My cousins
are coming this weekend,
so I have to make stuff
they can eat.
The Dorfmans are coming here?
- This weekend?
- Yes.
I've told you three times.
Awww.
What? You hate your cousins?
I didn't say I hate them,
but, yes.
Well, what's wrong with them?
Besides their last name
being Dorfman?
And they're just all dorky
and goofy and weird
and have allergies
and sing songs.
And they stop by here
every year
when they take
their dumb family road trip
to the Fresno raisin parade.
How come I never met them?
'Cause I like you.
- Let's go!
- Coming.
"iCarly" time.
- Aha.
What makes you waifs
think you can pass Spencer
the fencer?
Wait— don't.
Have a good show.
- In five, four, three, two.
Okay, and now
for another first on "iCarly."
Sam, you got a mouth full
of little watermelon seeds?
Uh-huh.
Watch this, people.
Go.
She spits. She scores.
Till next time.
Keep checking us out
right here at iCarly.com.
Not iSnarly.
iSnarly is just a web site
of a snarling dog.
- Not so good.
- See you.
Bye.
And we're out.
Whoo.
Okay, people,
let's go celebrate.
Whoa, you are not going out.
Why not?
'Cause you only have
a week left
to read your book for school,
and you haven't
even started yet.
Sam? Read a book?
I can read a book.
Name three books you've read.
"Boogie Bear,"Boogie Bear II"
and "Boogie Bear III,
the Return of Boogie Bear."
Oh, my God, Sam,
you never read a real book?
I've been busy.
She couldn't read a book
If she tried.
Says you.
- Wanna bet?
- No.
- Sure.
- Oh.
I'll bet you I can read
"The Penny Treasure"
by the end of the week.
- Don't bet.
- It's a bet.
And they bet.
And shall we bet the yoozh?
- Don't bet the yoozh.
- The yoozh it is.
They bet the yoozh.
If we go, you promise
you'll start reading
as soon as you get home?
Yes, mother.
- You coming?
- Sure, where?
- Glitter Gloss?
- Ah.
What's Glitter Gloss?
It's the most boring,
girliest store ever.
Well, next to Build-a-Bra.
- Oh, let's go there too.
- Yeah.
I hear they got
new glow-in-the-dark straps.
And titanium hooks.
Ah.
- You coming or what?
- No.
- Good.
- Later.
Man, I cannot keep hanging out
with girls all the time.
You wanna come hang with me
at the fencing studio?
Is it fun?
Like, what goes on?
Just a bunch of guys
with swords,
Swinging them around
and fighting,
your basic dude fun.
- No gloss.
- No bras?
- Just bros.
- Let's go.
Alright.
Good work.
Nice lunging.
Let's all take a break.
- Well, what'd you think?
- It's pretty cool.
Can I try?
You think it'd be okay
with your mom?
- No.
- Let's do it.
Okay, now, the goal
is to land a touch,
on your opponent like this.
- Got it.
- En garde!
Oh, gosh.
- Like that?
- Yeah.
This is your first time
fencing?
- Uh-huh.
- Wow.
And you're already better
than me.
- Jerk.
- What?
Kidding,
you sensitive little beast.
Come on, let's go some more.
- En garde!
- Oh, gosh.
Hey, Spencer, you finally find
someone you can beat?
What's it to you, Toder?
- Who's he?
- Toder.
Just a rotten teenager
who thinks he's all bad,
cause he's good at fencing.
How many times have you
and me fenced?
Oh, I don't know, like 30?
And how many times
have you lost?
I don't know, like 30.
Yeah well I'd like to see you
beat my man Freddie here.
- Him?
That kid couldn't even beat
my boys Tripp and Cleeshay.
Yeah, he couldn't even beat us.
I got this.
Talk's cheap, Toder.
- Spencer. Is this a challenge?
Cleeshay,
did he just Challenge me?
I think he just did.
Friday night, eight o'clock.
Bring your saber.
Come on, guys,
let's go get some French toast.
Dude, why you do that?
I don't know how to fence.
Yeah,
but I hate that Doug Toder.
Hey, Spencer.
You guys!
One second.
Yeah.
You genius.
Come in.
That's a foul.
So is your social life.
What's up, Carly girl?
I'm making dinner.
Oh,
mama came at the right time.
So what you got for me
to taste?
You'd hate everything.
This is food for my cousins.
Ah, the Dorfmans.
