Greetings, mortals.
Why are you wearing Cyborg's bed sheets?
I am the mighty Zeus.
God of thunder.
Ooh.
And ruler of Mount Olympus.
Kneel before me.
You better be wearing underwear under that sheet, man.
The immortal Zeus has no need for underwear.
Come on, man, that's nasty.
Yous best be telling whys yous
wrapped up in my man's blankie.
I'm wearing this toga
because today, I'll be regaling you with tales of Greek mythology,
so you will learn to respect authority.
Did he say something?
This is exactly why you need this lesson.
None of you, ever listen to me.
But you have no choice but to listen to
Zeus, king of the Gods.
Seriously, dude, none of us are buying you as Zeus.
Then picture me as Hercules.
I cans picture you
as one of them little half goat mans.
Ooh, he does possess many of the goat man qualities.
I am not a goat man!
Now pay attention to this first myth
about a foolish boy named Icarus,
who wanted to fly.
Gots that wrong, son.
Icarus didn't want "to" fly, he wanted to be fly.
That's not how the story goes.
Oh, yes, it is.
Set your goatself down, and let me tell you this story.
Once upon a times,
there lived this dummy named Icarus,
who was always trying to get a date.
What's up, mama?
I seens you checking my moves.
Yous probably wants to give me your digits.
No, no.
No!
Pops, it's hopeless.
I is never gonna get a date.
Icarus, you big dummy.
It's because you dress like a goof.
Look at this raggedy nonsense.
What you need is some fly gear. Check it.
My latest fashion innovation.
Is you serious?
This be ridiculous.
Wearing a suit like this takes confidence.
And ladies love a confident man.
Huh? Thanks, Pops.
This suit is highly flammable,
so don't get close to any open flame.
- Flames. - Ames. Ames.
I gots it.
This suit is highly flammable,
so don't get close to any open flames.
Flames. Ames. Ames.
Forget you, Pops. Get out of my head.
I'mma get me them digits.
What up? What up? What up?
What up, ancient Greek Mama?
That's right.
I's a confident man
to be wearing such things, don't you know?
How's about we eat some grapes and...
Icarus, you big dummy.
You see, foolish mortals.
If Icarus had respected
his father's authority...
He could've avoided that terrible accident.
His accident wasn't terrible, bro.
It was a good thing.
'Cause it forced the club's owner
to improve fire safety in his establishment.
Icarus got all them dates with all them ladies
because he helped to keep them safe.
So Icarus turned out to be a real hero.
Indeed.
He was considered by most
to be a king among mens.
No, he was not.
- Icarus is trash. - Ow!
But if you want to hear a story
about an actual king,
then I shall tell you the myth of King Midas.
I shall be telling this tale.
Long ago, in the ancient of Greek times,
there lived the King Midas.
Ho, ho, ho, I am the King Midas.
Such the symbol of avarice am I,
for there is one thing I love and desire
above all of the others.
Ho, ho, ho.
The cheese!
My only wish is that I had more.
Ho, ho, ho.
Are you here for my cheese?
Nah, lactose intolerant.
I'm a friend, here to grant you that wish.
Ho, ho, ho.
I wish that whatever I touch be turned into the cheese.
That's a garbage wish.
Trust me on this.
I know a lot about wishes.
Why don't you wish for a yacht?
I did not ask for the yacht,
or the opinions.
Grant my cheese wish.
And, please, make it the feta
that goes so well
with the lemon, and the olive oil.
Ho, ho, ho.
Whatever. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Delightful.
But it was not long
before the great amount of the diary consumption
caused the tummy troubles.
Oh, I have consumed too much of the cheese.
Ah, yes, mortals.
If King Midas had listened to authority,
he would've realized his wish would become a curse.
Oh, but he was not the cursed at all.
The King Midas continued to eat and drink of the cheese.
And after some time,
his body grew accustomed to the eating the excess dairy.
And he could consume as much as he pleased.
The end.
Let's just move on.
Hear me, mortals,
The next myth is about a girl who was given a magical box.
Oh, Pandora. I know that one.
Step aside, goat boy.
Pandora was the best dancer in all of Greece.
Unfortunately, she lived
in a cheap apartment within walls,
so her dance practice annoyed the mighty Zeus
who rented the apartment below her.
Your noise dancing has annoyed me for the last time, Pandora.
Now I'm going to do what any vengeful God
would do in my situation.
I'm gonna give you a gift.
A boom box.
Awesome.
I think you'll enjoy it very much.
What a cool dude.
Yo, Pandora.
What do you want, Prometheus.
I heard Zeus gave you a boom box.
Ugh, stop listening through the walls.
It ain't my fault.
These walls be thin, yo.
Now, listen, don't turn on that boom box.
It's a trick.
But it's so cool.
It's got dual cassettes, and a bass booster.
That is super fresh, I admit.
But it's cursed.
Trust me on that.
Despite the warning, Pandora couldn't resist.
Yee-haw!
Country music?
Ugh, yuck.
No, no, no, no.
I can't turn it off.
I told you it was cursed, fool.
Quiet, Prometheus.
But no matter how hard she tried,
Pandora was stuck listening to country music for all of eternity.
And had she listened to Prometheus,
Pandora never would've fallen victim
to her neighbor's passive-aggressive behavior.
Actually, it's a good thing
she didn't listen to him.
After a while, Pandora discovered
how diverse and amazing country music is.
From bluegrass to country pop,
the soulful sound of the American south
inspired her to become the most famous line dancer in Greece.
I's glad to hear that.
Country music gets a bad rap.
There was no country music in ancient Greece.
Now, listen, mortals,
to this final myth about a man named Jason,
who went on a quest for the golden fleece.
A golden fleece story?
I know about those.
I read all about it in this screenwriting book.
This story doesn't have anything
to do with screenwriting.
Of course, it does, you dang goat boy.
Now, listen, and learn.
So once upon a time,
my man, Jason, was on a quest for the golden fleece,
because he knew it'd make him a great screenwriter.
Son, give up this foolish quest to be screenwriter,
and work with me here on docks.
No way, Dad.
I'm gonna make it big in Hollywood.
You'll see.
Now, a golden fleece story always needs a team.
So Jason hired a bunch of dudes...
That's what's up.
and my main man, Hercules,
because he was strong
in his screenplay knowledge.
If you have the problems in the Act Three,
it is because you have the problems in the Act One.
Okay, now that everything's been established,
we're heading straight to Act Two.
What happens in Act Two?
Fun and games, baby.
Man, we are doing so much fun than we are doing.
These funs and games is tight, yo.
Oh, but it's not all fun and games though.
Here comes the midpoint.
That was rough.
We lost everything.
Awesome, that means we made it to Act Three.
Now, let's grab that fleece.
It's just some olds computer.
Yeah, it is.
Hercules, will you school these fools?
In the golden fleece story,
the hero learns that his goal
was something else the entire time.
Wow.
That's right.
A golden fleece won't make you a successful writer.
But a laptop with screenwriting software will.
Booyah, time to make it big in Hollywood, baby.
And, so,
Jason wrote his screenplay,
But, unfortunately, it never got made into a movie.
Yes, and had he listened to his father
Jason could've avoided the heartbreak of being a failed screenwriter.
Failed? Man, you don't know how Hollywood works.
Jason sold several screenplays,
they never got made.
But my man still got paid.
You know what, forget it.
You guys will never learn to respect authority.
Nah, mans, we respects authority.
Just not no half goat man's authority.
Goat man.
Sync corrections by srjanapala