To whom it may concern.
This is Robert J. Freeman,
astrophysicist, soccer star,
ex-UFC welterweight champion.
For many of you, this will be the last time hearing from me.
For as of today, I am deleting my Facebook account forever.
I launched this page with high hopes
that it might help me find a woman to love me
on those lonely nights when I'm not jetting around
the world fighting terrorism.
But all you bitches turned out to be bat-shit crazy.
Like that bat-shit crazy Carlita,
the Dominican drug-queen.
An average-sized man can smuggle more cocaine
in his rectum than you think.
Or that bat-shit crazy Tara,
who tried to kidnap my grandson Riley.
He's just adorable!
I can't give him back! You can't make me!
And that bat-shit crazy Dr. Ellen Jackson,
who lured me with promises of romance and free checkups,
and then tried to harvest my organs.
From now on, I'm out of the game.
Fortunately, I don't blame myself.
I blame all of you.
I know many of you ladies are saying, "No, Robert!
You can't take that good loving away from us!"
Well, it's too late. It's gone forever.
And so, with no regrets, I hereby commit
Facebook hari-kari.
Delete!
Man, this weekly jog
was a great idea, wasn't it?
Look at us. We're workout buddies.
Hey, speaking of buddies,
I read your Facebook suicide note, man.
Uh, I'm really sorry.
I'm not just giving up on Facebook,
I'm giving up on women. It's pointless.
These women out here are insane.
Robert, Robert, the key to happiness
is to eliminate all black women from your life.
I mean, look at me. No black women in my life.
Look how happy I am.
I'm happy as a nigga with a new gun.
Now, Ruckus, that is preposterous.
Oh, preposterous? Preposterous. Really? Really?
Answer me a question: Is you happy?
Sure am. Uh-huh. See?
No black women in his life neither.
Nigga-free and that's how he need to be.
Just because I'm married to a white woman
doesn't mean there's a single thing wrong with black women.
But you did marry a white woman.
You have to find the woman who makes you happy, Robert.
Well, black women don't wanna be happy.
They squeeze out about seven or eight of them
little nappy-headed children by the time they 21,
it's all downhill from there.
Look at that.
Oh, that woman's body over there, that's a temple.
A black woman's body is the Temple of Doom.
When was the last time you saw a black woman jogging, Robert?
Ask yourself that question.
And I ain't talking about them
super steroided shemales
in the Olympics that tuck they testicles up, either.
Well, come to think of it...
Ah-ha. That's what I thought.
You ain't never seen it because black women don't jog,
that way they don't sweat out
all them industrial-strength
toxic avenger chemicals they use
to straighten up they hair.
Mm, Sarah loves to jog.
Well, of course she do. Sarah is a human being.
Okay, fellas, enough of the guy talk,
gibber-gabber, talkie-talk.
Can we just start running already? Come on.
You coming? I ain't running with y'all
two niggas in the park.
Police might shoot me by mistake.
See you on the other side, nigga.
Oh.
Mm.
Mm, mm, mm.
I'm sorry, you don't mind
if I stop here, do you?
Uh, no. You... You're jogging?
Well, just love keeping myself in shape.
It's murder on my hair, but you know,
no point in having the best hair at my own funeral.
Ebony. Ebony Brown.
Boys, guess what.
I met a woman, and she asked me out on a date.
Grab the gun. Got it.
You get the sword.
Hurry up, get to the car.
Where she at? Do we need to sneak out the back?
I like this one. She's different.
Your dating life has been a serious threat
to the safety of you, the people in this house...
And really the entire neighborhood.
Not her, I met her at the park.
What was she doing in the park in the middle of the day? Huh?
She was jogging. She looking for
some lonely old man to take advantage of.
Really? I guess it's possible.
Know what? I'm gonna call her and cancel our date.
Can you just take it slow this time?
Maybe not bring her back here
until you're sure she's safe. Never mind.
I said I was giving up on women and that's what I'm gonna do.
Maybe your problem with women is you pick crazy ones.
But you can't hold that against
every new woman you meet. Don't you always complain
about women who can't let go of their baggage?
Don't be a hypocrite, Granddad.
Be a hypocrite, Granddad.
Hello, there, chimpan... Uh, monkey...
I mean, Negro female.
Welcome to... Oh.
Ruckus, how can you work at all these places at one time?
Hello, Robert. What a surprise
to see you here with your
female companion.
Robert, who's this?
This is just the valet guy.
Mr. Valet Guy, can I speak to you over here
about the car?
Robert Freeman, I swear every time I'm ready
to count you amongst the smartest of the accursed
sons of Ham, you manage to prove me wrong.
