Okay, are you guys gonna ask why I look so down, or what?
Sorry dude, I thought that was your gaming face.
Yeah, mine looks like a lonely widow
looking out at the waves that claimed her sea captain husband.
Mine's like half way between a sneeze and a belch.
Are you gonna ask me or not?
Oh, sorry, yes. What's wrong?
You wouldn't understand.
Okay then.
Just kidding, we're here for you dude.
The only woman I've spoken to in the last six months
was a farmer's daughter who wanted me to retrieve her goat.
Sounds like you could milk that situation.
It was in the video game we're playing.
Oh. Did you find the goat, though?
It's not the point! Instead of living my life,
all I do is waste it online raiding orc villages
with a couple of juvenile dwarves.
Hey, Gisly and Tarquin were very useful on the last raid!
They just need to gain more XPs.
I meant you two!
If I wasn't such a neutral-good character I would push you
into that lava pit and steal your loot.
I could start a new character
and be your girlfriend in the game.
A dwarf and an elf can't be in love.
It goes against the lore.
Besides I've already seen the woman of my dreams.
Whoa!
I looked everywhere for her, but she was gone.
She was the one.
Dude, you know how people say there's only one love
in their life, and that if they'd never met them,
they'd have been alone and sad forever?
Yeah. That's because they're married to them
and it would be very expensive to say otherwise.
Oh, what am I supposed to do?
"You have not interacted with a female player for...
ever.
Meet the love of your life... Download our new app now!"
It's a sign.
No, it's a cynical ad aimed at desperate people,
but let's be honest, they've hit their target.
Well, I'll give it a try.
Trawl-reh?
Oh, I've heard of this. It's called Trawlr.
Trawlr... why? I get it!
It's because there's plenty of fish in the sea and, um...
you, uh, won't catch a... You won't catch a fish with...
No, no, no... um...
And you need the net to catch them.
And you need the net to... Ah! I said it first!
Okay, you're gonna need a good photo if you want to stand out.
This Internet dating thing lacks romance.
I always thought that I would meet my girlfriend
by bumping into her
and accidentally switching briefcases.
Or she runs me over with her pickup truck,
and while I'm lying in the road, she gives me CPR,
and when I come round, she wipes away the dribble,
and we share a passionate kiss.
How about prison? You got a rom-com scenario for that?
Why? You look like the kind of guy
who loves taxidermy and long walks in the dark.
It's 'cause they're the wrong angle for a selfie.
Everyone looks awful from underneath.
You need to go high. Look.
Ugly... pretty!
See?
I guess we're gonna have to do what every teenager
does on the Internet... Filter and crop.
And voilà.
Now it's asking me to write a bio.
How would you describe my financial situation?
Tragic?
It also wants to know my hobbies.
Well? I like cheese and Internet memes.
That's gonna be a hard sell.
Well, how would you describe me?
I'm a school janitor who mops the bathroom
and serves slop in the cafeteria for less than minimum wage.
Just embellish the truth! Like, uh...
"I work for a nonprofit organization that saves children
from squalor, disease, and starvation."
Okay, so here's how it works...
I get profiles of girls located in the same town,
and I slide down when I see the one I like.
If she does the same, we get to chat.
Whoa! Ugh! Ugh!
She looks like a puppet made out of meat!
Her hair looks like it's made of lots of little hairs!
And what's wrong with her hands!
Arrgh, dude! She's got five fingers!
Slide up! Slide up!
Now we're talking!
Should I slide down? No, dude!
You need to check out the market before you park it!
Too tall, too small, too average-sized.
Aren't they gonna feel bad being rejected?
Nah, it's all virtual, no one actually gets hurt.
Aah!
Aaah whoa!
Are you sure we're not being too picky?
You tell me. This one just sent a picture
of her new tattoo of Rocky's face...
Ah! on her face.
Eugh, slide up.
Ooh! What about this one?
Ah! She likes me, she said, "Hey!"
What do I say? Quick, I need a pickup line!
