One, two, three...
Way there.
Sassy.
Man, I'm pretty.
Do the monkey with me.
Come on.
Hey there, baby.
Yeah, whatever.
It's been three days since the fourth wall collapsed.
I cling feebly to life.
Suddenly, a shaft of light.
Freedom beckons.
If I can only... Yes, I live!
I am the miracle baby!
Hey, there's still a slice of pepperoni left.
Hi, Johnny.
Angel of death?
I thought I'd eluded your grasp.
No, Johnny, it's me, Susie.
I come bearing a wonderful opportunity.
Oh, no.
I ain't buying any more junk bonds off of you.
No, Johnny.
I've come to ask you to take part in the annual walk against baldness.
Sounds fascinating.
Go away.
All you have to do is get someone to pledge money for every mile you walk.
The longer you walk, the more money you raise to fight hairlessness.
So why don't you do it?
I would, but I'm still tuckered out from last week's trot for liver spots.
Let's see.
Walk in the hot sun for a bunch of bald guys for no good reason.
Uh, let me think about it.
I'll have my people get back to you.
Did I mention that the race is being organized
by a group of concerned Shapely supermodels?
I'll do it.
Good.
And I'll be your first sponsor.
Put me down for a penny a mile.
What?
I gotta walk a whole mile?
Oh, Johnny.
You have such strong calf muscles.
I'll do it.
Sir, are you here to sign up for the race?
Oh, yes.
I think it's wonderful to give one's time to such a worthy cause.
Yes, I'm very anxious to walk against the bald.
For too long, they've infiltrated our schools, filling
our children's minds with their dangerous notions.
I don't think you understand.
Say it, baby.
How about after this walk-a-thon, you and me have a love-a-thon.
Here, let me pin your number on.
167.
Hey, that's my lucky...
And here.
You'll be needing this.
So is this the map to the stupid race?
You know, sweetcakes, if you want to see me again sooner, you'd show me the shortcut.
Good idea.
See this part where everyone else goes straight, you go left.
Sweet.
So if I win, you'll go out with me?
I'd rather eat live sea urchins.
Sounds good.
You make the reservations, I'll be back before you can say, hey, that guy's back.
Back!
So long, suckers.
Ah, the agony of the fallen arch.
The drama of the painful blister.
If there's anything more exciting than a 1K walk-a-thon, I don't know what it is.
Something's wrong.
I can feel it.
A mother knows.
And so all the runners are in, except for one clueless schnook who took a
wrong turn and walked 3,100 miles off course.
So, I'll make a ride at the Seguero cactus and keep going past the butte?
What an idiot.
I think it's safe to say that the only people stupider
than this guy are the people who sponsored him.
Ah, what a bunch of dupes.
Carl, we all sponsored Johnny.
And if he keeps going at this rate, we're gonna owe... 3.6 billion dollars.
Oh, that's more than 3.5 billion dollars!
We've got to stop him!
Okay, kids, let's split up.
Maybe I'll go... this way.
There seems to be a little flooding along the walk-a-thon route.
Hi, Johnny.
Carl, what are you doing here?
Johnny, you're in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
You've gotta turn back.
And stop the walk against baldness?
Oh, I get it.
You're in with the bald people.
What did they offer you?
Gum?
Nylons?
Tiny radios?
I'm sorry, Johnny, but this is for your own good.
Air Jacks.
Cool.
Drat, I failed.
Chow Dog to Mother Hen.
I've lost the target.
You can't do any more there, Carl.
Return to base.
Okay.
Oh, no.
Those bald people built a 1,000-mile wall to keep me from finishing.
Ah!
The engineering skill of the bald is highly overrated.
Johnny!
Over here!
Mama!
You must be hungry after your little walk.
How about a bloating, heavy, sleep-inducing meal that'll stop you in your tracks?
No time, Mama.
It's about a little thing called perseverance.
A little thing called endurance.
A little... Ooh!
Egg rolls!
You must be exhausted, darling.
Let's call a cab and I'll take you home.
No time, Mama.
Anyway, I'm feeling kind of peppy.
Got any fortune cookies?
Okay, too bad.
Gotta go.
I don't believe it.
70 pounds of shrimp and black bean sauce and he's still going.
Wait a minute.
These aren't black beans.
They're coffee beans.
It's like some horrible sitcom-y mix-up.
Small fry to mother hen.
Time.
You've got to stop him, Susie.
You're our last hope.
You can count on me.
Ah!
A herd of giant leather-skinned bald men.
I'll have to wrestle them to the ground one by one.
I'd better change my socks to improve my traction.
Ooh!
Okay, come at me!
Huh?
Oh, that's right.
Sure, run away.
You're just a bunch of baldy-bald guys wallowing in your own balditude.
Ah!
Pig me!
