Everybody, I have a listing.
A listing?
Now, since the market is as tight as an Englishman's cricket shoes,
it's only fair this assignment go to the employee I feel is most deserving.
Me!
Oh..
Oh, and for the rest of you,
if you're lucky enough to get a listing, well, you'll now get two weeks to sell it.
And if you don't, it goes back to my top sales person…
- Still me. - Ohh…
No, you don't!
Sizemore Realty!
This is Peggy Hill speaking! But you can call me your realtor.
Mashed potatoes and French fries?
If it's bad news, Mom, just let me have it.
Let the starches flow like water! I have a listing!
- Way to go! - Way to go, Aunt Peggy!
Well, all right, Peggy.
That's a pretty big deal considering the rough housing market.
Yes. Yes, it is.
But I only have two weeks to sell the house
or I will lose the listing and maybe my job.
No, no. You enjoy those fries, Bobby.
Because I plan on staging the heck out of this house.
What's staging?
It's like a home makeover.
I fill the house with flowers, candles, and nice furniture
so people won't have a chance to imagine
how bad it's gonna look with their crap in it.
I know what'll attract a big crowd!
You can put in a Gap! People love The Gap.
The last hose you'll ever buy!
I've had to buy it three times!
And I'm buying it again! This is gonna be the one!
Oh, God. Look who's here.
That home inspector, Bud Ferguson.
Where? Where is he?
Bud Ferguson pushing a shopping cart like a mere mortal!
That jerk killed two of our sales last month
because the houses had "structural problems."
Like every house doesn't have those.
It's Ferguson's job to be tough. And he's darn good at it.
Did you know he discovered faulty wiring at Beau Chute's house
through three layers of drywall?
Of course we do.
You fail a Ferguson inspection, everyone in Arlen knows.
Poor Chute was so humiliated he had to move to a Dakota.
His unsalable house still sits empty.
Sad for him, sad for the house.
I will sell this house by 1 p.m.
Your open house starts in an hour.
So what do you say you jump in the car and go for a little spin around the state?
Even if I was physically capable of getting into an automobile,
I ain't going nowhere with outsiders in the house.
They'll steal our stuffs.
The open house was a disaster.
That woman, she kept kissing
her ferret on the mouth!
I don't know who I felt worse for!
Oh! Ugly people sure do ruin a lot.
They've done studies with newborns.
And if given the choice, babies would rather go to pretty strangers
than their own ugly parents.
Well, obviously, babies are not as stupid as they look. That's it!
Nancy, that's what I need. Beautiful people!
If I populate the open house with beautiful people,
no one will notice the ugly ones!
And who are the best looking people in town?
Well, librarians after they take off their glasses and actors.
I will go with the actors!
Welcome, cast members of the 142 Taylor Avenue open house.
Right now you are a random assortment of very good looking actors.
But by next weekend's open house, you will be a family.
Sounds great. I hate my real family.
So Madame Director, what do you want us to do?
Well. Huh… Um, why don't you act?
If you want us to act, we need a script.
We're not improv people.
A script. Right, Melrose.
Which means, I get to write one.
I will write about how wonderful the house is.
People will fall in love with it.
And bingo, it's sold.
I'm just gonna have to dig deep into my tortured soul to write this thing.
I will call my mother.
Frank, why don't you warm up the actors?
All right, everybody. Let's warm up.
Thirty-three minutes to cut a lawn.
That's a personal best.
Unique New York. Unique New York.
- Unique New York. - What the…
Unique New York.
- Unique New York. - Hey, Dad, check it out!
- New York… - I'm an actor!
Unique New York.
Peggy, this is crazy.
Using actors to sell houses is a dumb idea.
Hank, my job is on the line.
I have to sell that freak house.
And I have one week to write a script
and get it up on its feet before the open house.
These actors are my only hope.
But, Peggy, the boy, he's swaying.
Hank, if, god forbid, you were desperate to keep your job
and had to peddle propane in our living room, I would not object.
All right, fine.
But please don't ever compare acting to propane again.
Connections.
This play is about how this house has affected people's lives.
Now let's do the scene between Luanne,
her husband, and emotionally distant father.
And how they connect in this mid-century kitchen with modern upgrades.
I know this is way uncool.
But can we do my scenes first?
