Oh, that's Val. You know,
it's her first time to the mansion and she's my best friend,
so I just want her to drop dead.
How thoughtful.
Allow me. You pose.
Okay.
I'm dropping dead.
Mission accomplished.
May I take your coat?
Do I get a stub?
No, and you don't have to tip him, either.
Oy, she's got no class.
Come on, Val, move your ass.
Oy, this place is like the Taj Mahal.
Only with more bathrooms.
You never have to wait.
How come I'm still stuck in Flushing,
and you're living like Jackie O?
Jackie O.'s two doors down.
Jackie O.'s your neighbor?
Uh-huh, and you know,
she's very concerned about John-John.
You heard he quit the D.A. job, huh?
Really?
Yeah, and now he ran off to California
with that blond fish.
Oh, God.
Oh, go have kids.
Honey, it's all in how you raise them.
With mine, I've got no complaints.
You've been their nanny for two weeks.
And I've worked wonders with them.
Shut up, Brighton! You shut up!
You're giving me a nervous breakdown.
You see?
Before me, they never communicated.
You know, you're going to get pimples too,
someday, if you ever grow up.
Oh, that's a pimple?
I thought it was a small planet.
Leave your sister alone. I can't.
The gravitational force is sucking me in.
I'm giving it all she's got, Captain.
I cannot break away.
You're so pathetic, Brighton.
We both hate you.
Good, then my work here is done.
Brighton, what's your problem?
I guess I'm just bad to the bone.
Oh, honey,
you have no idea what bad is.
Now, the boys Val and I went to school with,
they were bad, huh? Oh, the worst.
Oh, yeah, and now they're all taken.
Do you remember Lenny?
Sure. Lenny Brown, baddest man in the whole damn...
Oh, no, that was Leroy...
But Lenny was bad. And tough.
The kid had a smoker's cough in the fourth grade.
Really?
He could blow smoke rings out of his nose,
either nostril.
Remember when he would light a match
off his zipper?
Honey, I'm still dreaming about that one.
So he was cool, huh?
Oh, he was a god.
The James Dean of Flushing.
I wonder what ever happened to him?
I hear he's a big shot at R.J. Reynolds.
I should've nabbed him right out of reform school.
If this facial doesn't work,
I think I'm going to kill myself.
Maggie, would you relax?
It's just a little zit.
Yeah, but... Shut up, Brighton.
I dread puberty.
I have combination skin.
Here's where having me for a nanny comes in handy.
You kids know that I'm a graduate
of the Ultissima Beauty Institute,
four times Dean's list?
And yet, she's so accessible.
What's that?
Orange rinds.
You know, at Elizabeth Arden, they'll charge you $200
and call it aromatherapy.
Trust me. You'll be gorgeous.
I see an improvement already.
What's this?
Some stupid thing at my stupid school.
Oh, a carnival!
Oh, me and Val used to throw these
for Jerry's kids.
Who's Jerry?
Jerry Lewis.
He used to be hysterical.
Now he's hysterical in France.
Yeah, right.
Like we're going to go to some dumb carnival.
Why? It says right here, "Fun for the whole family."
Wouldn't we actually need to be a family first?
Dad's too busy.
He doesn't have time to spend with us.
Maybe Daddy's seeing other children.
Let's not be paranoid.
I'm not paranoid.
Who said I was?
Help, Niles. We need drinks, and keep them coming.
I take it, sir, the composer meetings aren't going well.
Why isn't there any new talent in this town?
The man in my office is positively ancient.
He's not composing, he's decomposing.
I've got something that'll cheer you up.
There's a carnival at Brighton's school this Saturday.
Oh, "food, rides, games."
Sounds splendid.
By all means, take the children.
Have a wonderful time.
Well, I kind of thought that the whole family would go.
That would include the father.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm seeing composers all weekend.
Oh, well, that's understandable.
Why do I feel a "but" coming on?
No buts,
however, a carnival would be a good way
for you to spend some time with your kids,
and time is so fleeting at this age.
