I'm so excited we're gonna get to meet
Mr. Sheffield's nanny.
He must've been so cute as a baby
in his little pram
with his little silver pacifier
and his little three-piece diaper.
Oh, yes. He was a little stinker.
I remember his first word...
"Niles!"
Oh...
Niles!
We're gonna have to work on his vocabulary.
Ah, Niles, there you are. I want you standing by.
Standing by what, sir?
Me.
I want everything perfect for Nanny.
All right, girls,
let's see your curtsies.
No, no, no. Back straight.
I'm getting the feeling he's done that before.
Niles, that's the doorbell.
Oh, sir, I would be lost without you.
Nanny Mueller.
Oh, Maxwell, mein Liebchen.
Look how handsome you've become.
You're the image of your father at that age.
He had a head of hair just like yours,
and then, one day... pfft. Kojak.
Nanny, you look wonderful.
I'd like you to meet...
No. Not another word.
I feel as if I know them.
You must be Margaret.
No, I'm Grace.
Well, if somebody sent me a snapshot once in a while,
maybe I would know them.
I'm Maggie, Nanny Mueller.
Well, button up, dear.
If Victoria can keep her secret, so can you.
And, Brighton.
You call this a handshake?
What are you, a man or a fish?
Actually, I'm a Pisces.
You, young man...
I will be watching.
Otherwise, Maxwell, I'm impressed.
You obviously found yourself
a proper nanny to rear the children.
Brighton, what'd you put down the toilet?
It's all stuffed up.
Oh, you're here already? Hello.
Who is this person, the plumber?
Nanny Mueller,
I'd like you to meet Fran Fine,
the nanny.
Oh.
Charmed. Nice to meet you.
Niles, take the woman's coat.
She's got a sweat moustache.
Oops. My mistake.
Thank you.
Well, your home is charming.
It amazes me
what you've been able to do, Maxwell.
And all from putting on your little plays.
Oh, they're not so little.
He lost over a million on the last one.
Tell me, Margaret,
do you plan to go on the stage?
Uh, no, I don't think so.
Well, then we don't need to be made up
like a showgirl, do we?
So, Nanny Mueller, how was your passage?
Well, theQE2 is always splendid,
but the food has fallen off a bit.
Go eat on a boat.
I took the kids on the Staten Island ferry.
I swear, half a hot dog, and we're pulling whiskers out of our teeth.
Sausage, anyone?
Miss, um, Fine, is it? Yes.
Which agency exactly was it that arranged
for your position here?
Oh, I didn't come through an agency.
Mr. Sheffield hired me right off the street.
It's not like it sounds.
I tried her out for the weekend first.
So, Nanny Mueller,
how long you planning on staying? A week?
Or so.
It's the "or so" I'm worried about.
Miss Fine, you know, in my day,
the nanny always sat in the kitchen
with the rest of the staff.
Well, those days are over.
You just sit right here with us.
Make yourself at home.
I see you have, at the tableund
Here in America, we're a little less formal.
When in Rome, Fraulein.
Well, I think I had just about enough.
I'll show her to her room.
Guten Abend. Good night.
Sleep tight.
Nice meeting you.
She hates my guts.
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
No, it's just that you...
Well, you are somewhat of an acquired taste...
like sushi.
Sushi.
Leave it to the Japanese
to invent a restaurant where you don't have to cook.
And we wonder why we're behind.
You're looking very fit, Nilesy.
Oh, Clara.
Then you do remember me.
How could I forget you...
the butler's son?
A callow youth just beginning in service.
And you, the experienced older woman.
Ha, ha, ha! I was all of 22...
Okay, 32.
And yet I learned so much from you.
Let's review.
A little fluff, a little tease,
and you'll look just like...
my mother.
I was hoping for Michelle Pfeiffer.
Yeah. So was my mother.
Brighton, you lost all your checkers.
You always lose everything.
Not everything. I'm still stuck with you.
Oh, shut up, Brighton. You shut up.
Shut up, Brighton! Will you both shut up?
Here. Use the cookies.
That way, you can eat your winnings.
But all the pieces are black.
All right, here. Now they're not.
Now, what color polish for your nails, Miss Pfeiffer?
Little girls should not
paint ze face or ze fingers. Ve do not want to...
Oh, hello, Nanny Mueller!
Well, aren't we the regular Hogan Hero?
He's great with impressions.
He does me too. Do me. Do me.
Oy.
We do not do our hair in the kitchen,
und on the counter.
We are not a teapot.
Sometimes I am.
It's an American thing.
Brighton, are you eating sweets between meals?
I had to. I jumped her.
Miss Fine, you allow this?
I don't make the rules.
If he jumped her, he jumped her.
Proper children don't play with their food.
Then I'd better go get the Tater Tots out of my toy box.
He reminds me of his father at this age.
We sent him away to boarding school.
Knocked that smart-aleck streak right out of him.
Ugh. Boarding school.
Poor Mr. Sheffield.
I couldn't make it through one night of sleepaway camp.
I mean, what kind of a sadist
puts a bunch of kids into a tent
after feeding them franks and beans?
