- Yep. - Yep.
Mm-hm.
Yep, I'm happy.
I just found out the Texas Propane Commission
is giving me another Blue Flame of Valor.
- Top drawer! - Hey, all right!
Way to dang ol' go, man.
I wish I worked for someone
who'd hand out an award every now and then.
- But, no, I work for the army. - Yes, this is indeed a banner day.
I've just come up with a new get rich quick scheme.
I going to apply to be a waiter at Bazooms!
But all the waiters at Bazooms are waitresses.
Yes, they are ladies, whereas I am a man.
And a flat-chested one at that.
So Bazooms won't hire me.
And when they don't, I'll sue for sex discrimination.
It's a brilliant idea.
Dang it, Dale. Did you ever get the brilliant idea
to make money through dedication and hard work?
Yep. Dismissed it.
I can't wait until I'm doing this with beer cans.
Why do we need a policeman at school?
Yeah, it's like they took something sucky and made it even suckier.
Aw!
Um, I know this looks bad, but I didn't throw that can.
Principal Moss, this young man threw a can at me.
Aw, shoot.
But I didn't. Clark Peters threw the can. He and Dooley set me up.
Bobby, there's no excuse for this.
Sure, Officer Brown maybe a disgraced cop who tampered with evidence,
got pulled off his beat and assigned this nothing position,
- but this here used to be a man. - Yes, I was.
All right, your punishment's going to be to work alongside Officer Brown
for the rest of the week.
- Okay. - Okay.
It's not fair. I'm being punished for something I didn't do.
Well, you hang out with a bad crowd, that's what happens.
Maybe it won't be so bad.
I'll finally get to pull rank on the crossing guards.
Watch out, Emily, I'm coming for you.
Well, Peggy, thanks for a delicious breakfast.
If that's how the Belgians make their waffles,
then I haven't given them a fair shake.
You are welcome.
I wanted to do something special in honor of your Blue Flame of Valor.
And guess what? I got you a present.
The '77 Cowboys! Peggy, it's beautiful!
And it's signed by the whole team.
- Even the team doctor, or trainer. - Lars Olsen!
Roger Staubach, Golden Richards, Tony Dorsett,
Pat Donov… what the heck?
This isn't how Pat Donovan signs his name.
- Who's Pat Donovan? - He was our left tackle.
Master of the pancake block and the long, flowing signature.
This is tight, little chicken scratch.
- It's a fake! - Are you sure?
- Peggy. - We need to return this forgery!
Damn straight. Where did you get it?
At Metrowalk.
I hate that place.
It's like a magnet for bums and hooligans and young people.
Come on, we're going to go there and demand our money back.
Oh, Hank, honey, you forgot your wallet.
- So, you've never waited tables before? - Nope.
And you have no restaurant experience of any kind?
- Nuh-uh. - And you're a man?
Well, I don't know why that should matter, but yes.
Congratulations, you got the job.
Do what now?
Look at this place. It's like hell. Or Dallas.
What the?
It appears we are standing on a fountain.
Got a dollar? Change?
Look, I didn't mind when you gave me diet,
and I was okay that you put cheese on this even though I'm lactose intolerant.
It's just… I know I gave you a 20.
Can I at least have the right change?
Someone's getting ripped off.
How long have we been here, three minutes?
They ought to burn this place down.
Oh, Hank, here we are.
Now, let's get our money back and get the heck out of here…
byway of Sephora. It's the only place that still carries Charlie.
Hey, buddy. What can I interest you in?
We've got an autographed Pete Rose jersey, an autographed Pete Rose rookie card,
an autographed Pete Rose autograph.
That's right, it's his signature within his signature.
I don't want to buy anything. I'm here to make a return.
That is not Pat Donovan's signature.
Sure it is.
Hey, Leo, isn't this how Pat Donovan signs his name?
Yep. Told ya.
And here, I've got a certificate of authenticity.
It's signed by Paul Johnson.
I don't care who the heck it's signed by.
This is a fake and I want my got-dang money back.
- Sorry, all sales are final. - Well, that just tears it.
Come on, Peggy.
Let's get out of here before I leave Thom McCann's autograph on this guy's ass.
Bobby Hill, reporting for duty.
Fine. Have a seat.
So, when do we get to round up some perps?
We don't.
Sure, I used to shoot people and see dead bodies and stuff,
but those were happier times.
