Niles, this steak is a little tough.
So is life...
and then you die.
Okay, what do you think?
This one itches, but I look taller.
This one pinches, but I look thinner.
Have you ever considered
choosing a wardrobe based on comfort?
No.
Once you start dressing for comfort,
the next thing you know, you're on line at Pathmark,
wearing orthopedic shoes, buying Nair.
It is just a P.T.A. meeting.
Yeah, well, meanwhile some of those P's and T's
could be lonely he's.
You've certainly got the A for it.
Meanwhile, I don't want to embarrass Gracie.
You could never embarrass me.
Oh...
Except that time at the playground
you screamed at Bobby Mitchell for hogging a swing.
Well, it was my turn.
What do you think, Mags?
Go with the black.
Smaller price tags are easier to hide,
and you can still return it.
Very good!
At this age, they're like a sponge.
She's got almost as much personality.
Oh, look.
The P.T.A. is planning their big pageant.
Isn't that right up your alley?
I produce plays for a living.
Why on earth would I want to do that in my spare time?
Well, because Grace is going to be in it.
She is?
I am?
You are.
Come on. It'll be fun.
You'll get to play with all the other children,
wear makeup, costumes...
Besides, it's a great way to get guys.
What do I do with them when I get them?
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Grace performing in public?
Yeah, what's the matter?
Well, for one thing,
she's in therapy twice a week
for being insecure and introverted.
So is Barbra Streisand,
but meanwhile, she's getting a thousand bucks a ticket,
and that's without a beverage.
Liza, we got prime rib.
Oh, I'm just wild about this school.
Wasn't it sweet
the way they hung all the arts and crafts
out in the hall?
I tell you, that Pablo is a very talented kid.
Miss Fine, that was a Picasso.
An adult did those?
Eh.
Oh, don't look now,
but we are making quite a stir.
Guess I wore the right outfit.
Miss Fine, they're looking at me.
They think just because I'm a Broadway producer
and I'm at this meeting,
they're gonna rope me into staging the pageant.
Uh-oh. Here it comes.
Oh, boy.
I love your outfit. Everybody's talking about it.
Oh, thank you.
Mr. Sheffield, what a surprise.
I know how busy you are.
Night and day, like a dog,
but never too busy for his kids.
And you are?
This is our nanny, Miss Fran Fine.
This is Miss Emma Trusdale,
Lexington's headmistress.
Oh, head mistress, huh?
Honey, you're living in a dream world.
No matter what they say,
they never leave their wives.
We're about to begin, Mr. Sheffield.
Why don't you just have a seat here
on the front row next to me?
Hmm. Teacher's pet, huh?
Attention, everyone.
In a wonderful coincidence,
we are here to discuss this year's school pageant,
and we have amongst us
the esteemed Broadway producer
Maxwell Sheffield.
I'm your greatest fan.
That shade of lipstick looks great on your butt.
Miss Fine, would you care to share that with everyone?
No, Miss Trusdale.
And now to the business at hand.
We need a volunteer
to serve as director for this year's pageant,
Mother Goose's Broadway.
Here it comes.
Well, it wouldn't hurt you to get involved.
Perhaps Mr. Sheffield can?
Suggest someone?
Oh, yes, I'd be delighted to.
I'd like to suggest Miss Fran Fine.
Oh, me?
Her?
I don't know anything about theater.
Remarkably,
that's never stopped you from doing anything.
Well, I did play Hodel
in the third-grade production of Fiddler.
No, no, if Mr. Sheffield is busy,
I'm sure one of the other parents
is eager to volunteer for this exciting challenge.
TheFlushing Observer "Fran Fine was a standout
as Tevye's lost but heavily made-up daughter."
Anyone at all, just raise your hand.
The time to raise your hand would be now.
How about you, Miss Fine?
Oh, Miss Trusdale, I accept,
and I just want to thank you all
for your confidence in me.
I only hope I can live up to your expec...
Moving on!
Tations.
Hey, hey, hey.
No running.
You can poke somebody's eye out.
I just gave my first piece of direction.
Hmm. And I was there.
Mommy, I'm hungry.
You ate yesterday!
Fat girls don't get leads.
Good God!
I just had a horrible flashback
to thoseAnnie 2 auditions.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh.
Back!
Back.
Keep moving, Maxwell.
They're small, but they're dangerous when they swarm.
Okay, everybody.
I want my dancing daisies over here,
my singing mushrooms over there.
Daisies, mushrooms.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You, you, you.
You're not a flower. You're a fungus.
Miss Fine, where's the sign-up sheet?
The what?
Well, you really ought to have a sign-up sheet.
Oh, it isn't necessary. This is just a kids' play.
What do we do with our music?
Oh, give it to the accompanist.
You do have an accompanist.
Oh, yes, yes. Of course we do.
Uh, Maggie,
get off the phone and go sit at the piano. Okay.