The bears didn't know what hit 'em.
All right. Fine. Goodbye.
My mother will not listen to reason.
She's taking a trip to the Orient,
and every time she travels alone,
she picks up some gigolo who spends all of her money.
I can see why you're concerned.
Darn right. It's my inheritance.
Excuse me. Hello?
Yeah. Just a moment. C.C.?
Is it my mother, B.B.?
Sister.
D.D.!
They save a fortune in engraving.
Mm-hm. Uh, Mr. Sheffield, you got a minute?
I really want to talk to you about your Nanny Mueller.
Is there a problem? Well, it's just that
it gets a little confusing for the kids
when I say one thing and she says another.
Such as?
You know, I say "tomayto," she says "tomahto."
I say potato, she says...
Miss Fine.
Well, since you asked,
Maggie is upset because Nanny Mueller
took away all her makeup, which kind of upsets me,
because most of it was mine.
Well, she is only 14.
And every time Brighton cracks a joke,
she's sending him off to boarding school,
which, if you ask me, at his age,
could screw any kid up for life.
I was sent away to Eton at precisely his age.
Uh-huh.
Miss Fine, considering your limited experience in this field,
maybe you should take advantage of this visit.
Pick up a few tips from an old pro.
Well, who is she, Arnold Palmer?
She happens to be a highly trained,
highly skilled professional nanny,
and has been for the last 40 years.
Well, meanwhile,
she's scaring Gracie to death
with those stories about that fat bear
that can't even get through the doorway
every time he has a decent meal.
Are you talking about Winnie The Pooh?
Yeah. Him.
And who in his right mind
would call a boy "Winnie," let alone "the Pooh"?
Most children love those stories.
Far be it for me to pooh-pooh the Pooh,
but in case you haven't noticed,
Gracie is not most children.
She likes a good thriller.
We're right in the middle of The Firm.
What's the matter, Nanny Fine?
Nanny Mueller giving you a run for your money?
You got a piece of parsley
right over there.
For heaven's sake.
I think Nanny Mueller is marvelous.
She reminds me of my nanny. Bobo.
Bobo?
Oy. Were all you bluebloods raised by nannies?
What were your parents doing?
I don't really know. I have no idea.
Knock-knock.
I got a surprise for you.
Children!
Well, if it isn't the "Von Sapp family."
I had a sailor suit just like that.
Parsley's over here now.
Fran, I can't go outside in this.
Somebody'll kick my butt.
Sweetheart, I'd kick your butt.
Excuse me.
I mean, who does she think she is,
criticizing my kids?
They're happy, normal kids.
Gracie, stop staring up at the sun.
Do you know, last night, I found Eduardo in bed with my sister?
Twenty years I've given that man.
Lupe, Lupe, Lupe.
We dealt with your problems last week.
Can I get a little support here?
Meanwhile, that Mueller's got those kids dressed
like Huey, Louie, and Dewey.
And she's got the nerve to want me to wear a uniform.
Like I'd be caught dead in one of those.
Oh, well...
On you guys, it looks great.
And I guess those hairy legs are a big hit in Europe too.
Francine, don't forget the cardinal rule...
Never come between a man and his nanny.
You won't win.
You're right. You're right.
I seen it happen a hundred times.
She's after your job.
It happened to me.
She flew in on her broomstick and just tried to take over.
Well, I wouldn't put up with it,
and I went straight to Mr. McKenzie and told him so.
But you don't work for the McKenzies.
Exactly.
Since I retired,
I travel the world visiting my children.
But I saved the best for last.
No, Nanny Mueller, please.
Do go on.
So Maxwell was always your favorite?
He was my chubby little cherub.
He used to run around the garden
without a stitch of clothing on.
Run! Run! Run!
Nanny Mueller...
Oh, you did.
He had the cutest bottom,
like two shiny little cling peaches.
Well, that's more than I've ever wanted to know about Dad.
I am so glad I stayed for dinner.
There's something positively delightful
about this evening.
I can't quite put my finger on it.
Where's Miss Fine?
Oh, that's it.
I'm sorry I'm late...
but it's hell finding white shoes in winter.
The hat was easy. Howard Johnson's.
Children, it's not polite to stare.
Miss Fine, you... You look like a...
Nanny.
Yes. That's it.
I just didn't put it together.
I don't want to disturb you. I just thought I'd take my dinner,
and eat it in the kitchen, where I belong.
Miss Fine, please, don't be so silly.
Come and join us. No, no.
The kitchen is where a proper nanny eats.
Maggie, shut your mouth.
We are not a Pez dispenser.
Nanny Mueller,
it's amazing what you've done with Miss Fine.
Oh, that's nothing.
I had a schnauzer once that gave me more trouble.
Nanny, are you comparing Miss Fine to a dog?
Not at all.
The schnauzer had a pedigree.
Don't mind me. I just need a little salt.
Just a pinch.
I'll leave the shaker...
on the table, with the family,
in the dining room.
Got a little... Mm.
Yes, Mr. Sheffield, sir?
Take off that uniform.
Ooh, Mr. Sheffield.