I want you to leave us alone tonight, Ruckus.
You're not gonna ruin this. We're just going to get
to know each other. Oh, really? Really?
Well, I'll tell you everything you need to know right now:
She got kids, she got a police record,
and she got debt up to her wide nostrils.
Well, we'll see about that.
But you just leave us alone.
I've never been here.
Mm, you smell so good, Ebony.
Thank you.
Mm, everything looks great.
Robert? Uh.
Is something wrong? Nothing's wrong.
Just very excited to get to know you, that's all.
Tell me about yourself.
What do you wanna know? Anything.
You can tell me, uh, about the last time you were arrested,
or a funny story about the collection agent,
or about one of your many, many, many kids.
I've never been arrested,
and I don't have any kids,
and I have perfect credit.
Really?
Uh...
I need to use the restroom.
Ruckus, you were wrong.
No record, no kids, no nothing.
She passed the test.
She didn't pass the test.
She just smarter than you.
Let me talk to her. No.
Don't you go over there, Ruckus.
But... Leave me alone, I gotta go pee.
I'm okay, thanks.
Whew, don't mess it up.
Be calm, take it slow.
Mm-hm, hot date, tonight, huh, brother?
Yeah, it's like everything she says is perfect.
But I'm taking it slow,
just getting to know each other. Mm-hm.
There you go. Good luck, brother.
Oh, I'm sorry.
All I have is a 5.
All right, I'll take that for now.
Well, don't you think a 5 is a bit much?
All you did was turn the water on and hand me a paper towel.
I didn't even ask for it. You don't have to ask for that.
It comes with the service, nigga,
just like the assortment of gums, mints, lotions,
and hair care products.
But I didn't use any of that stuff, I just had to pee.
Now I'm happy to tip, but a 5 is too much.
Too much? For sitting a foot and a half away
from piss and shit and nasty-ass farts
from you motherfuckers for six hours straight, nigga?
I shouldn't have to go to the ATM
every time I wanna use the bathroom.
Nigga, get your ass away from my commodes.
Fuck you. No, no, no, you don't.
Get your ass back here with my mints.
You lucky I ain't allowed to leave this bathroom, nigga.
Oh, I always hear y'all complain about
a shortage of black men.
Well, clearly you hadn't checked jail.
Ha, jail?
I can't do any better than jail?
Oh, now you too good for jail, is that it?
A jail nigga was good enough for momma,
but not good enough for you, huh?
Ruckus, stop.
Ebony, don't listen to him, he's half-retarded.
He's only got one eye.
No, no, Robert, Robert.
I'm doing this for your own good.
Robert, your friend is too funny.
Wha...? I mean,
his views are obviously reprehensible,
but there's just enough truth to make me examine myself
in a critical light. Plus, he's hilarious
and thus oddly likeable.
Huh? Huh?
Well, it's, uh...
I-It's a... It's a pleasure to meet you as well,
ma'am.
So then Jesse tried to say that
I ordered the cheese sandwich and that I ate
Martin Luther King's chicken pesto.
But I always ordered the chicken pesto.
Martin started ordering it after I started ordering it.
And so Jesse Jackson tried to stand up all swole.
And I said, and pardon my language,
"You know what, Jesse? I'm sick of you."
And then he pulled out a knife and said,
"Nigga, I'm gonna cut your nuts off." So I said,
"Ah, fuck it, it's only a sandwich." True story.
I can't believe it, that actually happened?
Stuff like that happen to me all the time.
I don't think he was playing. He wanted to cut my nuts off.
Do you know how amazing that is?
Do you... Do you know how amazing your life is?
Well, Robert. Hope you not feeling
this credit crunch, because you just spent
a shit-ton to feed this wildebeest.
Wildebeest?
Oh, well, this one's on the wildebeest.
Here we go, you just won't learn.
I checked her out. I'm telling you she's wonderful.
Better than wonderful.
Sure she's not gonna hurt anybody?
Almost positive.
All right, Granddad. Go ahead, fall in love again.
He doing it again, Huey.
I can see it in his eye.
She's coming over tonight.
And you two are going to behave. Got it?
Why don't you just sign your retirement benefits over to her?
All your bank accounts too.
You just met her yesterday.
What's taking so long? Shut up.
And you, you an enabler.
Enabling-ass nigga.
Seriously?
Yeah.
Well, I understand why Robert
was worried at first.
There's a lot of crazy women out there.
Ma'am, we are so happy you showed up.
Bravo, bravo, bravo.
Yes, that is a very impressive set of prepared responses.
Ruckus? What are you doing here? How did you get in?
It's okay, Robert, really.
I think it's great that your friends care so much about you.
Robert, may I use your little girl's room?
So how did you two kids meet in a park
in the middle of a workday?
Taking a long lunch?
Well, I run a non-profit organization,
so my hours are flexible.
Wow, so what kind of work do you do?
Well, up until recently we raised money
to find a cure for Patterson's disease.
Patterson's disease? I've never heard of it.
Yes, nor have I.
Well, it's a very serious terminal illness.
Well, it was a serious illness.
We cured it. Wow, you cured it?
Yep. I've never heard
of one of those foundations actually curing anything.
Yes, that sure is amazing
that you cured that disease
that ain't nobody ever heard of.
Oh, tell us, tell us, what other incredible things
have you done that only you know about?
Were you guys just talking
about Patterson's disease? Yes. You've heard of it?
My Nana had Patterson's disease.
Oh, hon. I never knew that.
She cured it. Oh, my God,
you saved my Nana's life.
You're wonderful. You are.
Congratulations, Robert.
She's amazing.
Now, now, we're just taking it slow.
I tell you all, it's a trap.
Beneath that baby-soft lotiony exterior, them wide,
inviting hips, and that ample chocolate bosom
is a savage, Africanized,
pot-boiling, bone-in-the-nose, doing-a-monkey-dance,
playing-drums female.
Ruckus, get the hell on. Go.
Hey, you may as well be fucking an orangutan.
Didn't I tell you? She's perfect.
She's the perfect woman. I can't find
anything wrong with her. Right, Granddad,
maybe she not a ho. Maybe she just
marry you and take everything when you die.
Let's call her a businesswoman.
All right, boys, time for bed.
Say good night to Miss Ebony.
Huey, Riley,
it was great meeting the both of you.
It was quite a relief to meet you, Miss Ebony.
I hope we can hang out again before you steal
all my Granddad's money.
Ah!
Oh, daddy.
Sweet thing, you.
Wait. Can we turn the lights on?
I like to be able to see. Lights on?
I just put on some weight recently.
I'd rather keep it very, very dark.
Uh, just use your imagination.
You're so funny.
Okay. Whatever you like.
Wait, wait, wait. Let me guess, let me guess.
And Ed the Third gets shot in the chest.
Yes.
I just love your life.
You have these crazy adventures
with these bizarre characters and it's so much fun.
Never thought about it like that.
Seemed like a bunch of problems.
I love it that you fight people with a belt,
I love it that you're friends
with a pimp named A Pimp Named Slickback.
I love that Riley thinks everything is gay.
I know I shouldn't like any of these things, but I do.
Yeah, I guess it is kind of fun.
I want to be a character.
Uh, cameo or re-occurring?
Regular.
Oh, my.
What am I gonna do? She's perfect.
She's the perfect woman.
What's the problem? She too good for me.
Is that what she said? No,
she says she likes and accepts me for who I am.
So, what's the problem?
She doesn't know the real me.
No one normal can love the real me.
I have to do something drastic before I screw it up.
I should try to be someone totally different.
You know, like Tyrese or Chris Brown.
Someone who's not a dorky old man.
Yup. Makes sense. And I shouldn't tell her
how much I like her. Women like the chase, don't they?
Yup. Soon as she thinks
she's got me, she's gonna move on
to another old man to satisfy her sick old-man fetish.
Nah, she probably just got a young nigga on the side.
Another man? Of course.
With all these young men
with good blood pressure running around?
And he's probably buff too.
Yup, real buff.
Like Tyrese buff?
Nah, like 50 Cent buff.
Oh, no!
He probably spends all his time in the gym getting strong.
I bet she thinks of him every day,
even when she's with me. Especially when she with you.
Granddad, this is silly.
She obviously likes you.
Just relax and be yourself.
Myself? Nah, that'll never work.
Yeah, uh, I'm looking for something like a homing device.
Like in the movies, you know?
See, I have a friend who needs to follow around
a young lady friend.
Uh, not stalking her or anything.
You know, that would be real creepy.
So you just put that little GPS gadget thingy
in her car and now we can follow her anywhere.
Lord, the white man sure is brilliant.
I do love him and his modern technology so.
Finally. That which the darkie has done
in darkness shall come to light.
I can't believe it.
Why, Lord, why?
Oh.
Oh!
I didn't know she can do that.
Let me see. Let me see.
Oh, my God, look at that.
I'm so sorry, Robert, but I told you,
that Afro-tramp could not be...
Sorry, squirrel.
Hm, I don't know.
I don't think I'm a fan of the earring.
Well, I like it. It's my ear,
I can wear an earring. Maybe two.
You saying I'm too old to wear an earring?
What's wrong? You seem grumpy.