Oh, uh, how about, "Hey, girl, did you know
that when you're in love, your heart burns
up to a 100 calories per hour?
Want to go for a workout?"
Yes! Great! Type exactly what we say!
And send.
"Are you calling me fat?"
Uh, no, no, no.
Say, "I just meant, was your dad a baker?"
She says, "Why? Because It looks like I only eat cake?"
Aah! No, I was gonna say because you look very sweet!
You pressed send too early!
Try, "You could stop traffic."
"I get it. 'Cause I'm such a car crash."
No! Because people would stop to look at... Arrrgh!
Try, "Was there an earthquake, or did you
just walk into the room? Because you rock my..."
Stop pressing "send" too early, you dork muffin!
Wait did you just...
"Was there an earthquake or did you just walk
into the room, you dork muffin?"
What is wrong with you?
Okay, okay, I'm trying, but you're going too fast!
In case you haven't noticed,
it's kind of hard to text with these!
I give up.
It's like my mom always says, "Meh meh meh meh meh meh."
What?
I have a face only a mother could love.
Yeah, well, your mom is so nasty, she bit a dog
and gave it rabies. You're still typing aren't you?
Yeah.
Aaaah!
Ow, ow, ow.
On the plus side, you've got another hit.
Ah!
Okay, this one just has a picture of a white mask.
Pickup line? "Are you a combination
of my recent memories and my childhood traumas?
Because, girl, you are a dream."
What? That's what dreams are.
"Meh meh meh meh meh meh meh..."
So?
Aah! Oof.
Meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh.
Yeah, she rejected you.
Finding love on the Internet is like spray cheese.
It might taste like cheese,
but it's really bad for your self-esteem.
What happened to finding love the romantic way,
like looking at each other across a crowded room at a party
neither of you are enjoying, or chasing after someone
before they board their flight and disappear forever?
That only happens in the movies.
Which you would know if you could get
a date to go to the cinema with.
Dude, what did you say the girl of your dreams looks like?
Like my soul mate.
Ah! That's her! That's the girl from the mall!
Puppet victory dance.
Time to slide down 'cause things are looking up!
Wait. What?
You just slid up.
What do you... What? How?
I was holding it flat, the picture was toward me!
You slid the wrong way, man! Well, slide it back!
You can't! That's how it works.
If you slide up, it's over!
She's gone.
No. Huh?
If she popped up on that phone, it means she's still in town.
Rocky, it's time for romance.
Ah?
Out of the way, move!
Oof!
What is wrong with you? We're trying to find
the love of his life before she disappears forever!
Well, if it's in the name of love then...
Oof!
What does she look like?
I saw her at the hospital!
Thank you!
Yah!
Aah!
Whoa!
We need to go see your medical records!
Are you crazy? That's illegal!
It's in the name of love!
Well, if it's in the name of love then...
Her name is Brydie, she lives in the suburbs
with her parents, and she was born with three ears!
Ah, but she got one surgically removed.
Help! Thief!
Don't worry it's in the name of love.
Well, if it's in the name of love then...
Wait, that car looks faster.
Brydie! What do you want?
Love. Upstairs, second on the left.
No worries.
Ahhhh?
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
What are you doing here?
He's been chasing you since you lovingly locked eyes
at the mall, before you disappeared into the crowd.
He's been on a quest to find you all day.
He pushed babies to the floor...
He stole your medical records...
He jacked a car...
And ran over your dad when he stood between you.
All in the name of love.
That sounds a little like child bullying, breach of privacy,
grand theft auto, battery, and stalking.
Let me rephrase that... That's exactly what it is!
And for the record, we did not lock eyes lovingly.
Ahhhh...
Ahhh...
Then why did you hit him up on Trawlr?
Because the creepy guy standing
in my bedroom looks nothing like this!
Wait! Wait.
After everything you've been through to find me,
I can't just let you walk away.
Ah?
So...
Aw, thanks, man.
It's not the same, but it'll do for now.