Jesus H Christ, it looks like you're infested too
Wayne Newton. Sorry little buddy. Bubbles: You're
gonna have to just hang in there until I can get back
with the proper crab shampoo.
[Sound of a click as a barbecue lighter is lit]
You dirty little pinchy bastards.
Crabs are the dirtiest little crustaceous
fuckin' cock inhabitants on the face of
the planet and there's no way I'm letting them get on my bird.
They latch right on to your package with their dirty
little pinchy cock claws. They start fuckin' hatching
eggs, it's terrifying! Well I went online
and I calculated I need about twenty-two bottles of crab
shampoo to get rid of the infestation on my kitties,
twenty-two fucking bottles! Do you know how embarrassing
that's going to be to us for twenty-two bottles of crab
shampoo? I'll tell ya, VERY EMBARRASSING!!!!
Can I help you sir?
Yeah I notice you don't have the
medicated shampoo on the shelves?
Dandruff shampoo's in aisle seven sir.
Oh it's not for dandruff.
Lice?
No it's more down ...this region.
Just a moment sir.
[Over loud speaker] Tweece would you call please I have
a customer with crabs and needs some "Crab Out".
Would you like the big bottle or the little sir?
Um twenty-two of the... NEVERMIND!
♪♪
Hey it smells like you fumigated the place Julie.
Yeah I did this morning so hopefully if all goes
well I'll be reopened by the weekend.
That's the spirit Julian. I knew a bunch of pesky little
dirty old crabs couldn't defeat the mighty Julian.
So what's going on?
Well I thought I should swing by
and let you know that Sam and Cyrus
dropped my place and gave me twenty-two hundred
dollars on the downpayment only one percent.
And you accepted it?
Yeah, I had to Julian they threatened me!
I guess they want to be my friend more than you?
They don't give a fuck about you.
I wish we were friends, Julian.
We are! I don't have twenty-two hundred bucks.
(Chuckling) It's just money Julian.
(Quietly) It's just money.
I'm a surprise kind of guy.
I like personal gifts.
Use your imagination, Julian. I think a guy like you
could think of something special that would appeal to
old Jim Lahey. something more say twenty-two hundred
bucks. I hope to see you later tonight bud.
[Crashes]
Fuck sakes.
I'll let myself out.
[Sounds of glasses being broken]
Ricky: Come on guys we're not going
to win any fucking games like this. You gotta pass it
harder, a little bit faster.
Lucy: Trin, let's go.
Trinity: What's wrong?
What kind of Father lets his daughter be around
a crab infestation? You might think that it's okay
to bang whoever you want to and not
give a shit about what you pick up but it's disgusting.
I had nothing to do with those crabs that was
Julian's thing and I wasn't around any of those fucking
people. Here if you don't believe me check me out, see
any crabs down there?
So you're not banging anybody?
There's actually only one person in this world that I want to
bang but unfortunately she's being banged by
somebody else. How is mall cock?
George works night and he works day and I'm left
basically to entertain myself.
Hmm that sounds like fun.
Darren, [whistle] what the hell are you guys doing, okay?
You don't do it you gotta try to tie up his jersey
with one hand like this, hit him in the face a couple of
times, okay? After that try to pull a jersey right
up over his head and feed him right in the FUCKING head
with upper cuts. You don't take him to the ground
that's what pussies do. Try it again.
Okay George is working later so maybe I'll pop by.
Are you serious? Yeah maybe.
Trinity: I'm going to stay for a bit, okay?
Lucy: Right. See you later. Ricky: I hope so.
They almost done in there?
Photographer: 'Kay, ready?
Action! Come on down to Sunnyvale
Trailer Park to the "Dirty Dancer" where the rock
vodka's on tap and you can have these girls twerking on
your lap, twenty-five dollar combo and all dancers are
crab free guaranteed.
Photographer: Okay CUT!
Um, T that was good but you guys it's an Internet commercial
so I need you to like get your boobs out and make out
or something. Here I'll show you.
Julian: T... when do you think you
can get this commercial online man? We gotta fuckin' open.
We can get it as soon as you want man but
Mister Green just picked another crab off himself.