We failed.
I'll have to sell the house.
Don't worry, Mama.
Debtor's prisons aren't the horror they once were.
Here comes Johnny.
The finish line.
I knew that if I continued to persevere...
Johnny didn't make it.
Now we don't have to pay 3.6 billion dollars.
Let's get you to bed, little man.
Gentlemen, our worldwide conspiracy continues.
Oh, after me pot of gold, eh?
Taste clover, potty!
Oh, thank gold!
Ow!
Oop-a-goda!
I'm.
eating her!
What?
No more video games, Johnny.
You know Thursday night is our time.
But, Mama, I was playing battle leprechauns.
Come on, young man.
You know spending quality time together is the only
thing that keeps us from tearing each other apart.
All right, as long as we don't look at family albums again.
Let's see.
How about edition 12 volume 846?
Oh, uh, Mama, I just remembered my appendix burst, so I'd better...
Park it, young man!
Now, let's see.
Look, here's your great-great Uncle Benedict Bravo betraying us to the British.
And here's your distant cousin Vasco de Bravo
setting out to discover the fountain of youth.
Here he is years later, old, poor, and friendless.
What's that, Mama?
Oh, my.
That's the badge belonging to your great grandpappy, Lone Star Bravo.
Yeah, that's great.
Well, I'm gonna go get a taco.
Sit down, young man!
It was an untamed time, filled with greed, lawlessness,
and skinny deputies with high-nasal voices.
Citizens of moist rock!
As y'all know, the last 54 sheriffs have been curly-slapped
and run out of town by the vicious hombre, Salad Fork Dan.
Who will step forward and bring the rule of law to our town?
And be the 55th dang-fool sheriff?
Well, I thought I'd have to be plum-crazy.
He-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he.
Aw, come on, people.
I'll throw in this free-canvas tote bag.
I'd love to help you out, Deputy.
But Salad Fork Dan's the saloon's best customer and a darn good tipper.
Oh, woe is us.
Where, oh, where is the brave, handsome lawman who
will take our town back from salad-bought then?
Johnny, would you stop singing that annoying song?
Now, you wait here while I run in and fetch
them fancy support garments I hear tell about.
Now's my chance to meet some of them frontier honeys.
Ha-ha!
Well, slap my saddlebags.
Hey, it's all dark and buckskinny.
How about we go back to my home on the range and
I show you how the deer and the antelope play.
You know, that's why chicks will never get the vote.
Hey there, burly mountain man.
Want to be sheriff?
No way.
My mama told me about you fast-talking city folk,
taking innocent mountain men and making them sheriffs.
Mm, too bad.
Chicks dig sheriffs.
I'm in.
Well, that was easy.
Let's clean this town up.
All right, you.
I'll give you till sundown to get out of town.
All right, I'll let you off with a warning.
Oh, no!
Look at all these tumbleweeds.
You know, I guess we just can't have nice things around these here parts.
Keeping the peace gives me a powerful thirst.
Hey, Barkeep.
Saspriland.
Keep them coming.
Hey there, new sheriff.
Care for a little game of chance?
Sure, Pops.
Guess which hand the silver dollar's in?
I'll give you a hint.
It's the left hand.
Uh... Left.
Too bad.
Better luck next time.
I'm just not lucky.
Where's the new sheriff I heard about?
It's Salad Fork Dan.
He's the guy who did it all 54-year predecessors.
Now, see, that's a bit of information I could have really used before I took the job.
Do something, Sheriff.
Right.
Yeah, look what we got here.
Morrist Rock's got itself a new sheriff.
Sheriff?
Oh, oh, you mean the star.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I, I, I, I just like to accessorize.
There's only one thing I hate worse than a sheriff, and that's when you order a
poached egg, and they break the yolk, and it's all getting on your bacon,
and then there's that piece of parsley on the plate.
And I'm like, why would I want to eat a tiny tree?
What am I, some kind of dang monkey?
Where was I again?
You were about to get on a train to Chicago.
Right.
Okay, bye.
Be sure to ride.
Oh, boy, look at all the tall buildings.
Hey, you're rare, Sheriff.
Aren't you gonna tuck me in first?
Well, okay, I...
Stop!
I won't let you hurt another sheriff.
At least not in here, around all this glass and period furniture.
Well, I guess you're right.
Sheriff, I'll meet you in the street at high noon.
Ooh, that's no good for me.
House three.
Noon it is.
Ha!
Spinning.
Okay, lunchtime.
I brought cheesesteaks.
I hope you brought the chips.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This is finger food.
Look, I'll show you.
Uh... Gang!
Mama, you brought the cavalry.
Yes.
Well, I never gave up my commission in Hooker's regiment.
Take him away, boys!
Our town is saved!
Ma'am, how would you like to be our new sheriff?