While I appreciate the skill and subtlety
of your guilt mongering,
I am opening a musical in eight weeks.
So? I have no music.
Oh.
Otherwise, I'd love to go. "I'd love to go."
Brighton, don't be so smart,
Tracy, dear, take smaller bites,
and Maggie, do try to be a bit more outgoing.
Well, carry on.
Well, he's got my vote for father of the year.
Now, now,
he would if he could, but he can't.
I mean, the man has to make a living, don't he?
Well, how else can we afford the lifestyle
to which I've become accustomed?
So I flunked facials.
We'll color it in and call it a mole.
There. You look just like Cindy Crawford.
I look like John-Boy Walton.
America loved him.
Hey, Mags.
Wow, you look really beautiful.
And?
And nothing. You look really good.
Shut up, Brighton.
Why are you being so nice to your sister?
Who'd you kill?
Why does everyone assume the worst of me?
It saves time.
You know, we did handwriting analysis
in school today.
I found out I'm very vulnerable.
Oh, isn't that fascinating?
Gee, I don't suppose you'd want to analyze
my handwriting?
Well, sure.
I might happen to have a piece
of old, unimportant scrap paper somewhere.
Let's see.
Ah!
Why don't you sign your name right here?
Okay.
Sucker!
What just happened here?
Honey, I am so far ahead of you, we're in different time zones.
Ooh, a note from the headmaster.
You're kidding?
Brighton Milhouse Sheffield!
You were caught smoking?
I was holding it for a friend.
Oh, please, Brighton.
Smoking?
That's disgusting.
It takes the idiots that start that filthy habit
years to quit.
I still haven't knocked off all the weight.
Where are you going?
Where do you think? To tell your father.
You heard. The man's busy.
Not too busy to hear this.
But he'll ship me off to military school.
Can our country really afford that?
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Brighton, smoking.
Where would you ever even get an idea like that?
From you...
Come to think of it.
Me?
Bad, bad Lenny Brown?
What?
Oh.
Oy.
So maybe we should just keep this
our little secret.
Wait a minute.
Are you trying to blackmail me?
Let's just say if I'm going down,
you're going down with me.
Who are you, Edward G. Robinson?
You think I'm going to be intimidated
by somebody that can walk under a coffee table?
He's going to fire me. I'd fire me.
Just when I figured out
the bidet is not a water fountain.
Yech! What am I doing?
I quit.
I've got to learn to deal with my problems
without a crutch.
What's to eat?
What was I thinking,
telling a story like that to a 10-year-old kid?
On the other hand,
if I told him to jump off the Empire State Building...
Hello. That was my mother's voice
that just crossed the Queensborough Bridge
and flew out my mouth.
But with such dulcet tones.
Oh, boy, this is so typical of kids.
You try and you try, and what do you get?
A slap in the face.
Oy! My mother again.
Niles, call an exorcist.
The previous nannies signed
all of Master Brighton's discipline reports themselves.
You're kidding? The nanny can do that?
Of course.
In fact, Nanny Six retired with carpal tunnel syndrome.
You know, Brighton wanted me to sign that note,
but at the time,
he was just looking to save his butt.
Of course, now that I'm looking to save mine,
it's not such a bad idea.
No.
I've got to tell Mr. Sheffield what I did.
If I don't, the evil eye'll get me.
I'll be hit by a bus for sure.
The evil eye?
Your mother again?
No. Grandma Yetta.
You know, Miss Fine,
it's always a pleasure spending time
with you and your family.
The kind of music that I hear for this show
is kind of a, you know, Bacharach-David,
kind of a Promises, Promises
Bounce, bounce. Lots of bounce. I'm not sure.
You're right. Dated! Awful! Out!
Knock, knock.
Yes, Miss Fine? What is it?
And quickly, please.
We have eight more composers to see today...
and you're right up there.
Well?
Um, this isn't the right time.
I don't want to annoy you.
Too late. Go on.
Okay. It's about Brighton.
Yes.
Well, remember the other day
Val and I were talking in the kitchen?
Or was it the living room?
Anyway, it was somewhere in the house...
and it's such a nice house.