Are you fucking kidding me. Ah all right, we're
not open inside obviously for FUCK SAKES!!!
T: Yo, you all right man? Julian: Yeah I just got...I
need help with somethin' but yeah I'll... I'll figure it
out, just keep doing what you're doing
it's looking good man, all right?
Okay that is much better you guys. Okay, Tyrone, get right in there.
You guys, get up on Tyrone. Tyrone, get right under.
Don't be shy. Perfect.
Try it again from the top.
[Electric buzzing sound] Lahey: Randy I'm coming in.
You were shaving your ball sack, weren't ya? Jim Lahey:
You caught crabs at Julian the other night, didn't you Randy?
RANDY!!! Stop acting like a pig!
[Belches several times] You want the truth?
Yeah, I think I deserve it.
I told ya I've got needs and
you haven't been able to fulfill them... Randy...
...so I got really drunk and really horny
and I had sex with a woman.
Was it really dirty and did I enjoy myself? Yes!
Do I feel like shit right now? Yes.
Am I going to get friggin' drunk? BIG TIME!!!!
[Door Slams]
[Sounds of Liquor Being Drunk]
Trinity: Do you hate Jacob, Dad? Ricky: No I don't hate him
I mean... first I didn't really know what to think 'cuz well he's kinda
fuckin' weird and he's got a brain like Trevor's and I was
just worried my little girl's going to end up with a guy
that would never be a man. But then he went to jail and
he didn't cry and it made me kinda think like fuck, wow
maybe this guy could be a man so,
do you understand what I'm trying to say?
Yeah, thanks Dad. I love you.
I love you too pumpkin.
[Door opens]
Trinity: Hey Julian. Julian: Hey Trin.
Wow, this place is incredible man.
It's a good thing you're doing buddy.
Yeah it's going to be good for the kids and
help keep me busy during my retirement.
Yeah retirement.
Don't you miss all the crazy shit we used to do?
Of course I do.
Good 'cuz I need you to do a job with me
and the only person that can help me out.
I can't be doing jobs anymore.
I don't need to, 'm retired.
But this is an easy job!
All we gotta do is steal something worth around
two grand to chill Lahey out.
I'm sorry man but I can't
I'm going to be a fuckin' Grandad now.
Do you want your Grandchild to grow up in Sunnyvale?
Of course I fucking do.
Okay well if you don't help me out he's
not going to be able to, and you think about that man.
Okay fine, I'll fuckin' help you out
but one condition...
What?
Me and you are going to get high
as fuck all day like we used to.
Not a fuckin' problem.
All right, deal.
Got enough joints there buddy?
Gettin' there.
Julian: (inhaling) Holy shit this honey oil's insane man.
Ricky: (Slurring) No fuckin'
kidding it's like pure THC liquid from the fuckin' heavens. < Laughing >
Ricky: It's the marshmelon man.
Bubbles: Ah yeah, laugh it up boys. Laugh it up, must be
nice to sit out here and not have to deal with goddamn
dirty cock crustaceans. Ricky: Holy fuck man, chill.
Here have a toke of this honey oil, it's fucking
awesome! Julian: It's really good man.
Bubbles: So you three are just sitting out here
gettin' baked are you? Well guess what?
Julian: Guess what? Bubbles: What?
Julian: No, what do you want us to guess?
Ricky: What?
Julian: (Chuckling) What happened there?
Bubbles: Holy fuck you guys are baked.
This is guess what, somebody's got to drive me
to the laundrymat to wash these dirty little
fuckers off my sheets, now let's go.
Julian: Bubs we're way too busy today man.
Ricky: Yeah man way too fuckin' high (chuckles).
Bubbles: Oh yeah? How 'bout I dump the fucking things...
Ricky: Fuck off! Julian: Oh no, no, no fuck off!
Fuck off Bubs! Bubbles: Get the fuck up.
Julian: Throw your dirty crab bag into Ricky's trunk.
Ricky: I'm not taking my fuckin' car.
Julian: Rick, your car has three doors, it's easier man.
Ricky: Here you stay here little buddy.
Julian: How do you fuckin' function like this every day, Rick?
