One, two, three, hup!
Baby!
Sassy!
Ugly!
Oh!
Check-a-packs!
Man, I'm pretty!
Do the monkey with me!
Come on!
Hey there, baby!
Yeah, whatever.
I love me, I love me, do.
Johnny, guess what I did?
Created the handsomest, most funky man in the universe.
Well, yes, but I also booked us two tickets to Paris, France.
France?
You mean the home of French fries and French toast?
And hot French chicks?
The very same.
Just think of the fun we'll have.
Seeing the Eiffel Tower.
And the Arc de Triomphe.
And Notre Dame.
Yeah.
Imagine me at the Eiffel Tower.
And the Arc de Triomphe.
And Notre Dame.
So when we jetting, Mama?
Well, first, I've signed us up for a French class.
Class?
Do they teach kissing?
Mwah!
No, it'll teach us about the French food, their art, their language.
Aw, Mama, I don't need any of that stuff.
Especially the language.
I can talk in subtitles.
Watch.
Whoa, Mama!
Pretty good, huh?
Unless you can't read.
Uh, Mama, where's my subtitles?
No subtitles.
Just le French.
Oh, man.
Bonjour, Monsieur Frank.
Ah, and who do we have here?
I'm Bunny Bravo.
Madame Le Pan.
No.
Bunny.
My name is Bunny.
Oui, oui.
Le Pan is French for... Bunny.
Oh, brother.
And this is your little boy.
Oh, yes.
This is my Johnny.
We're going to Paris Friends.
Yes.
Class, this is a crash course in the French.
In order to be deemed worthy of visiting the luminous city of lights, you will have
to pay attention and pass the cumulative exam at the end of the class.
Is he still talking French?
Because I don't get a word of that.
Mais non.
Now, let us start with the language.
French, as you know, is the language of love.
L'amour, as we say in France.
Hey, hey, hey!
Leave the l'amour for le Johnny and le babes.
Now, just to freshen up on my bravo-abilities,
how do I say, hello, mama, in French?
That would be bonjour, mama.
Bon Jovi?
Jour, jour.
Bon-jour.
That's hello?
No, that is good day.
That is what we say in France.
What if it ain't day?
Fine.
Since you are butchering our language, let us move on to the French food.
Cool.
You got any seven-layer dip?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Man, your dairy products smell a little ripe for the pickin'.
Let us move on.
I would like a volunteer to dine with me.
French or not, food is food.
Oui, madame.
Come, come.
Oh, man.
But I only had two breakfasts today.
As an appetizer, wonderfully delicious stinky cheese on a cracker.
Very good, yes?
No, it's very good.
No.
Savor it in your palate and I will be back with more delicacies.
Oh, Johnny.
That tastes as bad as it smells.
Trey, yucky!
Well, I ain't having my mama eating no more of this nastiness.
This is a job for Johnny Bravo.
What is this?
Ah, yeah.
This is me switching places with mama.
Like I said, I'm hungry.
Even for your crazy smelly food.
It is a plate of a French delicacies that I know you will enjoy.
What Johnny doesn't know is that this French delicacy is actually snails.
Mmm, crunchy and chewy.
You are not supposed to eat the shell, boy.
Oh.
Almost.
Oh, man!
I am.
Now that Monsieur Johnny has also ruined our French cuisine, we will try to relax,
enjoying some beautiful art de la France.
First, the amazing...
Mona Lisa!
Ew!
Also at the Louvre is the Venice de Milo.
Where's her arms?
Yes, due to the passage of time, the Venice
de Milo's arms have unfortunately broken off.
Cheap!
But, if you will all come and look at her closely,
you can see the detail of this wonderful masterpiece.
Ooh!
Ah!
And now, class, I hope you have been paying attention.
For now, we will see if you are en vogue.
So, put on your sinking caps.
Or, chapeau des penseux, as we say in Paris.
For now, we come to our grand finale.
Vive la France!
Hey, and this statue is kind of fun.
Can you buy one in a leopard print?
Why, you...
Felicitations, Caroline!
You get to go to France!
Whee!
And, finalement, in our test of... Les Johnny Bravo!
Whee!
Now, Johnny, let us see what you know.
Or, what you don't know.
First question.
I am walking down the Champs-Élysées, and I see a dog.
What do I do?
Pet the dog?
Or enjoy some stinky cheese?
Um, pet the dog?
No!
I am French!
I ignore the dog, and enjoy some stinky cheese!
Next, I have entered a new culotte.
Do I buy an SUV, or enjoy some stinky cheese?
Oh, man, you gotta buy that SUV!
No!