I've got a mattress commercial this afternoon.
- Oh, you got that? - Good. Good.
Okay, everybody.
Let's do the scene in the walk-in closet-slash-third bedroom.
Okay, in this scene, Frank…
Peggy, I know writer's word is gold. But do I have to say this?
"French doors"?
"Doors" is fine. It's the other word.
Okay. I do not know what the French did to you.
But I will work around them.
Fine. Kitchen scene. Hustle!
Oh, God.
Stay where you are, Hank.
The actors have to get used to working around the freaky people.
Everybody, pretend Hank is a scary old man with an oxygen tank.
Girls, I've got good news and bad news.
I'll start with the bad. Your mother is dead.
- Oh, no! - Mother!
But the good news is that her memory will live on in this house.
Its sturdy frame, just like hers, and large bay windows,
like your mother's big blue eyes that will never open again…
Father!
Dangit, Dale. I told you
the bed is off limits.
"Don't sit on my bed." "Don't try on my belts."
You sure have a lot of rules, King Don't.
Knock it off, Dale.
I got enough problems with these actors crawling all over my house.
Eating imaginary bananas when real ones are sitting right there in a bowl.
I don't know what I'd do if I had actors in my house.
We'd probably play charades late into the night.
Then get drunk on sangria and practice our Oscar speeches.
I could rid you of your extremely attractive pests, Hank.
I won't say when. I will say scorpions.
I'm not sure if it's the high ceilings or the recessed lighting.
- But this room makes me… - It's a miracle, my love!
Cut!
Luanne, you entered too early again.
Bobby says, "Makes me want to dance." He dances.
Then you rush in.
Come on, people!
We have got one week to get this right or I will lose my job!
Action!
It's a miracle, my love!
After fifteen years, we are pregnant.
And I know exactly who's responsible…
this house.
Chris? What are you doing here?
Interrupting my knitting group?
I know what you're doing here.
Using actors to sell houses.
Brilliant.
You're making real estate history, Peggy. And I want to be a part of it.
More specifically, I want a part in it.
He's not even hot.
It wouldn't be fair to just throw you in.
See, these are professional actors.
"All love the womb that their first being bred.
Then give my tongue like leave to love my head."
Well, you're my boss.
Another guy, great.
There goes my chimney monologue.
Fine! I'll rewrite the freaking thing!
You guys are still up?
It's 11:30.
Dad, Mom's been typing for six hours straight…
except for that fifteen minutes when she just started crying.
Hank, it is impossible to please all my actors.
But I just did!
Oh, forgot to save.
I was hoping you'd take the house back, and maybe your old dad too?
I missed you so much, Dad. Hug me.
Where is Melrose?
I'm calling from the set.
On the phone?
Wait, okay. I can handle this.
You are on the phone because you are away at school.
Melrose is away at college
and is calling because she misses her family. No, her home.
Frank, go with it!
Um, I know you're trying to break the cycle
of being the first one in the family to graduate college.
But we miss you.
And more importantly, the house misses you.
Did everyone feel that? It was real. And it was good.
I could even feel it here, Frank.
Oh, my goodness!
Well, we might actually pull this off.
At this rate, tomorrow's dress rehearsal is gonna be fantastic.
Now, everybody, remember to bring friends so it feels like a real open house.
I love the theater! It's in me now!
Spencer, the talk.
Bobby, did you know I'm 35-years-old,
and I spend my weekends in a sandwich costume just to make rent?
This is the story of a family.
But it's not about the people in the family.
Nay, it's a story about what keeps them together.
This is the story of a house.
Good lord.
They told me you died in the war.
I did.
I saw the white light, God, the whole nine.
But while there, I couldn't stop thinking about home.
So I couldn't stay dead.
You can start the party! Cousin Joey has arrived!
I didn't knock because I never do.
Which is why doctors will never tell you that homesick is the worst kind of sick.
And one day,
I will honor this house by becoming the man she always knew I could be.
Brava, Peggy. Brava!
Again, this play idea, genius!
I, however, have surpassed that genius
and gone on to create a new level of genius by inviting a client to the show.
Oh, good. You are my target audience.
Come on, how much did you love it?
It was great. So great, I made an offer on the house.
I don't understand.
I sold you a house that you've never even seen?
