Ah-choo!
Hey, Niles, are you okay?
Oh, I'm afraid I'm feeling a bit queer.
Don't ask, don't tell.
But for God's sakes, come out of the closet.
Ill, Miss Fine. I'm beginning to feel a bit ill.
Oh! Oh, you British.
You look like us, you act like us,
but bottom line, you're foreigners.
Come here.
Let me take your temperature.
99.3.
I must say, you have very skillful lips.
Oh, honey, you don't know the half of it.
Put this down.
Go upstairs, lie down, and rub on some Vicks.
I will let you know when dinner's ready.
You? You? You?
Yes, me. Now, go, go.
I'm perfectly capable of getting dinner on the table.
Hello, Fung Lum's? Do you deliver?
Okay, well, we want the family dinner.
Yeah. I feel like shrimp.
Gracie, honey, what do you feel like?
I feel trapped.
Maybe we should order the dysfunctional family dinner.
With that, they promise you shrimp,
and then they don't give it to you.
Niles!
Oh, hold on a minute. The father may be joining us.
This could mean an upgrade to the imperial feast.
What's going on? Where's Niles?
Oh, he's queer.
So we're doing take-out.
Take-out?
Well, I'm just trying
to expose the children to other cultures.
We order Chinese food,
they learn how Jewish people eat.
Are you sure you wouldn't rather
take them to the 21 Club?
Aw! Aw! Aw!
Oh, now, kids, if the man's insisting...
No, no, no. You have your fun.
Order Chinese.
Yes!
Just make sure Grace gets an optimistic fortune.
All right.
I don't care
if you're down to your last one.
We waited an hour and a half for this food.
I should be hungry again already.
Finally!
Oh! Yay!
Ling, this better be you.
Eddie?
Maggie!
I thought this house looked familiar.
Come on in.
Um, I can't. I have another order to deliver.
Meanwhile, I waited an hour and a half.
What's their rush?
Are you that waiter that kissed Maggie
at Daddy's party?
Good night, Gracie.
You know,
Maggie never stops talking about you.
Sometimes... ow!
Fran, Maggie kicked me.
It wasn't Maggie.
Go. Start without us.
Ew, this bag's greasy.
Mm! Extra flavor.
So, does your father still want to kill me
for kissing you at the party?
Yeah.
Don't worry about him.
He knows it was just a kiss.
It wasn't just a kiss for me.
Ooh!
You pay him.
Give him a nice tip, but not too much.
We don't want him to think we're desperate.
Would you go eat?
Don't be nosy!
Stuck to the door again, Miss Fine?
Niles, I'm the nanny.
I'm paid to watch the children.
Why aren't you sleeping?
I was, but I put on so much eucalyptus rub,
I dreamt I was attacked by a giant koala.
You know, I have that same dream.
Now you're both scaring me.
Come on. Have some won ton.
Now, listen, kids, when Maggie comes out,
I want you all to act like nothing happened.
Please, nobody give her the third degree.
Oh, tell me everything!
What did he say? Did he ask you out?
Yes!
Oh!
Where are you gonna go? What are you gonna wear?
What are you gonna tell Dad?
Maxwell, I thought
we were going to meet at Le Cirque.
Why the sudden change in plans?
I have a special birthday present for you,
and I just couldn't wait.
You didn't have to get me anything.
Oh, all right. Forget it.
Maxwell, you beast.
C.C.
C.C., you've been alone too long.
A lovely woman like you
should have someone to come home to,
Someone... someone who loves you.
Oh, Maxwell...
Close your eyes and put out your hand.
An engagement dog?
I... I beg your pardon?
What an engaging dog!
Oh, Maxwell, how thoughtful!
Mm!
Fluffy, and a good judge of character.
He needs some time to get used to you.
I mean, you can't expect a dog
to just jump into your arms
and love you at first sight.
Mr. Sheffield... oh, you got her a puppy?
Oh, how sweet!
Oh, and look how friendly he is!
Oh...
Look, he's like a little chestnut.
