1
00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:51,633
This is an outrage!

2
00:00:51,667 --> 00:00:53,700
This a violation
of our human rights!

3
00:00:53,733 --> 00:00:55,233
Dude, what the hell
is going on?

4
00:00:55,267 --> 00:00:56,533
You didn't hear
the announcement?

5
00:00:56,567 --> 00:00:58,667
They just canceled
Columbus Day.

6
00:00:58,700 --> 00:01:00,200
We have to come to school
on Monday!

7
00:01:00,233 --> 00:01:01,700
They what?

8
00:01:01,733 --> 00:01:03,733
They can't do this!
We made plans!

9
00:01:03,767 --> 00:01:05,567
Some asshole went
and convinced the school board

10
00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:07,667
that Columbus Day is racist
and should be eliminated.

11
00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:09,033
You can't take away
a day off.

12
00:01:09,067 --> 00:01:10,667
We're just
innocent children!

13
00:01:10,700 --> 00:01:13,500
Dude. What asshole would
take away a holiday?

14
00:01:13,533 --> 00:01:15,333
My name is Peter Galtman.

15
00:01:15,367 --> 00:01:18,400
I am the head of
the school calendar committee.

16
00:01:18,433 --> 00:01:20,067
I have decided the school

17
00:01:20,100 --> 00:01:21,767
will not celebrate
Columbus Day this year.

18
00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:23,300
I realize this is

19
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:24,367
a hot-button issue
for many families,

20
00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:26,233
but one parent in particular

21
00:01:26,267 --> 00:01:28,667
has really swayed my opinion
with his passion —

22
00:01:28,700 --> 00:01:30,800
Mr. Randy Marsh.

23
00:01:30,833 --> 00:01:33,133
Mr. Marsh pointed out to me
the hypocrisy

24
00:01:33,167 --> 00:01:35,367
of glorifying
a genocidal murderer.

25
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:38,367
And Mr. Marsh is, right now,
also working

26
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:42,567
on having the Columbus statue
taken down in Canyon City.

27
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:47,367
Come on, everybody!

28
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:49,500
Let's take
this fuckin' thing down!

29
00:01:49,533 --> 00:01:52,067
Yeah! Yeah!

30
00:01:52,100 --> 00:01:53,167
Take it down!

31
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:56,467
Columbus was a mass murderer!

32
00:01:56,500 --> 00:01:59,033
Tear it down!
Tear it down!

33
00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:00,067
Yeah!

34
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:05,700
Okay, it's not working.

35
00:02:05,733 --> 00:02:08,667
We almost got it, guys!

36
00:02:08,700 --> 00:02:10,467
Come on!
Throw the rope, Stan!

37
00:02:10,500 --> 00:02:12,200
Good. That's good!

38
00:02:12,233 --> 00:02:13,667
Okay,
hit the gas, Nelson!

39
00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:17,200
We got it,
everybody!

40
00:02:17,233 --> 00:02:18,600
To hell with you,
Columbus, you —

41
00:02:18,633 --> 00:02:20,200
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

42
00:02:26,500 --> 00:02:27,767
Hey, dude.

43
00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:29,800
Dude, did you know
it's your dad

44
00:02:29,833 --> 00:02:31,733
who's getting the school
to cancel Columbus Day?

45
00:02:31,767 --> 00:02:33,600
Yeah. Dude, I don't know
what's going on.

46
00:02:33,633 --> 00:02:35,233
He's really serious
about this.

47
00:02:35,267 --> 00:02:36,633
Well, you got to
do something.

48
00:02:36,667 --> 00:02:38,167
If you get him to back down,

49
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,500
maybe the school
will reconsider.

50
00:02:39,533 --> 00:02:40,700
I can't get him
to back down.

51
00:02:40,733 --> 00:02:42,700
Stan, I have to deal
with my mom

52
00:02:42,733 --> 00:02:44,467
doing shit like this
all the time,

53
00:02:44,500 --> 00:02:46,633
but she's never tried
to take away a holiday.

54
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:49,200
I'm your best friend,
but I can't have your back

55
00:02:49,233 --> 00:02:50,333
when the guys
find out about this.

56
00:02:50,367 --> 00:02:51,500
I'll try, okay?

57
00:02:51,533 --> 00:02:52,733
I got to go.

58
00:02:52,767 --> 00:02:54,467
Okay, Stan.
you got your phone?

59
00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:56,333
We need to call
everyone on this list.

60
00:02:56,367 --> 00:02:58,067
They all live
in the same city.

61
00:02:58,100 --> 00:03:00,400
Dad, listen, you need
to ease off a little here, okay?

62
00:03:00,433 --> 00:03:02,633
Stan, it's not right
that people celebrate a man

63
00:03:02,667 --> 00:03:04,033
who wiped out
millions of people

64
00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:06,167
for his own glory.
Let's go.

65
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:09,467
Hello, is this, uh,
Howard Peterson?

66
00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:12,200
You live in Columbus, Ohio.
Is that correct?

67
00:03:12,233 --> 00:03:14,667
Yeah?
You racist piece of shit.

