Who's ready for some football?
- Oh, yeah. - (ALL CLAMORING)
Is there the more exciting game out there?
- (WHISTLE BLOWING) - It's got a big play!
And the bone-crushing of the hits!
And butt slaps!
And the players celebrate after every play,
no matter how insignificant.
I just sent an email!
Spike!
We love football!
Did someone say...
(FRENCH ACCENT) Futbol?
Dude, not Fut Bol.
Footbawl. With a "W."
Foot...
Bawl!
Soccer is boring.
The mere mention of the word makes the eyes glaze and the mouth snore.
- Oh, actually, soccer... - (SNORING)
Soccer isn't boring. Football is boring.
There are endless stoppages for penalties, time-outs, injuries,
challenges and commercials.
- An average three-hour football game... - (BUZZER BUZZING)
only has 13 minutes of action.
- Soccer, however... - (ALL SNORING)
- Soccer is not boring! - I'm awake, I'm awake.
So, you're not gonna watch the big game?
(SIGHS) Sure. Of course I am.
All Americans must watch the big game,
or be shunned as outcasts from society.
- Whoa. - Crime alert.
It seems someone is plotting to attack the big game,
and they are planning to strike at the top of the third quarter.
(GASPS) Who would dare to ruin this cherished national event?
I don't know who's behind it, but we have to stop him.
It looks like we're going to the big game.
Titans, go!
- (CROWD CHEERING) Here's the plan.
I'm going to sneak in undetected and look for the suspect.
Your job is to buy me time by delaying the game.
It should be easy since nothing happens in football.
- How are you gonna sneak in? This is how.
By posing as a professional football player.
High smack.
You, er, (CLEARS THROAT) don't like my football player disguise?
Is that what you were going for?
Those shoulder pads make you look like Bea Arthur.
I am not Bea Arthur!
Now huddle up.
Cyborg and Starfire will be disguised as referees.
Beast Boy and Raven will pretend to be sideline reporters.
You need to slow down the game
so I have time to look for suspects.
- Any questions? - Yeah.
What were the other Golden Girls like?
If I'm going to find who's behind this plot,
I need to get onto the field.
(IN DEEP VOICE) Hey, man,
I just gotta get out there and leave it all on the field.
What? You don't think I'm a pro football player,
even though I look exactly like one?
Don't make me tackle you, bro.
Okay, man. I tried to warn you.
Cyborg? Starfire?
Start stalling.
How will we slow down the game?
By handing out lots of pointless penalties.
Ah, the yes.
Just like the normal game of the football.
Insufficient equipment.
(BLOWING WHISTLE) Personal foul body odor.
(BLOWING WHISTLE) Illegal perspiration.
Roughing the nature.
It's working.
We're constantly stopping the game and nobody cares.
Hopefully, Robin has found the something by now.
Defense! Defense!
Defense!
Defense! Defense!
Any leads yet?
(GROANING) I need more time.
I'm here with the pretty boy quarterback
since he's the only player anybody knows.
He's thrown for three TDs, 200 yards,
and he deflated four footballs.
But the most important statistic is
that fans spend more time thinking about these pointless numbers
than their personal finances. That's super crazy, right?
- Uh... - Over to Beast Boy for more pointless chatter.
Thanks, Raven.
I is here to fill time for some of them good old sport cliches.
This team is really playing to their strengths.
They're taking it one play at a time.
This is a game for the ages, ladies and gentlemen.
Now, I gots to take a moment
to get super serious,
even though we're just talking about
mens throwing a ball.
Halftime?
Ahem.
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Pardon me, big fella,
but I gotta get to the field.
Wouldn't want the players getting dehydrated
on account of low electrolytes.
It's almost the third quarter.
And I'm no closer to finding the suspect.
We have to keep stalling.
But how?
The halftime show is up the next.
That's it.
You can buy me more time by turning the halftime show
into a bloated spectacle that goes on far too long.
So, don't change a thing?
Not a thing.
Titans, go! Perform a halftime show!
Hello, the city who used the taxpayer money to subsidize this event
instead of the essential infrastructure.
Let's hear it for unchecked greed. Whoo!
- Now, let's get... - Crazy!
(WHEEZING) I need more time.
I didn't find anything.
Wait, how'd you get on the field?
I... Told the guard I was Bea Arthur.
Ugh! - (AIR HORN BLARING)
The third quarter is about to start.
Oh, no, the villain's attack is upon us.
Soccer trolls.
King Goal. I should have known.
That's right.
You ruined football for us,
so I'm going to ruin football for you.
You monster!
Football brings people together.
It generates money for the local economies.
And it's the perfect excuse to avoid the family on Sunday.
Why would you do this terrible thing?
Why wouldn't we?
People say soccer is boring,
but at least soccer players run around a lot.
Football is just slapping butts and celebrating for no reason.
I don't disagree with you, Goal,
but I can't let you get away with this.
Then we'll settle this on the field.
If we win, American football will cease to exist,
and there will only be one true football.
And if we win, you never return.
Game on.
Goal!
We can't beat him. They're good at all the boring sports.
Boring. That's it.
The only way to defeat them is to bore them off the field.
Let's show them just how little happens in American football.
Hut one, hut two, hut, hut, hut!
Hut, hut!
Sixty-two, 62 squiggy, squiggy one, squiggy one,
125, 1256 pi!
(GRUNTS) Just hike the ball.
Oklahoma. Highway 6. Highway 6 on the what...
Oh, yeah.
Why are you celebrating?
Get on with it!
Oh, we's gonna get on with it, fool.
Butt slaps!
(GROANS) This is boring!
You're spending more time celebrating and slapping butts than playing the game.
- That's foot... Bawl!
Hut, hut, hut!
Sixty-one, two! Hut, hut! Hut, three!
Enough. I can't take it. You win.
Keep your boring sport.
Let's get out of here before we have to watch any more football.
- (CHEERING) That's right, baby! Get outta here!
We saved the big game.
I think this calls for some pointless celebration, baby!
- (ALL CHEERING) Slap my butt, slap your butt.
I slap your butt, you slap my butt.