Wait a second! Truancy is a school issue.
And I know for a fact that Dooley and Clark Peters
skipped class to hang out at Whattaburger.
They're there right now.
Come on, let's go catch us some truants!
Whatever.
I'm fed up with it. Everywhere you turn, someone's trying to rip you off.
And it's not just the guys with the tattoos anymore.
It's a disgrace.
Oh, that little puppy wind-up toy is so cute!
You see… oh, it just jumped!
I gotta… I'll be back in just a minute.
Hey! Hey, you! Get back here!
- Give me that wallet! - Okay, okay.
I ought to tear your head off.
Yeah, you better run.
What happened?
A thief just tried to walk off with my wallet.
Really?
- But wait, I have your wallet in my purse. - What?
You left the house in such a hurry, you forgot to take it.
Oh, my God, Peggy. I'm a mugger!
They cannot pin this on you. It's not your fault
that all men's wallets look the same.
Now maybe we can reopen the fanny pack discussion?
- No. - Fine. Why don't we just go back
and turn the wallet in to mall security?
Peggy, security guards aren't real cops.
They don't have the same high ethical standards.
They'd have kept all the money, and I'd take the heat.
Well, then you need to return it yourself.
Just open up the wallet and find some identification.
It just seems wrong. A man's wallet is a very personal thing.
- It's like money filled underwear. - You have no choice, Hank.
Okay, here's the guy's ID.
"Barry Rollins, 2015 Ridge Street, McMaynerbury."
He's not an organ donor. Probably a drinker.
He was a white man, about 40.
- What's his name? - What? I don't know.
Huh. Did you get a picture of him? A confession, something?
No!
Huh…
Okay, be safe now.
Wha… Please!
I'm tired of being a victim!
Uh. Hi, this is Hank.
Just Hank. Let's leave it at that.
I have your wallet, and I've got your address.
Don't go to the police. Let's just you and me settle this.
I'll be seeing you.
You messed with the wrong guy.
In fact, you made me the wrong guy.
Forty-two years of being picked on ends today.
Well, we're almost at Whattaburger.
Boy, will Dooley and Clark Peters ever be surprised to see us!
Yeah. You know, Bobby,
it's been awhile since I've driven to a crime scene.
And sure, truancy is no homicide or armed robbery
or public urination, but it still feels good to hit the streets.
So, can we use this?
Yeah, what the hell.
Here we go!
You got them, Officer Brown!
You set up the wrong guy, boyos!
I tell ya, Bobby, it's just nice to nab some suspects.
I'm a suspect.
That dang Barry Rollins.
I know if someone inadvertently robbed me, I'd at least give 'em the courtesy
of a return phone call.
Hank, why don't you just admit you meant to steal the wallet?
It's okay… sometimes I take things.
Uh, where's the light beer?
I've got to fit into a uniform, people.
I can't believe you took the job.
I had to… they only offered me the job because they thought I wouldn't take it.
They were calling my bluff… now I'm calling their bluff.
It's a classic double-bluff-reverseo.
Wow, there's even a name for it.
When they see I'm not quitting, they'll have to fire me.
And when they do… sha-sha! I sue for sex discrimination.
You're an evil genius.
Yep, the only downside is, the other waitresses really resent me.
See, I'm a lousy waiter who, unlike them, is not constantly sexually harassed
by the customers.
You're talking nonsense, Barry, I…
Did I just call you Barry? I can't get him out of my head.
I gotta go call him again.
Pushed too far.
Uh… Hi.
It's Hank. Remember me?
Look, since you keep dodging me, you've left me no choice.
I'm coming over, and we'll settlethis face-to-face.
Yeah, face-to-face with these!
Order 59 is up!
Thank you, Pedro.
I can't believe you got this job.
My girlfriend wasn't hired because of you.
And she's a great waitress with a very expensive body.
Are you suggesting that I shouldn't work here because of my gender?
I like the way you think, girlfriend!
Would you be willing to put that in writing?
In the manager's writing?
Hold on, honey. Let me clear off a place for you to sit.
There you are, my man.
Hey, who do you like in the Mavericks game tonight?
I like the Mavs… they're good in the post,
and their perimeter game has really been clicking.
Well, amen to that, brother!
Here's your tip from table four.
Wow, I'm getting bigger tips than the attractive,
competent women just because I'm a man.
