[birds chirping]
[vehicle approaching]
[Bubbles] Fuck off with the fucking noise!
[theme music playing]
[Leslie singing] ♪ Roll, roll, roll my tank ♪
♪ Gently on cars ♪
♪ Merrily, merrily ♪
[laughing]
[Ricky] Why the fuck can't you just go straight,
you tangly fuck?!
Jesus, Ricky, this looks fucked.
Can't you run the hoses inside the walls or something?
It's been a couple of hours.
What the fuck do you think I am? Flash Lightning?
Who gives a fuck what it looks like, man.
I'm going to be able to take showers and...
You fuck off!
I know what I'm doing, Julian. Trust me.
Yeah, okay, I trust you. Good luck, man.
For fuck's sakes! What the...
Fuck!
O-o-oh, there she is.
Hey, Barb, what's up?
Good morning, Sarah. Tyrone.
Tyrone, could I have a quick word with Sarah, please?
Yeah, you go ahead, girl.
I think Phoebe's ready for you.
Sarah, I found out what goes on
in that room back there, last night.
Okay. Barb, I know.
I totally should've told you.
Look, a lot of ladies are really getting off
on the service that we provide here.
Well, I am not surprised.
I have to say, I...
I quite enjoyed it myself.
Okay, wait. Are we talking about the same thing?
Oh, I think so.
I have a whole new appreciation for Donna's talents.
I feel like a new person.
Mm-hm.
[Leslie on megaphone] ♪ I've got a great big tank ♪
♪ And I don't give a... ♪
Oh, fuck!
Go-o-o-od morni-i-i-ing,
Sunnyva-a-ale!
I am Colonel Leslie Dancer,
of the Halifax Rifles 23rd
Halifax...
battalion.
And I am in control of the park.
You are in complete lock-down.
Have yourselves a very happy sunny villa day.
[dogs barking]
What the fuck is that?
[Bubbles yelling] What in the fuck?!
Pass me the pipe wrench, Cory.
Which one's that?
It's the one that looks like a...
stick that's talking.
[high-pitched voice] Oh, I think it's this one.
- I'm a wrench talking! - That's the one.
How the fuck are you two dum-dum
tarantula sluts not done yet?
I did everything else. I got to do this fucking too?
It's all connected, Ricky.
Just making sure all the joints are tight.
Check it.
[laughing] Holy fuck, nice work!
Running water, boys!
Nice work, Rick.
Great job, boys. Those plants look fucking awesome!
Look how healthy they are.
Thanks for coming, Lucy.
Listen, do you want to come in that room over there for a second?
I just want to show you something. It won't take a minute.
Ricky, I'm not going to bang you. Not now.
Gross!
I didn't say I was going to try to bang you.
I just want to show you this cool...
rock that I found. It's awesome.
Let's go.
Come on.
Cory, what the fuck are you doing? Are you family?
No. Fuck off. It's family day.
Sorry, Cory.
- [Ricky] Hey, Willy. - That's cool.
Cory, let's go. The net.
This is going to be awesome.
- What's up, dude? It's just you and me. - [phone ringing]
We can work on the motel or...
Hey, Bubbs.
Julian, you have to get the fuck to the park now!
I can't come to the park right now, man. I've got Open House.
Oh, yeah? Well, Leslie's here in a fucking army tank
driving over cars and shit!
I'm scared he's going to squash one of the oldies. Or me!
[Julian] He's in what?
He's in a fucking army tank, Julian!
He said the park's on lock-down
and he's crashing over things and squashing things!
You've got to get here! I think he might have had a drink or two!
Jesus Christ! All right, I'll be right there.
Okay, just hurry up.
Hurry up, I'm scared.
Okay, kitties, suit up.
Put your fucking hand down.
What do you want me to do?
I don't want you to do a fucking thing.
Well, should I check...
I want you to do nothing.
If you have thoughts telling you things to do,
- ignore the thoughts. - Got it.
What are you going to do with the thoughts?
Uh...
Holy fuck, you're stupid! Ignore them!
I need a lift to the park, let's go! Let's go, let's go!
- Hey, one second. - No, no, right now!
If anybody shows up before I get back, keep them here.
[engine struggles]
[Julian] Close the fucking door!
- [van door closing] - Okay.
[van driving away]
Cha-a-arge!
You bastards.
Oh, my God! What on earth is that?
[drunkenly singing] ♪ Singing in my tank ♪
♪ Just singing in my tank ♪
♪ What a glorious feeling... ♪
Come on, guys.
Look, I know you don't like it in these things,
but this is not a drill, this is an emergency code red!
Emergency ground egress. We've got to get out of here.
Holy fuck!
[Leslie indistinct]... ♪ Before I come here... ♪
[Donna] Jesus!
- Oh, my God. - What's he doing?
[Donna & Barb indistinct comments]
- I'm pretty scared, girls. - Ohhh!
[Donna] It's kind of making me hot, though.
Look at this place! Nobody in their right mind
would ever buy it now.
Leslie, you crazy cocksucker!
[metallic clanging]
Hey now, just, Leslie, you...
fuck off!
My kitties are in here.
You fucking...
[shrieking]
[Trinity] Hi, Moe!
Are you playing with Grampie?
Yes, I'm helping Grampa teach Jacob
how to plant weed clones, aren't I?
Hey, Willy, stay the fuck away
from those weed plants!
Jacob, Jesus Christ!
- Sorry, dude. - Willy...
- Go play with some deerts for something. - [bleating]
What a perfect day for a picnic with the family.
My two favorite girls,
my favorite little man,
the sun is shining, the weed's growing,
got the good kind of chicken fingers,
not the shitty ones like George fucking had.
It's fucking awesome.
- And I'm here. - [sighs]
- It's great, Dad. - It's really perfect.
Leslie, you fuck off!
My kitties are in there!
Turn that off!
Bubbs! What the fuck are you doing? Get out of there!
My kitties are in here and he's not squishing them!
Hell, mahfucker, it's like Tiananmen Square up in this, man!
[Lahey slurring] Julian, what's going on?
[Julian] Leslie's lost his goddamn mind!
Leslie, stop! It's not...
it's not me you...
It's me you want, not Julian!
How's retirement treating you, bud?
Retirement? I'm not retired.
A good soldier never deserts on a mission
and this mission is not over.
What exactly is the mission, bud?
If you don't know, I can't tell you.
You drunken sot.
Ricky, aren't you afraid
someone's going to find all these weeds plants out here?
No one's going to be out this fucking way any time soon.
This is where people say they saw the Saskatchawaunch.
Wait, they said they saw that around here?
Dumb people did.
It's probably a stupid bear or a dumb gorillna.
Saskatchawaunches don't exist.
Yeah, but what if they do?
This is no place for a baby.
No way, we're out of here. Let's go.
[Trinity] Mom, come on, they're not real.
You know what? I don't want to take that chance.
What if they are real?
No, fuck that, we're out.
Lucy, come on.
Jacob, way to go, man.
Thanks for fucking bringing that up, you idiot!
[distant growling]
What the fuck was that?
I don't know. Where's Willy?
- Willy! - [bleating]
- Dad, let's go. I'm scared. - Everybody fucking relax.
Saskatchawaunches aren't bullet-proof.
- Grab the camera, Jacob. - Here.
Oh, that's just great! That's just...
Thanks a lot, Rick. That's fucking great!
You think you're better than me?
You let the liquor back into your life, Jim,
and the liquor almost discharged me.
But guess what?
I challenged the liquor.
I taunted the liquor.
I took control of the liquor.
And I made the liquor my bitch!
And the liquor retreated.
I outdrank the liquor!
And guess what?
I will not be discharged!
Already are! Time to go!
You lose!
Ha! You think you've won?
You think you're a winner?
Name one single solitary thing
that you've ever accomplished
in your infantile,
messed up little life that's been successful!
- You're a loser! - Oof!
[Randy] That's it!
You're nothing but a frigging bully
and a bullshitter!
Let's go, Leslie! You and me!
Right frigging now!
Oh, we're going tribal?
That's my specialty.
Once again, I am the one that suffers
because of the goddamn liquor.
Okay, Barb, it's not the liquor,
It's the men.
Think about it. When we get loaded,
we don't end up driving tanks in our underpants.
Do you know what, Sarah? You are completely right.
Men are at the center of all my misery.
Yes, who needs men? Not this girl.
You know what, girls? Let's take off.
Just the three of us. Let's pack the car,
and drive off!
Okay, you know the special services
that we've been offering?
Well, we've saved up $6,000 in cash.
Oh, well, what are we waiting for?
Let's see where the road takes us.
No men allowed.