You should call him Chester.
If you don't mind, he's my dog.
I'll name him.
Chester it is.
Maxwell, I don't know how to thank you
for this lovely gift.
I'll think I'll just take him home
and put him to sleep.
You mean to bed.
Whatever.
Maxwell, I'll meet you at the restaurant.
Bye, Chester! Bye, little Chester!
Bye!
You should've gotten her the toaster oven.
Yes, Miss Fine, is this a social call?
Uh, well, I do have a little problem
I need to discuss with you.
It's not really a problem
so much as it is a dilemma.
No! That has a negative connotation.
Miss Fine, I do have dinner reservations.
Oh, I'm getting to it.
Um, Maggie was asked out on a date tomorrow.
Oh, that's not a problem. Just tell her no.
Hence the dilemma.
You said yes?
Well, it's just a movie. A cartoon, yet.
How could you do that?
I mean, who is this boy? Do I know him?
Does anybody really know anybody?
You're trying my patience.
Oh, all right. It was Eddie
from the backers' party you threw.
Eddie the kissing waiter?
Well, he's also a delivery boy.
It was fate, I tell you.
He delivered the take-out.
He's saving up to go to Yale,
and I'm not talking about the locksmith school either.
Yale? Really?
Mm-hmm.
What's he going to study?
Uh, study?
Uh...
Llamas?
Drama.
Dram...
So my daughter wants to date an actor?
Where did I go wrong?
Oh, if you could've only seen the way
those two kids looked at each other.
Oh, well, maybe it's better you didn't.
Miss Fine, you see the position you've put me in?
Now you're the good guy,
and I'm the ogre who won't let his daughter go to the ball.
Oh, nobody thinks of it that way.
I mean, maybe the word "ogre" was mentioned.
You can't shelter her forever.
I mean, boys will come knocking,
and if you don't let them in the front door,
She is gonna start sneaking out the window.
I have seen it 100 times.
Take Theresa Polelli...
Theresa Polelli the casting director?
You know her?
Well, I've used her.
And the legend lives on.
Oh, very well, Miss Fine.
Margaret may go on her date.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Sheffield.
Good night, Miss Fine.
Good night, Mr. Sheffield.
Enjoy the movie tomorrow.
What? I'm not going.
Oh, yes, you are. You're going to chaperon.
Chaperon?
Is that still a word?
Ogres still use it.
Oh, why do I have to be thenuchslep?
The what-slep?
Thenuch... slep.
The tag-along, the pathetic loser
living on the cusp of other people's lives.
Oh, I'm sure you'll catch on quickly.
What did he say, yes or no?
Yes, but you're not gonna like the fine print.
I have to go with you.
So what you're saying is that on my first date
alone with a gorgeous guy,
you're gonna be sitting right next to me?
You got it.
Thank God.
Oh, let's try this.
Um, excuse us.
Would you mind moving down a seat?
There's two seats there.
Yeah, but we're three.
Her date is getting our refreshments.
If she's on a date, who are you?
The chaperon.
Oh. Move down for thenuchslep.
Looks too young to be anuchslep.
You don't have to be old. You just have to be a loser.
Are you two gonna talk through the whole movie?
So how do you think it's going?
Nice. Very nice.
So you don't think I'm being too quiet?
Mm... you know,
let me give you a little bit of advice.
Remember when Eddie came to the house
and you said hello?
Uh-huh.
That was good. Elaborate on that.
Well, how?
Honey, it's your first date.
Why don't you just relax and enjoy it?
I remember my first date...
Robbie Ortoff, the Flamingo Beach Club.
What's she saying?
She's talking about the old days,
when she had a life.
Do you mind?
I'm trying to tell a story here.
Ah, thenuchslep's getting annoyed.
So you didn't know what to say
on your first date, either?
Oh, no, honey,
but I've got the gift of gab.
The point is,
you've got to be yourself too, only louder.
Hi.
Hello!
I got popcorn.
I love popcorn!
Here's your soda.
Oy! Look at the size of this thing.
It should come with a lifeguard.
Yeah, I think mine has an undertow.
Yeah. My soda's so big...
I don't think I'll be able to drink it all.
It's really big.
There is a God.
It is so good to see you back again on your feet, Niles.
Thank you, sir.
I've prepared your favorite...
Belgian waffles.
I don't recall them being my favorite.
Oh. Then they must be mine.
It was my grandfather's recipe,
served at the coronation breakfast
of George VI.
Mm! Eggos!
Belgian waffles, Miss Fine.
Very close.
Mm.
Maggie, you haven't told us about your date last night.
Maggie, dear, your hair's in the syrup.
We had a wonderful time.
It was terrible. I didn't have anything to say.
I sat there like a lump.
Well, so do mashed potatoes, and everybody likes them.
Maggie, you were great. She was a regular riot.
Remember that really funny thing
that you said about the egg cream?
That was you.
Oh.
How about that really funny joke you said
about this guy in a turban?
You. Oh. Well, how about...
You, you, you, you, you!
Oh, boy, was I on last night or what?
Well, I'm sure it'll go better next time.
There won't be a next time,
because I'm never gonna see him again
because I'm a worthless, pathetic, unlovable nothing.
Can I have your waffle?
Sweetheart, don't be so down on yourself.
Maggie, you have so much to offer.
I'm sure that's Eddie probably right now.
Yeah, right.
It's Master Eddie. There. What'd I tell you?
I'm afraid it's not for Miss Margaret.
It's for you.
Me? Yes. You, you, you, you, you.
Hello? Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Okay.
Bye, Eddie.
Well?
Eddie says hello.
And?
And he wants to see me Friday night.
Could you pass the syrup, please?
Why don't you just take it, like you take everything else?
Margaret!
Is this sarcasm? From Margaret?
Maggie, maybe we should go talk somewhere?
Why don't you just talk to Eddie?
Yes, folks, it's definitely sarcasm.
And Maggie scores again...
Shut up, Brighton!
Let's just everyone calm down.
No. Let her vent.
It'll make her feel better.
It'll make us all feel better.
I trusted you, and you stole my boyfriend.
I hate you!
There. Doesn't everybody feel better now?
I know I do.
Honey, it's Daddy.
Look, if you come out of your room,
we'll go to Rumplemeyer's for some ice cream.
Can't you just let me die in peace?
Ice cream always used to work.
So did chaperoning.
What are you saying? This is my fault?
No, no. It's my fault...
for listening to you in the first place.
I never should have gone on that date.
Well, neither should Maggie,
but you pushed her into it.
I didn't push her.
Trust me, you pushed.
You always push. Push, push, push!
Wait. Are you implying that I push?
Niles, who's right here?
This darn cold. Can't hear a thing.
Okay, so maybe I push, but somebody has to.
Haven't you ever seen the little baby birds
looking out over the edge of their nest?
It's the mama bird
that has to push them into the world
so that they learn to fly.
Haven't you ever seen those little baby birds
dead on the sidewalk?
One in ten, tops.
Well, if only you'd sat
in the back of the movie theater
like a proper nuch... slep.
But, no, you had to go be witty and charming,
and make the boy like you.
Can I help it if I effervesce?
Well, must you make everyone like you?
Even the dog preferred you over C.C.
Oh, now, that was pure animal instinct.
This never happened with the other nannies,
with their sour dispositions and chin whiskers.
Chin whiskers?
In the age of electrolysis?
No excuse for that.
But at least their boundaries were clear.
I don't know.
Sometimes you seem more like Maggie's girlfriend
than her nanny.
Her girlfriend?
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you're a genius.
What did I say?
Nothing very profound, sir.
I thought you couldn't hear.
It's a miracle.
Go away!
I couldn't hear you.
Did you say "come in?"
No, but do what you want. You will anyway.
I brought you some Mallomars.
I'm too depressed to eat.
Gee, I wish depression had that effect on me.