But what'll Johnny do?
Uh... He can be spittoon boy at Pop's place.
Spittoon boy?
No way, I'm out of here.
It'll help you meet chicks.
I'm in.
And that's how the Bravos helped settle the West, where
they crowded the plains and performed low-menial tasks.
Johnny?
Not now, Mama.
Only three more leprechauns, and I win the gold shillelagh.
Of course, the gene pool has shallowed out a bit since then.
Hey, I didn't know there were bell peppers in the oriental chicken salad.
And I certainly didn't know about the underground volcano complex.
Now, I must defeat you!
Ah!
Soft linty death!
Evil polycotton blend!
Johnny!
Stop messing around!
Sorry, Master Hama.
I was practicing my pinky jab of terror.
Why don't you practice doing your stupid job before I fire you?
Go towel off, Jimmy.
He's all sweaty.
Okay.
Do I get a new belt color for that?
Hey-ya!
Gently, you fool!
I'll get cotton burn!
You know that powerful surprise blow that won the last match?
I would've done that differently.
You mean this one?
No!
Yeah, I would've done that differently.
Johnny!
Stop bothering students!
Go eat lunch or something.
But, Master Hama, I've got to uphold the honor of...
Ooh, lunch!
All right!
Peanut butter!
Ha-ha!
So, Hama, we meet again.
Oh, hello, Pantene Claw.
We missed you at Karatecon this year.
We went to Tampa.
We dropped many water balloons.
Big fun!
Big!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Oh, well.
Some of us have a life, you know.
Huh?
Oh, I will not long endure your scorn, you ying-Yang-yuts.
Someday soon, vengeance will be mine.
You got some soy sauce on your shirt.
Oh, thank you.
Ah!
Curse you, Hama!
Mmm, I love the creamy kind.
The chunk is good, but the nuts get stuck in my teeth and make me slur my consonants.
Hey!
Back off, buddy!
This is Johnny's sandwich.
Oh, you want a piece of me?
Well, you better cancel Christmas, chipmunk.
What an idiot.
Oh, running away, huh?
I want a rematch.
Very impressive, young master.
What do you call that karate style?
Uh, I don't know.
Chipmunk style, I guess.
You must teach me this chipmunk style so that
my dojo can make bean paste out of Hama's dojo.
Uh, look, my mama told me not to speak to strangers.
Join me, Johnny, and together we'll sweep the tri-state regionals.
Sure.
Why don't you call me about that at the office?
Seize him!
You fiend!
You'll never get away with this.
You have insulted the honor of my dojo.
Master Hama!
Kids, show me!
Okay, who wants hot dogs?
Welcome to my secret lair.
Do you like what I've done with the kitchen?
Don't walk on the carpet!
I just had it dry cleaned!
What do you want, villain?
I want a secret to your chipmunk technique.
I know you're loyal to Hama, but I can offer you wealth, power, good references.
Do you have a talking monkey?
Um, yes!
I'm in!
Excellent.
Observe carefully.
Did I get him?
So, you mock me?
Lock him in my rec room until he becomes more cooperative.
I warn you, Master Hama will rescue me and his vengeance will be swift and terrible!
Trapped!
Imprisoned in the Pantene Claws rec room, possibly for the rest of my life!
Hey, pinball!
Hello, Johnny.
I am the Pantene Claws' daughter, Ting.
I hate what my father has done to you.
I wish to free you.
First, why don't I show you how I got my eighth-degree love belt?
Hi-ya!
Or you could just free me.
Okay, Johnny.
But will you show me your chipmunk technique so that I may combat my father's evil?
Okay, but better make it quick.
Master Hama will be coming to rescue me!
And woe be unto my enemies at that particular time!
Okay, I got the peanut butter on me.
Now to find an oak tree with a chipmunk in it.
Here, chippy-chippy-chippy-chippy-chippy-chippy-chippy-chippy-chippy!
Here, chippy-chippy-chippy-chippy-chippy-chippy!
Note to self.
Don't do that again.
What a jerk.
Dad!
This is totally not working out at all!
I have lost Patience with you.
You will show me a chipmunk style, or I will karate you silly!
Gloat while you can, villain.
Master Hama is even now flying like the wind to come and save me!
Rats, out of skim milk.
Better run to the store.
Talk!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Never!
It's Master Hama!
I'm saved!
Hello, Johnny.
How you doing, Pentinclaw?
Talk!
Talk, I said!
Chippy!
I must be swift like the wind!
Yes!
Victory is mine!
Thanks, Chippy!
So, I beat up your dad.
Wanna go out?
Hi-yah!
Great!
So, I'll pick you up around eight.
Hey, kid.
Can I borrow your shovel?
No!
Look out.
Oh!
Bop, bop!
spaces, kesie!
Bop, bop!