One, two, three...
Way there.
Sassy.
Man, I'm pretty.
Do the monkey with me.
Come on.
Hey there, baby.
Yeah, whatever.
Yeah, I'm a happy, happy boy.
Good for me.
Hey, Johnny, did I ice today?
No time, Mr. Giancana.
I'm headed to the hobby shop to buy a new model, the Visible Weasel.
Look, you can see his bones and innards and everything.
Hey, you're right.
I can see right through that weasel.
Well, take care, Mr. Giancana.
Okay, Johnny.
Dry ice.
Get it while it's dry.
Get it while it's ice.
Hey, that must be the hobby shop.
I can't believe they used to make planes like this.
Hey, look.
They made a mistake.
They put some guy's head on a World War II German biplane.
I'll just fix it for him.
Oops.
Hey, stop, you!
Uh-oh.
Hobby shop guy.
Now I'm in trouble.
I'll just grab one of these model kits and split.
Hey, Sarge.
He took one of the dinosaur eggs.
Ah, don't worry.
Those eggs are fossilized.
The odds of its hatching are a million to one.
Oh, it's getting warmer.
Oh, I can feel life inside.
Mama, give me back my model kit.
But it's so vulnerable and starved for affection.
No, it's not.
Now go watch your wrestling.
This is my time.
Wrestling?
Think fast.
Now let's see.
How do you get this thing open?
What would a crusty, one-legged sea captain do?
Arrgh.
Smash it on the table and crack it open like a walnut.
Thanks, captain.
Huh?
I can't believe it.
It's incredible.
Astounding.
This model kit comes with a free baby hamster.
Hey there, little guy.
I think I'll call you Mr. Wuggles.
He's a leathery hamster.
Yes, he is.
Hey, come back here, you.
Ah!
Johnny, what's going on here?
Well, Mama, I got a free adorable house pet.
Oh, wonderful.
And who do you suppose is going to end up
feeding it, working it, and taking care of it?
Um, you?
I'd love to.
Where is the little fella?
I can't wait to smother him with love.
Mr. Wuggles.
Hey, where'd he go?
Bad, bad hamster.
Don't eat the lawn furniture.
Drop it.
Look, boy.
A stick.
Bitch.
He thinks he's a dog.
What?
Bad, bad hamster.
Now our rates are going to go up.
You're a bad, bad, bad, bad hamster.
This won't end well.
Heard a feed if I...
Yeah!
Oh!
Get him!
Mama, do we have anything that would counteract a highly corrosive digestive enzyme?
My, how you've grown in the last few weeks, Mr. Wuggles.
Now let's get you some hamster food.
There you go.
Fresh organic lettuce.
Just as green and crispy as you please.
Yuck!
But you gotta eat your vegetables.
How do you expect to keep your coat all tough and leathery?
No, Mr. Wuggles, no.
We have to take a number.
Number 15?
That's us.
Save room for dinner now.
Johnny?
Huh.
There doesn't seem to be anybody.
Johnny, you've got a living, breathing specimen of a humongosaurus Rex.
Is that the scientific name for hamster?
Hamster?
Johnny, you don't understand.
What you've got there isn't honest-to-goodness real life.
Look, I'd love to stand here jabbering with you, but I gotta take Mr.
Wuggles for his walk.
I'd better get my camera so I can record this for science.
Heel!
Heel, Mr. Wuggles!
Gordon off the perimeter!
You've got to destroy that monster!
Wait, Susan!
That's General!
Right.
What did I say?
Excuse me, son, but we're really busy.
You've got to give me a chance to calm Mr. Wuggles down.
I've raised him since he was a baby!
Well, your story's touched all our hearts, son.
Get out there and do your best!
Thank you, sir.
You won't be sorry.
Arm the missile.
It's not easy being a giant leathery hamster.
With your sharp fangs, your horrible breath and scaly skin.
And feeling like you don't fit in.
Incoming!
Aw, Mr. Wuggles.
I love you.
The kid did it!
Come on, you big galoot.
Let's go get us a couple of root beers.
Oopsie.
Stop!
Stop this cartoon!
In the interest of decent, wholesome TV viewing, I've been asked to inform you
that no army personnel were harmed in the making of this...
It's fourth and ten.
Here's the snap.
Oh, it looks like another broken fever for
the fourth round draft pick from Kansas State.
Ha!
I love football.
The way the cheerleaders bounce up and down.