68
00:03:14,700 --> 00:03:15,800
You heard me.

69
00:03:15,833 --> 00:03:17,300
You're an
intolerant pig.

70
00:03:17,333 --> 00:03:19,167
Oh, you're not?

71
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:21,133
You just choose to live in a
city named for ethnic cleansing?

72
00:03:21,167 --> 00:03:22,600
No, fuck you.

73
00:03:22,633 --> 00:03:24,433
Rename your city, asshole.

74
00:03:24,467 --> 00:03:26,133
Hello?

75
00:03:26,167 --> 00:03:27,633
Okay, next one.
Come on. Get calling, Stan.

76
00:03:27,667 --> 00:03:28,667
Dad, come on.

77
00:03:28,700 --> 00:03:30,200
We all get your point,

78
00:03:30,233 --> 00:03:31,667
but don't you think
you're overdoing it?

79
00:03:31,700 --> 00:03:33,500
You have to overdo
it in today's society, Stan.

80
00:03:33,533 --> 00:03:35,567
You can't be nuanced
and subtle anymore

81
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:37,667
or else critics go, "Wow,
what was the point of that?"

82
00:03:37,700 --> 00:03:39,733
Hi, Francis Melman?

83
00:03:39,767 --> 00:03:43,633
Hey! How are you,
you fuckin' racist?

84
00:03:43,667 --> 00:03:45,767
Christopher Columbus —

85
00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:47,367
explorer, pioneer.

86
00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:49,600
Is he someone
who should be appreciated?

87
00:03:49,633 --> 00:03:52,133
Or was he
just a douche?

88
00:03:52,167 --> 00:03:54,167
For years. Columbus Circle
has been a landmark

89
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,067
and photogenic intersection
in New York City.

90
00:03:57,100 --> 00:03:58,700
So it came as a surprise

91
00:03:58,733 --> 00:04:01,700
when someone defecated
on the statue earlier today.

92
00:04:01,733 --> 00:04:04,500
I'm joined now by the man
who did the actual defecating,

93
00:04:04,533 --> 00:04:07,167
Mr. Randy Marsh
of South Park, Colorado.

94
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,700
Good evening!

95
00:04:08,733 --> 00:04:11,033
Mr. Marsh, you took a dump
on the beloved statue that

96
00:04:11,067 --> 00:04:12,533
has been an icon here
in the city for years.

97
00:04:12,567 --> 00:04:14,033
What was your reasoning?

98
00:04:14,067 --> 00:04:15,633
Well, I just
have a problem

99
00:04:15,667 --> 00:04:18,067
with the racist people
of this city.

100
00:04:18,100 --> 00:04:19,800
"Yee-haw!
I'm from New York.

101
00:04:19,833 --> 00:04:21,800
I drive around
a big circle

102
00:04:21,833 --> 00:04:24,200
that celebrates a guy
who murdered Native Americans.

103
00:04:24,233 --> 00:04:26,167
Shoo wee!"

104
00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:28,300
So, you're doing this
because of indigenous peoples

105
00:04:28,333 --> 00:04:29,800
and their feelings?

106
00:04:29,833 --> 00:04:31,567
I don't care
if people get indigenous.

107
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:33,467
I'll crap all over
their statues.

108
00:04:33,500 --> 00:04:36,600
I'm the one who's indigenous
that this landmark even exists!

109
00:04:36,633 --> 00:04:40,100
Uh, uh...
ba-back to you, Tom.

110
00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:47,067
It ain't right.

111
00:04:47,100 --> 00:04:48,733
They make you
work like a dog

112
00:04:48,767 --> 00:04:51,133
and then just tear away
your one day off in October

113
00:04:51,167 --> 00:04:53,067
like you're
a piece of trash.

114
00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:54,300
Hey, guys.

115
00:04:54,333 --> 00:04:56,800
Boo! Boo!
Nobody likes you, Stan.

116
00:04:56,833 --> 00:04:57,900
Look, I tried talking
to him, all right?

117
00:04:57,933 --> 00:05:01,200
He's just really against
all the things Columbus did.

118
00:05:01,233 --> 00:05:03,100
Does anybody know
what Columbus actually did?

119
00:05:03,133 --> 00:05:06,300
Yeah. In 1492, Columbus got us
a day off school.

120
00:05:06,333 --> 00:05:07,633
That's what matters.

121
00:05:07,667 --> 00:05:09,367
No. No, wait, guys.
Maybe that's it.

122
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,100
When I'm dealing
with my mom,

123
00:05:11,133 --> 00:05:13,067
sometimes it works to be
on her side for a minute.

124
00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:14,567
Maybe we should find out
all the things

125
00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:15,800
people find offensive
about Columbus and —

126
00:05:15,833 --> 00:05:17,133
And then totally act
like we care.

127
00:05:17,167 --> 00:05:19,067
I like it, Kyle.

128
00:05:19,100 --> 00:05:20,467
I'll just look up "Columbus,
offensive, inflammatory..."

129
00:05:20,500 --> 00:05:22,667
Yeah, this is sweet.

