Hank, are you doing the dishes?
Nope. Just watching things float.
It's time for this year's
Arlen Homemade Boat Regatta.
I was just doing a little brainstorming.
All right! The regatta's coming up?
I love watching those crazy boats!
It's like the river's filled with giant bath toys!
Well, we set the bar pretty high last year.
How do you top a Cowboys helmet? Huh.
I wonder if I could make Tom Landry's head from two-by-fours.
Hey. This says the regatta's for contestants 13 and older.
Yeah. The Arlen River's not as tame as it looks.
- No. I meant I'm 13. - I know.
So why don't you and I enter a boat together?
You? You'd want to build a boat with me?
Regatta, regatta, regatta!
I don't know if it's more fun to do or say!
I can feel it!
This is the year we crush the competition
and take home the gold… colored trophy.
Guys, I've got great news!
Bobby and I are gonna enter a boat this year.
- That's great! - Well, good for Bobby!
Wow. You'll really have your hands full, Hank, building two boats.
Well, no. It's just gonna be the one boat.
With Bobby.
But… but regatta!
You are now our sworn enemy. Leave us!
I can't believe I have to explain this. My son wants to build a boat.
Away with you!
Turn back, Hank.
Turn back.
Turn back!
When did young girls start dressing like tramps?
Mm-hm. They call them prosti-tots.
A bargain bin. This is perfect.
While Hank and Bobby are boatbuilding,
I can rediscover my love of classic used literature.
And I can catch up on those books,
with the long-haired Hercules in the ripped shirt.
Ocean of Passion, 50 cents.
- Sold! - Wait a second.
Is that an "ology"?
Oh, yeah! Sociology One-oh-one! Wait, there's more!
Anthropology, Psychology, Chemistrolog…
Oh, no, Chemistry.
Bobby, there's something I've been wanting to give you
for a long time.
But I was saving it for our first father/son project.
Look at this hammer. It's so tiny.
Yeah, I kind of thought this day would come a few years earlier.
Are we gonna fill those jugs with diet soda
and Mentos to create a super rocket boost?
No. We won't be doing that.
We're gonna take those bottles and brace them together for a slick,
- unsinkable foundation. - Oh…
Well, I guess you got this part under control.
How about I be the crepe paper-and-feathers guy
and you take care of everything else?
Bobby, this is a team boat.
That means we work together every step of the way.
Every step? Even the boring ones?
- Especially the boring ones. - Okay.
I just need you to catch the wood as it comes off the saw.
You know, what I'm excited about is…
What?
I was saying how our boat's gonna be the best one in the regatta!
Who picks the winners? Is that a panel? Or…
We have to build the boat first. Let's concentrate on that.
Hey, I can barely see through my goggles.
Dangit. What now?
I was just wondering how come my goggles are fogging up and yours aren't?
Is my breath moister than yours?
I tell you what…
Why don't you stand over there while I cut this piece?
Can do.
How's it going out there?
Bobby's not doing anything.
He's just talking.
Maybe I'll send him to the store for glitter and puffy paint
while I build this thing myself.
Hank, this always happens when you work with Bobby on something.
You have what psychology textbook writers refer to as…
"a controlling personality."
You try to work as a team but end up doing everything yourself.
That's because Bobby doesn't know how to do anything.
Hank, you have to let Bobby learn from his own mistakes.
Will he lose a finger? Maybe.
But he will gain a finger of knowledge in his brain.
Okay. We need to fasten these into secure rows to support our base.
And we'll use a…
Well, what do you think we should use?
How about rubber bands?
The big kind Wile E. Coyote uses to slingshot himself at the Roadrunner.
Okay.
We're gonna try metal
bracing rods secured with glue.
You think you can handle some gluing?
Ten years of macaroni-artwork experience says, "Yes, I can."
Ah, dangit.
I think I left my clamps inside when I was aligning the condiments
in your mother's spice rack. Hang on.
What the…
Dad, help! Something's out here!
Help! I'm losing my grip!
Dad, I can't do this by myself! We're supposed to be a team!
Dad! The door won't open!
Dad!
- So, Dad, what happened back there? - There was a bat.
Oh, yeah. I saw.
I meant what happened with you? I needed your help.
And when I ran for the door, it felt like you were holding it shut.
Bobby, please.
Your father would never leave you alone with a bat.
Hank, why did you leave Bobby alone with a bat?
I didn't. The door was jammed.
And I had to guard the house because bats always fly into women's hair.
You've seen the movies. That's why I held the door shut.
But you just said the door was jammed.
I know that!
Dad? Are you afraid of bats?
What? That's crazy!
I'd rather not get rabies if that's what you're asking.
Wait. You are scared of bats!
Wow. Dad, I didn't think anything could scare you.
Look, I… Bats are disgusting, okay?
Disgusting and evil. Everyone knows that.
Well, evil creature or not, the regatta's a week away.
And we got a boat to finish. Are you ready, Dad?
I'll be right there.
Halt! Enemy approaching!
Hah! Resorted to spying, have we?
I don't care what you're doing, Dale.
I just need your help getting rid of a…
a bat.
A bat?
Why, certainly. Let me just finish up here.
Thanks.
I need to get back in to help Bobby.
But I can't go near that garage with that thing in there.
By the way we chose a theme for our boat that you may enjoy.
What do you think?
Ah-sha-sha-sha!
- That's a boat? - Not just "a" boat.
Sha-sha!
Behold! The Dracula Five Thousand!
The Transylvania Express!
Get that thing away from me!
Your secret is out. Bobby told Joseph.
Joseph told Nancy. And Nancy told me.
And I told everybody!
You don't stand a chance against our bat boat, Hank!
As for your bat problem, my answer is…
That's bat for "Get lost, traitor."
You don't like bats? Well, neither do I.
That's why I'm calling you.
I don't know what kind of bat it is.
No, I will not look at its belly.
Come on, Dad.
We're behind schedule!
Ah, the hell with it!
You can do this. Nothing to fear.
Problem Hank?
Peggy, you… you startled me.
You are suffering from a textbook case of phobia.
- No, that's not true. I just… - Hank, I fixed Bobby.
Let me fix you too.
You know, I've always loved that clock.
Especially the pendulum.
Look at the pendulum, Hank.
Let's watch as it swings, shall we?
Back and forth.
Tell me, Hank.
Did you resent your mother when she stopped breastfeeding you?
- What? - Dad, you can take your time.
I'm getting out there.
I started up on my own.
I connected the base and got going on a platform.
Bobby, that's great.
You finished step B, then you moved on to step C.
Yeah. Now if you'll excuse me, I don't want to lose this momentum.
Bobby's got momentum.
How's the boat coming, Hank? You know, the one you're "not" building?
Bobby's taking care of the boat.
I guess all those years of watching me work…
- has finally sunk in. - Wow. Bobby is a workmachine.
Bobby, Bobby, what are you doing?
I noticed that your maintenance work on the house has been lacking lately.
So I figured I'd take a quick look at the gutters.
- The gutters are fine. - Yup.
There's your gutter goop right there… just like I figured.
Well, I wanted to check the gutters the other day.
But the ladder was in the garage. So…
How about you make yourself useful and throw that away for me?
Amazing.
Bobby has taken over as man of the house.
You've been demoted to Bobby of the house.
At this rate, it won't be long until he's…
mowing your lawn.
Is that the power drill?
My plans don't call for a power drill.
It's not just a tool.
It's an electric metaphor.
Bobby is empowered.
And he's drilling the point home.
Building a boat is a big job and he needs my help.
Besides Bobby shouldn't feel good about himself
just because I have a… a flaw.
It is an important step in development, Hank,
for a child to see a parent as human, with weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
I'm glad it was you and not me.
Did you cap off those PVC pipes?
Yes, Dad!
And you made sure they were level?
Why don't you just come in here and see?
- Frank sleeps during the day. - Frank? You named the bat?
We're practically roommates.
- So, where were we? - See?
If you spackle brown paint on PVC pipe, you got bamboo.
- And to me, that just cries out tiki hut. - Wait.
You moved on to design work already?
You haven't even sealed your flashings.
Yeah, yeah. I'll get to it eventually.
For now, I got tiki on the brain so I'm gonna roll with that.
You can't just skip basic steps. There were blueprints.
Oh, and FYI,
I think I'm gonna remodel this place.
- Make it less garage-y, more Bobby. - What?
I have never cared for the layout of this thing.
No! Not my pegboard!
My hacksaw!
The crescent wrench!
My needle-nose pliers!