Do you know how humiliated I feel,
losing my boyfriend... to my nanny?
Honey, I think you're too old to have a nanny.
I mean, it's okay for Brighton and Gracie,
but I'd like to think of you and I
more like friends.
Some friend.
Do friends steal their friends' boyfriends?
Absolutely not.
I mean, take me and Val.
There were plenty of times when we would meet a guy,
and she would fall in love with him
and he would all in love with me,
or I would fall in love with him
and he'd fall in love...
Nah, that never happened.
The point is, though,
we never let it ruin our friendship.
And that's the official girlfriends' code.
The what?
You never heard
of the official girlfriends' code?
The O.G.C.?
No.
What do they teach you in those private schools?
Rule number one...
you never gossip about your best friend,
a totally moronic rule that nobody follows,
so we'll move on to rule number two.
If a girl falls for a guy
and the idiot guy
falls for her effervescent but totally blameless friend,
then the aforementioned friend is obliged to dump him.
You would do that for me?
Honey, it's the O.G.C.
Maybe I will have one of those Mallomars.
Rule number three...
when it comes to chocolate,
it's every girl for herself.
Rule number 27...
just because you're dumping someone
doesn't mean you shouldn't look your best.
Oh, God. That's him. What are we gonna do?
Okay, don't worry. I'll let him down gently.
Destroy him.
All right.
Can I listen?
Oh, sure! What do you think the butler's pantry is for?
Just looking for a ladle.
Ah. Here it is.
Mm-hmm.
Ahem.
Hello, Ed.
Hi.
I brought you some spareribs.
Oh, you are some little operator, aren't you?
First you ask Maggie out on a date,
then you toy with her emotions,
now you're bringing me pork.
What are you, some kind of delivering Don Juan?
What are you talking about?
Us. Me. You. It's not gonna happen.
You think...
Miss Fine, you're old enough to be my...
Watch it. Sister.
I mean,
I really like you a... as a friend.
Whoa. Wait a minute. Are you dumping me?
These ribs are for dumping?
No, they were more like kind of a bribe.
Oh. For what?
Well, I was hoping that maybe you could
give Mr. Sheffield my picture and résumé.
Picture and résumé?
That's what you wanted to ask me?
Yeah, for when he casts his next show.
Well, why didn't you just ask Maggie that?
Well, because I really like her, and... I don't know,
I just didn't want her to think I was using her.
Oh, but you don't mind using me.
Yeah. No, no, no, no!
I mean, I just thought
it would be easier for you
because you're not shy. You're...
Pushy.
Exactly.
Just give me the damn pictures.
So, is Maggie here?
I thought maybe we could go for a walk.
One minute. I'll get her.
There are 19 rooms in this house.
You all ended up in here?
I needed a spoon.
Just returning the ladle.
All right. So you all heard.
I feel your pain.
Thank you.
Come, children.
So, does this mean
that I have to dump him, since he dumped you?
Technically, he didn't dump me,
because he never liked me in the first place. Okay?
So there's your loophole. Make your move.
Thank you.
Go take a walk with your boyfriend,
and let this pushy old broad eat her ribs in peace.
May I?
Of course you can. Have a good time.
Thank you, Dad.
Well, you're certainly singing a different tune.
If I don't open the door,
she'll only sneak out the window.
Oh, that's very wise.
Yeah?
Some pushy old broad told me.
Oh.
Miss Babcock, sir.
I hope she brought Chester.
Hello, all.
Oh, Chester! Come here.
Come here. Oh, good boy.
Oh, thank God you're okay.
You better watch it.
She may need a muff.
Oh, it's so great that you love to floss.
I mean, you only get two sets of teeth,
except my Cousin Ira. He got three,
but you know, he's a freak of nature.
Here we go.
Oh, look at you.
Oh, how beautiful.
You'll never have gum disease. Yes.
You know, they also make a cinnamon floss.
This is the mint flavor.
You like that.
I wish the children flossed like you do.
I'm going to tell Miss Babcock
to buy you a whole case of dental floss.