130
00:05:22,700 --> 00:05:24,733
It's like that movie where the dude
pretended to be on the monster's side.

131
00:05:24,767 --> 00:05:26,367
You know, with the guy and the
chick that had the wife beater on,

132
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:27,500
but her boobs were sweaty
so you could see them.

133
00:05:27,533 --> 00:05:28,633
Oh, I love
that movie!

134
00:05:28,667 --> 00:05:29,700
Yeah, this is
a lot like that.

135
00:05:29,733 --> 00:05:31,267
What'd you find, Kyle?

136
00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:32,500
Nothing.

137
00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:34,700
Dang it!
There's nothing?

138
00:05:34,733 --> 00:05:37,367
Stan, can I talk to you
for a minute?

139
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,000
What? What?
What the hell was that?

140
00:05:42,367 --> 00:05:43,367
Hey, Dad?

141
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:45,033
Not now, Stan.

142
00:05:45,067 --> 00:05:46,500
I'm working on a proposal

143
00:05:46,533 --> 00:05:48,533
to change British Colombia
to just British.

144
00:05:48,567 --> 00:05:51,067
But, Dad, Kyle
found a picture on Instagram.

145
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:52,733
It pretty much looks like you

146
00:05:52,767 --> 00:05:55,233
dressed as Columbus
at a Halloween party.

147
00:05:56,567 --> 00:05:58,067
Where did you get that?

148
00:05:58,100 --> 00:05:59,233
If you hate Columbus
so much,

149
00:05:59,267 --> 00:06:00,567
why'd you
dress up like him?

150
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:02,700
Look, that was
a long time ago. Okay?

151
00:06:02,733 --> 00:06:04,600
Just a dumb
Halloween costume.

152
00:06:04,633 --> 00:06:06,200
Yeah, but...
here's you

153
00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:07,700
dressed as Columbus
at a formal dinner,

154
00:06:07,733 --> 00:06:08,500
and here's you
dressed as Columbus

155
00:06:08,533 --> 00:06:10,167
at a football game.

156
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:12,233
And you as Columbus
on St. Patrick's day.

157
00:06:12,267 --> 00:06:15,433
Look, I was younger!
We were all younger.

158
00:06:15,467 --> 00:06:17,400
It was another time.

159
00:06:17,433 --> 00:06:20,667
You have to understand,
it was 2013.

160
00:06:20,700 --> 00:06:23,167
Everyone was stoked
on Columbus back then.

161
00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:25,467
Yeah, but, Dad, you seem to be
really stoked on Columbus.

162
00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:27,667
If you guys found
those pictures online,

163
00:06:27,700 --> 00:06:30,467
it's only a matter of time
before everyone else does.

164
00:06:30,500 --> 00:06:32,667
People won't care
about what I do now.

165
00:06:32,700 --> 00:06:34,367
They'll just see me

166
00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:37,600
as a thoughtless,
indigenous son of a bitch.

167
00:06:42,833 --> 00:06:45,700
Randy, do you mind cleaning out
the garage like I asked?

168
00:06:45,733 --> 00:06:47,300
What's the point, Sharon?

169
00:06:47,333 --> 00:06:49,200
Soon they're gonna be
coming after me.

170
00:06:49,233 --> 00:06:52,133
Ugh.

171
00:06:52,167 --> 00:06:54,033
Hey, you!

172
00:06:54,067 --> 00:06:55,700
That's right, you!

173
00:06:55,733 --> 00:06:58,500
Wouldn't you like to know
the story of you?

174
00:06:58,533 --> 00:07:00,667
What makes you, you?

175
00:07:00,700 --> 00:07:02,667
DNAandMe
is a genetic service

176
00:07:02,700 --> 00:07:04,467
that can help you find out

177
00:07:04,500 --> 00:07:06,433
exactly who
your ancestors were.

178
00:07:06,467 --> 00:07:08,200
You might be surprised.

179
00:07:08,233 --> 00:07:10,433
I thought I was just
a standard white guy.

180
00:07:10,467 --> 00:07:12,500
But DNAandMe showed

181
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:16,233
that I'm actually
4.2% Cherokee Indian.

182
00:07:16,267 --> 00:07:18,400
Turns out
I'm not totally white.

183
00:07:18,433 --> 00:07:21,467
I'm also part Northern Asian,
and even some Kurdish!

184
00:07:21,500 --> 00:07:23,367
I'm a victim of oppression!

185
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,233
I used to get in trouble
for always using the "N" word.

186
00:07:26,267 --> 00:07:30,400
But with DNAandMe, I found out
that I'm 2.1% black!

187
00:07:30,433 --> 00:07:31,233
Morning, Steve.

188
00:07:31,267 --> 00:07:33,067
'Sup, nigga.

189
00:07:33,100 --> 00:07:34,533
The test is easy.

190
00:07:34,567 --> 00:07:36,167
Simply swab
the inside of your mouth

191
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:37,733
and send it in
to our labs.

192
00:07:37,767 --> 00:07:40,033
People made fun of me
for being French.