Guys, I need your help getting over
my fear of bats.
I haven't been in my garage all week. I'm not even contributing to the boat.
Well, then you're not really even on a team!
All right! We win!
Okay, fine. You win.
I just need to help Bobby.
He's not listening to me anymore.
And I just know his boat is gonna sink as soon as it hits the water.
Fine. If you want to kick this phobia square in the pants,
there's only one friend you need… Liddy.
- Liddy? - Comma G. Gordon.
Nixon's former "everything man" is a master of self-discipline
who knew that to conquer a fear, one must engage it.
Okay.
As a teen, Liddy feared rats.
Until he stalked, killed, and ate one.
I am not eating a bat, Dale.
That is unfortunate. I think we all would have enjoyed that.
What else did Liddy try?
Hmm. To overcome a fear of lightning,
he tied himself to a tree in the middle of a thunderstorm.
Tied himself to a tree, huh?
Let's make Hank eat a bat!
Welcome to Bat Bridge,
home to 20,000 of Arlen's thirstiest neck nibblers.
Uh…
I'm sorry, did you say "thousand?"
We've been through a lot together, Hank.
Somehow I always knew it would come to this.
The bats come out at sunset.
Soon the wing-ed, fang-ed swarm will emerge from under that bridge…
to feast on these gnats that will encircle your head.
Uh…
You know, just thinking about what I'm gonna do
has actually gotten me over my fear. Yup. Pretty clever, Dale.
Come on, let's go grab a beer.
My dad's designs were good.
But were they "coolest boat in the regatta" good?
They were not.
Dude, this boat is awesome.
It makes me want to drink a pineapple.
I want to see it in action!
Yes. This lacks perspective.
My friends, let's sail!
You'll be cured in no time,
right after the bats fly out
and swarm your face while flicking their dirty tongues
against your cheeks.
You know, I'm hogging all the attention.
We've all got fears. What about Bill's fear of balloons?
- Where? - He's just stalling.
Come on, Bill. Let's grab some grub.
We'll be back when you're cured!
Good luck, Hank.
Bobby?
I'm king of the wo…
Oh! Uh-oh.
Whoa.
Guys! I'm in trouble here!
CHANE and JOSEPH All right!
Bobby! Bobby!
We were each expecting the other to pay.
Turns out neither one of us has money.
May I, Hank?
Get your hand out of my pocket and unchain me!
Bobby's boat's falling apart. He's gonna sink.
Guys!
Yeah!
Bobby's gonna sink!
Let me go, you idiots!
Come on!
Uh, no!
Excuse me.
I have mastered the freshman curriculum and would like to further my education.
What do you recommend?
All's we gots is what we gots.
Perhaps I've learned all this store has to teach.
Ah.
"Mary Allison was shy, reserved, naive in the ways of love.
That was about to change."
Bobby!
Dad!
Are you okay?
No. I got water pouring in. The front corner's dropping hard.
And my floor has totally quit on me.
What are you doing? We're sinking!
Not yet. Come on, Bobby. You've worked too hard to just give up.
We can save it.
Looks like you secured your base rows to your floorboards but not to each other.
And three of your tanks are filling with water.
You must have pierced them with the drill.
- I'm sorry! - It's okay.
First, we need a way to hold your flooring together.
Uh…
What about the flags?
Good thinking. Tear them off.
Um…
- Dad… - Come on.
I need you to tie this into a knot and get the other straps around the base.
But we're coming up on the bridge.
It's okay. We're doing fine.
We just need to get this flooring bound together.
Bobby, stay with me. You need to tie the next two straps.
I'm gonna dislodge the punctured tank.
Come on, Bobby. Focus on the boat. You can do this.
Quick. Switch spots with me. You're doing great.
Well, this is a nice boat you've got here.
Maybe for the regatta we could add some hula ladies,
play some Don Ho on the boom box…
Okay, hear me out.
You know, I really can't think about that now, Dad.
We've got some flotation issues we need to address.
I could barely breathe.
Those ugly little devils were everywhere!
Oh, my God!
But my dad was in the zone.
He didn't even flinch! It was amazing!
So I tied the flooring while my dad pried the tanks loose.
It seemed like forever but we got her afloat
and out of the cave just as a million bats exploded out into the night!
Incredible! Hank, you kicked your fear's butt.
Yup.
Somehow I always knew it would come to this.