Hey, big guy.
Excuse me?
I hear you're close to the director.
Fran? Oh, she works for us.
Gee, I'd do anything to play the lead,
and I do mean anything.
Does your mother know you're saying this?
Oh, yeah. She wrote it down for me. See?
And now I'm supposed to kiss you!
Sing, Bernard.
Sing, Bernard!
Sing!
That's okay, Bernard.
That's okay. We'll make you a mushroom.
Shiitake.
Okay, next we're going to audition
for the first-grade number.
Now, this scene opens up the whole pageant.
Gracie, you're on.
Sing it, Gracie!
One more time.
Oh, wonderful, wonderful, my darling!
Wasn't she wonderful?
Mm!
We're next.
Oh.
Come on, dear.
Now stand right here, sweetheart. Smile.
All right, and one and two and three...
Tempo!
Thank you.
Thank you!
Thank you. That was very nice.
Sit down, honey.
Well, I don't even think there's a question, do you?
It's Gracie by a mile!
Miss Fine, how could you possibly make that choice?
This other girl was phenomenal!
What do I care about that little girl? Am I her nanny?
No, you're the director. You're supposed to cast actors
according to talent, not on who they know.
What show business are you working in?
Besides, look at Gracie.
She's already so confident and outgoing.
Have you ever seen her so happy?
Daddy, I got the part!
They like me. They really like me.
Aw.
I suppose it was the right choice.
I'll work with her.
Sure.
And touch and step and touch and step...
And turn, turn, turn,
cross, and squat.
Very, very good.
Now, help Miss Fine up.
Oy!
Thank you.
Meanwhile, these pantyhose have a life of their own.
Mr. Sheffield, you've decided to help after
Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm not here to direct the show.
I'm just here to support my little girl. Oh.
Oh, hi, Mr. Sheffield. Hi, Daddy!
Hello. How's it going?
Oh, fabulous. The kids are having a great time.
Stanley, stop biting my leg.
What did you think of the number?
Well, why, uh...
Why are they all wearing paper bags on their heads?
They're mushroom caps.
Ah.
Who did the wardrobe, A&P?
Maybe.
I had a choice of paper or plastic,
but you know, they tend to discourage
plastic bags on kids' heads.
Well, I suppose it'll all come together
once the set's up.
The set is up.
Hmm.
You know,
not to discourage your input here,
but, uh, well,
I kind of have a vision going.
Perhaps Mr. Sheffield could just fine-tune the costumes.
And the scenery.
And the lights.
Maybe tell the actors where to stand.
And how to deliver their lines.
I'm not an expert on theatrical terminology,
but, uh...
Wouldn't that be considered directing?
All right, if you insist.
Gracie, honey, Daddy's going to direct.
Yoo-hoo, aren't you forgetting just one thing?
Oh, all right, I'll do the choreography too.
Well, what about Fran?
Yeah. What about Fran?
You could be the producer.
That's right. Congratulations!
Yes, congratulations.
Now, Miss Trusdale,
I see a follow spot and a low French horn.
Yes! Just wailing out...
Shouldn't the producer be in on this?
We'll do lunch.
Thank you!
Andrea, love, you're not blending in.
You're upstaging everyone.
My mother says my voice is a gift.
Well, return it.
Uh, second... second flower,
Where are you going? Get back in line.
She has to make.
She has to make what?
A doody.
Very well. Carry on.
Grace.
Sweetheart, you're not relating to your lamb.
You see, you have to listen to the lyrics.
The lamb follows you everywhere you go.
You're very attached to it.
I don't get it.
The lamb's co-dependent.
Oh.
All right. Once more from the top.
This time just Grace.
We're forgetting everything!
All right. We'll work on it later.
Go on. Take five. Not you, Grace.
You better work on your time step.
Oh, these amateurs.
Where are the great child actors when you need them?
Robbing 7-Elevens.
Careful, Gracie.
Wouldn't want to fall off the stage.
Andrea, got a cookie.
Fetch.
It was more fun when you were directing.
I know. Can I get you anything?
Juice... and to beep my therapist.
Oh.
Oh, she's been tapping for hours.
I'll tell you, it's a crime.
I'll say. I just waxed the floor.
She's like the Energizer rabbit.
She just keeps going and going.
The vacuum cleaner is destroyed.
Hoover doesn't make a gummi bear attachment.
Nothing that she does is good enough.
What is the matter with that man?
Doesn't he believe in nepotism?
I mean, where would Lorna Luft be today?
Did you ever try to get Bazooka out of brocade?
Wait a minute. What's that?
I believe it's Morse code.
S... O... S.
She needs my help. I gotta talk to Mr. Sheffield.
I don't know what you're doing.
An ice cube will lift that gum right up.
Hmm.
Of course I've always wanted to direct as well,
and I find the children's theater genre
absolutely fascinating.
How do you spell genre?
Mr. Sheffield, can I have a word with you, please?
