All right, everyone. Listen up.
Today we're going to have a performance
by one of our students who has written a song.
The song is about his feelings
towards the current political climate with North Korea.
Put your hands together for Tweek.
We're all gonna die!
They have nuclear missiles! Aah! Aah!
Why are you just sitting there doing nothing?
We have to get out of here!
North Korea wants to kill us all
and our President keeps making it worse!
Why are you all just sitting there?
Why are all acting like nothing's wrong?
North Korea is going to bomb us! We are all dead!
We have to do something! Do something! Do something!
All right, next up we have Hannah Williams
with her rendition of "Wheels on the Bus."
Dude, Craig, you've got to get Tweek to get ahold of himself.
He's freaking everybody out at school.
- What am I supposed to do? - He's your boyfriend, dude.
He's not gonna listen to me.
He never does when he's emotional.
Craig, let me tell you about relationships, okay?
If you don't have some balls, you're not going to get anywhere.
Doesn't matter if they're gay balls or straight balls,
if you don't take control of your side of a relationship,
- you'll get walked all over... - Hey, babe. How you doing?
Oh, hey, baby. What's going on?
- We still on for recess? - Yup, I'll be there.
'Kay, babe. Love you.
I thought you said you broke up with Heidi.
I decided to give her one more chance.
But you said she was mentally abusive.
She is mentally abusive.
So then why did you take her back?
Because she said she was gonna kill herself. All right, guys? There.
I broke up with her, and she called me, being all like,
"I can't live without you.
I'm scared what I'm gonna do to myself. Oh, God."
The bitch is crazy. What am I supposed to do?
Aah!
Tweek.
Dude, come on. You got to settle down.
I can't settle down! We're all gonna die!
We're not all gonna die. You're overreacting.
Everything's fine, okay?
Oh, God! The President just tweeted
that North Korea doesn't have the guts to attack us!
Why would he say that? He's making everything worse!
- Tweek... - But North Koreans are gonna think
we all agree with the President!
Okay, so how about you write your congressman a letter.
That won't help anything! North Korea wants us dead!
Okay, so write a letter to the North Koreans.
I can't write in Korean and they all think we're war-hungry anyway!
Okay, well, then why don't you just send something nice
to the North Koreans.
It'll make you feel better, babe.
- Send something like what? - I dunno, like,
make them some croissants or something.
I don't know how to make croissants!
Well, what do you know how to make?
Mm... cupcakes!
All right, go home and make some cupcakes, honey.
Okay!
- Hey, Stan? - Yeah?
Can I talk to you about Eric?
Cartman? Okay...
I just wanna make sure he's all right.
What do you mean?
I don't even know if I should be saying this but...
Eric said he was thinking about killing himself.
What?
We broke up, and he called saying he was about to do it.
I'm still really scared for him.
Wait, Cartman said he was gonna kill himself?
I'll send you the voice-mail if you promise to keep it private.
Totally.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
You have to take me back! You have to!
I'm gonna kill myself, Heidi!
I'll kill myself, and then you'll be sorry!
You'll wish you could have me back, but I'll be dead!
Please, Heidi! Please!
Okay, okay.
Really cool listening to people's private voicemails.
You sound like a dying pig.
That's great! I'm glad you guys think suicide is so funny!
Entrée.
Yes, Eric. How can I help you?
I don't think kids at this school
take suicide seriously enough and we need to raise awareness.
Well, unfortunately this week
is Distracted Driving Awareness Week at school,
so you might have a hard time.
Distracted driving? Who gives a shit about that?
A lot of people.
There's more deaths now because of people
on their phones while driving than ever before.
PC Principal, someone's life is at stake.
If I have to compete with distracted driving,
then that's what I'll do.
Huh? Oh!
A young homosexual boy known only as Tweek
has touched the hearts of many
by sending cupcakes to the North Korean government.
The little rascal apparently made a dent
with the North Korean dictator,
who is said to have loved the cupcakes so much
that he is started to make his own...
Oh! Ahh.
Huh?
"U.S. President responds to cupcakes..."
The human interest cupcake story
has apparently be heard by the President.
Just moments ago, the President tweeted,
"I know that kid Tweek.
He's with you, North Korea. Get a clue.
I'll bet he took a dump in the batter."
What? Why would he say that?
Tweek, calm down.
The President! He tweeted about me!
Why would he do that? Did you see that?
Yes, I did see that.
So I went and got you something to make things better.
- What? - It's a fidget spinner.
It's supposed to help with anxiety. See?
A fidget spinner? Did you read what the President tweeted?
The President of the United States
just tweeted again, this time saying...
"I hope all children of America will stand with Tweek in saying,
'Go ahead and bomb us, Kim Jong Dong, we dare you!'"
Hey, guys. Take a minute to read about distracted driving?
Talk to all the grownups you know about staying off their mobile devices
when they get behind the wheel.
Hey, guys... Got a second to help stop distracted driving?