I buy the SUV, and fill it with stinky cheese!
Hey!
Come on, Johnny!
You can do it!
If you are French, which do you prefer?
Le whiz of cheese, or le stinky cheese?
I'll take the whiz!
No, no!
Once again, it was the stinky cheese!
What are the chances?
Stinky cheese!
Hold on, now.
I think I'm seeing a pattern here.
For our final question, in which I give you the option of all or nothing,
which is to say... You get this right.
You get it all.
But if you get it wrong, you get nothing.
If I were to enjoy a baguette, what would I enjoy it with?
A pat of delicious, creamy, smooth butter?
Or a slice of fetid, fusty, musty, malodorous, putrid, rancid, and smelly cheese?
I'm gonna say... The stinky cheese!
You won, Johnny!
You get to go to France!
Excuse me one sec, Mama.
Before I invade your country, I just have one thing to say to you.
The who-sa-her.
I'm gonna go to France!
I will not accept this defeat!
I will not subject my country to your ignorance!
I challenge you to a duel!
Are you threatening me with bread?
Oh!
Touché!
You, Monsieur Bravo, have failed.
And with that failure, I'll destroy your ticket!
Your purple...
And your hair!
What the...
I am mean, no?
Hold it right there, Frank!
Madame Le Pen!
That's Bunny Bravo to you, buddy!
What is the problem?
We can still experience l'amour.
It is not you who I'm banishing from France.
No, but it's my Johnny!
And you can tear up his ticket!
You can crumple his passport!
But you cannot mess with his doom!
Au revoir to you, Monsieur Snootypants!
But, Mama, where are we gonna go for our vacation?
Oh, Johnny, we'll always have Paris!
Paris, Texas, that is!
Now, if I can just figure out this crazy language...
Howdy, y'all!
Can I get an order of them there French fries?
Y'all!
Can you believe how great Paris is, Johnny?
Yes, I can!
I can!
Can-can, can-can-can-can-can-can-can-can!
Can-can-can-can-can-can-can-can-can-can!
Can-can-can-can-can-can-can!
You know, this should make the Popcorn channel.
Honey, that's a brilliant idea!
Then we could watch Popcorn Pop 24 hours a day!
So, then, how would you eat the popcorn if it's on TV?
Why do you have to ruin everything?
Don't you just love TV night?
Now we can sit up all night and zone out till we pass out.
I got the drinks.
Check.
Napkins and doilies?
Check.
Oh, yeah.
It's party time.
TV, bring it on.
Oh, yeah.
What the...
Maybe you're pressing the wrong button.
It's not working!
Maybe the TV's broken.
Watch your mouth, kid.
It can hear you.
I think she's right, honey.
There's nothing we can do if the TV's broken.
We're just gonna have to find something else to do to pass the time.
But what else is there besides watching TV?
Hmm.
I know.
We should do what they used to do before the invention of TV.
Hunt dinosaurs?
No, silly.
We should tell each other folk tales.
I'd rather hunt dinosaurs.
Now, if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it right.
Mama.
Mama!
Oh, calm down.
I'm just setting the mood.
Oh, yeah.
I knew that.
So, what kind of story do you want?
Sunshine and meatballs or Creepy Bunko?
Creepy!
Creepy, you say.
Then creepy it is!
Ah!
Mama, is that still you?
Sunshine and meatballs.
Phew!
Creepy Bunko!
Ooh!
Yay!
This story is one of my all-time favorites.
It's entitled, The Arms That Wouldn't Quit.
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful man who loved his body.
Boy, do I love my body.
Mm-hmm.
It's like too much heaven.
Every day, the man would begin his morning workout doing dumbbell curls.
Man, I'm good.
But this was no ordinary day.
Unfortunately, the man became so mesmerized by the
sweeping motion of his arm that he kept on going.
Wow, I think I'm jealous of myself.
The motion was so hypnotic, it eventually put the poor man to sleep.
When the man woke up, he discovered something horrifying.
His right arm was now five times its original size.
This is so not good.
To balance himself out, the man furiously
began doing dumbbell curls on his other arm.
Work it, own it, work it, own it, work it, own it.
Unfortunately, he overdid it and made that one even bigger.
Aw, man.
This made the right arm jealous, so it furiously began working itself out.
Not wanting to be inferior, the left arm feverishly began a separate workout.
I knew I should have done a Rolex today.
As they continued to grow in size, the arms found that the man was holding them back.
So without warning, the arms detached from the man and
set off to work out without a body to tie them down.
Seriously, who wrote this story?
The two did anything and everything they could to pump themselves up.
And pump they did.
Looks like I need to rethink my workout.
Finally, the two decided to have an arm wrestling contest
to prove once and for all who was better than whom.
As the two arms battled it out, it was apparent that there was to be no winner.
And what happened to the man with no arms, you ask?
Well, some people say that he goes from door to
door to this very day looking for a donation.
That is, if you don't mind giving a hand out.
Donny Armand?
Brr, it's cold outside.
Did I miss TV night?
Hey, Mama, who invited him?
Oh, Johnny.
Goodwill and sure don't need an invitation.
They just come naturally.
Hi, Donny.
Come on in and sit down.
The TV's broken, so we're telling each other folk tales.
No way.
I am so there.
Whose turn is it now?
Well, I think... Oh, wait.
One just came to me.
But I can wait my turn.
Okay, so I think it's... Oh, could I?
No, wait.
Sorry.
I can wait.
That sounds... Then again, it is short.
Will you knock it off?
Just tell your story before your head explodes.
Well, if you insist.
Now, this story is one that's been passed
down through the many generations of Osmunds.
It's entitled, Jack and Jill.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came along with it.
So you've heard this one.
Well then, let's finish it out altogether.
Then all of a sudden, a monster appeared from under the
hill he came to ravage the land and pillage and loot.
To him, it was all just a game.
So Jack took a tree from out of the ground and batted the beast away.
He flew way up high, straight into the clouds, and is out there to this very day.
So make sure that you're good to all those
you love or the beast will fall from the sky.
He'll land on your head and squish you to bits even if you tell a lie.
My brother Alan used to tell me that story every night.
Hey, weren't we supposed to finish that story together?
Okay then, I think it's Susie's turn.
Awesome, this is so great.
They should have a TV channel that just tells stories 24 hours a day.
Or one that would make you disappear.
You mean like a magic channel?
Yeah, something like that.
Ahem.
We'll talk later.
But I love that magic idea.
My story is a beautiful tale, a fable if you will, entitled The Toad and the Mermaid.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there was a
prince who was thoughtless, selfish, and insensitive.
One day, while hitting on a beautiful enchantress, the
prince went a little too far and made the enchantress angry.
So as punishment, the prince was transformed into an ugly toad so that he
could feel what it was like to be, well, an ugly toad.
In order to break the spell, she told him, you must find the kiss of true love.
Only someone who loves you for who you are
will be able to turn you back into the prince.
Now, in this far away land, there were many princesses of
which the toad could choose from to find his true love.
Everything makes me want to sing la la la la la.
Like this apple which I'd like to know.
Ahem.
Unfortunately, the toad still had a thing or two to learn about women.
Wouldn't you rather save your lips for the flavor you craver?
Mm-hmm.
I'll take that as a maybe.
As the prince stood in his misery, the beautiful mermaid Suzanne rode upon
the scene atop her beautiful white unicorn.
Boring!
Do you mind?
Suzanne's in the middle of her big entrance.
You mean boring entrance.
Johnny!
Hey, what if she were riding a long-eared donkey?
That'd make the story less boring.
Anyhow... Whoa!
Ugh!
Nice donkey.
Oh, prince, will you never learn?
You must be patient and kind in order to find the kiss of true love.
Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah.
What about a kissing booth?
And those princesses you were talking about earlier?
They'd probably be chomping at the bit to turn me back into a prince.
Now that's what I'm talking about.
Yes, but only the kiss of true love can turn you back into a prince.
Mwah!
True love, right here.
And we lived happily ever after.
Ew!
But... Like I said, it has to be a kiss of true love.
True love, happiness, end of story.
True love doesn't lie.
Maybe in your world...
You're never going to find true love this way.
So then how is this story supposed to end if I can't find my kiss of true love?
Oh, hush up, boy!
Mama?
Like she said, only a kiss from someone who loves you for
who you are will be able to turn you back into a prince.
After all, who could love their child more than their own dear mother?
Yeah, I guess that works.
Hey, why doesn't it end with the prince marrying some hot Princess chick?
Duh, because it's not your story?
Well, what if I... Hey, now!
Who's in the mood for fudge?
Fudge?
What?
I am so there.
Whoa!
Oh!
Hey, a cord.
Maybe if we follow it, we'll reach a pot of gold.
Oh.
Oh well.
Who needs gold when you got good times?
You mean to tell me the TV was unplugged the whole time?
I must have forgotten to plug it back when I was vacuuming.
Hey, Kung Fu Baywatch and chicks!
Cool beans!
I love ninjas!
Oh no!
How are they going to get out of this one?
I know!
And how do they run in those high heels?
Now that's entertainment.