193
00:07:40,067 --> 00:07:42,667
DNAandMe showed
I was 8% Navajo.

194
00:07:42,700 --> 00:07:44,333
Nobody's making fun of me now,

195
00:07:44,367 --> 00:07:46,200
or my people,
who were victims.

196
00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:48,133
I'm 13% victim!

197
00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:49,733
I'm 21% victim.

198
00:07:49,767 --> 00:07:51,667
Order now and find out

199
00:07:51,700 --> 00:07:54,133
if your friends should be
more sympathetic towards you.

200
00:07:54,167 --> 00:07:57,167
DNAandMe.
Are you in?

201
00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:59,200
Hell fuckin' yes,
I'm in.

202
00:08:04,533 --> 00:08:06,633
[ Chatter continues

203
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:18,233
All right. Everyone's here.
Let's do this.

204
00:08:18,267 --> 00:08:19,700
Here you go,
just like I said.

205
00:08:19,733 --> 00:08:22,233
$100 cash.
No questions asked.

206
00:08:22,267 --> 00:08:23,633
Are we good?

207
00:08:24,533 --> 00:08:26,333
Good.
No talking. Perfect.

208
00:08:26,367 --> 00:08:29,067
Okay.
Let's get this over with.

209
00:08:39,833 --> 00:08:41,200
Thank you.

210
00:08:41,233 --> 00:08:43,567
Do not talk of this
to anyone.

211
00:08:46,433 --> 00:08:49,033
All right, everybody!
Hey, thanks for coming.

212
00:08:49,067 --> 00:08:50,400
If, uh, I can have
your attention, please,

213
00:08:50,433 --> 00:08:52,333
I think we're ready
to get started.

214
00:08:52,367 --> 00:08:53,733
Uh, Mr. Marsh, you know

215
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,300
none of this
was really necessary.

216
00:08:55,333 --> 00:08:57,033
For DNAandMe testing,

217
00:08:57,067 --> 00:08:58,633
you can just swab the inside
of your mouth yourself

218
00:08:58,667 --> 00:09:00,467
and send it in the mail.

219
00:09:00,500 --> 00:09:02,533
Yeah, I know, but I just —
I was really excited about it,

220
00:09:02,567 --> 00:09:04,700
wanted everyone
to witness my test.

221
00:09:04,733 --> 00:09:06,167
Well, to each their own,
I suppose.

222
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:07,633
All right.
Open wide.

223
00:09:07,667 --> 00:09:11,667
Ahh...

224
00:09:11,700 --> 00:09:13,333
Okay. I'll get this
back to the lab

225
00:09:13,367 --> 00:09:15,067
and get the results to you
as soon as possible.

226
00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:17,567
Okay, great.
I'm very interested to see

227
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:21,033
what those results
have to say.

228
00:09:25,567 --> 00:09:27,333
Galtman residence.

229
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:29,200
Listen to me carefully.

230
00:09:29,233 --> 00:09:31,300
The man who convinced you
to cancel Columbus Day

231
00:09:31,333 --> 00:09:32,600
is a fraud.

232
00:09:32,633 --> 00:09:34,233
Who is this?

233
00:09:34,267 --> 00:09:36,200
You will go online
and search Instagram

234
00:09:36,233 --> 00:09:38,300
for images of Randy Marsh.

235
00:09:38,333 --> 00:09:39,767
I most certainly
will not.

236
00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:42,333
Randy Marsh is
a hypocrite and a fake.

237
00:09:42,367 --> 00:09:45,400
You will be taken down with him
when he is exposed.

238
00:09:45,433 --> 00:09:46,333
What's he saying?

239
00:09:46,367 --> 00:09:47,767
Shh!
Mprphph mhprphm!

240
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:49,367
We know where you live,

241
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,367
and we know how
to make you suffer.

242
00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:53,500
Now you listen here,
Mr. Man.

243
00:09:53,533 --> 00:09:54,767
The Galtmans
do not believe

244
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:56,633
in social media
or the Internet.

245
00:09:56,667 --> 00:09:59,367
It's all fake news.
Fake news.

246
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:01,433
Then speak
with Marsh yourself.

247
00:10:01,467 --> 00:10:04,667
The truth is out there.

248
00:10:04,700 --> 00:10:06,133
Mrph. Rm rmhmhm
rm mrph rmhmhm.

249
00:10:06,167 --> 00:10:08,467
Hmmm. Sounds like
maybe the Galtmans

250
00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:10,267
need to check out
Randy Marsh.

251
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,167
Shelley,
we've got an emergency!

252
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,233
We're getting rid of all the
Columbus stuff in this house!

253
00:10:22,267 --> 00:10:24,100
Any Columbus costumes,
Columbus pictures —

254
00:10:24,133 --> 00:10:25,433
They all got to go!

255
00:10:25,467 --> 00:10:27,567
I don't give a shit
about Columbus.

256
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:30,067
Sharon,
Peter Galtman called.

257
00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:31,367
He sounds suspicious.
We got to get rid

258
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:32,567
of all our Columbus shot glasses
and coffee cups.

259
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:34,400
Where are they?

260
00:10:34,433 --> 00:10:36,400
Your Columbus shot glasses
and coffee cups

261
00:10:36,433 --> 00:10:38,100
are in that cupboard.

262
00:10:38,133 --> 00:10:41,233
Shot glasses, coffee cups,
towels, plates —

263
00:10:41,267 --> 00:10:43,567
What about the Columbus figurine
salt and pepper shakers?

264
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:46,100
I don't know where
you put them, Randy.

265
00:10:46,133 --> 00:10:47,567
Sharon, do you know
what they'll do to us

266
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,733
when they find out how stoked
we were on Columbus?

267
00:10:49,767 --> 00:10:52,433
You were stoked on Columbus,
Randy. Not me.

268
00:10:52,467 --> 00:10:53,533
Oh, really?

269
00:10:53,567 --> 00:10:55,367
Did you forget
our wedding?

270
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:57,167
That's you right there,

271
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:58,700
standing there
with a big smile on your face.

272
00:10:58,733 --> 00:11:00,433
You didn't say
anything about it

273
00:11:00,467 --> 00:11:01,767
being insensitive then,
did you?

274
00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:03,467
I actually was
a little upset

275
00:11:03,500 --> 00:11:05,067
that you dressed up as Columbus
for our wedding,

276
00:11:05,100 --> 00:11:07,033
but I decided —
Oh, now!

277
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:09,567
You say that now, 'cause
everyone's freaking out.

278
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:12,067
But you were right there,
going along with it!

279
00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:15,267
They're gonna be coming
after you, too, Sharon!

280
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:17,400
So you can just wipe that
indigenous look off your face.

281
00:11:18,733 --> 00:11:21,133
Oh! That could be
my DNA results!

282
00:11:21,167 --> 00:11:23,300
Here, take this stuff
out back!

283
00:11:31,267 --> 00:11:33,733
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no.

284
00:11:33,767 --> 00:11:37,700
I've never felt so alive
until now.

285
00:11:37,733 --> 00:11:40,767
Thank you.
Lo-Lovely flowers. Thank you.

286
00:11:43,533 --> 00:11:45,433
Galtman residence.

287
00:11:45,467 --> 00:11:47,433
Listen carefully
if you want to live.

288
00:11:47,467 --> 00:11:50,400
You will make this Monday
a school holiday.

289
00:11:50,433 --> 00:11:53,533
I spoke with Mr. Marsh,
and he denied any wrong doing.

290
00:11:53,567 --> 00:11:54,667
Of course he did!

291
00:11:54,700 --> 00:11:56,433
That's what liars do!

292
00:11:56,467 --> 00:11:58,233
I don't think you're being
intimidating enough.

293
00:11:58,267 --> 00:12:01,100
Yeah, get meaner, Kenny.
Meaner like how, dude?

294
00:12:01,133 --> 00:12:02,367
I don't
know, like — like maybe say —

295
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:04,033
Like talk about cutting off
his dick or something.

296
00:12:04,067 --> 00:12:05,700
We're gonna
cut off your dick!

297
00:12:05,733 --> 00:12:07,300
No, dude.
That's too far.

298
00:12:07,333 --> 00:12:09,367
Okay, okay, just say we're gonna
cut off part of his dick.

299
00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:10,567
Just give me
the phone.

300
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:11,833
Hello?
What?

301
00:12:11,867 --> 00:12:14,267
Randy Marsh is about to pay
for what he's done.

302
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:15,667
Protect him
and you will pay, too.

303
00:12:15,700 --> 00:12:18,233
Time is running out.

304
00:12:18,267 --> 00:12:19,300
Jesus!

305
00:12:20,367 --> 00:12:23,600
Sharon, have you seen
my Columbus staff and orb?

306
00:12:23,633 --> 00:12:25,433
I have not.

307
00:12:25,467 --> 00:12:27,167
Sharon, Galtman
called again.

308
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,133
Somebody is out there trying to
get me in trouble.

309
00:12:29,167 --> 00:12:31,467
Randy, why don't you just
admit to people

310
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:33,733
that maybe you were
somewhat overly excited

311
00:12:33,767 --> 00:12:36,400
about Columbus in the past.

312
00:12:36,433 --> 00:12:38,700
Everyone was excited
about Columbus!

313
00:12:38,733 --> 00:12:41,133
For some reason, people are just
pointing fingers at me.

314
00:12:41,167 --> 00:12:43,100
Just because he's suddenly
not cool now

315
00:12:43,133 --> 00:12:45,633
doesn't mean I'm gonna be
the Fing scapegoat!

316
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:50,700
I got to burn
this stuff.

317
00:12:50,733 --> 00:12:52,700
Oh, God damn it.

318
00:12:52,733 --> 00:12:57,100
I wrote you a song
to express my feelings for you.

319
00:12:57,133 --> 00:12:58,300
Will you
get out of here?

320
00:13:06,767 --> 00:13:08,333
I didn't kiss you
'cause I like you.

321
00:13:15,433 --> 00:13:17,033
Okay, okay.

322
00:13:22,233 --> 00:13:24,433
That's it.
Get off my property!

323
00:13:24,467 --> 00:13:26,467
Randy,
I cannot quit you.

324
00:13:26,500 --> 00:13:29,133
Get off my land,
you piece of shit!

325
00:13:35,467 --> 00:13:36,633
Don't post that.

326
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:43,167
Do not... post that.

327
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:44,633
Shit!

328
00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:49,533
Guys, what are
you doing?

329
00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:51,200
It's over, Eric.

330
00:13:51,233 --> 00:13:52,733
We have to come to school
on Monday.

331
00:13:52,767 --> 00:13:54,367
Just face it.

332
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,200
I'm not facing anything.
We still have time.

333
00:13:56,233 --> 00:13:57,700
There has to be
a way we can —

334
00:13:57,733 --> 00:13:59,233
Dude, there's nothing
we can do, all right?

335
00:13:59,267 --> 00:14:02,067
Oh, okay. I see.

336
00:14:02,100 --> 00:14:04,267
Is that what Columbus did?
Just give up?

337
00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:07,333
On his dream?
No.

338
00:14:07,367 --> 00:14:10,133
Columbus believed that kids
should have a day off school.

339
00:14:10,167 --> 00:14:12,467
And even when his own country
wouldn't support his cause,

340
00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:14,767
Columbus said, "Fine.
I'll go find a new land

341
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:16,500
where kids
can have that day off."

342
00:14:16,533 --> 00:14:18,100
Eric, just let it go.

343
00:14:18,133 --> 00:14:20,367
And when Columbus
sailed to distant places

344
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,067
only to find people
already there

345
00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:23,733
who said, "No!
Stay off our land!

346
00:14:23,767 --> 00:14:25,800
We want our kids
to have to go to school!"

347
00:14:25,833 --> 00:14:28,100
He said, "No!
It's just one day in October.

348
00:14:28,133 --> 00:14:29,633
They need a break!"

349
00:14:29,667 --> 00:14:32,400
You guys can all give up,
but I'm not.

350
00:14:32,433 --> 00:14:37,467
Because in 1492, Columbus
got us all a day off school.

351
00:14:37,500 --> 00:14:39,767
With just three ships,
he sailed over

352
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:43,700
so we could have
some 'me time' in October.

353
00:14:43,733 --> 00:14:44,267
And, yes,
millions were slaughtered

354
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,167
and throats were cut.

355
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,367
But if we don't get
that day off school,

356
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:52,333
then for what?

357
00:14:52,367 --> 00:14:53,800
Come on, guys.

358
00:14:53,833 --> 00:14:55,100
There's something else
we can try.

359
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,467
Sharon, good news!
What?

360
00:15:02,500 --> 00:15:04,267
The people from the DNA test
called!

361
00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:05,600
They're on their way over.
You want to come down?

362
00:15:05,633 --> 00:15:07,300
I'm doing something.

363
00:15:07,333 --> 00:15:08,767
You sure?

364
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,300
These results could
be really interesting.

365
00:15:11,833 --> 00:15:14,200
Oh, God damn it!
What the hell do you want?

366
00:15:14,233 --> 00:15:17,267
I want you to stop
running from yourself.

367
00:15:17,300 --> 00:15:19,067
We could be so happy.

368
00:15:20,133 --> 00:15:21,800
Crap, it's them!

369
00:15:21,833 --> 00:15:23,700
Just a second! Be right there!
Thanks!

370
00:15:23,733 --> 00:15:25,600
Get over here!

371
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:27,767
I don't have any feelings
for you. Do you understand?

372
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:30,200
But, Randy,
what about the —

373
00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:32,733
No! No buts!
There's nothing here.

374
00:15:32,767 --> 00:15:36,167
I'm not in love with you,
got it?

375
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:37,533
Yes.

376
00:15:37,567 --> 00:15:39,533
Yes, I understand.

377
00:15:39,567 --> 00:15:42,067
Good. Now leave.

378
00:15:44,433 --> 00:15:47,533
Hi. Sorry.
You guys have my results?

379
00:15:47,567 --> 00:15:49,467
Well, Mr. Marsh,
we came because

380
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:52,467
there was an irregularity
with your test.

381
00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:54,300
What, you found something there
you didn't expect to find?

382
00:15:54,333 --> 00:15:55,600
What is it?

383
00:15:55,633 --> 00:15:57,267
Well, it's just
a little too odd.

384
00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:58,767
We need to do
the test again.

385
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:00,400
Do it again?
That's not fair.

386
00:16:00,433 --> 00:16:01,700
Mr. Marsh, please,

387
00:16:01,733 --> 00:16:03,200
if we could just have
one more sample.

388
00:16:03,233 --> 00:16:04,533
We want to be
absolutely sure

389
00:16:04,567 --> 00:16:05,567
of what we found.

390
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,433
Uh... okay,
no problem.

391
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:10,767
Give me — Give me
one sec. I'll be right back.

392
00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,500
Wait! Wait!