You know, that's a lovely painting.
Who are those people?
Miss Fine.
It's just that brings the color out
in the couch so nice.
Yeah, well,
they say Rembrandt goes with everything.
Now what about Brighton. Is he injured?
No.
Well, is there property damage?
No. Is he missing?
No. He's right upstairs.
Well, then, what are you doing here?
Isn't this something you can handle on your own?
Honestly, Maxwell,
what is the point of having a nanny
if she can't take care of these things on her own?
Isn't that what I just said?
Yes, but I wanted to say it too.
Look, Miss Fine,
whatever it is, just take care of it.
I'm giving you carte blanche, all right?
All right.
Oh, well, Niles,
that was easier than I thought it would be.
You didn't tell him, did you?
No.
What about Grandma Yetta's evil eye?
Oh, that's just an oldboba-mayse.
Bubba... whatsa?
Aboba-mayse.
It's like an old wives' tale.
Honestly, Niles, it's the '90s.
For God's sakes,
who believes in the evil eye anyway?
Oy...
You're up early.
I couldn't sleep. Mm-hmm.
I had indigestion.
It has nothing to do with a guilty conscience,
if that's what you're implying.
Crêêpes? Back off, Niles.
I said I would punish the kid.
What else do you want?
Dare I suggest syrup?
Oh, what's with the third degree?
I tried to tell him. The man doesn't listen.
Everything I say goes in one ear and out the other.
Good morning, Miss Fine.
I've been thinking about what you said.
What? What did I say?
About spending more time with the children.
There, see, I've already started.
Children, we are going to the carnival.
All of us?
Mm-hmm. The whole family.
We're going to go on the rides, we're going to eat cotton candy.
It'll be like being a child again.
And it'll give me a chance
to talk to Brighton's headmaster,
see what he's been up to.
Oops.
These things can get so sticky.
You know, I kind of soured on that whole carnival thing.
It's so cold and windy.
It's in the gymnasium.
It's hot and stuffy.
Miss Fine,
I've just rearranged my entire schedule,
and now you're telling me you don't want to go?
Well, I'm not God. I don't make the weather.
But you insisted.
I wasn't feeling 100% that day.
I think I was ovulating.
Your eggs, sir.
Well, you may stay at home, but we are going.
Do something.
Okay, I'll do what I should've done
in the first place.
Hear, hear.
Here.
Uh, Mr. Sheffield,
I think there's something you should know.
Brighton.
We don't care that you're on parole.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
Fine. I'll tell him.
Um, Mr. Sheffield,
when we go to the carnival,
the headmaster may mention something
about Brighton smoking,
but he's quit and he's sorry,
and there's nothing for you to worry about.
Niles, these crêêpes are divine.
And so light.
My mother makes a blintz
that could double for a mattress.
Girls, you may be excused.
Not you, Miss Fine.
Smoking, Brighton?
I can't believe this.
What on Earth possessed you to do this?
Are you through here?
It's beginning to look that way.
Well, I'm waiting, young man.
What have you got to say for yourself?
I didn't inhale.
That is the most pathetically lame excuse
I've ever heard.
Go to your room.
Not you, Miss Fine.
Mr. Sheffield,
I think there's something you should know.
Well, I'll say.
Why wasn't I told about this?
Well, I tried to tell you.
You told me to take care of it.
I didn't know what the problem was.
Because you wouldn't listen.
Because you didn't tell me it was anything like this.
Oh, well, it's pointless to continue this discussion.
You had chocolate cake yesterday.
What's that bloody well got to do with anything?
Low blood sugar.
You're completely irrational.
I'm irrational? Me? Yes.
You're the one twisting everything around.
Oh, so now I'm twisting?
You are the most exasperating,
infuriating...
I think I just had a small stroke.
Does that mean
we're not going to the carnival?
Miss Fine...
Well, it's very easy for you to find fault.
You're off all day
with your glamorous theater people.
I'm stuck at home working like a dog,
raising the kids.
You're the nanny. It's your job.
Well, you're the father.
It's your job, too...
Mr. Sheffield... Sir.
Just go to your room.
Yes, you.
Can you believe he sent me to my room?
He is so adorable sometimes.
No, no, wrong.
Totally wrong.
Make a note. Fire the casting director.
Maxwell, you're being an absolute beast today.
I love it.
It's just that I know
exactly what I'm looking for.
I need a Broadway star with huge stage presence
who's instantly recognizable to the entire country.
Next!
He's tough.
You're telling me.
Break a leg, honey...
His.
I love her.
Your song, please?
Oh, I get to sing too?
All right, um... "People" in E flat.
Hit it.
Miss Fine!
Well, I can dream, can't I?
Take a break.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's take a break.
Miss Fine, we were in the middle of something.
Yes, I know.
That's why I'm here.
You know, you shouldn't leave the house
with things unresolved.
That's why men die young.
That's not why.
It's because they want to.
The wife?
The nanny.
Look, we both know
that you walked out on me
because you were losing the argument.
I wasn't losing anything.
Trust me, when you induce a stroke on your opponent,
it's a sure win.
I think you're winning again.
Well, it wasn't a fair fight.
You didn't have all the facts.
I don't think I can take any more.
Brighton got the idea to smoke from a story
that he might've, maybe, sort of heard from me.
From you? Kind of.
Well, what did you tell him?
Well, he said that he was bad,
and so I told him about a kid that was worse.
Who knew he'd take it as a challenge?
That's my boy.
Always striving to reach new depths.
I'm the worse nanny in the world.
All right, Rebecca de Mornay, then me.
Oh, I could just cut my tongue out,
so if you want to fire me, do it now.
No, I'm not going to fire you,
although that offer to cut out your tongue
might have some merit.
If you told Brighton to jump off London Bridge...
God, I'm beginning to sound just like...
I know.
Don't you hate when that happens?
I still can't believe that son of yours
didn't turn me in.
Yeah. Why do you suppose that is?
Who knows?
He's probably got some hideous torture
planned for me later.
No, I think perhaps...
I mean, could it be?
What?
He likes you?
Well, stranger things have happened.
No, you're the first nanny
Brighton's made any kind of connection with.
His mother was the only one that could handle him.
They had a special kind of relationship.
He feared her.
Fear. That's the key.
Now we have to figure out a way
to scare him bad enough
that he never smokes again.
I sent him to his room.
Oh, please,
with a wide-screen TV and a fully stocked mini-fridge?
Punish me.
So, what do you suggest?
Something much more cruel and unusual.
We are are going to have to consult
the high priestess of punishment.
Hello, Ma?
Grandma Yetta...
Yeah?
It's Franny.
Who?
Franny, your granddaughter.
Oh, Franny, hi.
It's nice to meet you.
That's the one good thing about senility.
You're always meeting new people.
How you doing, angel?
Thank God I've still got my health.
Maybe you two could go out
and have a smoke later.
Morty...
Morty, you never looked so good.
Did you get hair plugs?
Oh, no, Grandma, that's not Daddy.
So who the hell are you?
Maxwell Sheffield.
We brought you some babka.
Cake? Put it away.
Save it for my room.
If they see babka, they'll all want.
Uh, Grandma, I want you to meet somebody.
Oh, I haven't seen you since you were this big.
No, Yetta,
you've never met him before.
Oh.
Oy, Yetta, you sound like you're making espresso
over there.
All right, all right. I get the point.
Oh, no, you don't, bubele.
We're just getting started.
Why don't you go visit with Yetta?
Over there?
Yeah, where the air is nice and fresh.
Come here.
Let me have a look at that face.
Brighton was caught smoking.
Smoking? Feh!
You smoke.
Me it doesn't affect.
I'm like a horse.
But you,
you know what could happen?
We'll go meet Ethel, phlegm in a hairnet.
Oh, please, not Ethel.
Not Ethel! I swear.
I'll never touch another cigarette again.
Oh, God...
So what do you say
we go grab a cup of coffee
and break open the babka?
Babka?
Give them the babka!