- And that totally proves—
—that neither me nor
Sam can play the guitar.
Okay, now it's time for
a brand-new segment
here on iCarly.
- Which we call—
The Blab Cam!
- Actually, it's really called
two-way high-speed
video confer—
- Well, we're calling it The
Blab Cam, so get used to it.
- Freddie, let's
talk to someone.
- Okay, we got a bunch
of people waiting here.
Uh... ooh!
Here's a guy all
the way from Poland.
- What's up?
- Hey, Poland.
Uh...
- So take that, Poland.
- Now let's try some
viewers from this country.
- Okay, uh...
here's a girl named
Valerie from Seattle.
- Hi, there.
- What's up, girl?
- Hey, you guys.
My name's Valerie—
long-time viewer,
first time Blab Camer.
I just love iCarly.
Awesome!
- Thanks a lot.
- Um, you look kind of familiar.
Have we seen you before?
- Yeah, I go to
school with you guys.
I'm just one grade ahead of you.
Hey, is Freddie there?
Can I see him?
- Why would a person
want to see Freddie?
- Right here, Valerie.
- Alright, can I just say I
think you're insanely cute?
Yeah?
- Uh Valerie, you might want to
check your webcam and your
brain,
'cause I'm pretty sure one
of 'em's malfunctioning.
- Sam! Hey, Valerie, since
you think Freddie's cute,
why don't you go
on a date with him?
- Yeah, it's a new
feature on iCarly,
which we call Date the Dork.
What do you say, Val?
- Well, I don't think
Freddie's a dork,
and I'd love to go
on a date with him.
- You won't be jealous?
- I'll try to be strong.
- Yes!
- Okay, Valerie.
Just email Freddie the address
of the mental institution
you're locked up in
and he'll meet you there.
In five,
four, three, two—
- So, you're gonna kiss her?
- I'm not even sure I
should take her out.
- You should take the
girl out, kiss her,
then step back before she pukes.
- I got it.
- Freddie!
- Uh, come in?
- Mom, what are you doing—
- I'm so proud of you.
I can't believe it's
finally happening.
Your first date.
- Mom!
- And with a girl!
- Mom!
- We're all in shock.
- How did you know?
- I was watching iCarly online.
- I didn't know you
watched our show.
- I always watch because I've
been worried about your posture.
It seems somebody
forgot our little rule.
- What rule?
- Just skip it, alright?
- Freddie, tell her the rule
about standing up straight.
You won't get respect
if your back's not erect.
- Oh, and I already have
the perfect outfit
for you to wear on the date.
- I'm not even sure if
I'm going on this date.
Yes, you are.
You're going.
But what if she's
not a—
- There is a living,
breathing girl out there
who wants to go out with you.
This may never happen again.
Unless...
Carly changes her mind.
- Uh, yeah, Freddie
and I are just friends.
- I totally understand.
- Thank you.
- Why won't you love my son?
- Mom!
- I'm sorry.
Anyway, I already have the
whole date planned out.
- First, I'm gonna cook
a lovely fat-free dinner,
and then we're gonna look
at your baby pictures.
Freddie had the
cutest little bottom.
- Okay, I'll give you $1,000 for
one picture of Freddie's butt.
- Uh, Mrs. Benson?
We already told Freddie he
could have his date here.
- Why here?
- Uh...
'cause my brother's
an amazing cook?
- Yeah, and he promised
to make us his special...
- Spaghetti tacos.
What? Noodles can't live happily
in a hard corn shell?
- Mom, will you stop it?
- But I'm not done
fluffing your hair!
- Yes, you are!
- How many times have I told you
not to yank electrical cords?
- Mom, I don't need you to—
- I'm gonna go plug this back
in, and when I come back,
that hair will be fluffed.
- Hurry!
There, alright!
Now, when Valerie gets here,
I need you—
- Bye, Mom!
- Okay, what up
with that outfit?
- Ugh, my mom made me go
shopping at the Wild Wild Vest.
You got my backup clothes?
- Upstairs. Help me.
- Hey, Spence?
Can I talk to you
seriously for a sec?
- Need a little
first date advice?
- Couldn't hurt.
I'm a little nervous.
- Just be yourself.
Talk about stuff you like.
- And if I run out
of things to say?