Thanks. - Hey, guys -
Hey, guys, let's a take a minute
and talk about suicide prevention.
There's probably someone right now at this school
thinking about killing himself, and it's not funny.
You better take it serious or he might actually do it.
I don't wanna live no more!
Only you guys can make a difference.
I don't care if you're black, white, gay, straight or trans,
I am going to kill myself
unless you all start taking it seriously.
Distracted driving my asshole.
Hey, Tweek.
How's it going with the fidget spinner?
- Great! - You seem a lot less anxious.
Things are finally turning around for my little homosexual son.
- What is that? - I'm not sure.
Aah! Aah!
Yet no agreement has been reached between the parties involved.
Breaking news now out of Colorado,
where the North Koreans appear to have fired a missile
over Tweek's house.
Tweek, of course, the young boy
who got the attention of Kim Jong Un last week.
The news media in North Korea
is calling the missile test a victory for its people.
Speaking in Korean
Today the great country of North Korea...
has proven its determination and fortitude...
by successfully firing a missile over Tweek's house.
- Perhaps now Tweek... - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Why's this happening to me?
They have to know this isn't my fault!
In response to the North Korean test,
the President of the United States
has just tweeted this statement...
"You really think Tweek is scared?
Tweek will single handedly go to North Korea
and all you slanty eyed bitches doggy style.
What? Why would he say that?
The President also tweeted...
"If you even think Tweek is worried about
a bunch of dipshit poor ass third world rice pickers,
think again."
Oh, my God! What is he doing?
- Tweek, Tweek. Calm down! - Why won't he just stop? Why?
Tweek! Tweek, h-here's your fidget spinner!
Why does he keep making it worse?
Your fidget spinner, Tweek! Come on, son!
Aah!
Focus on the fidget spinner.
Oh, geez, looks like North Korea launched another missile.
Oh, really, like another test? Where are you looking?
I'm on Drudge. You see what the President tweeted about it?
- No, what'd he say? - The President tweeted
"North Korea is the butthole of Asia and...
Innocent child!
Aah!
I know. I know, it's so sad.
Well, how nice. That's a little more like it.
Well, guys, what happened? Change of heart?
Yeah, you didn't hear?
Gary Borkovec got ran over by a distracted driver.
What? Gary Borkovec? Is he dead?
Yeah, dude, he's dead.
Oh, that son of a bitch.
I'm gonna talk to the principal!
Put down the candle, Kenny!
Like you ever gave a shit about Gary Borkovec!
Entrée vous.
PC Principal, I'm trying to raise suicide awareness,
but everyone's preoccupied
with this "don't be on your phone when driving" crap.
Gary Borkovec was a good student.
He didn't deserve to be taken away
by someone not paying attention to the road.
Yes, but Gary Borkovec is already dead.
There's nothing we can do for him.
Students need to focus on people thinking about dying.
I don't know what more you want from me, bro.
I can't just get people to care with a stupid rap song.
I need a full orchestra... Woodwinds, strings...
I need black people in white robes,
white people in black robes,
and a thousand doves to release into the air.
I can give you two student volunteers and one pigeon.
Do you have any idea how serious this is?
As someone who deals with suicidal thoughts,
I cannot believe the lack of concern at this school!
Maybe I should just take the awareness of my suicide
out to the public on the streets!
Maybe you should.
Maybe I will!
- Maybe you should. - Maybe I will!
Ugh.
Hey, Tweek.
Look at what the President tweeted now!
What time is it, dude?
Just read it!
"North Korea doesn't have the balls to attack Tweek.
They have little tiny rice balls."
They're gonna get me, Craig! Look at what's on CNN!
And the President's tweets have certainly caught
the attention of North Korea,
who have been spending the past several days
viewing possible targets for a nuclear strike
if war were to break out...
What am I gonna do?
You gotta calm down.
How am I supposed to calm down?
- North Korea is gonna get me! - Tweek.
They're gonna get me! Tweek. Tweek.
Let's think this through logically.
North Korea isn't going to attack anyone, okay?
They're not going to start a war they can't win. Okay?
- But, Craig, I... - Tweek.
You have to stop thinking about it.
Tell you what, we're gonna go somewhere fun
and make you feel better.
Give a minute of your time for suicide awareness?
Suicide is serious.
Help tell people like Kyle it's not a joke.
Hey, good for you guys, trying to help.
Yeah, make sure everyone you know gets involved or else I'm gonna do it.
We're getting a lot of attention, Eric.
Our website's already full of kids
saying they feel the same way as you and want to get help.
They want to get help? For what?
For wanting to take their own lives.
No, this is about me killing myself.
But, babe, there's a lot of kids who feel the same way you do.
They're full of shit, Heidi.
They're just trying to get attention.
What, are you actually talking online to these asswipes?
I thought this was about raising awareness and helping people.
So you're just gonna e-mail with every
guy who has a dick and a deathwish?
Are we just your type?
- Eric, come on. - No, look, Heidi.
I'm sorry, but you're the one who started all this
by telling everybody that I was suicidal.
Okay?
Now I'm under a lot of pressure to do it.
So the only option I have is to make sure
that suicide prevention becomes this entire town's
number-one priority!
Oh, God, did you see
what the President said about Asians now?
Look out!
Oh, are you freakin' serious?
Okay, babe, what do you wanna ride first?
Ugh! What are we doing here, Craig?
We're gonna get your mind off politics and have some fun.
Now, what's your favorite ride?
The Ferris wheel!
Isn't this lovely, Tweek? Just look at that view.
Oh, God!
Another tweet from the President!
Oh, come on.
"Why would the U.S. be scared of North Korea?
Tweek is so not scared he's at an amusement park
in Denver right now."
Jesus Christ!
We gotta get outta here!
Tweek! Tweek, use your brain.
North Korea isn't going to attack an amusement park.
You're safer here than anywhere.
Oh, geez.
The President just called Kim Jong-un a fat midget.
Oh, and now North Korea is saying that they're gonna...
Dad, look out!
Oh, shit!
All right, everyone,
please wait for your bumper cars
to come to a complete stop.
We hope you enjoyed Crazy Cars...
Mommy, look out!
Oh, my God, what is that?
What is that?
It's probably nothing. Everything's fine.
Will you please stop saying that? I can't take it!
I'm trying to make you feel better.
Well, maybe I don't wanna feel better right now!
Okay, but think about that.
That actually doesn't make any sense.
Why do you have to be so logical?
I don't need you to problem-solve all the time,
I need you to... Agh! I don't know!
Tweek, honey, all week, you've been freaking out,
and I've been the one forced to deal with it.
You haven't been dealing with it,
you've been trying to make it go away
because my emotions are freaking you out!
Tweek, North Korea isn't bombing anyone.
They would lose the support of China,
- and that would be... - There you go again!
Stop preaching facts to me!
It's not what I need!
Well, I'm sorry that I'm actually in control
of my goddamn emotions, ya baby!
Oh, see, now you made me lose control of my emotions.
God damn it.
Hey Craig, how come Tweek's not at school?
How should I know?
Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise?
Look guys, Tweek doesn't want help, okay?
He just wants to overreact.
Hey, guys, could we have your attention?
Tomorrow night, we'll be having a memorial service
for all the students we've lost to distracted driving.
We hope you can all bring your families.
Cool, yeah. Hey, guys, and there's also gonna be a suicide awareness pot luck
at 7:30 tomorrow night in the school gymnasium.
We're gonna have lots of games and face painting,
and what are you guys gonna have?
We're gonna have some guest speakers
and also provide grievance counselors for those who need it.
Yeah, grievance counseling... That sounds super fun.
Listen, guys, there's a very real chance I might actually do it right in front
of everyone tomorrow, so you don't want to miss it.
Suicide prevention pot luck, everybody.
Eric, you need to stop.
What they're doing is important.
They're doing a memorial service with speeches and crying.
What's that gonna solve?
It's not about problem solving, Eric.
It's about people getting together
and feeling what they need to feel!
People need help sorting out their emotions sometimes.
And the best thing isn't always quick answers,
But just being there, supporting each other
And talking through those feelings.
You are so up and down.
I don't know what you want from me, Heidi!
Come on. There has to be a way
We can all work together, here.
So, now you're on their side!
Oh, my God, I'm seriously gonna do it right now!
Eric!
Tweek! What's going on?
What? What do you mean what's going on?
The same shit that's been going on!
Nothing's gotten any better?
Oh, my God, how does that make you feel?
I feel scared! I feel alone!
That must be horrible to feel that way!
It must be hard for you to even think!
It is! It's terrible!
I bet it's terrible! What else are you feeling?
Like I have no control over my life.
Like I'm just a pawn in a big game.
Oh, that's a terrifying thought.
You must feel trapped.
Yeah, like, trapped,
But, like, completely unable to even move.
Jesus!
It's like there's no solution to any of this!
What are you gonna do? What can you do?
I don't know. It's... It's like maybe...
Maybe I have to find a way
to feel a little in charge of me again.
That sounds so insurmountable, though.
How would you even start?
I don't know, but I-I gotta do something about this.
There's gotta be a way I can...
Thank you, Craig.
I've got it.
People aren't focused on the right thing.
I know what I should do.
All right, everyone, listen up.
Tonight, one of our students has put together a song
about a very important issue.
It's a song about how there are certain times
to not be on your phone.
I hope you all listen carefully.
If at any point today, you're being a President,
put down your mobile device.
If I'm on the phone, I will not get behind
the desk of an oval office.
I'll take the pledge!
And I'll take the pledge.
What's that? I was just elected President?
Well, then, goodbye!
Hey Brian, look! I was just elected President.
That's great, Nancy. Now, put down your phone.
Right!
I'm not gonna do it, you guys!
It worked! I'm not gonna do it!