Like Thelma, Louise and what's his nuts.
[laughing]
Because only one of us is going to be walking out of here alive!
Bust him in the eye, Rand'!
[scattered cheering]
Fucking give it to him, Randy!
Top a biff, Rand', sayin'!
Kick him where it hurts.
- Do your shit, king! - Come on, do it, 1, 2, 3...
"Ignore all thoughts."
- "Ignore all thoughts." - [approaching vehicle]
"Ignore all thoughts."
"Ignore all thoughts"... Jeez.
"Ignore all thoughts."
Hi.
We're here for the open house.
I know we're a bit early but...
Are you the owner?
No, he's not back yet, dude.
Oh. Well, okay, then.
We'll come back a bit later.
Okay.
Uh, wait, no, actually, uh,
he said that if people come I have to keep them here.
But he also said do nothing.
So I don't really know what to do.
And... I...
I've got to calculate.
One second.
Okay, you know what? He said people stay here
after he said do nothing,
so I think that cancels it out.
So...?
So you can stay!
Well, that's great.
Do you mind if we have a look around?
No, go right ahead.
Actually, I'll show you
but I just have to ignore all my thoughts
- of showing you. Let's go! - Okay.
Holy fuck, they do exist!
There's one of those shit-covered sticky whores right there.
- Release the goat, you asshole! - [gunshot]
- [bleating] - Do you see that fucking thing?
- [Jacob] This is fucking crazy, Ricky! - [gunshot]
- You okay, little buddy? - [bleating]
Holy fuck, you smell like sweaty gravy.
The cocksucker must've got armpit juice on you.
Here, Jacob, you fucking carry him.
Fuck, he stinks!
[sniffing]
[Julian] Throw a punch, Randy!
Fuckin' crank him, Randy!
I'm not scared of you.
[J-Roc] Rand', jack him, dawg!
You know what, everybody?
I found Leslie Dancer's military I.D.,
and he was never a colonel.
He was just a frigging private!
- [gasping] - [sirens in distance]
[Bubbles] Hang on.
So he's... Private Dancer?
Like, dancing for money?
[laughing]
- Time to put you down, soldier. - [sirens getting louder]
[Lahey] Leslie, hang the fuck on!
Don't you hurt my Randy, Private Dancer.
It's Colonel Dancer, you... idiot!
Drop the weapon now!
Stand down, soldier.
You're pointing a weapon at a colonel.
Is that Private Dancer?
Private Dancer, lower your weapon!
It's Colonel Dancer!
Aaargh!
[Lahey] Get him, Randy!
[wet thud]
Argh!
Say I'm a Private Dancer!
Fuck! Randy's checking his oil!
- [J-Roc] Looks like he down a quart too. - [laughter]
Say it!
I'm a Private Dancer!
Get your goddamn thumb out of my a-a-a-ss!
[laughing]
Yeah! High five!
No, no.
I can't believe he stole a fucking tank.
The war's not over yet.
[J-Roc] Hey, Private Dancer,
[singing] ♪ Do what they want you to do ♪
- Sayin'? - [laughter]
[singing] ♪ He checked your oil Private Dancer ♪
[laughter]
Endless jokes!
Randy, oh!
Thank God you're safe! I love you, buddy.
Randy, I didn't know you were an André the Giant fan.
Who's André the Giant?
What?
The thumb up the arse,
that's an old André the Giant move.
He used to do it to Hogan.
I don't know who he is, Bubbles.
Sir, we'd like you to come back to base
and make an official statement.
It would go a long way in putting this lunatic behind bars for good.
I'd be frigging happy to.
Hey, Randy, do you want me to come with you, bud?
- I'm not going to be long, Mr. Lahey. - No?
I'll be right back.
Thanks a lot for protecting me, Randy.
Who's a loser now, Dancer?
[cackling, drunken muttering]
[sighing] Fuck!
Eon's! Cocksuckers!
[man] So, we'll talk to the bank
and be back to make an offer.
Thank you, young man. You've been very helpful.
Oh, thank you. You know what?
No one's ever called me helpful before.
Ever.
That's awesome!
Serious.
Where is that fuckin' Julian?
We're moving in!
What's up, old people?
Julian!
[Cory] Excuse me, where are you going?
You can't go in those rooms. Hold on!
[Marguerite] I'm taking number 8
and I'm not paying that first month of rent either.
[Cory] Wait!
Fuck, buddy, I'm so sorry, man.
Oh, it's all right.
I guess it was...
kind of too fancy for me, anyway really.
On the bright side, you can come live at the motel
with Ricky and I, you know?
Until we get everything figured out.
Yeah, I'd like that.
I love you, man.
Love you too, Julian.
Hey, Jim.
- Hey, Julian. - You did it.
You always wanted Sunnyvale all to yourself.
It's all yours, bud.
You're a winner, man.
Let's go home.
Whassup, dude?
Dude, it was crazy. We saw a frigging Sasquatch!
Ricky shot at it and scared it away.
It was nuts!
Whoa! Are you serious, dude?
Yeah.
Oh, he's serious. He uh,
he took care of basically everything. So...
I'm fucking turned on right now.
Can we do this right now, please?
Let's do it in the shower.
Cory, shampoo and two towels. Let's go!
Let's go! Let's go!
- Let's go! - No showers, dude.
All the seniors from Sunnyvale came
and they were stankin'.
They're all showering at once?
I hope you turned up the fucking pressure.
Well, I thought about it but then I ignored the thoughts
just like Julian said.
I did nothing.
What the fuck is wrong with your brain?
Go turn up the fucking pressure!
- Uh... uh... - [indistinct comments]
It's the other way, dummy.
Fuck.
[struggling] Fuck off!
Ah! Fuck!
[plumbing rumbling]
What the fuck?
- [yells] - [Cory] Oh... shit.
What the fuck!
Way to go, Cory!
What the fuck's going on here?
Julian's going to fucking kill you, Cory!
- Holy fuck! - Holy shit...
Oh, my fuck.
[screaming]
I'm sorry. It's... It's him!
Way to go, Cory!
You've just completely fucked the entire motel!
I didn't do anything.
Fuck!
[drunken humming]
[bottles clinking]
[Bubbles] The valves are all stripped, Julian.
I can't get it off.
The fucking floors are just done
Even the walls are getting all gummy.
It's done.
So you have no idea how this happened, huh, Rick?
Bullshit!
It wasn't my fucking fault, okay?
Things just got fucked.
I wanted to get banged, things got hooked up
and then all these old cocksuckers took over the showers.
It's Cory's fault. You told him not to think
and he didn't fucking think. He fucked it up.
My fault? No way, dude.
I did a good job, man.
I met two people today
that said I did such a good job
that they're coming back to make an offer.
Someone's going to make an offer?
Yeah, dude, I got your back.
Well, they're sure as fuck
not going to make an offer now!
You put that fucking hand down!
Thank you to whoever fucked up my hotel,
whoever you are.
How in the fuck
are we going to get Sunnyvale back now?
Huh?
Thank you, guys!
Way to go, Cory.
Hey, Cory, great job.
- Oh, right. It's National Opposite Month. - [sobbing]
You suck, dawg.
J-Roc, leave him alone.
It's all right, Cory.
I give up, man.
[panting]
Guess it's just...
me and you now, bud.
Oh-h-h-h!
Oh!
Got a nick... pickle
All the day... you have good luck... hm!
Ah!
[sighing]
I'll never fucking doubt you again, buddy.
It was a craziest fucking thing I've ever seent.
Forward fast through all this shit.
[Julian] That's fucked!
I know I said I didn't want full insurance at the time,
but is there any way you can slide it on there now,
- for fuck's sakes? - Keep going.
[Julian] Yes, I'll fucking hold. Just hurry the fuck up!
Keep forwarding fast.
- Where is it? - Past this shit.
I don't see anything.
Just a second. It's coming up.
Hit go! Hit go! It's right here.
Look at that fucking thing!
[Bubbles] My fucking God!
- That's a fucking Samsquamptch! - I know!
[Bubbles] Jesus Christ, Ricky, you got him.
What did he sound like?
It was just kind of groany and shit.
You should've smelt the fucking thing.
Oh, I know. They're dirty, rotten, filthy whores!
It must be just a baby.
It's only like six feet tall.
- My God! - All right, thanks a lot.
- Cool, huh? - Flood insurance is a no-go.
Oh, for fuck's sakes!
What are we going to do now?
That Squamtch is out there.
He's worth a lot of money.
If he's only a six-footer,
I bet you we can take that cocksucker down.
- [chuckling] - [sighing]
[seabirds squawking]
[fish] Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck...
[whisper] Fucka.