
Not the track lighting!
Oh!
And that's what happened on Nunchuck Chicks last night.
Then on emergency 976.
I don't care about your stupid TV shows!
Ugh!
I think my spine is broken.
What?
This ain't about you, Master Hama.
I was supposed to be bodyguard at Soy Harvest Parade this afternoon.
I'd never make it now.
Bodyguard?
I-I'll do it, Master Hama.
No!
Bodyguard's supposed to protect Queen of Parade, not cause lethal injury to her.
I-I'll be good, I promise.
Look, here's a move I learned on Lady the Kickboxin' Kali.
Sorry.
Here, take security badge and earpiece.
Just get out of here!
Thanks, Master Hama, you won't regret this!
Wise man say.
Big blond idiot likes speed bump on road of life.
You're so lucky to be Soy Queen, Cindy.
What do you hope to accomplish during your reign?
An end to hunger and a day when all the
world's weapons will be completely made of soy!
Come in!
That's not the password!
What password?
Ha-ha!
You don't know!
That was a close one.
There is no password!
Oh yeah?
Then why didn't she tell me that she knew that I knew that?
Are you here to unclog the toilet?
No.
I'm here to protect your life!
I see.
Well, why don't you just sit there quietly while I finish my face?
Stop!
Don't touch that!
From now on, I taste all your food.
That's not food!
That's my makeup!
Ew.
Lipsticky.
Look, do I really need a bodyguard?
I know you're scared, baby.
But your body is in good hands with Johnny.
Your car's ready, your majesty.
I've gotta go now.
Please don't follow me.
Poor deluded thing.
She's all worried about my safety.
I won't let her down.
This is gonna be the best soy harvest parade float ever!
Well, it's a beautiful day for the soy harvest parade.
And here is this year's soy queen, Cindy Dawson, embodying all that's decent
and wholesome about soy and soy-based animal protein substitutes.
Hello!
Hi, y'all!
Hello!
Hello, there!
Bienvenudo!
Domo Arigato!
Purple bear to French hen.
The perimeter is secure.
Repeat.
The perimeter is secure.
Man, I wish I had one of those two-way wrist radios.
Better scan the crowd for low-lines.
Everything looks on the up and up.
Wait a minute.
What's this?
What do you got there, kid?
My lunch box.
And by lunch box, I guess you mean high-tech plastic explosives.
Gimme that.
Careful, Johnny.
Careful.
Hmm.
Looks like an ordinary Bologna sandwich.
And this sorta looks like an apple.
And this looks just like a brownie.
Why, these plastic explosives are delicious!
All right, little guy.
I guess you'd check out.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
You ruined my lunch!
Jackal to red snapper.
Abort mission.
Repeat.
Abort mission.
And by soda pop, I guess you mean canister of deadly sarin gas.
Ooh!
It's one of them giant alien space pods!
Must be after the queen!
Giant pod danger gets up!
Oh,
my soybean crop is destroyed!
And it's all your fault!
Huh?
Nooooooo!
Ha!
I took a bean for you.
How about showing me a little polyunsaturated gratitude?
Ow!
Ooh!
Papa bear the French hand!
I need maca!
Ooh!
Rips the hair!
Ooh!
Man, that's pain!
Ooh!
Consider the Turkey.
A creature so amazingly stupid, it'll stare up at a
rainstorm with its mouth wide open until it actually drowns.
Hey, what's everybody looking at?
Is it that thing?
Come on!
Tell me!
I'll be your best friend!
Oh, I see it now!
No, that's not it.
Aw, come on, guys!
Just give me a hint!
Let's get him close!
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack bit!
W-mm-mm!
And he's not right?
You won't!
I'm not right!
Oh dear, Jack, Jack!
We'll still have done anything!
Penalty of law.
What are they gonna do?
Arrest me?
You'll never take me alive, coppers!
It was entrapment!
The monkey set me up!
Actually, we just wanted to invite you to a
bake sale we're holding down at the station.
Oh!
Thank you!
But you'll never take me alive!
Try my delicious seven-layer fudge cake, dirtbag.
No thanks.
Feeling lucky, punk?
Maybe later.
You have the right to enjoy my delicious strawberry lock-ups.
Only if you let me frisk you for the recipe.
You wouldn't be stupid enough to harass an officer of the law, would you?
Okay.
Is she cute, like you?
Inspector Janine Girard, 46th Precinct.
Are you gonna buy some cookies or not?
I'd love to.
Uh, can you lend me a dollar?
So, how time do you get off?
Drat!
My mother's about to lawyer up.
I'll be right back.
I'll wait here, my pistol-packing mamacita.
Hey, mister, you gonna pay for those?
Who's gonna make me?
Citizens arrest!
Stop cookie thieves!
Whoa!
What happened here?
Who took my cookies?
I-I-I-I-I-I didn't do it.
It-it was a guy.
A guy, huh?
What'd he look like?
Well, let's see.
He-he was about... Uh, he had kind of a... He had two arms.
A two-armed man?
That's the lamest alibi I've ever heard.
You're under arrest for cookie theft!
Oh, well, if you put it that way, I guess I'll just... Wait!
Listen up, people.
I want a hard-target search of the area.
That means every highway, freeway, causeway, hen-way... What's a hen-way?
Oh, about three pounds.
Your fugitive's name is Johnny Bravo.
Hey, that's my name.
With my superior intelligence, eluding her will be easy.
My first day as a pickle truck driver, and not a single mishap.
No!
Phew!
That was a close one.
What a waste.
Crunchy, though.
We got a positive ID by the old maple syrup factory.
There's only one way out of there.
He'll head for the runoff tunnels.
I wonder what's on TV tonight.
Hold it right there, Bravo!
I didn't steal your cookies!
Knock that two-armed man story again!
But I swear!
Hey, if I found the two-armed man, will you go out with me?
Hmm, let me think.
No!
Well, then forget it!
I give up!
Stop!
We've lost him.
But I'll pick up his trail again if it's the last thing I do!
Nice move.
But you've left your Queen's Bishop's Pawn exposed on the third level.
You've got to help me.
They think I stole the cookies, but it was the two-armed man all the time.
I believe you, Johnny.
And with my knowledge of Balinese puppeteering,
I'll be able to craft you the perfect disguise.
Done!
Sweet!
I'll be free to move around in public and find that two-armed guy.
Okay, now you disguise me!
He'll try to re-enter his life somewhere.
Check the diner!
Pack down the mom!
I want answers, people!
Bravo's on line two!
Put a trace on it!
Give me that phone!
This Bravo?
Hello, Inspector Janine.
I guess I'm too smart for you.
Those background noises sound familiar.
I've compiled a list of 25 million two-armed guys who are potential suspects.
We've traced him.
He's somewhere in the station.
So I'd appreciate it if you call off your stupid manhunt.
I've got you now, Bravo!
Hey, keep your shirt on, lady.
I'll be off in a minute.
Ah!
It's him!
It's the two-armed man, and he's stealing more stuff!
Captain Connolly?
You took my cookies?
I run this precinct.
I can eat whatever I want.
Well, well.
Looks like you wasted hundreds of man hours tracking down the wrong guy.
Looks like it.
Gerard, you busted back the meter, mate.
Ah, don't worry.
Life's full of these little twists and turns.
So, about me frisking you for that recipe?
Stop!
I know my rights!
I want my lawyer!
Can't we all just get along?
Look out.
I know my rights!
I.
know my rights!
And this is the second one.