Oh, like Grumpy Old Men, huh?
I get it.
Let's all laugh at the old guy.
Is something bothering you?
Now I'm too sensitive? Is that it?
Huh? No, I'm not saying that.
Are you okay?
Look, do you want me to take off?
I feel like I'm getting on your nerves.
Huh? Hey. Hey!
Stop looking at my woman!
Hey, what the hell?
Why are y'all staring at my girl like that?
I know she's hot. I know she's got a big,
wonderful, glorious behind.
But I'm the guy she's with.
And y'all think because I'm a pudgy old man
that y'all can just look at her when you want.
I may not be young. I may not be buff like Tyrese,
I may not have the pectorial muscles of a Michael Jai White,
or the washboard abs of a Tyson Beckford,
or even the shit-your-pants scariness of a Kimbo Slice.
But don't think I won't punch one of you punkasses in the eye
for looking at my girl.
You. Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.
You! Hey, punk.
Were you looking at my girl?
Hey, stop.
I am so, so, so, so sorry, Ebony.
Please don't break up with me.
You don't have to keep apologizing, Robert.
I'm worried about you.
I don't know what came over me.
I just... I feel so old.
There's so many younger, sexier men out there,
like bald Boris Kodjoe,
or the British sophistication of a Idris Elba.
Robert, I don't want to date those guys,
I've already dated those guys.
What? I'm kidding.
Whew. Thought you was a ho for a second.
Oh, man, you fought for her?
Nobody told you to fight for her.
She'll never respect you now.
I mean, she probably didn't want to say it to your face,
but it's a wrap.
Shut up. I'm not listening to you.
It's a shame too.
She wasn't bad. She said she gonna
give me another chance. Is that right?
How long since she called you?
Hey, it's me again.
I just sent you a text message and a e-mail,
and an instant message, and a MySpace message,
and I just put an actual letter in the mail.
You should get it in a couple of days,
and I also tried to send you a telegraph at the station
but the man said they don't exist anymore.
I tried to page you but the man said that doesn't exist anymore.
So, uh, just, uh, call me when you can.
I'll just be here, waiting.
We are like the perfect couple.
I'm starting to look like you.
Granddad, I found her.
You did?
Twitter? What the hell is a Twitter?
Goddamn, they keep coming up with these
stupid computer things. I can't keep up.
There should be one damn computer thing. That's it.
Well, her Twitter says she's in Malaysia.
Malaysia? What's she doing there?
She obviously went there to get away from me.
Or maybe she went for the inexpensive male prostitutes.
She probably just needs a little space.
Yeah, a little other-side-of-the-planet space.
Granddad, you better hurry before she gets to the moon.
It's settled then. I'm going to Malaysia.
And make sure those crates get moved over there...
Ebony. Robert?
What are you doing here?
Why? Why did you leave me all alone?
I mean, I know I made mistakes,
but to leave forever without saying goodbye...
Robert, it's been 16 hours,
and the flight is 12 hours.
Oh, yeah, somehow it seemed longer than that.
I tried to call, but my phone doesn't work over here.
Well, then why did you leave?
You didn't hear about the typhoon?
Robert. I'm really shocked
that you came all the way out here,
but it's not healthy.
Look at you. You look exhausted
and stressed and, I don't know.
I don't want to have this effect on you.
You don't look happy.
I'm happy. What makes you think I'm not happy?
It was all just a big misunderstanding.
Whew, well, since I'm already here, I might as well
help out with the relief effort.
Robert, we have to slow this down.
No, let's speed it up. Let's go faster.
Robert, you'll be fine.
Next week you'll have some crazy adventure with another woman.
You won't even remember this little episode.
I don't know,
I'm not too sure I have many episodes left.
Goodbye, Robert.
Please?
Where's she at? Where's she at?
Miss Brown. Miss Brown.
Oh, I know she in there, Robert.
And I can't hold my feelings inside no longer.
Marry me, Miss Ebony Brown.
Do me the honor of becoming
Mrs. Uncle Ruckus.
She's gone, Ruckus.
Gone? Gone, what you...? What you mean she gone?
I blew it.
Oh, is she ever coming back?
I don't know.
She said I didn't love myself enough.
Well, that's understandable. You're a coon.
Hey, I wonder if Ebony can start one of them foundations
and cure revitaligo.
Oh, she sure was something.
I mean, she was a ape,
but she was the prettiest ape I ever seen.
This is the new Facebook account
of Robert J. Freeman.
I'm old but still get around pretty well.
I have two bad grandkids,
and I enjoy pork, orange juice,
and watching Real Housewives of Compton.
No bat-shit crazy women, please.
And don't forget to comment on my pics, LOL.