The way the cheerleaders wave their pom-poms.
The way the cheerleaders yell and scream when those
people in the helmets throw that ball thingy around.
Man, I wish I was a football player.
Score!
Hey, couch jockey.
Wanna date cheerleaders like this but have little or no athletic ability?
No.
Maybe.
Yes.
Then it's time you enter the exciting world of sports mascots.
Learn such crowd-pleasing antics as the hip wiggle, the phony bucket of water,
and the ever-popular pantsing giraffe.
Will I be the life of the party surrounded by beautiful chicks?
Sure.
I'm in!
Today, you enter into a proud and hallowed tradition.
The goofy animal suit that you will choose in a moment
will Mark you forever with the proud name of mascot.
Choose carefully, for your costume will be to you
as a friend, a sister, a goofy foam rubber costume.
Ah, the proud, noble fish head.
Many are the teams you and I will urge on to victory, my scaly friend.
Who's got gills?
We do.
Who's got scales?
We do.
Who's got a shiny, gelatinous outer coating to screen out harmful bacteria?
We do!
And the red team!
Right.
Next.
I killed, didn't I?
What a positively pathetic performance.
Step aside, bottom feeder.
Who's the donkey with the attitude?
That's Kent Stevens.
He's the big mascot on campus.
He already has offers from three NFL teams and two stud farms.
Yeah, well, he should be groomed for lice.
Boo!
Pee-you!
Big deal!
I don't see it.
Nothing special.
I guess you've been boned and filleted.
Fish Boy!
Who left a fishy, gelatinous slime on the ground?
It was him!
You scaly idiot!
You made me throw a shoe!
I'm going to be out for the next three weeks.
Aw, gee.
That's too bad, Gloob Boy.
I'll get you, bravo.
I don't know where.
I don't know when.
But Mark my words, I'll get you!
Aw, don't get your fetlocks in a tizzy.
Come on, everybody!
I have the feeling Mascot School's gonna be the best time ever!
Ha-ha-ha!
Got your lamp!
Ooh!
Gah!
Ha-ha-ha!
And so I say to you, the graduating class of Mascot Academy, your checks are cleared!
Good luck to you all!
Hooray!
Hey, everybody!
Our acceptance letters are posted!
I've been drafted by the lions!
I'm with the cougars!
The penguins!
Yes!
Capybaras?
What the heck's a capybara?
Hola, Johnny.
Welcome to the team.
Yeah, listen, I think there's been some sort of clerical error.
See, I'm a big stinky fish head.
Well, the capybaras are shy, elusive creature, not unlike a rotting fish head.
As a graduate of a prestigious Academy of Mascot Science, I will do my best to bring
honor and distinction to your illustrious franchise.
It's a beautiful day here at El Raton Stadium
as the stallions lead the capybaras 25 to 20.
Who's got this capybaras?
Who's got Vince capybaras?
Hey, not on the face!
Come on!
It's the fish head.
Oh, the oats that fill the feed bag of vengeance are sweet.
This stinks!
I'm gonna hit on cheerleaders.
Now, I'll debate my hook.
He's here!
Get your African nice killer bees!
One, please!
Hey, baby.
I'm a mascot.
How's about you and me forming a human pyramid of love?
You are no a mascot.
The true mascot whips the crowd into a frenzy of passion.
You make them cranky and irritable with your
fishy bees-ness and mediocre dance stylings.
So, if I inspire the team to victory, you'll go out with me?
Probably not.
I'll do it!
All right, crowd.
I don't like you, and you don't like me.
But let's do this for the team!
Give me up!
No!
The mascot has whipped the crowd into a frenzy!
Onward to victory!
72!
Nine!
Touchdown!
We win!
Who's the mascot?
Ha-ha!
I'm the mascot!
Hoo-ha!
Hey, baby.
I whipped the crowd into a frenzy.
How about a little post-game huddle?
Hello.
I represent a little team called the St. Louis Bee Sting Victims.
How'd you like to be our mascot?
Today, I consider myself the luckiest bee sting victim on the face of the earth.
Here's your ID bracelet.
Here's a compass in case you get lost.
Mama, I'm just going next door to borrow a cup of sugar.
Mrs. Crowman?
Open up!
It's me, Johnny!
Johnny!
Ah, fantasy dodgeball camp.
A chance to hone my skills with the greats.
Flathead Morgan, Nosebleed McGee, Whiplash, Winnet Ferguson!