393
00:16:21,767 --> 00:16:23,767
Okay. Okay.
All set. Let's do this.

394
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:25,567
Ahh!

395
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:28,300
Mr. Marsh, we were hoping
to do a more precise test.

396
00:16:28,333 --> 00:16:30,100
It's better
for harder cases like this,

397
00:16:30,133 --> 00:16:33,767
but it is an anal swab
this time.

398
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:35,633
An anal swab?

399
00:16:35,667 --> 00:16:39,200
Give me..
tw— three minutes.

400
00:16:39,233 --> 00:16:41,100
Hey, where'd you go?

401
00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:42,333
Mr. Marsh, we're in
a bit of a hurry

402
00:16:42,367 --> 00:16:43,667
if you don't mind.

403
00:16:43,700 --> 00:16:46,467
Oh.
Oh, shit.

404
00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:58,500
All right, it's clear.
Bring him in.

405
00:16:58,533 --> 00:16:59,800
Move your ass,
Galtman!

406
00:16:59,833 --> 00:17:01,400
This is a violation
of my rights.

407
00:17:01,433 --> 00:17:03,033
Just shut up
and watch

408
00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:04,500
what someone posted
on their Instagram!

409
00:17:04,533 --> 00:17:06,500
I most certainly
will not!

410
00:17:06,533 --> 00:17:08,767
If you want me to look at
the Internet, I will die first.

411
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:10,033
It's fake news.

412
00:17:10,967 --> 00:17:13,633
That's why we had it
transferred to VHS.

413
00:17:13,667 --> 00:17:14,667
Oh.
VHS is fine.

414
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,367
Take off
his blindfold.

415
00:17:18,333 --> 00:17:20,767
Get off my land,
you piece of shit!

416
00:17:23,233 --> 00:17:24,467
Don't post that.

417
00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:25,733
Hmm.

418
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,067
Oh, Mr. Marsh.

419
00:17:43,100 --> 00:17:46,333
Oh, hey!
How are you?

420
00:17:46,367 --> 00:17:49,200
Good.
What are you up to?

421
00:17:49,233 --> 00:17:52,100
Chillin', chillin'.

422
00:17:52,133 --> 00:17:55,367
Well, uh, we did get your DNA
results back this morning.

423
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:56,700
Would you like to go over them?

424
00:17:56,733 --> 00:17:58,600
Oh, you did?
Oh, great.

425
00:17:58,633 --> 00:18:00,767
Sure.
Why not? I'm here.

426
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:02,667
Let's, uh...
Let's do that.

427
00:18:02,700 --> 00:18:04,233
All right, Mr. Marsh,

428
00:18:04,267 --> 00:18:06,033
here's your
DNAandMe portfolio.

429
00:18:06,067 --> 00:18:08,233
This shows
that we actually found

430
00:18:08,267 --> 00:18:10,733
a mix of a few things
in your regional ancestry.

431
00:18:10,767 --> 00:18:13,300
Really? Like Native American?
Like — Like a little bit?

432
00:18:13,333 --> 00:18:15,200
No, we didn't find any trace

433
00:18:15,233 --> 00:18:17,333
of any Native American DNA
in your test...

434
00:18:17,367 --> 00:18:19,367
Nuts.

435
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:21,200
But as you can see here,
we found

436
00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:23,367
that you're about
43% Northern European,

437
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:25,200
37% Mediterranean,

438
00:18:25,233 --> 00:18:27,567
and 18% Southwest Asian.

439
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,367
In fact, your genetic profile
most closely matches...

440
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,500
your standard
Caucasian British person.

441
00:18:34,100 --> 00:18:35,633
And you might
be interested to know

442
00:18:35,667 --> 00:18:38,800
that you are actually
2.8 % Neanderthal,

443
00:18:38,833 --> 00:18:40,133
which is fairly high.

444
00:18:40,167 --> 00:18:41,300
Neanderthal?

445
00:18:41,333 --> 00:18:42,700
What the hell is that about?

446
00:18:42,733 --> 00:18:44,667
Well, the Neanderthals
were actually a species

447
00:18:44,700 --> 00:18:46,367
that was wiped out
by homo sapiens.

448
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:49,267
Wiped out...
all of my people?

449
00:18:49,300 --> 00:18:51,233
Yes, but you see,
because of some cross breeding,

450
00:18:51,267 --> 00:18:53,333
some people like you
still possess

451
00:18:53,367 --> 00:18:54,333
Neanderthal DNA.

452
00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:55,533
Isn't that interesting?

453
00:18:55,567 --> 00:18:58,367
Cross breeding?
You mean rape.

454
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:00,733
You're telling me
that my ancestors

455
00:19:00,767 --> 00:19:03,400
were raped
and then eradicated by you —

456
00:19:03,433 --> 00:19:06,067
you maniacs?

457
00:19:06,100 --> 00:19:08,167
The Earth wasn't big enough
for Neanderthals,

458
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:10,700
So your ancestors
just got rid of them, huh?

459
00:19:10,733 --> 00:19:14,033
Well, to hell with all of you!

460
00:19:23,700 --> 00:19:26,667
Well, well.
Mr. Marsh.

461
00:19:26,700 --> 00:19:28,200
I'd like to have a word, please.

462
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:33,533
You find this funny,
Galtman?

463
00:19:33,567 --> 00:19:35,233
What'd I do?

464
00:19:35,267 --> 00:19:36,633
Nobody had the guts

465
00:19:36,667 --> 00:19:38,633
to tell me what happened
to my people, huh?

466
00:19:38,667 --> 00:19:40,500
Get the hell out of here!

467
00:19:40,533 --> 00:19:43,667
I brought my parents over
so you could meet them.

468
00:19:43,700 --> 00:19:46,500
Oh, God!

469
00:19:46,533 --> 00:19:47,800
Don't worry.

470
00:19:47,833 --> 00:19:51,233
My parents are very okay
and cool with us.

471
00:19:51,267 --> 00:19:53,033
Who the hell is that?

472
00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:55,467
Yeah, sure, everyone gang up
on the Neanderthal!

473
00:19:55,500 --> 00:19:56,667
Isn't it funny?

474
00:19:56,700 --> 00:19:59,533
Randy, you must face
who you are.

475
00:19:59,567 --> 00:20:02,033
Stop pretending, Randy.

476
00:20:02,067 --> 00:20:06,333
For once, just allow
yourself to feel.

477
00:20:08,767 --> 00:20:12,433
You're right.
You're right.

478
00:20:12,467 --> 00:20:16,333
It's only now, when everyone's
being so indigenous to me,

479
00:20:16,367 --> 00:20:20,233
That I realize how indigenous
I've been acting all along.

480
00:20:20,267 --> 00:20:23,500
I thought being a victim
would solve all my problems.

481
00:20:23,533 --> 00:20:26,200
But being a victim
has a downside, too.

482
00:20:26,233 --> 00:20:29,167
Mr. Galtman,
I haven't been honest.

483
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:33,400
It's time for us all
to be honest.

484
00:20:33,433 --> 00:20:36,667
What is a holiday?

485
00:20:36,700 --> 00:20:40,067
It's a day off work, yes,
a day off school.

486
00:20:40,100 --> 00:20:44,033
But holidays are also meant
to be a time to reflect.

487
00:20:44,067 --> 00:20:46,633
Today, I'm happy to announce

488
00:20:46,667 --> 00:20:48,467
that the school calendar
committee

489
00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:50,467
is reinstating the day off.

490
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:55,200
But instead
of glorifying anyone,

491
00:20:55,233 --> 00:20:57,167
let us make it a holiday

492
00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:00,267
about the negative feelings
that we all sometimes feel,

493
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:03,333
say what we're really thinking
so we can move on.

494
00:21:03,367 --> 00:21:05,433
And so, the second Monday
of October

495
00:21:05,467 --> 00:21:07,367
will still be a holiday.

496
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,133
But instead of Columbus Day,

497
00:21:09,167 --> 00:21:10,633
it will be
for ripping on each other

498
00:21:10,667 --> 00:21:12,333
and tearing each other down,

499
00:21:12,367 --> 00:21:15,233
and we will call it
Indigenous Peoples Day.

500
00:21:15,267 --> 00:21:18,233
For, perhaps, if we all do it
at the same time,

501
00:21:18,267 --> 00:21:21,200
we won't be so indigenous
the rest of the year.

502
00:21:21,233 --> 00:21:24,067
And since this is the second
Monday of October,

503
00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:26,367
let's all embrace
the new meaning of the holiday

504
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:27,600
starting right now.

505
00:21:27,633 --> 00:21:29,233
Do you even know

506
00:21:29,267 --> 00:21:31,033
what indigenous means,
you frickin' idiot?

507
00:21:31,067 --> 00:21:32,567
That's the spirit, Dave!
Come on!

508
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:33,667
Everybody, let's just all
be totally indigenous!

509
00:21:33,700 --> 00:21:35,400
Come on!

510
00:21:35,433 --> 00:21:38,200
Who the hell let this guy
talk to the school counsel?

511
00:21:38,233 --> 00:21:40,067
Good one, Kurt.
Your wife's a whore.

512
00:21:40,100 --> 00:21:41,400
Come on, everyone!

513
00:21:41,433 --> 00:21:43,200
Indigenous Peoples Day!
Let's go for it!

514
00:21:43,233 --> 00:21:45,200
Shut up,
and get off the podium!

515
00:21:45,233 --> 00:21:47,367
Okay.
I will in a second, fatso.

516
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:48,667
All right.
Who else?

517
00:21:48,700 --> 00:21:50,400
Come on!
Get it out of your system!

518
00:21:50,433 --> 00:21:52,233
Happy Indigenous Peoples Day,
everyone.

519
00:21:54,100 --> 00:21:54,667
Randy,
I cannot quit you.

520
00:21:56,367 --> 00:21:58,767
Get off my land,
you piece of shit!

521
00:22:05,100 --> 00:22:06,167
Don't post that.