- Then just stare into
her eyes and say nothing.
That'll make you seem
all cool and mysterious.
She'll be, like, hypnotized.
- Yeah, I don't really think
that works, 'cause, I mean,
if I don't say anything,
won't she think I'm...
Won't she think I'm...
Won't she just...
- What doesn't really work?
- Alright, we got the clothes.
- Good, I'll go
change in the, uh—
- It's Valerie!
- Uh, Sam, stall her!
Freddie, take off
the stupid clothes.
- Hey, Valerie, how goes it?
- I'm great.
Is Freddie here?
'Cause I've been thinking—
- I said to stall her.
- She is.
I slammed the door
right in her face.
- Alright, okay.
I'm fine.
I am good.
My jacket—
- There you go.
- Alright. I'm okay.
Alright, how do I look?
- Well—
- Sam.
You look great.
Just, uh, here.
Okay, there.
- Alright, fine!
My hair's fine!
- Fine, thank you!
- Come on, let's go upstairs.
- But why?
But I just really
wanna— oh, okay!
- Hi.
- You're not gonna slam the
door in my face, are you?
- Of course not.
Come on in.
- Thanks.
So this is really where
you guys do iCarly from?
- This is the place.
I live across the hall there.
Mr. Freddie, Miss Valerie,
I will be your
server this evening.
May I take your fuchsia jacket?
- Sure.
- And how about some music?
- Great.
- Awesome.
- Perhaps another selection...
at a lower volume.
- Now let's see if I
can figure this out.
- What are you trying to—
- And this should
give us picture.
- How do you—
- I set up one of Freddie's
little webcams
and aimed it at the table.
- But that's spying.
We can't spy on Freddie
while he's on his first date.
- This is a really
good spaghetti taco.
- We're bad people.
- So the rabbi
says to the nurse,
"Why even have a three-chip,
hi-def camcorder
if you can't calibrate
the white balance?"
- You know, I have never
met anyone who's so funny
and who knows so much
about audio and video.
- Hey, nobody knows audio
and video like Freddie-o.
- Would you care to
see a dessert menu?
- Sure.
- Sounds good.
- I guess we'll
have the pudding.
- I'm sorry, we're
out of the pudding.
- So, who helps you with all
the technical stuff on iCarly?
- Nobody, just me.
- Amazing.
It looks so cool online.
- Good berries.
- Well, it's berry season.
- I did not know that.
- Yup, we've gone out together
every night this week so far.
I'd say we're almost officially
boyfriend and girlfriend.
- So which one are you?
- Have you kissed her yet?
- Maybe. A little.
- No way!
Did she puke?
- Wait, wait.
Was it this kind of kiss?
Or was it more like...
- Hey, Jeremy.
- Hi, Jeremy.
- Still got that cold, huh?
- Yeah.
Hey, you coming to the
computer expo this weekend?
- No, I can't.
I'm going roller
skating with Valerie.
- Well, maybe we could—
Ah, jeez, I think
I just sprayed my throat.
- Great saying you.
- Bye, Jeremy.
- Man, I don't think
I've ever seen that kid
when he wasn't sneezing and...
Wasn't there a dork next to me?
- Hey, you.
- Hey, baby.
- So, Freddie...
- So, Val...
- Remember when we were
on our first date
and you were telling me
how much fun it
is doing a webcast?
- Yeah, sure.
- I want to do one.
- Really?
Well, you should.
It's a lot of fun.
- Well, yeah, but I know,
like, nothing about
all the techy stuff,
so I was just thinking...
you wanna do it with me?
- You mean, you and me
do a webcast together?
- Uh-huh!
We can do one every week
starting tomorrow night.
- But tomorrow night
is when I do iCarly.
- Oh.
Well, okay.
- But I'll help you
any other night.
- Nah, no thanks.
I really want to do
it tomorrow night.
- But Carly and
Sam are my friends.
I can't just bail on them.
- Um, from what you told
me, Sam's not your friend.
You said she's always calling
you names and putting you down.
- I know, but she can't help it.
She's just naturally vicious.
- And doesn't she always call
you a button-pushing monkey
and tell you you're not
important to the show?
- Yeah, but—
- Whatever.
Don't worry about it.
I can just find someone
else to help me.
- Hey, wait.
I guess, uh...
I guess Carly and Sam can
find another tech producer.
- Aww! Now that's
my Freddie bear.
- She kissed you, and
she's not even your mom.
Impressive!
- Hey, I got your text message—
- Freddie quit!
- Quit what?
Sucking his thumb?
- He quit iCarly!
- What?
- By email.
- What's wrong with
the little punk?
- I don't know.
- Let's go slap some
sense into that boy.
Freddie!
- Freddie, open the door!
- Open up!
We need to talk
to you right now!
Uh, Freddie's not here.
I'm just a lady!
- What are you doing?
- Picking the lock.
- How are you gonna pick the
lock with— oh, like that.
Come here, Freddie!
Leave me alone, Sam!
Sam, what are you gonna—
Aah!
That was assault!
- Why are you quitting iCarly?
- Yeah, why?
- Well, 'cause—
'cause maybe I don't like
the way Sam treats me.
- Oh, come on.
- Yeah, yes, she's
always putting me down, and—
and calling me mean names,
and— and every time I get
an ice cream cone,
she licks it.
She just licks it all over
the place just to bug me.
- Great, now what's
the real reason?
- Okay, Valerie
wants to do a web show
and she asked me
to be her tech producer.
- Uh!
- So you're just gonna ditch
iCarly for another web show?
- That's competing against us?
- Valerie's my girlfriend.
What am I supposed to do?
- Dump the chick.
How about that?
- You guys were the
ones that talked me into
going out with her,
and now I'm the bad guy?
- Look, Freddie,
you better just—
- Stop.
He's right.
Huh?
- He should help his girlfriend.
- Thanks.
And I wasn't gonna leave
you guys with no help.
I got you guys a
new tech producer...
if you want him.
- Who?
- He's really good
with the tech stuff.
- Who?
- In five—
four—
three—
- In five, four, three,
two, one— I'm Carly.
- I'm Sam.
- And this is—
- And this—
- And this is iCarly.
- Now we'd like to welcome
aboard a new member
of the iCarly team.
- Our new technical
producer, Jeremy.
- Or as we like to
call him, Germy.
I got some spittle on the lens.
- Just wipe it off, Jeremy.
- Okay, this is another
new segment on iCarly,
which we like to call...
- Animals Dressed
Like Other Animals.
- Okay, first up, we have
a dog dressed like a pig.
- I'll go get him.
- You do that, Carls.
We'd like to thank
our friend Robin
for letting us
borrow her wiener dog.
This is for your Robin.
- And thanks to my
brother, Spencer,
for letting us use
his novelty pig parts.
Um, I'm allergic to pigs.
- It's not a pig!
It's a wiener dog!
How can you confuse
Robin's wiener dog with a pig?
I need a tissue.
- We're gonna wrap up
the show early tonight.
- So join us next week—
- Or not.
—here at icarly.com.
- Maybe, bye.
- Bye!
And... we're clear.
- Hi, Sam.
- Hey.
- I, uh, watched
iCarly the other night.
Yikes.
- I don't need your
review, alright?
- Hey, don't be mad at me.
- No, I will be mad at you.
You stole Freddie and
that hurt our show.
- Sam... you don't need iCarly.
- What do you mean I don't—
- Come do my show with me.
- What?
- Oh, come on!
iCarly's gonna crash and
burn without Freddie.
I mean, duh.
- You know, Carly
happens to be my friend.
- Then why isn't your web
show called Carly and Sam?
Why is it called iCarly?
- She didn't come
up with the name.
Freddie did.
And we all like it.
- Well, if you were my cohost,
I'd call our show Val and Sam.
Maybe even Sam and Val...
if you like that.
- This is a serious offer?
- Oh, yeah.
- You, me, and Freddie?
- Uh-huh.
And we'll knock Carly Shay
right off the internet.
And then, in a couple of years,
we could have the most
popular show on the web.
- I bet we could.
- That was the plan all along.
- You've got a
devious little brain.
I like that.
- I thought you might.
Let's talk tomorrow.
- Absolutely.
- Oh, and don't say anything.
We don't want Carly
to know about this.
- Believe me, I won't.
- She what?
- That skunk bag
tried to steal me too!
She wants to ruin iCarly
so she can have
the hottest show on the web.
- Oh my God, she's
just using Freddie!
- Yeah, and now she's
trying to use me.
- That little—
- Say it!
- I don't like to say it.
Spencer says it's not ladylike.
- Say it!
- That skunk bag!
- Feels good, doesn't it?
- Yeah, it does!
- We gotta go tell Freddie!
- Yeah, we are!
- Can we get a smoothie first?
- No, we cannot!
- You're talking
about my girlfriend.
- She's not your girlfriend.
She's just using you.
- Then I enjoy being used.
- Hey, Carly, there's a
little girl on the phone.
You wanna buy some
Girl Sprout cookies?
- No, thanks.
Huh?
- You gotta believe us.
- She tried to get me to
be on her web show, too.
- You're lying!
- I don't lie.
- Yeah, Sam may be
obnoxious and irresponsible,
but she doesn't lie.
Oh, you know I love you.
- She says if you buy 10
boxes, you get a dollar off.
- I don't want any
Girl Sprout cookies.
- She really doesn't
want any cookies.
Huh?
- Fine, I'll go
ask Valerie myself.
- She's not gonna
tell you the truth.
- She said no thank you.
- Valerie's using you.
- She is not.
- She is.
- We don't want your cookies!
- Believe us.
- We've been your friends
way longer than she has.
- How many times do
I have to say no?
Wait, how much for
the Twin Mints?
- How long 'till we go on?
- Seven minutes.
Where's Germy?
- In the bathroom.
He brought special nose plugs
that are supposed to keep snot
from dripping out
of his nostrils.
- Charming.
- Here he comes.
- Let's just get
ready to do the show.
- Here I am.
Whee.
- I put in the nose plugs.
They should keep me from—
- Where did my right plug go?
- Don't!
- I'm—
I'm sorry.
I can't—
I gotta go home.
- Now what?
- We can't do the show without
someone doing the tech stuff.
- Hi.
You were right.
Valerie admitted
she tried to steal me.
Yeah, she even tried to get me
to talk you into doing her show.
You guys were right about her.
She's a skunk sack.
- Bag.
- What did you do?
- Broke up with her.
- I'm sorry.
- That's cool.
- Well, come on!
Let's do a but-kicking web show.
That'll take your
mind off of it.
- Look, I know we haven't
rehearsed it with you—
- I didn't say I'd
come back to iCarly.
- Yeah, but—
- You said Valerie—
- That doesn't mean that she
was wrong when she said you guys
don't treat me like
I'm important to the show.
- I always tell you.
- Yeah, you do.
- Tell him he's just as
important to the show as we are.
- Oh, why don't you just make
me drink out of a toilet?
- Tell him!
- Freddie...
you're just as important
to iCarly as we are.
She gave me a wedgie!
- No charge.
Now come on, let's do the show!
- Hey!
Hi, Spencer.
- You guys rocked tonight.
- You saw our show?
- Yeah, I watched it over
at my buddy Socko's house.
- You have a friend named Socko?
- Yeah, he's the one who
sells me all the cool socks.
So I thought Freddie quit the—
- I'm back on iCarly.
- As our permanent
technical producer.
- Good.
- Hey, so what's Valerie
gonna do about her show?
- I think it's
probably still on.
- Well, go to her site.
- Hurry!
- Okay, okay, calm
down, I'm going.
- Um, so now if you'll look
at the monitor above me,
you will see, um, a video of my
family's recent trip to Idaho,
home of the potato.
- Why won't it play?
- I don't see why
it's not playing.
- Is she okay?
Yeah, yeah,
she's getting up.
- I don't know what to do now.
- I do.
- Hey, people!
- We need you to do something.
- You have to do this.
We want you to make
a crazy sandwich.
- Make an insane sandwich!
- Then take a picture of it—
—and send that pic
to us at iCarly.com.
- And if your sandwich
is crazy enough—
—we'll put it
on the iCarly homepage
for the whole world to see.
- So if you want to win
most insane sandwich ever—
—go make a bizarro sandwich—
—take a pic of it—
—and send that pic to us
at iCarly.com.
- Do it!
- We want your sandwich pics!
- And now, Sam and I
will make weird noises.
- Mah.
- Mmm!