Why are you wearing this ridiculous get-up
and acting in this ridiculous way?
I'm just trying to be the proper nanny.
If I wanted a proper nanny,
I never would have hired you.
Thanks. You know what I mean.
You're unconventional.
You have no professional training.
And you look ludicrous in that uniform.
When do we get to the good part?
But despite the gaps in your résumé,
the children adore you.
You make them very happy.
You make us all very happy.
I try.
So does that mean my job's not in jeopardy?
No more than usual.
I'm gonna give that Lupe such azetz.
Oh, listen.
Nanny Mueller has turned this household upside-down.
What am I gonna do?
Well, this is just off the top of my head,
but why don't we run this up a flagpole?
Tell her to leave.
I can't just turn her out.
She raised me, for heaven's sakes.
I'd feel so guilty.
Oh, you wouldn't understand.
I wouldn't understand guilt?
My people invented it.
But we made up for it
with the Salk vaccine and Streisand.
Hmm. Well, I suppose you're right.
I should just tell her to go.
Unless...
Do you really think she's that bad?
Did you see The Hand That Rocks The Cradle?
She was the technical advisor.
What's that?
Niles.
Nanny Mueller.
Niles and Nanny Mueller!
Go, go, go!
A little custard pudding, Clara?
Why not?
We've earned it.
Nilesy, oh!
Oh, Clara.
I can't believe it.
Niles.
Now we know what they meant
by "the butler did it."
My Nanny Mueller having... Having...
Pudding.
And with Niles.
Yeah, well, she's a big girl.
I'm sure she's had plenty of pudding
with plenty of people.
No, please, I cannot think of her like that.
I know. It's like thinking about your parents having sex.
Thank God mine never did.
Niles, coffee.
Oh, thank you, sir.
I could use a cup.
Oh. Sorry.
Oh! Good morning, everyone.
Good morning. Niles.
Nanny Mueller. How did you sleep?
Like a little baby. Und
Quite well.
I think we all slept very well.
Actually, I didn't.
I kept hearing things that go bump in the night.
Thank you, Niles.
I'm famished.
The woman is insatiable.
I see you're back at table und
Maxwell.
You might vant a vord with her.
I think he wants a "vord" with you.
Mr. Sheffield.
Maxwell.
Yes. Well, ahem.
Nanny...
your visit has been wonderful, but like all good things...
Oh, yes, Maxwell, I've never been so happy.
Since the day that you fell in the duck pond.
I pull you out,
I breathe life back into your little limp body.
Oh...
Now, what do you want to tell me?
Oh. Uh...
Look at the time.
I've got a tennis game. Excuse me.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield.
You forgot your balls.
Ahem.
Miss Fine.
That's Nanny Fine.
That is a title that must be earned.
All right, maybe I haven't been a nanny as long as you,
but in case you haven't noticed, Mr. Sheffield is all grown up.
He doesn't need a nanny anymore.
I'm the nanny here now. These are my kids.
And, well, it's time for you to go.
You might think they're your kids,
but they're not.
You'll find out...
if you last as long as I have.
Kids grow up, go on their way, and you go on to another family.
And you love them too,
because you can't help it.
And on and on and...
Till one day,
you find yourself with a lifetime of love to give,
und
Oh, Nanny Mueller.
Nanny?
Nanny Mueller.
Maxwell?
Clara, as you can see, I'm all grown up now.
My children have a nanny,
and I think it's time for you to go.
Don't you dare talk to your nanny like that!
What? Apologize.
But... But... You heard me. Apologize! Sir.
Uh, I'm...
I'm sorry, nanny.
I forgive you, Maxwell.
Nanny knows you've been under a lot of strain.
Yes.
Yes. A lot of strain.
I... That's it. I've been under a lot of strain.
Kids.
We nannies have got to stick together.
We're like sisters.
Then...
I can stay?
Oh!
Not on your life.
Goodbye, children.
Oh, take good care of your father.
Okay.
Okay!
Maxwell.
Goodbye, nanny.
Oh. Oh...
Goodbye, Niles.
It's been a pleasure having you.
Children, see if you can find Miss Fine, will you?
Here I am, here I am.
You think I'd let her go without saying goodbye?
What've you done to your uniform?
You like?
I love! Wunderbar!
You make one for me in my size. Six.
Okay, 12.
All your bags are in the car, Nanny Mueller.
We'll just swing 'round and pick up mother,
and then the two of you will be off.
Oh, I'm so excited.
I always wanted to see Japan.
And I have you to thank for that, Miss...
Nanny Fine.
Aw. Well, you just have a good time,
and watch out for those gigolos.
Or maybe they should watch out for you.
Oh!
I take good care of my little C.C.'s mummy.
I love you, Nanny Mueller.
Oh, come now.
Come on, sweetheart.
Get up. Get up. Up!
Auf Wiedersehen!
Bye, Nanny.
Bye. Bye.
Bye, Nanny Mueller.
Wonderful idea of yours,
putting Nanny Mueller together with C.C.'s mother.
Look, I want Nanny Mueller to have a life,
just not mine.
Let me just get out of this uniform.
Oh, no rush.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield...