Niles!
Uh-oh. Daddy just found out
we don't have any water.
Damn blasted, bloody pipes.
I'm selling the house. We're moving back to England.
And he's taking it very well.
And I suppose there's no tea.
Here.
Suck on this...
Sir.
Oh, Daddy. I'm disgusting.
I can't go out in public like this.
It's never stopped you before.
Good morning, everyone.
Miss Fine, do you have water in your bathroom?
No.
Then how could you possibly look like that?
Believe me, it wasn't easy.
I went through my entire supply
of moist towelettes.
And I laughed at my mother. Ha, ha!
Niles, did you call a plumber?
I beeped him, sir,
but his yacht has gone into international waters.
Well, did you look for someone else?
No.
I've been leafing through the yellow pages
for origami supplies.
Oh, if you need a plumber, I got a second cousin...
I'd rather wait for rain.
Are you still holding a grudge
because of my Uncle Aaron, the electrician?
Why should I?
My eyebrows have almost grown back.
Hey, a lot of women will pay good money
for that effect.
It's difficult to get someone on the weekend, sir.
Well...
Miss Fine, this is an old house with very delicate pipes.
Hey, my Aunt Ida would let any guy in a white coat
remove her gallstones,
but only Irving could touch her toilets.
Against every fiber of my body,
contrary to every belief I hold dear,
you can hire your cousin.
But if anything goes wrong...
Oh, would you trust me? Irving is a legend!
Believe me, before he set up shop,
they didn't call it "Flushing".
Dad, why can't I go? It's just a party.
Give me one good reason.
I'll give you 16.
Eight boys
and their grubby little hands.
That's not fair!
Shh! This is a very important call.
Pasquali, can you do a pedicure at 4:00?
Margaret, case closed.
Fine. I won't have a life.
I'll end up old and alone, like Fran!
Hi!
Have you seen my Poly-Grip?
Fran, you've got to help me.
Huh? Sorry.
I think I lost my Miracle Ear.
Miss Fine, please.
I am trying to schedule my beauty appointment.
Well, I hope it's not a toll call.
Now, what is all this yelling about?
You're making me homesick.
It's a party at Kimberly's,
and everybody's going but me.
Just look at this guest list I found by the telephone.
So? I know most of these kids. What's the problem?
Well, they're all paired off.
Boys and girls, two by two.
It's like Noah's ark.
Ah, your first make-out party!
Who'd you get?
She's not getting anyone, and no one is getting her.
Did I say make out? I meant makeup.
Makeover! Avon. Mary Kay.
Maybe they'll have Tupperware there.
No kissing. Just... pfft... burping.
Are you done?
Well, unless you've got something to add.
Well, I do. Maggie, you're too young.
You're not going.
I can't believe you. You never let me go anywhere.
Not true. Go to your room.
What's the matter? All the convents are full?
Miss Fine, she's too young for a kissing party.
She's only 14 years old.
She's gonna be 15.
Oh, well, you get an A in math.
I'm not letting her go to some Park Avenue apartment
crawling with a bunch of lecherous young men.
Mm. You wouldn't happen to have the address,
would you?
More pictures and résumés
of showgirls, sir.
Well, the audition's this afternoon.
These should have been here hours ago.
They were.
I'd pay particular attention
to Gigi, Lulu,
and the one on the unicycle.
How on earth does she keep from falling forward?
And even if she did, she'd bounce right back.
Oh, no, no, no.
These girls won't do.
Look at that one!
Big hair, tight pants, red lips.
Hmm. Tramp!
Well, you're right, C.C.
They're all tall, leggy, and buxom.
And we specifically ordered short, dumpy showgirls.
Oh, that reminds me of my Aunt Rosalind.
All she ever wanted to do was to be a Rockette.
She made the height requirement.
It was the width that was the problem.
I can't get enough
of these stories of your relatives.
Tell me again about the one
which ends with the plumbing getting fixed.
I'd like to shower and shave before these auditions.
You are a bit scruffy...
common... brutish.
Need a moist towelette?
Koenig's Speedy Plumbing. Sorry we're late.
Who are you?
I'm Tiffany, your second cousin, twice-removed.
Oh, no way!
My cousin Tiffany is still in Pampers.
Good news. I'm potty-trained!
Which is more than I can say for him.
Oh, Irving?
Fran.
You got old.
Yeah, well, I was a lot younger when I called you.
You were supposed to be here at 9:30.
We were.
It's a long way from the curb.
Yeah, well, don't lose your momentum.
The kitchen's down that way.
Keep moving.
Hey, don't touch anything.
You break it, you bought it.
So, this is nice.
Your grandfather is babysitting you?
Vice versa.
When we let him out alone,
he keeps driving until he runs out of gas
and someone calls the number on the side of van.
Oh. Does that happen often?
Who knows? It's not our number.
He wrecked our van.
No, you may not look through the keyhole
when your father is auditioning showgirls.
Well, why not?
That's where I'll be.
Brighton, come here. I want you to meet Tiffany.
Hi. Hi.
Magic.
Well, why don't you two kids go up and play?
Mets fan? Yankees.
Giants? Jets.
Geek. Dork.
Play nice!
Whoa... this is some big house.
I hope he doesn't charge by the hour.
Right.
Uh-oh.
What's with the "uh-oh"?
I don't like to hear plumbers or hairdressers say uh-oh.
Forgot my wrench.
What were you doing down there so long without your tools?
That's my business.
Can I get you anything?
Juice? Soda?
Digitalis?
Oh, Niles, Mr. Sheffield is gonna kill me.
Why do I have this compulsion
to hire my relatives?
It's a sickness.
I know. I should seek help.
Well, I'll call my Uncle Stanley.
He's a shrink.
You have no idea what you're talking about.
Yeah, you think just because I'm not rich
and go to some fancy private school
I don't know anything?
I'm telling you, there were two Darrens.
You're crazy.
No. She's absolutely right.
The first Darren died.
The second Darren just came out of the closet.
Go live with a witch.
Pay up. Dream on.
Hey, watch it, Richie Rich.
You welsh on me,
it's the last thing you'll ever do.
So sue me.
It could happen.
Uncle Sidney. Uncle Sidney.
I don't believe this.
Even the troll has a social life.
I know.
Daddy can be such a pain.
I know.
It's just a party.
I know!
Say, I know a lot.
I should get a raise.
Honey, try to be
more understanding of your father.
He just wants to protect you.
Yeah, well, he's impossible. He never lets me go anywhere.
I remember my mother didn't let me go
to Amy Semel's Sweet 16 at the bowling alley.
She had this thing
about wearing other people's shoes.
She thought I would get polio,
or was it planter's warts?
Anyway, it was something with a P.
And what does that have to do with me?
Give me a minute.
Oh, yeah.
You know, sometimes your parents sound like they're crazy,
but when you really think about it...
they are.
Oy... I'll go talk to your father.
Hey!
Well, the drain's clear.
Wow!
How do you do?
Brighton Sheffield, producer's son.
Hi, Brighton.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
A halter top.
Hello.
Hello. Hi.
Hello.
Look, Fran. Giant Barbie dolls.
Will you play with me?
Oh. No, honey. These toys are for boys.
I have a four-octave range,
and I studied acting with Stella Adler.
Very impressive.
I can also stand on my hands and do a full split.
You've got the part!
Oh, thank you, Mr. Sheffield!
I can't wait to work for you!
Oh, God, I want your job.
Thank you, Gigi.
We'll call you.
Oh, watch it.
You could poke someone's eye out with those.
Well, look at the two of you,
like a couple of cats
outside a fish store.
I would have thought
you were more sophisticated than that.
No, not really. No, not really.
Oh, Miss Fine,
it's nothing to be ashamed of.
The human body is a beautiful thing.
Uh-huh.
Well, I could have had that body too,
had I cashed in my Israeli bonds.
Well, don't look at me.
I wanted to do 12 Angry Men.
Mm, but they didn't want to do you.
Excuse me. I'll think I'll see
what needs dusting in the living room.
Miss Fine, did you want something?
I want to talk to you about Maggie.
The answer is no.
But it's just a party!
Amazingly enough,
that cogent argument still hasn't convinced me.
Well, give me a second,
and I'll think of something else.
No. Absolutely not. I forbid it.
Well, can I think it's a definite maybe?
I'll take care of my family.
You take care of yours.
Now, go tell your Uncle Irving to hurry it up,
or you'll be finished before he is.
You want it fast, or do you want it good?
I want it all!
You know, this grungy look is very cute on you.
Go. Now.
Niles, bring me an Aspirin.
Sorry, sir. I've got my hands full.
Huh?
Where's Irving?
The last time I saw him,
he was bounding up the stairs.
If you leave now,
you can probably catch him at the landing.
Oh. Pardon me. Excuse me.
Irving?
Irving, are you in here?
Oh.
Oh, my God!
How about a little privacy here?
Tiffany, I told you not to touch anything.
You also said to play nice.
What were you kids thinking,
making out in there?
A minute ago, you were at each other's throats.
now you're just at each other?
What happened?
Well, she hit me, then I pushed her.
One thing led to another.
You know how it is.
The kid's cute, so I kissed him.
Go ahead, tell me
you haven't had the same thoughts
about his old man.
Just mind your own B-I-business.
Fran, it was no big deal.
Maybe not to you,
but you're gonna get me fired.
Your father has this big thing about his kids kissing.
I don't know why. They're very good at it.
Hey, what can I say?
Hey!
What are you doing?
You guys need to be hosed down. If only we had water.
You, go to your room.
Not you.
You want to get somebody hot,
go light a fire under your grandfather's butt.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield's gonna kill me.
He's gonna find some way to make it my fault,
just because the plumber is my cousin,
and he brought her,
and I sent them up to play together.
The twisted pathways of his mind.
What am I gonna do?
He nearly had a conniption
when Maggie kissed that boy Eddie,
and Brighton's three years younger.
Oh, I'll be canned for sure.
Miss Fine, you spend so much time up this creek,
I should think, by now, you'd have bought a paddle.
Niles, if you're not part of the solution,
you're part of the problem.
Well, perhaps Master Brighton will keep his mouth shut.
If he could do that,
I wouldn't be in this mess
in the first place.
Fran, guess what!
What? What?
Brighton kissed Tiffany in the shower!
Thank you, Hedda Hopper.
Any more bright ideas?
Well, perhaps you have a cousin
who works for unemployment?
Miss Fine!
Oh, I can explain.
You know, it's true.
I did send them up to play with each other,
but who knew they'd take it literally?
What are you talking about?
You first.
There's still no water.
Oh, you're mad about the water.
Did you hear that, Niles? He's mad about the water.
Miss Fine, this is hardly cause for celebration.
I'm about to fire your cousin.
Ah, fire away.
Listen, a man's got to do what a man's got to do.
He's mad about the water.
Uh, you're taking this awfully well.
She thought she was in trouble about Brighton.
Oops.
What about Brighton?
Got to go. Got a play date. Bye.
Me too.
Freeze.
Uh, Mr. Sheffield,
as per your request
to expedite the plumbing situation,
I went upstairs to find Cousin Irving,
and, um, well,
I found Brighton in the shower.
He had water?
He had Tiffany.
What?
I know you have this thing about your kids kissing,
but before you get all bent out of...
Brighton was kissing your cousin?
She's just a distant cousin. Very distant.
In fact, she's more like a close neighbor.
Not even close. There was a fence.
So Brighton snagged his first kiss, huh?
And only 11 years old.
Well, you sound proud of that.
Well, he beat his old man by two years.
Well, wait a minute. When Maggie was over the...
Now would be a good time to stop talking.
Oh. Yeah.
You know, you never think of that as an option.
Irving.
What's the matter, your watch stopped?
No, the date changed.
Will you be through with this
before the battery wears out?
This bathroom's ready to go.
Oh, thank God.
So we can take a shower?
If it's you and me you're talking about,
it's extra.
Fran, did you hear that Brighton
was kissing Tiffany in the shower?
What is this, a slow news day?
It stinks!
I'm not allowed to go to a stupid party,
but Daddy wants to throw Brighton a parade?
I know. It's so unfair.
Oh. Is this yours?
No, it's Gracie's.
Fran, what are we gonna do about it?
Honey, I told you, I'm working on him,
but you know, men can't be rushed.
They're like chickens...