You know how hard it is
making dinner for six,
without meat, lactose,
sugar, sodium, fat or gluten?
- How hard?
- Quite.
And don't take this
the wrong way,
but why are you here?
Because I need some place quiet
to get cracking on this book.
How come you can't read
at your house?
Ah, 'cause my mom
keeps screaming at the cat
to get a job.
Yeah, I don't know.
Hey, Carly, Freddie and I
are gonna head over
to the fencing studio.
No, you have to stay
and help me get ready
for the Dorfmans.
I'll be back in time to help.
He's got to get me ready
to take on Doug Toder.
But you have to help me
set the table to make sure—
Uh, sorry, can't hear you.
You're breaking up.
We are not talking
on cell phone.
- Bye.
- Later kiddo.
Boom, you're it!
Ah!
Wow, man.
You are good.
You got me like
20 times in a row.
Twenty-two,
but who is counting—I am!
Alright, kid.
Don't get cocky yet.
You're good,
but you're not Doug Toder good.
Aww, can Toder do this?
Yes.
- Better practice some more.
- Ha!
En garde!
Ha-ha-ha!
Okay.
Come check out this clip
some kid sent in "iCarly."
This is insane.
You wanna know what's insaner?
The Dorfmans are gonna be here
any second,
Spencer's not back yet?
- Did you try calling him?
- No, Sam.
I'm just keeping my cell phone
warm here
between my cheek
and my shoulder.
He's not answering.
Well, maybe
something important came up.
Stop. Seriously.
Okay. Stop.
If he was doing
something important,
then
why didn't he just call me?
And—
The Dorfmans. Ew.
I'll be upstairs reading.
No.
Stay here
and have dinner with us.
You said they're
a bunch of dorks—
- Sam.
- Okay.
Yay.
I'm not eating
any of that jank food you made.
Hello, Carly.
Hi.
Hello.
This is my friend Sam.
Sam, this is my uncle Barry,
my aunt Tess, and my cousins,
Ozlottis and Faye.
Uh, what's that thing
around his neck?
Oh, Ozlottis has a scab
on his chin.
The cone keeps him
from picking at it.
I'm out.
Be right back.
You said
you'd have dinner with us.
Yes.
And then I met them.
Come on,
Spencer's not back yet,
and I don't think I can make it
through an evening alone
with the Dorfmans.
Oh, how bad can it be?
Duck.
Duck. Duck.
Goose!
Carly, now you have to chase
Faye.
Okay.
Come here, Faye.
Hi.
Sorry, I am late.
- Hello, Spencer.
- Me too.
- Spencer.
- Hi.
We missed you at dinner.
Listen, I feel really bad
about being late,
but I was helping
Carly's friend, Freddie,
with his fencing.
- But I'm here now.
- Yeah, not good enough.
Whoa! The Dorfmans gotta hit
the road.
Yes,
we have a long drive to Fresno.
Right, for the raisin parade.
We haven't missed
the raisin parade in 12 years.
Ozlottis has a scab
on his chin.
- Okay. Come on, family.
- Bye, Spencer.
- Bye.
- Bye, Carly. Bye, Spencer.
We will see you next time.
- It's nature's fruit.
- You're mad at me.
- Yep.
- Look, I'm sorry.
But the time just got away
from me.
Well, I wish the time
had gotten away from me,
but no.
I got to spend
the last two hours
on planet Dorfman.
- You have every right to be
mad.
- Clearly.
See, Freddie's got to fence
this really mean kid named, Doug
Toder.
I don't wanna hear
about Doug Toder.
- But—
- Eh—
- Carly—
- I said, "Eh."
Your fencing
with Freddie days are over.
- But—
- No more fencing with Freddie.
Okay.
And since I made you
suffer through—
I did suffer.
I'll help you clean up
the kitchen.
No.
You'll go in there
and you'll clean up the kitchen
yourself.
Okay.
Hm.
Sam, you can come back
downstairs now.
- The Dorfmans left so—
- Shh.
You're actually reading
your book.
Sure am.
I am impressed.
Who's the dude?
David.
I hired him
read the book to me.
Then why is he rubbing
your feet.
'Cause he was late.
So I started reading
the book myself
and it is fantastic.
These things are great.
It's like TV in your head.
Well, I'm happy you
like reading.
But I still didn't get
why David's rubbing your feet.
I already paid the kid.
I had to make him do something.
Please call my mother.
