Raise the roof, whoo-whoo.
Yeah, boy, yeah, boy.
Say oh.
Say oh oh.
Say uh uh uh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, you're back already.
Wasn't that episode a hoot and a holler?
This next episode is called "Ike's Wee Wee,"
and it's all about the courage of one man in facing
his bitter addiction and coming to terms with life
before he loses everything he loves.
And Ike's wee wee.
Right.
I have to go to the bathroom.
What did I say?
I said calm down, or I'm gonna be forced to use ninja star.
Anyway, this episode also deals with the very important
subject matter of circumcision.
That's when they take a knife and cut a slit
right down the middle of your penis
slicing it into two halves, and then they take the two
halves and tie them in a little bow.
No, they don't.
Dude, that's not what they do.
Is that what they did to you?
Well... well, yeah, that's what they do to everybody,
isn't it?
No.
Dude, now I know why that Sally chick calls you the pretzel.
Shut up!
Well, anyway, this episode is certainly gonna...
I have to go to.
God damn it! Will you just give us two minutes?
- I can't wait two minutes. - That's it.
Ninja star!
Well, anyway, sit back, relax, and enjoy "Ike's Wee Wee."
Raise the roof, whoo-whoo.
Raise the roof, say whoo-whoo-whoo.
I'm going down to South Park.
Gonna have myself a time.
Friendly faces everywhere.
Humble folks without temptation.
Going down to South Park.
Gonna leave my woes behind.
Ample parking day or night.
People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!"
Headed on up to South Park.
Gonna see if I can't unwind.
So come on down to South Park.
And meet some friends of mine.
Okay, children, let's take our seats.
This morning we're gonna have a special lecture
from your school counselor, Mr. Mackey.
Now, who was that?
That is not appropriate behavior, okay.
I'm sorry, Mr. Mackey, okay.
That's okay, just don't let it happen again.
We won't let it happen again, Mr. Mackey, okay.
Okay, okay, that's fine.
Okay.
Now, as your counselor,
I'm here to tell you about drugs and alcohol
and why they're bad, okay.
So first of all, smoking's bad.
You shouldn't smoke, and, uh, alcohol is bad.
You shouldn't drink alcohol,
and as for drugs, well, drugs are bad.
You shouldn't do drugs.
Okay, now that about wraps up my introduction.
Now, are there any questions?
Yes, Stan.
Why do dogs have cold noses?
Uh, well, I'm not sure.
Now, let's focus our discussion first
on "mari-ju-wana."
Mari-ju-wana's bad
and it also has a very distinct smell, okay.
I'm gonna pass around just a little tiny bit,
and I want you all to take a smell
so you know when someone
is smoking mari-ju-wana near you.
Okay, just take a smell, pass it on,
and when it gets back up to me,
we'll finish talking about it.
In the meantime,
I want to get into alcohol a little, okay.
Alcohol is bad.
If you drink alcohol...
Hey, are you guys gonna come to Ike's party this weekend?
Your little brother's having a party?
Why, is it his birthday?
No, it's his bris.
What the hell is a bris?
I don't know,
but there's gonna be lots of food and a band.
Oh, kick ass. I want to have a bris.
And so, that's why alcohol is bad.
Has that mari-ju-wana made it back up here yet?
No? Okay.
Let's talk about LSD.
Children, LSD is bad.
It's a drug made famous
by John Lennon and Paul McCartney.
Hey, are we supposed to get
your little brother presents for a bris?
Uh, I'm not sure.
Well, dude, you better find out.
Boys, are you paying attention?
Sorry, Mr. Mackey, okay.
Okay.
Now, children, has that mari-ju-wana
made it around yet?
Uh, who... who has the "mari-ju-wana" now?
Oh-oh... okay, whoever has the mari-ju-wana,
just pass it up to the front row, okay.
I am very disappointed in you, young man.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
What could have possessed you to be so stupid?
I'm sorry, Principal Victoria.