Well, I'm in the middle of an interview, Miss Fine.
Oh. Take your time.
Could you give us a minute, please?
Okay, but don't keep me waiting.
I'm also the reviewer.
Make sure on show night
we have plenty of cookies backstage for the press.
Mr. Sheffield,
aren't you taking this a little too seriously?
Absolutely not.
Excuse me, sir. Andrew Lloyd Webber phoned.
You have the Phantom orchestra.
Yes!
Well, you're the one who wanted me to get involved.
Yes, I know,
but you're working these kids entirely too hard,
especially Gracie.
Oh, my father pushed me,
and look where I am today.
Three thousand miles and an ocean away.
I'm telling you,
you're turning her into a regular Lennie Scheinbaum.
Miss Fine, please spare me.
All right.
Okay, who's Lennie Scheinbaum?
His father made him so nervous
about taking over the family business
that he started pulling his hair out of his head
and was bald by the time he was 15.
Although he did become C.E.O.
for the largest linoleum chain in the tri-state area.
Did I mention he was interested in me?
See, I knew I shouldn't have asked.
I'm giving you pearls here.
I'm telling you, if you don't stop pushing her,
Gracie's gonna grow up to resent her father.
Nonsense.
Oh, that's what Lennie's father thought
until Lennie shipped him off
to the Lincoln Tunnel retirement home...
Jersey view.
Well, unlike the ingrate Scheinbaum,
Grace appreciates that I just want her to be the best.
You know, this was supposed to be a fun experience,
but instead she's upstairs tapping her brains out
like some kind of a deranged Ann Miller.
That's redundant.
Miss Fine, you're overreacting.
I suppose this doesn't have anything to do
with my replacing you as director.
Oh, well,
if that isn't the most insulting, petty thing
I ever heard.
Besides, I wasn't replaced.
I was promoted to producer.
Sucker.
Mr. Sheffield, can the producer fire the director?
Yes.
Oh?
As easily as a father can fire the nanny.
Oh.
Are you the usher?
No. I'm the producer.
Let me see your tickets.
Lady...
will you wipe my nose?
No.
Don't you have any parents?
Yeah, but they're busy.
J.B. Binghamton, the investment banker,
is your father? Yes.
Blow.
I can't believe Dad made us come.
This is gonna be so lame.
Children, this is your sister's big night.
I think we should all support her.
I brought cards. I'll deal.
Miss Fine? Uh, we, uh, we have a bit of a crisis.
Grace is refusing to go on.
I... I think it's stage fright.
Oh, well, I wonder why.
You've made the stage such a warm and loving place.
I need your help.
You need to speak with her.
Me, talk to the actors?
Why, isn't that the director's job?
What? Well, what?
You want me to admit I was wrong?
Oh, you think I'm that small?
Turns out I am.
Fine. I was wrong.
I'll hang myself later.
Look, all I wanted was for Grace
to go out on that stage and have everyone love her.
Honey, she doesn't care if everyone loves her.
All she cares is if you love her.
I'm turning into Lennie Scheinbaum's father.
Worse. My own.
I swore I'd never be like him.
Oh, that's all right, Mr. Sheffield.
I myself have to fight the urge
to wash out gefilte fish jars and use them as glasses.
Hmm.
She's in here.
Um, Gracie, honey.
Aw.
I can't work with that man.
Oh.
Grace, sweetheart,
I'm... I'm sorry I was such an ogre.
I didn't mean to push you so hard.
Look...
you're more important to me
than any silly play.
I'm so proud of you whether you go on or not.
Thank you, Daddy.
Because I really don't wanna go on.
Are you insane?
The house is full.
We've got a critic out there.
The whole show rests on your shoulders.
Paging Mr. Scheinbaum.
Sorry.
Wrong again.
Oh, sweetheart, it's just that
you've worked so hard at this show,
and I really think you could be brilliant.
I'm sorry, Daddy. I just can't.
Miss Fine?
Yeah.
The one time I'd like you to butt in.
Hey, I'm with her. Who needs it?
All those people looking at you,
all the lights in your eye...
Oh, the whole thing's a turn-off.
Thank you, Miss Fine.
You know what, honey?
Don't worry. The show will go on.
Andrea knows all of your lines.
She will take your place.
Over my dead body.
Hold the curtain!
Makeup!
That's why they call me the producer.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Lexington Academy's annual pageant,
a Maxwell Sheffield production.
Oh, yay!
My God, she has got something, hasn't she?
Yeah. Guts.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, the reviews are in.
Oh, let me see. What do they say?
Well, they loved Gracie.
and they said the programs
were neatly folded... That was me.
Y-yeah, what did they say about the production?
Oh, "not sinceHudson Hawk has there been such a...
overproduced,
underdirected piece of dreck."
Hack.
Oh, that's all right, Mr. Sheffield.
Next year you could fold the programs.