Ha-ha!
Oh, my eye!
Hey, what are you looking at?
Aw, man, lines are for losers.
Excuse me, kid.
Hey, no cutsies!
Sorry, I can't hear you.
I'm much taller and stronger than you are.
Besides, you dodgeball amateurs couldn't hit
the broad side of something really broad.
When I returned, Mary, Joel and the car were gone.
Time to get back to Congress and spin around in my chair.
I hear you're looking for a few good men.
Are you willing to lay your life on the line to serve and protect your country?
Um, I like dodgeball.
Good answer.
Go get your checkup.
Say aw.
I admire his killer instinct.
Give him the psych test.
Engblot.
Blob.
Stain.
Glop.
Hey, it's Tony!
The little man who lives in my mouth!
Son, you are deeply disturbed and highly unstable.
Oh, what the heck!
Welcome aboard!
You mean to fantasy dodgeball camp, right?
I'm.
your drill instructor!
Sergeant Trixie!
For the next six weeks, you are not even human.
You are the lowest form of life on the planet!
Not true!
I've got opposable thumbs and everything!
Who said that?
Who is the brainless, slime-lapping, pencil-neck
son of a brush salesman who said that?
It was him!
And I'm not pencil-neck, thank you very much!
What is your name, Private?
Johnny Bravo, sweetcakes.
Hey, how's about you and me heading over to
the PX for a little chipped beef on Johnny?
Listen up, weed-whacker!
From now on, your name is Sister Mary Clueless!
Please, call me Mary.
What's wrong, Private?
Are you experiencing some discomfort?
Aw, do you want your mama?
Mama?
Where?
Mama, help!
I'm trapped in boot camp!
Save me!
Bravo!
You are the most worthless piece of primordial ooze I have ever seen!
But I'll give you one chance to prove yourself!
Try to overcome me!
How nice of you to join me, my little non-commissioned mamacita!
You know, you've got some of the prettiest battle scars I've ever seen!
Can I freshen your root beer?
Silent rat ratan, yo, little lord.
Clam that!
Over that wall!
Move!
No neck!
Up that rope!
Go, go, go, go!
Bravo!
Leap that gap!
But I'm scared!
Bravo!
If you don't leap that gap I will personally
rip your head off and plant posies in your neck!
Well, Sergeant makes a forceful argument...
Ah!
Mud, people!
Help save me!
Ooh, squishy.
Bravo, you sorry sack of chef salad!
Get back to the starting line and do the whole course again!
Aw, man, this stinks!
Perhaps I can put this obstacle course to better use.
Horse boy!
Thumb!
No neck!
Why are you standing around like a bundled?
What in Sam Hill happened to my obstacle course?
Oh, pretty little maid am I am I, pretty little maid am I.
This army stuff ain't so bad.
Hey, it's almost time for my soaps.
Bravo!
You open this door!
I'm afraid I can't do that.
And why not?
You didn't say the secret clubhouse password.
Oh, okay, I get the point.
By the way, the password was salami.
Sassum, frasum, reason, run, listen, reason.
Sgt.
Tricksy to HQ!
The opposing team is taking the offensive in the war gates.
I've lost Clam Bank and Bravo.
Please advise!
We haven't lost Bravo, Sergeant.
He's right over there.
Ah, there's nothing like a nice, relaxing picnic.
Oh, you guys are probably looking for my team.
They're right over there behind those rocks.
Tell Sergeant Trixie I said hi.
I think she likes me.
Now, let's see.
Oh, dang, I forgot napkins.
Ah-ha!
Boys, I'm afraid they've got us fair and square!
Sergeant, look!
Yoo-hoo, hello!
Does anyone have any mustard?
I mean the yellow kind.
I find the brown kind too gritty.
Bravo's captured the enemy flag!
We win!
Huh?
Yay!
Bravo, you're not as stupid as I thought!
Congratulations, you're a soldier!
Sweet!
It's a good thing, too, because I was getting pretty tired
of cleaning out the latrines with this really strong soap.
You idiot!
That's not soap!
That's Nitroglycerin!
Yes, and it leaves a clean, tiny scent.
Thank goodness the army finally recognized my abilities and gave me this plush,
cushy assignment.
Hey!
Only at three more months until morning!
Huuu-huh-huh-huh!
Look out.
Ha-ha!
Oh!
Bop, bop!
Whoa!
Ah!
Ah, babe!
Mercy.
Whatever.