Okay, boys. Here we go.
These are your gloves.
This is the ball, and these are the rules...
You throw, you catch.
Reverse, repeat.
Where's your cap?
Oh, I'm not really a cap person.
Oh, come on. You'll look adorable.
My life's ambition.
Try and be cool.
There.
Oh, yeah, we cool.
Come on, Gracie. We're going to the park.
I'm a little anxious
about this whole kite thing.
Why, sweetie? We're gonna have fun.
What if I let go of the string and lose it?
I'm not good with separation.
Oh, come on. You're not gonna lose it.
A kite is like a really cute guy.
You give him some slack, let him fly free.
Then, at the end of the day,
you yank his string and reel him back in.
And you hang him on a hook
till you're ready to use him again.
And I'm teaching you?
Okay, last question... what is the capital of Peru?
Lima.
Very good!
Boy, if she fit in your bookbag,
you might actually pass this test.
I don't need to be a genius.
I'm going to be a producer, like Dad.
Who said that?
Good morning, everyone.
I have the most fabulous news.
They've selected a dilettante
for the Biosphere?
I was at Elizabeth Arden
getting a facial, manicure, and herbal wrap...
You know, at Earl Scheib,
you could get the whole job done for $89.95,
bodywork included.
Anyway, who do you think was under the next turban?
Aladdin? Yasser Arafat?
No, that's not a turban, that's a burnoose.
Whatever it is, he could use a facial,
or better yet, a chemical peel.
Nanny Fine...
Wha..? We're giving him the Gaza Strip.
Would it kill him to take a shave
and put on a little Paco Rabanne?
Does the name Maureen Wentworth ring a bell?
Not even a jingle.
She invested $50,000 in our last production.
Ah, yes. How is the dear lady?
$50,000 for a lousy play?
Oh. Which I found delightful.
I'm still humming the tunes.
$50,000 is the kind of change
she finds in her couch.
These are the Wentworths that came over on theMayflower.
How did they know what to pack?
I mean, you're going to a new world...
is it hot, is it cold, is it rainy?
There are no brochures.
They were pilgrims, Miss Fine.
They all wore the same thing.
And that was a mistake.
Very few people can wear a big hat, a big collar,
and a big buckle.
Anyway, Maureen and her daughter, Cynthia,
are very active in the Cotillion Society,
and I mentioned Maggie,
and they've invited her to be a junior deb.
C.C., that's splendid!
What a nice opportunity for Maggie.
Maggie? Oh, yes, of course.
And it wouldn't hurt us to cultivate some new old money.
Excuse me, but does anyone care how I feel about this?
I know I don't.
Oh, you'll love it!
I was a debutante.
It's the only way to meet the right people,
make the right connections,
marry the right man.
But you never got married.
Good one.
I don't want to be a deb.
But sweetheart, it might help you come out of your shell.
I like my shell.
If you get real close to Maggie,
you can hear the ocean.
You know, I agree with Miss Babcock.
I know. It was an ugly shock to me too.
But, angel, I think it would be a good opportunity for you.
I don't care what you all think. I don't want to do it!
Kids.
I should have stayed in retail.
I'll do it.
I mean, who does C.C. think she is,
butting into my social life?
What social life?
I just went to the movies with Denise.
Honey, she's the cleaning lady.
You're 14 years old.
This house should be filled with obnoxious teenagers,
swapping sweaters and trashing each other.
I hate all those girls.
They all go to my school.
They're just so stuck-up and snobby.
Popular? Yeah.
Oh, honey, you could be just as popular.
You're smart and gorgeous,
plus you got a double-A width.
The world is your oyster.
Skinny feet cannot get you into this group.
You don't know what these cliques are like.
Oh, you think they're any different
from the Cosmetology Club at Flushing High?
True, we had better nails, but all cliques are alike.
You got your leader of the pack...
she's the prettiest, the snobbiest,
and everybody wants to be her friend.
That's Cindy.
Forget her. She don't need you.
Find the low man on the totem pole and make your move.
You see, no one ever listens to her,
so she'll be grateful and wide open for infiltration.