No, Peggy. That would make you a witch.
He made an offer on this house.
What? But this is my house. It's not for sale.
Even at 25K over asking price?
- With a full cash deposit? - Sold!
I can't believe you've sold our house!
I know! And for a very good price.
Twenty-five K over asking in a down market.
Would you open it, Dad? You know, autographs.
Has this family gone insane?
That's it! Bobby, open your own dang soda.
Peggy, we're not moving. End of story.
I am sorry, Hank.
When I sold our house, I was drunk on the powerful elixir that is fame.
But we cannot back out of this sale.
It will destroy my reputation,
which after tonight, is off the freaking charts.
Well, that's just too bad. I'm not selling this house, Peggy.
But, Hank, there will be a huge penalty if we back out.
It could be ten thousand dollars.
I'm not paying anything! You have to get us out of this.
End of discussion.
Okay, Hank. I will find a way to keep our house.
Actors got us into this. Actors will get us out.
I do appreciate you letting me see the place during the day.
Pst. Yo, your loan payment's "L" to the "ate."
If you don't cough up the scrilla, you'll have to answer to the Jets.
Hey, I just moved in down the block.
And I'm required by law to tell everybody I'm a sex offender.
Good lord!
Just ignore them. They're actors.
Sir, I'm gonna level with you.
This is all a big mistake.
Our home is not for sale.
I have no interest in selling the house where I raised my boy and my dog.
See now? This is exactly the kind of life I want.
No! This is my life and you can't have it.
Kill the train, Bobby.
I'm gonna get some sleep.
Unless you plan on selling the bed.
You will regret that dig because I have figured out a way to get out of the sale
and protect my reputation as super realtor.
All we have to do is not pass the inspection.
There's no way this house will fail an inspection.
Sure it can. If we stage it to make it look damaged.
And our inspector is Ferguson. So it will be easy to fail.
Ferguson? Your reputation can take the hit!
Because there's no goddang way I'm looking like a fool
in front of the greatest inspector of our generation.
Hank, there isn't any other way. We can't afford the penalty.
Master craftsman versus master inspector.
I wonder if you'll fight to the death.
So we're definitely not gonna be friends with Ferguson?
Maybe we can be frienemies.
A love/hate relationship's the next best thing.
I'm sorry, Bill.
We're not gonna be anything with Ferguson after I fail his inspection,
and everyone in Arlen hears about it.
Problem remains. How will you fail? Your house is perfection.
Well, you got me.
I've taken such good care of my home,
I don't even know what a bad one looks like.
This beam's rotting.
And over there, you've got your termite damage.
And look what I can do.
How is that even possible?
That's nothing compared to this.
Put some brown around the edges
so it looks like it's progressed to phase two.
And Bobby, when your mom's done with the ladder,
replace our air filter with, uh, Mister Dauterive's.
Dad, if it makes you feel better, I don't want to be an actor anymore.
Thank you, son.
Look at this place.
My whole life has been a lie.
Oh, I'm sorry, Hank. I just got carried away.
I'm gonna vomit.
Be strong, Hank.
Remember, this is the only way to save our house.
But if you need to, we could use an extra carpet stain in Bobby's room.
Doorbell doesn't work.
It's not dangerous. But it is a violation.
With all the home-improvement shows these days,
you'd think maintenance wouldn't be such an alien concept.
Oh, this is really horrible.
I feel like your boxing manager. And you've been beat up.
And I have to cut your eye with a razor so you can see.
If I were a joking man, I'd say, "Here's the damage." But I'm not.
I'm gonna have to fail this house.
It'd take a skilled craftsman a thousand man hours to fix it.
A thousand man hours? That's, that's a lot of money!
Sorry, folks. I'm out.
Care to read my report, Mister Hill?
No. I'll wait and read it with everyone else in town.
I'm thinking the master craftsman
who destroyed this house should have no problem repairing it.
Uh, you're talking over my head here, sir.
I'm… I'm just a bad homeowner.
Mister Hill, only someone with incredible skills
could make such a well maintained home appear so damaged.
I'm impressed.
This is a house of healing.
Uncle Jeb, you don't need that oxygen tank to breathe in here.
Yes, he does. Bobby, put his mask back on.
Well, obviously, babies are not as stupid as they look.