One, two, three, go!
Way there.
Sassy.
Man, I'm pretty.
Do the monkey with me.
Come on!
Hey there, baby.
Yeah, whatever.
Oh, my.
I see the civil conflict in Azerbaijan is heating up.
Oh, and they're finally cutting down that pesky redwood forest on the edge of town.
Check this out.
Idiot injures self in hammock.
What a jerk.
What a doofus.
Hey, that guy's pretty.
Wait a minute.
That guy's me.
Slander.
Blast me.
I'm going right down to the newspaper office to complain.
Just as soon as I pop my hip back in.
Ooh, that's smart.
Boy caught in a well?
Does he have an adorable puppy with him?
That's old news.
Hello, city desk.
You saw the mayor taking a bribe?
Strictly page 10.
He was wearing a chicken outfit?
Well, why didn't you say so?
We'll bump it to page one.
Sweet, Mother McCree.
I love this business.
I want to talk to the ugly lion pin jockey who writes this rag.
That'd be me.
Yeah?
Say, you're kind of pretty for an ugly lion pin jockey.
Wait a minute.
I know you.
You're the Jake from the hammock.
You get a beat?
Spill it.
I demand that you retract this story.
Ha!
Horse feathers.
The story's pure gold.
Haven't you heard of the First Amendment?
I'm not really into folk music.
Say, you want to go out with me?
I'm all the Johnny that's fit to print.
No time.
I got a paper to run.
Besides, you're a stooge, a mocha, a babe in the woods.
I only go out with hard driving newsmen who get stories and sell papers.
So you're saying if I get you a story, you'll go out with me?
I said no such thing.
I'll do it.
Because this country was founded on freedom of the press.
To read and Cherish and line our bird cages.
As Abe Lincoln said...
Now, let's see.
Where am I gonna find a hot scoop to impress that newspaper lady?
Hmm.
There's that pothole over on Third.
Ah, too boring.
That vending machine at the car wash always takes my quarters.
Ah, too vending machine-y.
Johnny, look!
I've isolated the gene that makes people talk in high squeaky voices!
Not now, dweeb.
I'm trying to get a scoop.
Oh, no!
Now listen to me!
Hold on, you.
Where were you on the night of the 16th?
I was out looking for my kitty, Mr. Pickles.
You do know that all the cats in the neighborhood have been disappearing, don't you?
That's it!
I'll do a story on the invention of porcelain.
You mean missing kittens, right?
Right.
What did I say?
Now, let's see.
Where could all those missing cats have gotten to?
And what could hold them all captive against their will?
And how can I hear myself talking when my lips aren't moving?
Yeah, kitty, kitty, kitty!
Nice kitty!
Come to Pops!
Holy smokes!
Pops just abducted that kitty!
Who, what, where, when, why?
Hey, Johnny!
What are you blathering on about now?
I've caught you red-handed!
You've been taking all the town's cats and putting them in your mystery quesadilla!
Why, that's preposterous!
What kind of barbarian would take a poor, defenseless creature, make him into
steaks, dip him in egg batter, sprinkle with a little tarragon,
but not too much, and serve him up as the blue plate special!
Why, I'm shocked and appalled you could even accuse me of such a thing!
Okay, Pops, your story checks out.
Let me know if you hear anything on the street.
Will do, son!
Don't worry, Snookums.
The bad man is gone.
Hmm.
I've got to find out where all the cats have gone!
My reporter's instincts tell me the answer is close.
So close, I can almost smell it!
Johnny, Mama's running to the store to buy a 600-pound bag of cat food.
Mama, I'm trying to think!
And don't play on the cat trees.
They're for guests only.
Wait a minute.
Cats?
Cat trees?
Sounds sort of like cookies!
That's it!
I'm hungry!
I decided on noodles instead.
Ow!
Dang, cat tree.
Wait a minute.
Cat tree?
Sounds sort of like... I forgot the garlic bread.
Ow!
Aw, this is getting ridiculous.
Wait a minute!
Ridiculous.
If cats can build something this ridiculous,
they must also be able to build spaceships!
That's it!
Cats are really a super-intelligent race of aliens!
I have got my story!
Ha!
You'll never triumph!
And sometimes I dream I'm not wearing pants.
Print that!
Hold page one!
Cats are really space overlords, and they've gone back
to their home planet to fetch their death ray devices!
That's bravo, B-R-A-V-O.
Ha!
That's the silliest story I ever heard!
Oh, well, I'm sure you feel that way, because
you're really a mutant calico in disguise!
Ow!
Johnny, what's with this note you left for me?
They're here, they're here, get out of the house!
P.S.
I ate the noodles.
I broke the story, Mama!
Oh, the cats are aliens!
I'm a reporter!
Johnny, listen to me.
The person who took the town's cat is someone you know.
Someone who loves you very much.
Someone I know?
Someone who loves me very much?
Johnny?
It's me!
I took the cats!
I'm the catnapper!
Stop the presses!
Gotta help somebody!
No, really!
I'm serious!
But Mama Bravo!
Why?
Well, I suppose I have a compulsive need to nurture soft furry things.
The human interest angle.
I like it!
It'll sell papers!
But what about Johnny?
Hmm, maybe we can use him in marketing.
Extra!
Read all about it!
Idiot mangle self and printing press!
Extra!
I'll take one.
Thanks, mister.
You're welcome.
Let's see.
According to this map Mama gave me, the grocery store
is somewhere between Fifth Street and Addis Ababa.
Leave it to Mama to run out of foot powder in the
middle of battle of the network's swimsuit models.
Sure hope I don't hit traffic.
Hey, I'm here!
I gotta use these maps more often.
Wait, Mama didn't say there'd be two stores here.
The one with the shopping carts and the produce out front is almost too obvious.
Can't fool me.
Now let's see.
Foot powder.
Huh?
This pureed ram pancreas should do the trick.
I might as well pick up some snacks while I'm here.
Mmm, salamander tongs, spider eggs.
Hey, shrunken heads!
I haven't had these since I was a kid.
Okay, lady, ring me up.
Well, shut my mouth and call me Carpathian!
I know what you're thinking and the answer's yes, I am available.
I warn you, touch me again and the consequences will be dire.
Really?
Uh, dire's good, right?
Hair of wolf and toe of skink!
Let this big dumb jerk commence to shrink!
Any chance you got a hot tub out back?
Ooh!
Could I get a receipt?
You know, you'd think a person with that much hate in her
heart wouldn't gravitate towards the service industry.
Hey, my scooter got bigger.
Must be that high-octane scooter oil I've been using.
And I thought you'd finish growing.
Okay, pull over, kid.
What?
I didn't steal cable!
I never pulled the tag off that pillow!
The cement had my handprints in it when I got there!
Does your mommy know you're riding that scooter, young man?
And why aren't you in school?
What are you talking about?
I'm a grown man.
What are you, blind?
Oh, a sassy mouth, huh?
Well, a couple of hours until you and I lock up will straighten you out.
No, I ain't going!
Help!
Anybody other than the police?
Help!
Oh, no!
That witch chick from the grocery store made all the fire hydrants huge!
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
Neighbor kid, help!
Witch's curse shrank me!
Cops chasing me!
I'll live with my mom!
No motivating goals!
Don't worry, Johnny.
I know just what to do.
More tea, Mrs. Penny whistle?
Stop calling me Mrs. Penny whistle and I don't want any stupid tea.
Give me some bovine growth hormone or something.
Mrs. Penny whistle, you're upsetting the other dollies.
Yeah, well, they're creeping me out with their dead eyes.
Like a... like a doll's eyes.
What are you smiling about, monkey boy?
You think it's funny I'm so tiny?
Well, come on, make a move.
I can take you.
Looks like somebody needs a time out.
Huh?
Wait, put me down.
I was just kidding.
I-I can get along with the dollies.
Especially that Malibu Tracy.
She's seeing anybody.
Now you stay there and think about what you've done.
I gotta escape before she stuffs me and tries to sell me on the home Dolly channel.
Aha!
A yo-yo with the long string attached.
Let's see.
If I set fire to the yo-yo, the fumes will activate the sprinkler system and...
Oh!
Good thing gerbils are meek, mild-mannered little fellows.
Hey, buddy.
Scoot over.
Johnny is thirsty.
Good doggy.
You know, some of my best friends are gerbils.
Whoa!
Hey, Carl's house.
He's a science dweeb.
He'll be able to help me get big again.
There.
Now I've carefully calculated the trajectory, so I'll... Whoa!
Whoa!
Good thing the window's open.
Exactly as I planned it.
Except for the lacerations.
Mmm.
There is nothing like a good luffa sponging.
Now to check on my science experiment.
Hey, Carl, you dweeb!
It's me, Johnny!
Oh!
Johnny!
You're microscopic size!
You're the size of an amoeba!
I could put you in my bloodstream, and you could help me digest simple sugars!
Carl!
Or I could help you get big again.
Bingo!
What the heck's that thing?
Don't worry, Johnny.
It's just an amoeba.
Back off, fella.
I'm trying to talk to the giant eyepiece.
Oops!
He's got your scent.
Now I'll try to absorb you for your organic compounds.
Ah!
Get off me, you gloppy one-cell parmin!
Get off!
Now hang tight, Johnny.
I'll get my molecular re-enlarger.
Ah!
Heal!
Heal, I said!
Oh, oh, oh!
Tiny bites!
Oh, Carl, hurry!
Here I come, Johnny.
Here goes nothing.
Ah!
Johnny, you're all big again!
Yeah, thanks for nothing.
No time to talk.
Bye!
Gangway!
Oh, mama!
Here's your ID bracelet.
Here's a compass in case you get lost.