You cook them too fast, they get tough,
whereas if you take your time with them,
let them simmer,
then they fall apart in your hand.
But the party's tonight.
Oh.
Well, kiss it off.
Fran!
Honey, I've been skating on thin ice
with your father all day.
Please don't push me through.
Aren't you the one who's always telling me
that men and women should be treated equally?
Well, that sounds like me.
Except men should still open the doors
and pick up the check.
Yeah. That's definitely me.
Okay. Here. Here. Here.
I'll go poke the chicken.
Mr. Sheffield?
Mr. Sheffield.
I told you kids...
Oh, Mr. Sheffield!
Oh, you're wearing the new soap-on-a-rope
I got you for Christmas!
What? What is it?
I just... and he was...
And I saw!
Miss Fine, you're hysterical.
Now, don't make me slap you.
I just saw Mr. Sheffield naked. It was horrible.
I keep telling him to get to the gym.
I'm serious.
It's like seeing your father naked.
My mother should be so lucky.
Would you like a cigarette, Miss Fine?
Oh, he can't eve stand to be seen without a tie.
Oh, this is gonna put him right over the edge.
You know, when I first started in service,
I walked in on the Queen Mum.
In the shower?
On the throne.
He's not strong enough to handle this.
I don't care
how many bulging muscles he's got.
Well, just promise me one thing.
What?
Let me tell Miss Babcock.
Oh...
There you go.
Now, do I get some guarantee with that?
Yeah. I guarantee I'll be back.
Gramps, let's get a start on those stairs.
I want to make it home beforeLetterman.
You're leaving me, just like that?
Don't cling. You're suffocating me.
We just met.
It was nice while it lasted, but it's over.
Let's not drag this out.
Dad, I'm no expert on this, but... Was I just dumped?
Yes, son.
Welcome to the battle of the sexes,
where they sneak up on you when you're most vulnerable,
Utterly humiliate you,
then leave you trembling, exposed, and naked.
Yeah, okay, but...
Dumped or not, did I get to first base?
Well... yes.
All right!
Mr. Sheffield!
Ah. Um...
Was there a paper this morning?
Yeah. You read it at breakfast.
Oh. Yes.
Mr. Sheffield, I have to see you a sec.
Oh, I think you've seen quite enough.
Mr. Sheffield, it's important.
All right, but please, I beg of you,
just get to the point.
No more long stories about your high school,
family, pets.
Okay, okay, I'll just stick to the bare facts.
I'm sorry.
I mean, it's no big thing.
Oy!
This isn't going well.
Let me just cut to the chase.
Yeah. That's okay.
I'm sorry I walked in on you,
but you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Didn't you say the human body is a beautiful thing?
Oh, now, Miss Fine, you can't go comparing
me looking at these girls for an audition
with you walking in on me in the shower.
It's entirely different.
Yeah. I'm not selling tickets.
Although plenty of women would pay through the nose.
Miss Fine!
I'm just kidding.
I didn't see anything, except for your double standard.
My double what?
Your double standard.
You have one set of rules for boys
and then a whole repressed-Rapunzel thing
happening for the girls.
Are we back on this blasted party?
Look, all I'm saying is that you need to trust Maggie
as much as Brighton,
and knowing Brighton, even more so.
I trust Maggie.
It's the boys I don't trust.
Well, Maggie has to learn to handle 14-year-old boys,
so when she grows up,
she can know how to handle full-grown men,
Who, when you think about it, are a lot like 14-year-old boys.
You have a very good point.
How annoying.
All right, she can go to the party,
but she has to be back by 10:00.
10:00?
A good time to have a good time, but not too good a time.
Fine. Thank you, thank you. Now, back to work.
Mr. Sheffield, are you ever gonna look me in the eye again?
I am looking you in the eye.
Mm-hmm.
Look, Miss Fine, surely you can understand
this whole episode has been a little embarrassing for me.
Oh, don't be silly. It all happened so fast.
I didn't see anything.
Good.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about...
Believe me.
You know, men can't be rushed. They're like chickens...
You cook them too fast, they get...
But men can't be rushed. They're like chickens...
you cook them too fast, and they get tough.
Whereas, if you let them simmer...
Honey, I told you, I'm working on it.
One more time, I got it.