How do I infiltrate?
Choose from the three universal topics...
boys, clothes, and Bobby Sherman.
Bobby who?
Okay, Marky Mark,
but he doesn't have half the talent of Bobby.
It also helps to unite against a common enemy.
A good choice would be your gym teacher.
You make it sound like a war.
It's worse. War is just hell. This is high school.
That's Bobby Sherman.
What's that?
That's his hair.
Isn't he cute?
He's not really my type.
I'm torn between Barney... and Ted Koppel.
Yeah, but Bobby could sing.
You should hear his records.
What's a record?
Oy... just bury me.
That sweater you wore today is just gorgeous.
Sure. No wonder Jason Matthews has a crush on you.
Don't you think he looks just like Marky Mark?
The three universal topics and sucking up...
grand slam.
Can this be? Our Maggie has a friend?
You live long enough, you see everything.
Where's Maxwell?
Yes, I've been feeling a little under the weather,
but I'm much better now.
He wants these contracts in London by morning.
Well, here, hop on.
With the time difference, you'll just make it.
Fran... I'm on the phone with Cindy Wentworth.
And she'd like to know what to bring tomorrow.
I told her... potato salad, and not the German kind.
Niles, why is Miss Fine using the words
"Wentworth" and "potato salad" in the same sentence?
Miss Margaret and Miss Fine are hosting
a mother-daughter debutante tea.
You're hosting a society tea?
Yeah. I thought we'd do potluck.
That always goes over big.
What?
Meanwhile, with all their money,
go find someone to bring an entrée.
You're asking Maureen Wentworth to bring her own food?
Well, fair is fair.
I mean, we're springing
for the make-your-own sundae bar,
the cosmetic demonstration,
and the gypsy fortune-teller.
Come on, kids.
Let's go wrap the gifts for the grab bag.
Miss Fine, a moment.
Does this mean you're not leaving?
Sorry to disappoint you.
I'll bounce back.
Okay, kids, start without me.
Oh, and Maggie...
make sure you take the best gift
and wrap it in aluminum foil.
That way you can always grab it for yourself.
Always the gracious hostess.
Oh, you should've seen my Sweet 16
at Benny's Clam Bar.
We took over the whole half-shell room.
I'm sure it was the highlight
of the Flushing social season.
Nah.
That was the Astoria Boulevard block party.
They had two of The Four Tops.
Miss Fine, my point is,
a society hostess should have style, flair,
and a proper degree of social sophistication.
Yeah, so?
So you're grossly underqualified.
And yet still Maggie's first choice.
Miss Fine, this is not a popularity contest.
And I won anyway.
I'll have you know I have traveled
in some pretty exclusive circles.
I sat at the captain's table on the Carnival cruise,
passed the A-1 to Kathie Lee.
Miss Fine, this is not brunch
with Captain Stubing.
These women are vicious, backstabbing, judgmental harpies.
I know. They're my closest friends.
Oh, you don't scare me.
I have sat in on my mother's Mah Jongg group.
Ah.
My fears are allayed.
Maggie's social future
rests securely in your capable hands.
Well, at least her fears are getting allayed.
You know, I'm really getting the hang
of this baseball thing.
I'm rather enjoying it, actually.
Don't toss the ball in the house, sir.
Oh, Niles, don't be such a stick-in-the-mud.
Go on, old man, get out in the hall.
I'll burn one in.
Dear God in heaven.
Right. Ready?
It was old.
Ancient, actually.
Oh, well. One less thing to dust.
Maybe I'll just pay some bills.
Oh, and I was so hoping
we could toss the frisbee around.
Who's Madam Aleska?
And why am I paying her $200?
She's the fortune-teller Miss Fine hired for the party.
A fortune-teller at a society tea?
Perhaps she can read the leaves.
Oh, Niles, I'm beginning to have second thoughts about this.
Can you really picture Miss Fine
in a room full of New York society matrons?
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
You want to hear a good one?
Miss Babcock was saying
I'm going to stick out like a sore thumb
at tomorrow's tea party.
Well, jump in anytime with heartfelt reassurance.
Don't worry, Miss Fine. These ladies tend to be a bit stuffy,
but you'll be a breath of fresh air.
A delightful... novelty.
In other words, a freak in the sideshow.
Well, everybody loves the circus.
But I don't want to embarrass Maggie.
14 is a very vulnerable age.
I remember when I was 14.
My mother came to pick me up after school
in a halter top and pedal pushers...
Oh! I'm still looking for the right support group.
All right, Miss Fine,
let's suppose for a moment we shared your concern.
It's really too late to cancel the party now.
Or is it?
Oh, no, don't. You can't cancel.
Maggie is counting on it.
Can't you just teach me how to fit in?
Come on, Niles. You know all about that fancy-schmancy stuff.
Yes. I'm very proud of my command
of both the fancy and the schmancy.
So tell me...
what is the difference between me and those ladies?
I wouldn't know where to begin.
Her clothes. Her hair.
Her voice. Her laugh.
Boy, you came up with that list pretty fast.
It would be a monumental task.
Impossible.
Oh, go for it.
I'm an empty canvas, a blank slate,
an Etch-A-Sketch right after you shake it.
All right, you're on.
We have 24 hours
to turn this breath of fresh air
into a stale pretentious snob.
In other words, Miss Babcock.
By George, I think he's got it.
Round tones, Miss Fine.
How now, brown cow?
How now, brown... oy.
Enough with the marbles. I've swallowed three and passed two already.
How now, brown cow?
Not that there's gonna be any cows at the party.
That's what you think.
Party, Miss Fine.
Yes, let's try to capture that elusive letter "R."
What? Your accent, it's so...
odd. It's inescapable.
I don't see an "R" coming out of your mouths.
That's because we're British.
Yes, we can say anything we like,
and people think it's Shakespeare.
All right. Repeat after me.
Mark went on a lark after dark in Central Park.
Gee, I hope he has a gun.
Miss Fine, focus.
All right, but the Kennedys don't have an "R" between them.
They pahk the cah in the rivah,
and get away with it.
No, no. It's all wrong.
I'll say. This book is flattening my whole pouf.
It's your hips, Miss Fine.
I've never had any complaints before.
It's the way they move from side to side.
Well, I've never had any complaints before.
What's the matter? These ladies don't have hips?
Not really, no.
And flat bums.
But who's looking?
Mm.
Perhaps we should move on to conversation, sir.
Oh, now, that's my area of speciality.
I am never at a loss for words.
There are several topics which are appropriate
in any social setting...
the weather, current events, literature.
I'll take literature for 100, Alex.
What, I shouldn't laugh?
If you must,
try a soft, breathy "a-ha ha ha ha".
A-ha ha ha ha.
And close.
No. No. No. No.
I can't believe you're knocking my style.
I'm known for my style,
except for that brief cornrow period
after I saw10.
Ah, what about this beige frock?
That's my dress bag.
Two arm holes and a string of pearls...
Could work.
This is the fish knife,
the steak knife, the salad knife,
and the butter knife.
You know, one amazing Ginsu could do it all.
All right. Let's start again.
The salad course has arrived, and you pick up your...
Mm... the salad fork.
And wrong again.
That is your shrimp fork.
Well, I don't know about you, but I'm getting shrimp salad.
All right. We've finished our meal.
What do we do now?
If you're at my mother's house,
you open your pants and flop on the couch.
Guess again.
Oh, yeah.
Tart but refreshing.
No, Miss Fine, that is your finger bowl!
It's for washing the fingers.
What, these people can't afford Wet Naps?
Oh, God. This is worse than an opening night.
And the critics here are much tougher.
Well, whatever happens, Niles,
I've enjoyed working with you.
Same here, sir.
Somehow I feel closer to you.
Well, let's not get carried away, old man.
Sorry, sir.
I say, old man, we did it.
We did it! We did it.
We said that we would do it.
And indeed we did!
Hello. How do you do?
How now, brown cow?
Maureen.
C.C., how lovely to see you.
Kiss-kiss. Hug-hug.
Uh, tell me, who is that lovely creature
on Maxwell's arm?
That's the nanny.
Oh. And yet, what a stunning outfit.
Thank you.
Mrs. Wentworth, I'd like you to meet
our hostess, Miss Fran Fine.
Charmed, I'm sure.
Look who discovered the letter "R."
Please excuse me for being tardy,
but I was on the phone with my mother,
and she can be such ayenter.
This is a great party, Maggie.
It's almost as much fun as algebra.
Look, guys, it's gonna get better, really.
Fran has the whole party all planned.
What a lovely artifact. Is it Mayan?
No, it's his-an.
Niles, mayday.
I'm on it, sir.
Would you care for a cucumber sandwich?
Oh, thank you. Don't these look yummy?
Please enjoy. I've had the seeds removed to avoid gas.
Come. Let's meet our other guests.
Gas, Miss Fine?
I was just trying to make conversation.
Indeed. Literature, the weather, and the lively arts
are such narrow topics.
One must invariably turn to flatulence
for inspiration.
Would you like to come up to my room
and play with my Gameboy?
Eat dirt.
Ooh-kay.
Dead, my uncle was, right there on the couch,
only nobody noticed until the seventh-inning stretch,
when he did not.
Ah-ha ha ha ha.
And close.
Fran, could I talk to you for a moment?
If you'll excuse me, we'll schmooze later.
Fran, my friends are bored.
I thought you said we were gonna have entertainment.
Well, we're gonna sing madrigals with the harpist.
Is this classy or what?
No. It stinks.
What?
This is the worst party I've ever been to!
She obviously missed my cousin Ira's bris.
I take it in there you weren't entirely thrilled
with the party.
What happened to the party we planned?
Well, I thought that this would be better...
you know, classier,
more like what you're used to.
I'm used to sitting home alone.
All right, so after this party, things should be back to normal.
What have you done to yourself?
That hair, that outfit?
And where did you get that voice?
Well, I got a little from Niles, a little from your father,
but mostly Mrs. Howell.
What were you thinking?
Oh, I wasn't.
I listened to Miss Babcock.
Why, I don't know.
Does she entertain?
In all the time I've known the woman,
she's never had me over once.
I can't believe you dressed up like a geek
and ruined my party.
Oy.
It's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Aw, don't mention it...
ever again.
You know, you didn't have to change.
Aren't you always telling me to be myself?
Sure, when you're you, perfection,
you could be yourself,
but when you're me, a diamond in the rough...
Are you kidding? I'd kill to be like you!
Really?
I'd kill to be like you.
So what do you say we go throw a party
that'll kill C.C.?
Oh, now you're thinking like a deb.
Kiss-kiss. Hug-hug.
Come on, take my hair out.
Actually, my people came over
on theMayflower.
Oh, of course... the collar, the buckle.
I didn't put it together without the hat.
We landed on Plymouth Rock.
My family can be traced back for 500 years.
We landed on Ellis Island.
They changed our names,
and now we don't know who the hell we were.
Okay. Who wants sprinkles?
Your father is really cute.
You know, they say I look just like him.
They lied.
You know, these are just delicious.
You like, huh?
Marshmallow Rice Krispy treats, always a big hit.
Mm. You must give me the recipe for Cook.
Honey, buy the cereal. It's right on the side panel.
What, you're gonna make me write it down?
Maxwell, this woman is a gem.
Oh, Maureen, enough!
Fran tells me you're mounting
a new musical.
I want in.
You think that you have room for one more investor?
For Mrs. Wentworth, anything,
and I'm certain this one's gonna be a monster hit.
I know. The fortune-teller told me.
I tell you for the hundredth time.
I see no tall, dark, handsome...
nothing in your future!
This is a great party, Maggie.
I hate to go home.
What do you say I give you a ride in the limo?
Just me and you in the backseat?
Okay.
Oh, God!
Fran? Thanks for everything.
Oh, angel.
Hmm?
I never doubted you for a minute.
I want you to pick first from the grab bag.
Me? Oh, I wasn't gonna pick.
All right.
Oh, I wonder what this could be.