Mama, I'm just going next door to borrow a cup of sugar.
Mrs. Crowman?
Open up!
It's me!
Johnny!
Got it!
The resolution is passed.
The secret password for the town's new community center will be floundered.
And now for the last order of business, please welcome our volunteer fire chief,
Pops!
Yay!
Shut up!
This stinks.
When does the movie start?
There's no movie, Johnny.
This is a town hall meeting.
What?
Then I'm out of here.
Well, I suppose I can stay a bit longer.
As you know, Willie, the town hobo, hit it big in the lottery and packed up
for Zurich, leaving Carl the only active member of your fire brigade.
Yay!
I'll be quiet.
In the event of an actual fire, this town would
burn to the ground faster than you can say, Help!
The town's burning to the ground!
So I'm appealing to you, the townspeople, sign up today!
Whoa, mama!
Who will be the first to volunteer?
I'll volunteer.
Hey, speak up!
Don't be shy!
Yeah, right here, Pops.
Really?
Anyone at all?
How about you, sir?
I'll do it.
Little girl?
Pick me, pick me!
Johnny wants to do it, Pops.
Pick him.
He's my best friend.
We'd have a lot of fun together and everything.
I'd be a great fireman.
I've got the suspenders already.
Anyway, I love fire.
I could watch it burn for hours.
All right, all right already.
Johnny, you're hired.
Be at the firehouse at 9 tomorrow.
What, in the morning?
I'll bring donuts.
Pops?
It's me, Johnny.
I couldn't find any donuts, so I brought some tile grout.
Hi, Johnny.
Pops isn't here yet.
Hey, get a load of all the cool fireman stuff.
I'm glad you're early.
I want to read you a poem I wrote about the awesome responsibilities of the fireman.
Ahem.
I am the fireman.
I sing the fire electric.
Though the hot flames may lick my boots, they
shall not stay me from my appointed rounds.
Oily rags in the garage, dismay me not.
Nor the outlets heavy laden with flugs.
For I will face with fearless fervor the ferocious flames
that fly frantically from the feisty fatal furnace.
Oh, fireman, heavy hangs the hose that spritzes the foam of vigilance.
And wretched is the soul who leaves the steam iron of neglect on high.
Yet I complain not.
For I shall slip the surly bonds of earth to touch the pace of...
Johnny!
He did it!
Quit it, Johnny.
We firemen must respect our firefighting tools as if they were our friends.
Thanks, friend.
Well, if you two kumquats are through messing around, we'll get started.
Okay, Johnny.
In this first training exercise, you'll rescue a kitten from a tree.
Are you ready, Carl?
You betcha!
Role play is my favorite part of being a fireman.
Meow!
Pops, I'm frightened.
I know, son.
Let's just get through this.
Okay, the first thing you do is... I know, I know, I'm not an idiot.
Bad kitty.
Uh, let's just move on, shall we?
Okay, Johnny.
You got 15 seconds to attach this hose and save Carl's life.
Oh, help me.
I am choking on the artificial smoke.
Won't someone rescue me from my fiery fate?
Okay.
Hit it!
Oh, I'm going fast!
Dang, thing ain't working.
Here, hold this.
This won't end well.
Beelzebub's nightgown!
Johnny, what are you thinking?
It's a good thing this was just an exercise or Carl could have been seriously hurt.
Sorry, Pops.
Oh, well.
Cookie break?
I'm there.
What a horrible tragedy if only basic life-saving techniques had been used.
Ah, cut Debbie some slack, Pops.
She only joined Bikini Watch last season.
I guess you're right, son.
More elk?
Thanks.
Say, Pops, is sitting around eating and drinking
on the public tab part of being a fireman, too?
It's the most important part, Johnny.
If you learn only that during your training, then I've done my job.
What the heck is that?
I don't know.
The dang thing's always going off during my programs.
Pops, it's the fire alarm.
We're needed.
But maybe it's the real thing.
Hop to it, boys.
Oh, I want to drive the truck.
I want to drive the truck.
Oh, I want to drive the truck.
No, I want to drive the truck.
I'll tell you what.
Let's play rock, paper, scissors for it.
Once, twice, three...
You win.
You think he'll come back for us?
Uh-uh.
Get out of the way!
I'm trying to save lives!
So I said to her, if that's your attitude...
I'll call you back!
Whoa!
Aha!
A 3-1-10-11-9-er in progress!
Oh, dear.
Almost burned the popcorn, by golly.
Don't panic, lady!
I'll save you!
What are you doing?
Everything is fine.
I said don't panic!
Panic!
Ah!
Oh!
Wait a minute.
This is just what the fire is expecting us to do.
Quick!
Out the fire escape!
Oh, but I don't have a fire escape!
Say, Johnny!
You know what would help the department is
if you took your 20-year unpaid vacation now.
Sweet!
How about those free medical benefits?
Look out.
The Masked Syndrome Whatever.
Whatever.