Well, sorry isn't going to
cut the cheese this time, Mister.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to suspend you from school.
You mean I'm fired?
Well, I guess that's the grown-up way to put it, yes.
But... but it was an honest error of judgment, okay.
I really thought it was important for the kids to know
the smell of mari-ju-wana.
It was an error of judgment, Mr. Mackey,
but I'm afraid I have to let you go for it.
We searched each one of those kids, but came up empty.
We had to let them go home,
and one of them now has half of a lid of Jamaican grass
because of you!
How... how am I gonna make ends meet?
Okay.
What... what will I do for money?
There, there, now,
maybe this will all blow over someday
and we can give you a job as a janitor,
cleaning up vomit with that pink sawdust stuff.
Okay.
Man, that sucked getting searched.
Yeah, my ass is killing me.
Why did they search us?
That mari-ju-wana never even made it to us.
I wonder who took it.
And now it's almost time for Bobo's...
Hello there, children.
Hey, Chef.
How's it going?
- Bad. - Why bad?
Children, I heard about what happened at school today.
Now, none of you took that nasty marijuana, did you?
No, dude, we never even saw it.
Okay, because I just want to tell you
that drugs are bad!
We know, we know. That's what everybody says.
Right.
But do you know why they're bad?
Because they're an addictive solution to a greater problem
causing disease of both body and mind with consequences
far outweighing their supposed benefits.
And do you have any idea what that means?
No.
I know, drugs are bad because if you do drugs,
you're a hippie, and hippies suck.
Look, children, this is all I'm gonna say about drugs:
Stay away from them!
There's a time and a place for everything,
and it's called "college."
Do you understand?
Dude.
Okay.
Hey, are you gonna come to Ike's bris this weekend?
Oh, hell no, I can't bear to see that.
What do you mean?
Don't you boys know what a bris is?
They're going to circumcise him.
What's that?
Oh, boy, here we go again.
Children, uh...
what's the one thing that's more sacred to a man
than anything else in the world?
Uh... bicycles?
Ham?
No, not ham, you fat.
Screw you! It's ham, isn't it?
No, no, no, children.
I'm talking about the most important part of a man's body.
- Your heart? - Your eyes.
That's right.
Hey! My mom says you're not supposed
to call it a "penis," Kenny!
You're supposed to call it a "fireman."
A "fireman"?
That's the proper way to say it,
or else you get a spanking.
Damn it, children.
Why do I always have to be the one
to explain all this stuff to you?
- Ask your parents for once. - Hey, wait!
Dude, something tells me this bris thing isn't good.
Hey, Mackey, you got any more pot?
My four-year-old needs a fix.
Hey, Mackey!
Now we see what you and Homer Simpson have in common:
"Dope"!
Hey, Mackey!
Who do you think you are?
Hey, hippie, you gonna do some drugs?
I don't think I've seen you around here before.
No, I just... I had to get away, okay.
I just lost my job.
Oh, that's weak, man.
You know what you need?
You need a good stiff drink.
Oh, I-I-I don't drink, okay?
Trust me, man, it'll make you feel better.
Drinking's bad.
Go ahead, drink the beer.
It'll calm you down.
Yeah, why the hell not?
It's just a beer.
Don't be such a pussy, okay.
So how do you feel?
Oh, about the same.
Oh, you just need something a little stronger.
Kyle, you have to stop them.
Stop who?
Dude, I found out what a bris is.
I found out what they're gonna do to Ike.
What?
They're gonna chop off his wee-wee.
Chop of his wee-wee! Are you sure?
Yeah, dude, it's a Jewish tradition.
It's called a "circum-stision."
Dude, that is not cool!
Chopping off wee-wees is not cool!
That can't be true.
My parents wouldn't do that.
Dude, I asked five different people.
They said all Jewish boys have "circum-stisions"
and they make it into a party called a bris.
Dude, you don't just chop off somebody's fireman.
I won't believe it. I won't!
I have to ask my mom and dad!
We are young, okay.
Heartache to heartache.
We stand, okay.
No promises, no demands, mands, mands, okay.
Is this my house?
Your key ain't gonna work, Mackey.
I changed the locks!
Why, Mr. Freely?
I'm not renting to you anymore!
I heard that you got fired from your job
for selling drugs to children.
No, no, no, okay. It wasn't like that.
Drugs are an illegal narcotic,
and having never taken drugs,
I can say that they have nothing to offer.
But I've never taken drugs, either.
I've never taken drugs, and look at me,
I'm totally fine.
Now, get off my property
before I lose control and kill you!
Okay?
Drug user!
Come back here!
Just a little higher.
Mom, Dad!
Oh, hi, boobala.
I'm glad you're here.
You can help us decorate for the party.
Your mother's made GaHekgafuga.
What the hell is GaHekgafuga?
Mom, Dad, what exactly is this party for?
To celebrate your little brother's passage into life.
Meaning what?
Meaning we're going to circumcise him.
They are gonna cut off his fireman.
It's Jewish tradition, booby.
Normally we do it right after the baby is born,
but we had to do it later for Ike because he's a...
Oh, now, what's gotten into him?
Stan, will you go talk to him?
Let us cut off your pee-pee, Stan.
Oy, what is the matter with them?
I can't believe my parents are cannibals.
What are you gonna do, dude?
I have to save my little brother.
I have to send him away until
my parents come to their senses.
Come on, Ike.
Cover me for a while.
I'll find a place to hide him and come back.
No way, dude.
We're not staying alone in your house
with your wee-wee chopping parents.
Just give me 30 minutes. Come on, Ike.
I can't sleep. It's too cold, okay.
Hey, you want something to warm you up?
Oh, uh, I didn't know this dark alley was taken.
Here, try this. It'll warm you up.
Mari-ju-wana's bad.
What?
Mari-ju-wana makes you feel depressed and low, okay.
And you don't feel that way now?
Huh. Good point.
N... I don't feel any diff... ooh.
Ooh, baby, get down, okay.
- Uh-huh. - Man, this alley is cool.
It's so alive and beautiful.
Oh, boy.
Come on, Ike. Hurry up.
Where's the next train going?
Lincoln, Nebraska. Train leaves in five minutes.
You want to go to Nebraska, Ike?
No.
I need one ticket for my little brother.
That's a little brother?
I thought it was a trash can or something.
What's wrong with his head?
I'm sorry, but we just can't throw Caucasian babies
on an outbound train.
But my parents are gonna cut off his ding-dong.
What? Why the hell would they do that?
They've just gone crazy for a while.
Please, Mister, I have to hide my brother
until they come to their senses.
- No can do, sonny. - Damn it!
Ike, if you want to keep your penis,
you have to get on this train.
Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Don't kick the baby.
Good-bye, Ike, be safe!
I'll come find you in Nebraska
when Mom and Dad are back to normal.
Bye, bye.
Oh, man, where am I?
Hey, wow.
It's that counselor from the elementary school, Mr. Mackey.
Wow, dude.
Hi, boys, how are you today?
Pretty good, man. How are you?
Oh, I've been better.
I've been kicked out of town for doing drugs.
Hey, us too.
Yeah, remember?
You caught us smoking weed in the bathroom
and got us suspended.
Oh. Oh, fortune, how you mock me.
Cheer up, bro, all you need is some clear liquid
to get your head straight.
Uh, boys, LSD is bad.
Who put all this cotton in my mouth?
Yeah, baby.
The world is so small.
I'm free.
Sweet, dude, totally killer.
That guy's totally tripping.
There, what do you think?
What the hell's that supposed to be?
I'm making a dummy Ike doll.
My parents think he's out with me right now
and I have to bring him back for dinner.
Dude, I think your mom's gonna notice that isn't Ike.
Not if I say he's sick and put him to bed right away.
No, go away. Bad bog.
Dude, what did you make that doll out of?
I used a bunch of bones from the butcher shop.
Is that why it stinks so bad?
Hi, boys.
Hi, Mr. Mackey.
Are you boys staying out of trouble?
Yes!
Okay, I'm just gonna go over here for a while.
Anyways, I need you guys to help me
so that my parents don't realize Ike is gone.
Knock it off, asshole!
No way! I'm never going back to your parent's house.
Come on, dude, if it were your little brother,
we'd help you.
Wait a minute, no, you wouldn't!
Would you look at that, honey?
Somebody dropped off a perfectly good trash can.
Yeah.
Booby, where have you been?
Dinner's been ready for five minutes.
Sorry, Mom, I just had to deal with Ike.
He's been cranky.
How is my little jelly bean?
I'm gonna take him up to the bathroom to get washed up.
Okay, but first let Mommy give you a kiss.
No, Mom, he doesn't want you kissing him.
Oh, my God, make him stop!
Put it down, you stupid dog!
My baby. Oh, God!
Get out of here, you mutt, let him go!
Oh, my baby! Boobala...
Baby!
Oh, he's dead. He's dead.
My little boobala's dead.
Here, there, Sheila. There's nothing we can do.
"Yea, usher us unto the Lord,"
sayeth some Jewish guy once.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
Hey, wait a minute.
How come Ike's tombstone has a Canadian flag on it?
Well, booby, there's something you have to know.
Ike wasn't really your brother. He was adopted.
What?
He was not really a Broflovski.
He was Canadian.
But we loved him all the same.
You mean to tell me that all this time
I've been trying to protect Ike from having
his fireman cut off,
and he's not even my real brother?
What are you talking about?
Dude, Ike isn't dead. He's in Nebraska.
What, what, what?
Dude, you shouldn't have told them that.
Now they're gonna find him and cut off his penis.
- "Fireman." - Oh, who the hell cares?
He's not even my responsibility.
Oh, my God. They've killed Kenny!
You bastards.
Yea, let us ponder the Lord's mercies.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
Get out of the way, you damn hippie.
I don't need to take your right wing,
authoritative bullshit.
What?
You're just like the government, man,
trying to prosecute out one side of your mouth, okay.
While supporting guns out of the other, okay.
Eh, why don't you go to a Grateful Dead concert?
I can't, man. Jer-bear's dead, okay.
Hey, man, I overheard what you said.
That was cool.
What? Oh, thanks, man.
Would you like to come over to my place and finger paint?
Sure, man.
Finger painting's cool, okay.
Now, where did you leave him, young man?
How the hell should I know?
Gerald, do something about your smart-ass son.
Uh, mind your mother, smart-ass.
If we don't find him, so help me,
you're gonna be grounded for a month!
All this time, "look out for your little brother, Kyle,".
"Take care of your little brother, Kyle,"
and he wasn't even really my little brother!
Kyle, just because Ike is adopted
doesn't make him any less your brother.
Yeah, right.
Excuse me.
We're looking for a two-year-old Canadian boy.
Two-year-old Canadian boy, two-year-old Canadian boy...
Oh, I think they might have one of those down at Hap's Bar.
Come on!
Ike!
Hey, lady, that's my table post!
You can't have that!
Wow, man.
You know, it's like,
you go through life thinking
that you're an individual, okay.
Then you realize that you're more than that, okay?
We're all just one big individual, okay?
Let's get married and have a honeymoon in India.
Okay.
Now, you march to your room
and you think about what you've done!
But first apologize to your brother.
He's not my brother!
Apologize to him!
I'm sorry, Ike.
Wow, this is so beautiful.
I am one with the animals
and the trees.
And I am one with you.
At long last I have found.
A true reason to be.
Now I feel I can start anew...
Ow, hey!
Okay.
What the hell's going on?
Tough love, Mr. Mackey.
We're taking you to rehab.
I don't want to go to rehab.
I haven't even done drugs in weeks.
We were wrong for shunning you, Mr. Mackey,
and we apologize.
We should've realized that you needed help.
Yeah, now we'll make sure you get the help you need.
I don't want help!
You'll thank us later.
Hello, Tom. Hello, Patty.
Thanks for coming to Ike's bris.
Look, Ike, it's your Uncle Murray.
Hello, Ike.
Say, where's little Kyle?
He's been sent to his room for being a bastard.
He's decided that Ike isn't his brother since he's adopted.
- Hi, there. - Hello, do I know you?
Oh, no, but I never miss a bris.
Here, I brought some dip.
Oh, thanks.
Well, I guess the chopping is about to commence.
What do you want?
Oh, no, you don't.
That isn't gonna work on me, Canadian.
Maybe you're being too hard on him, dude.
No way, there's no real connection between us.
It was all a big lie.
Cookie Monster.
Two, three, four, five...
Go on, Canadian, beat it!
I'm through getting in trouble for you!
You have to admit you have a problem
before anybody can help you.
But I don't think I really have a problem.
Nonsense, you did drugs.
I suppose you forgot all about your family?
I don't really have a family.
And you lost your job.
No, I lost my job before that.
Mr. Mackey, you're supposed to be an adult.
The problem with drugs is that people forget
to stop doing them.
There's a time and a place for everything, Mr. Mackey,
and it's called "college."
Now I want you to repeat after me:
Drugs are bad.
Hello, Dr. Schwartz.
Thank you so much for coming all this way
to perform Ike's bris.
Oh, my pleasure, Sheila.
I brought the normal cutting device,
but then I remembered that Ike was Canadian,
so I brought the right one.
Where is the little rug-rat?
Right over here.
Come here, you.
Ike!
There you are. Come on, Ike, it's time.
You stay away from my little brother!
But son, I just...
You aren't gonna cut off his wee-wee!
Not today, you sick-ass weirdo!
Kyle, what are you talking about?
And you! You should be ashamed of yourself.
Don't you understand that us males
are defined by our firemen?
Yes, the fireman is very magical.
If you rub his helmet, he spits in your eye.
Kyle, a circumcision
is a very common thing for Ike to have.
His father had it, his grandfather had it,
and his brother had it.
No!
No, it isn't true!
We're not going to cut it off.
We're just gonna snip it so that it looks bigger.
Oh, hey, that doesn't sound like a bad idea.
Yeah, I want to get a "circum-stision" too.
Congratulations, Mr. Mackey.
You are fully recovered.
I can't thank you enough for everything, okay.
I feel like my old self again.
Just one more thing...
Remember that you can stay sober.
I will, Miss Social Worker.
I will, okay.
It's okay, Ike, I'm here.
And a one and a two and a...
Bris!
Cookie Monster.
Ike, you're okay.
Wow, dude, I guess having a bris isn't all that bad.
Yeah, you know, I've learned something today.
Family isn't about whose blood you have.
It's about who you care about.
Yeah.
And that's why I feel you guys
are more than just friends; You're my family.
Except for Cartman.
- Naturally. - Screw you, guys!
I don't want to be in your penis chopping family anyway!
And so now, children,
your school counselor is back
to tell you firsthand about his nasty experience
with drugs and alcohol.
Okay, kids, you shouldn't do drugs, okay.
Drugs are bad.
You see, I was at the bottom of the barrel.
I was a wreck.
Well, I didn't even care about money.
I was... I was wasting my life...
Hey, you guys want to come to my bris tomorrow?
You can't have your bris tomorrow, Cartman.
That's when I'm having mine.
No way, I set up mine first, hippie!
Now, boys, you need to listen up, okay.
What I'm talking about might save your life someday, okay.
Okay, Mr. Mackey, okay.
- Okay. - Okay.
Okay.
Now, as I was saying, drugs are bad.
You shouldn't do drugs.
If you do them, you're bad.
Because drugs are bad, okay.
It's a bad thing to do, drugs,
so don't be bad by doing drugs, okay.
That'd be bad.
Drugs are bad, okay.