Amen to that, brother! Woo! Oh, yeah!
So this is where Barry Rollins lives.
Mm… I hate showing up empty-handed.
- We really should've brought wine. - Let's just get this over with.
A man can only bend so far.
Sooner or later, he breaks.
Do you know the sound of a man breaking?
Do you? Do you?
That's the sound.
You fool.
The fat guy and the fairly good-looking guy can't save you.
I'd swear I heard someone in there.
Well, I guess nobody's home.
Dang it, I just want to leave the wallet for him.
Maybe his door is unlocked.
Huh, I wonder if it'll fit in the mail slot?
What the?
Want to come in… for a beer?
Hey, buddy, I'm just trying to give your wallet back.
My name is Barry Rollins,
and I demand respect!
Talkin' bout ol' dang ol' freakin' out like that, man.
What do we do? I don't want him to follow me home.
Bazooms! Dale will believe us. He can help us.
Well, Bazooms is a public place.
We can go there and figure out what we should do next.
I'm glad you talked me into taking out the ol' squad car.
Those truants are gonna soil themselves when they see this baby coming.
Yeah.
Hey, that's my dad's truck.
He ran a red light.
Something's wrong. He's speeding!
Huh!
Somebody's after my dad.
Oh, my God, it's a high-speed chase.
We've got to pursue.
He's gaining on us, Hank.
There's Bazooms!
Hey, guys. Sit in my section.
How about some hot wings, on the house?
I find if I bring people things and don't ring them up,
- the tips are incredible. - No, Dale, we…
Oh, God. Oh, no!
We're gonna be all right. We're gonna be all right.
Aah.
- Dale, he's here? - What? Who's here?
The wallet guy. I don't know what happened.
We tried to give him his wallet back, and he went crazy.
- What do we do? - I'll figure this out.
Okay. Do you have darts tipped with poison?
- Darts tipped with anything? - No.
Well, you're not giving me much to work with, but I'll come up with something.
Wait. You missed the entrance. That's where they went in.
Sorry, Bobby, it's been a longtime.
I didn't want the chase to end.
And now I get to do an abrupt U-turn across four lanes of traffic.
Yahoo!
Come here.
Hey, man.
Who's he gonna get?
The kids were in the way.
- I don't know, I couldn't see it. - Well, let's ask him to do it again.
We're not gonna ask him to do it again.
I've got a plan.
Okay, I'm letting you know now, Bill, it involves running.
Oh, and you might want to leave your tip now.
Okay, ladies, there's a birthday at table six.
Wow. I didn't think it was possible, but you just got me to like you even less.
But, um, you don't understand. This guy's really rich.
He'll be throwing money everywhere. He's gonna make it rain.
- Well, it is the man's birthday. - He deserves a song.
Okay, let's do this.
Uh…
Well, no, Bobby.
I'm gonna go in by myself.
- What? Why? - You're only 13.
If something were to happen to you,
I'd never forgive myself for the damage to my reputation.
Hey, we've got a birthday!
Get out of my way.
Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed.
Hey, you can't do that.
Do you know how tired we are of pervs like you always touching us.
Yeah, keep your sick hands off of him. He's one of us.
I'm one of you?
You don't know how much that means to me.
You make me sick.
I'm not trying to harass anyone. I just want to kill those guys.
Drop your weapon!
Thank God. See, I don't have my gun.
You're under arrest for…
…I don't know. I'm sure there's something that covers this.
No, no, no. I'm the victim here.
Officer, wait. This belongs to him.
Uh… Everything's in there.
You know, I never meant to take your wallet.
It was just a misunderstanding.
I hope some day you'll be able to look back on this and laugh.
Anyway, uh, I'm sorry.
- Are you pressing charges? - Hell, yeah.
I got him, Bobby! I got him!
All right! Hi, Dad.
So, I think you know why I'm here.
I've been assaulted in the line of duty.
As a result, I plan to sue Bazooms
for creating a hostile and unsafe work environment
for myself and my fellow waitresses.
What do you want?
It just says "money."
We'll accept nothing less.
That's gonna work for all the ladies,
- but you will get nothing. - What?
You've been giving out appetizers and desserts without ringing them up.
Bazooms looks down on employee theft.
Well, while you were looking down on employee theft,
you were also looking down my shirt.
Shall we just call it even?
Get him, girls!
Maybe we could reopen the fanny pack discussion?
No.