Ricky: It's fun, isn't it?
Ricky: YOU MAKE SURE THAT FUCKING BAG'S GOOD AND TIED
UP THERE BUBBLES!!!
Bubbles: You make sure you FUCK OFF Ricky, how 'bout that?
Bubbles: Okay boys now that you're both
good AND FUCKING HIGH I need you to go on
a little mission for me. Bear, I need you to go to the
pharmacy and get me twenty-two bottles of
medicated crab shampoo.
Julian: (Laughing) Twenty-two bottles, are you fucking kidding me?
Bubbles: That's how much it's going to take
and you can tease me and make fun of me
or you can put on this suit and take the dirty
old sheets and go wash them yourself it's your choice.
Ricky: Holy fuck man, calm down. Look I had nothing to
do with this but I'll make you a fucking deal. We'll get
your crab shampoo as long as you promise to take a big
fucking hit off of this bong and get in a
fucking better mood with us.
Bubbles: I don't want to haul off that and I don't want to get
in a better FUCKING mood.
Julian: Be a hell of a lot more fun watching shit go around and
around baked Bubs, come on man don't be a grumpy fuck.
Bubbles: [sigh] All right. One hit, is this the strong stuff?
Julian: No man (Chuckling).
[Laughing]
Ricky: Good luck buddy.
Bubbles: (Spitting) Jesus
Julian: He just spit in your car.
Ricky: Hey man... Bubbles: Ha, ha, ha, did I?
Ricky: Don't spit on... don't spit on my car.
Ha, ha, ha screwdriver.
Ricky!! (chuckles)
Okay, focus Bubbles.
Focus, you gotta job to do here.
Focus, stay focused.
Julian: What the fuck is he doing?
Ricky: He's fucked up.
Bubbles: Boys, what was i doing?
Ricky: Laundry [laughs].
Bubbles: [laughs] Laundry's hilarious.
Put your clothes in a machine [laughs]
What the fuck are we supposed to do?
Um... we've got to get twenty-two
bottles of crab shampoo [laughing]
Oh yeah.
Holy fuck!
Twenty-two!
Randy: Hey Don!
[sniffing] Ah hey! You've made love recently.
You dirty fucker.
You and Mister Lahey finally worked things out.
No we didn't actually.
Oh no?
Got really drunk and had sexual intercourse with a woman.
Oh ho ho, who's the lucky punta?
I'd rather not say. Don: Ah!
Randy: The worse thing is is I caught crabs. 'Cuz you and
I work so closely together I'd advise you to check
yourself out and fumigate your trailer immediately.
Don: Crap it all Randall I certainly can't harm a
creature of this world. Randy: But the friggen things
spread like crazy! I had to shave my whole region. Don:
I'll simply just meditate them away again! Randy:
You've had 'em before? Don: Yes, many times! Randall I've
been with plenty of women in this world and there's always
a chance of picking up a few of the unwanted hitchhikers
of love. Remember to sift throughth sand next time
before you dive into the dewiness, ha ha.
J-Roc: T, you know what I'm sayin' I didn't work for months
to make Roc Bocca a premium brand just to have you take
it down a notch with one video upload with crabs in it dog.
T: We're trying to reopen the bird.
I mean we gotta move some roc.
Dog you gotta raise the bar,
you know what I'm sayin'? It's a premium brand.
Ain't nobody interested in crabs 'less you opening
a seafood shack bitch!
Look... look I know.
Nobody wants crotch critters on their shit.
Yeah I figure, my bad, my bad.
But shit's been crazy since you
got locked up and I can't roll up here
every day looking for approval and shit.
You think shit's crazy where you at?
Try being up in herr, you know what I'm sayin'?
Shit crazy. Motherfuckers pushing up on me,
you know what I'm sayin'? I'm hard, but I'm
just worried 'cuz other motherfuckers
are even more hard if you know what I'm saying.
You hard, you just hold your head up
and hold tight. Alright? Alright.
Hey T... come here you meh.
Good to see you boi.
Bubbles: All right you pinchy little bastards.
It's the end of the line for you guys. Oh no!
NO!!! Oh my god! (Whispering) Oh my god, oh my
god don't panic Bubbles, don't panic. Do not panic! Oh
my god the suit... oh, OH it's stuck! IT'S STUCK!!! OH, OH,
OH MY GOD!!! Oh I can feel... Oh my god! HELP ME GET
NAKED!! HELP ME GET NAKED!! THEY'RE GOING FOR MY BIRD!!!
They're... they're going for my bird!!!
Julian: No man, I'm baked out of my mind,
I'm... I'm too baked! I can't even fucking
think about what we get Lahey.
What about a new stove man?
One of those ones, you know, the nice ones with
the glassy tops, he'd fucking love that.
Sam and Cyrus gave him twenty-two hundred bucks,
you want to get a glassy top stove?
It was just a thuck.
Thuck! All right man,
you go get the shit, I'm waiting here.
No, no, no. I had nothing to do
with the FUCKING crabs. I'm not going in there
to buy that shit. What if Lucy saw me?
Lucy?
Lucy's banging George, That's fucking disgusting.
Julian, they say beauty is in the eye when you hold her.
I still love her and I'm not fucking going
in there to buy that shit, FUCK THAT!!!
Fine, I'm too big to do this shit man.
You've changed Julian.
Shut up man no I haven't.
♪♪
Pharmacist: Can I help you find something?
Sir?
Tooth... toothpaste and it's...
It's not toothpaste.
Julian: [whispers] Fuck.
Ricky: Fuck you clouds... squish.
Julian: I fucked up. You need to go in there and get it.
Ricky: I told you, I can't be seen buying that shit!
Julian: Well here put this on and say you got bad allergies or somethin'.
Ricky: No!
Julian: Listen your the one that promised Bubbles, not me.
Ricky: Jesus Christ, fine.
If I'm going to do this I'm fuckin' doing it my way.
Julian: What are you doing? Ricky: I'll be right back.
♪♪
Ricky: Everybody put up your fucking hands and freeze!!!
Hello?
I'M NOT HERE TO HURT ANYBODY, I WANT SOME
FUCKING CRAB SHAMPOO AND SOME OF THOSE
PILLS THAT HELP MAKE YOUR FENIS GET BIGGER!!! MOVE!!!
Male Pharmacist: (Stuttering) Fen... fenis?
AH FUCK WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE'S DOCTOR ARE YOU?
DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A FENIS IS.
MOVE, MOVE. HURRY THE FUCK UP QUINCY.
Here's your... box of shampoo.
And your pills to make your fenis get bigger.
Look we understand if you're embarrassed to buy this stuff,
lots of people are, just don't hurt us.
Ricky: Embarrassed? I don't get embarrassed.
The shampoo's for my friends and the pills are for my FUCKING
daughter you labcoat dummy.
Just take that.
Ricky: Don't fucking move. [DISTANT SIRENS]
Ricky: COPS!! FUCK!!
Julian: Get us outta here! FUCK!!
Ricky: What the fuck?
I guess it wasn't for us.
Bubbles: You shouldn't touch me 'cuz you're
going to get things on ya. You're gonna
regret it! I'm telling ya they're going to be
crawlin' all over ya.
For fuck sakes!
Ricky: The hot tub, gold and silvery banjo,
a fucking outdoor crookie tooker, I don't fucking know.
Crookie tooker?
Let's just go to Lahey's, ask him
what he wants and we'll go and get it.
We can't man, he wants it to be a fucking surprise.
Well we can't go do a job right now with Bubbles with us...
so what the fuck are we going to do?
Well we'll have to take him home
and come back out and I'm NOT
smoking anymore of your dope.
Yes you are that was the deal.
Ricky: Hey Gary! Fuck off.
Julian: How'd it go buddy?
Bubbles: How'd it go ah let me see... oh
I got sentenced to community service, indecent exposure,
resisting arrest and under the influence
of narcotics. They thought I was on bath salts when
I stripped down other than that, great!
Julian: So what kind of community service they give ya?
Oh I gotta go to a school and tell little kids
the dangers of using drugs and you guys are comin' with me believe me.
Ricky: Fuck that I'm not doing that shit man.
On a good boat we got your crab shampoo it's in the back.
Bubbles: I hope the fuck you stoned bastards got
the right stuff. Where is it?
Holy fuck boys... I didn't need the great
big jugs that's awesome though! Really be able
to do some damage with that.
Ricky: Yeah it was ah it was on sale.
What's all this other stuff?
Ricky: Oh I picked up some pills to
help Trinny's fenis get growing better.
Bubbles: Her what?
Ricky: The fenis that's what they call the baby
when it's in the stomach before it gets born.
Fenis? Ricky these are penis pills! That's
like five thousand dollars worth of cock stiffners there!
What?
Those pharmetry fucking idiots!
Bubbles: Oh wait a second, so that means
you stole the fucking stuff too! Oh my god boys get me
the fuck home right now before I end up back in there
because of you two!
You just saved the day buddy.
How?
By fuckin' up (chuckles).
Bubbles: Fenis pills.
Julian.
Hey Jim.
Is that for me?
Sure is buddy.
Come on in.
Why would I need all these?
Has Randy been spreading rumours about me?
Oh fuck no. I overheard you guys talking about
your little situation the other night just
before you fell through the roof of the bar.
Oh... I don't know what to say.
I'm not going to tell anyone.
I don't care if your dick doesn't work man.
All I care about is you and Randy.
I want to help you guys out because...
that's what friends do for friends, Jim.
We're friends?
Of course we are. Isn't it better this way?
Yeah.
Just so you know no matter how much
liquor you got in ya those pills will always work.
Really?
Yeah, I've tried 'em a few times... just
between you and I, you know.
I want to thank you very much Julian
and this goes a long, long way with me.
So you're happy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Why don't you take one of those pills
and go find Randy. Have some fun man.
Right.
You look like shit Jimmy.
I gotta go man.
All right cheers buddy!
[door knock]
Lucy: Hey Rick.
Ricky: What brings you to this dick of the woods?
Lucy: Well George is working tonight
and Trin's got a date with Jacob so i thought
that I would pop by.
Nice. I was just thinking about you guys.
Aw, I love that picture of us.
Me too.
That's sweet that you were thinking about
us and I was thinking about you and...
I always think about you.
Really?
Yeah.
So what do you think about exactly?
Well I was kinda thinking that since you're with George
and you're probably not getting banged, right? And
I'm not with anybody and don't really want to bang anybody
but you then maybe we can become friends with the benedicts.
Who are the Benedicts?
You know those people you become
friends with if you wanna bang each
other with no things attached, friends with the benedicts.
Right... are you sure you want to be friends with the benedicts?
Oh it might be good for Trinity and the Grandchild.
I mean we're going to be fucking Grandparents
Luce, can you believe it?
So tell me Grandpa do you ah remember what
it is that Grandma loves?
You're fuckin' right I do.
Barb: Oh hey Julian!
Hey, how ya doin'?
Good oh I'm so glad you could come for a drink
I know how busy you are these days.
Hey we're partners. Wow, these the crystals
you got on your little trip?
Yeah they are and they have amazing properties,
I'm going to tell you all about them but first
I... I... I... need your advice on something.
Now I ah don't laugh okay? But I decided to try my luck in
online dating. Well I haven't had a whole lot of success with
men as you know so I've been... I've been looking through...
Barb, don't do that.
But ah Julian I don't want to be alone.
Yeah but if you end up with a fucking dickhead then you're just
missing out on a opportunity to find that special guy that,
you know, is going to love you for who you are!
Some guy that likes crystals. Some guy that
thinks you're the best fucking person in the world.
You deserve the best like don't fucking settle
for anything but the best 'cuz you fucking deserve it.
You're right. You are absolutely
right. I do deserve the fucking best.
Damn right.
And I won't settle I will wait for it to
come to me. It might take a little time but...
Hey, what's time?
Want to get high?
Ha, you kidding me?
No, I do once in a blue moon.
I... I tried it again at the retreat it was
all about consciousness raising.
Here. Sarah gave it to me it's... it's ah Ricky's honey oil.
Come on, fire up.
Fuck it.
♪♪