Harder.
Well, I guess this is it,
Senor saber.
I will never thrust you again.
It's open.
- What's up, Spence?
- Nothing.
Come on.
I just had a nap,
drank two cans of peppy cola,
and now I am ready for action.
I can't.
Why not?
Carly got mad at me
for missing dinner
with the Dorfmans.
Now I' not allowed to fence
anymore.
So you're just gonna
let your little sister
tell you what to do?
Oh, come on. Don't go getting—
What was that?
I sliced your banana.
What are you gonna do
about it, huh?
I'll show you
what I'm gonna do.
En garde!
Give me it.
Oh!
You promised me
no more fencing.
He sliced my banana.
Anyway, you can't stop us
from fencing.
Oh, can't I.
- Where is she going?
- I don't know.
Either of you guys
got any lotion?
- Sorry, buddy.
- Nope.
- Who's that?
- No idea.
He what?
- My mom.
- Oh, my God.
How dare you teach Freddie
something as dangerous
as fencing?
Mom, you don't know
anything about fencing.
It's not dangerous.
I know more about fencing
than you think.
You're coming home with me
right now
and having a tick bath.
I don't have ticks.
'Cause the tick baths
are working, aren't they?
- Ha-ha. Tick bath.
- I should give you one.
Hey, Sam.
We found a tub
of old mayonnaise
in the dumpster
by the cafeteria.
We're gonna fill
these balloons with it
and throw it
at Ms. Briggs' car.
Come on.
Shh.
Reading.
Make sure
you get her windshield.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Freddie.
I'm sorry about the tick bath.
I was just really mad
at Spencer so I—
I am not upset
about the tick bath.
I get those every other week.
It's just—
Well, I do "iCarly" with you
and Sam all the time,
and I love it.
But it was just kinda cool
hanging' out with a guy,
you know?
Now you hate me.
Carly, come on.
You're like my best friend.
Your best friend that you hate.
I am not bad I promise.
Maybe we'll go get
a smoothie later, okay?
Okay.
Hey, Sam.
Does your mom drive you
on pickup truck?
- Yeah.
- It's on fire.
Shh. Reading.
- Absolutely not.
- But if I hadn't told you,
you never would've even known.
I will not allow Freddie
to fence.
But it's not dangerous.
- Ha!
- Come on.
Freddie needs some guy time.
And he and Spencer get along
very great,
so I think you should let him—
- What's going' on?
- Nothing.
Go home
and check yourself for ticks.
I'm trying to talk your Mom
into letting you fence.
- No.
- Why not?
I'm really good at it.
Don't you ever say that again?
- We're going home right now.
- No!
Fredward Benson!
Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't be allowed
to fence.
The Fencin' Bensons.
The Fencin' Bensons?
Sit down, Freddie.
I never wanted you to know.
What?
Your great grandfather,
long before you were born,
He led a troop
called the Fencin' Bensons.
They performed
with the Tingling
Brothers Circus.
It was him, his brother,
and their seven cousins.
They were gifted fencers,
wildly popular.
The Tingling Brothers?
Yes.
Your great grandfather
was a master at fencing.
But he became obsessed with it.
He forced my father to fence.
And later, my father made me.
Fencing's in our blood,
Freddie.
And I never wanted you
to become obsessed
like our ancestors.
Ah, come on.
- It's true.
- Right.
You know, my great grandfather
was a magic penguin.
His name was Pingo.
Mom, not letting me fence
is bad enough.
I can't believe you'd make up
such an insane lie.
I will not stand here
and be called a liar
by my own son,
or you, sassy pants.
Mom, you let me fence
against Doug Toder tonight
or else—
Or else what.
I'll never make another puzzle
with you again.
Freddie.
I mean it, Mom.
What's in that first aid kit,
an ambulance?
Just everything I need
in case Freddie gets hurt.
- He will be fine.
- You better hope so, Missy.
Well.
- You boys ready?
- Yes, sir.
You're going down, Fredward.
Ready.
Fence.
Point, Benson.
Alright, Fredo.
- Brilliant, Freddie.
- Kick his butt, Freddie.
- I can't believe it.
- Yeah?
Well, believe it punk.
Ready.
- Fence.
Point Benson!
- Whoo!
- Insanity.
Way to poke his chest, Freddie.
Poke it again!
One more point Benson wins.
What are you doing, Toder?
You're losing' it, man.
I know what I'm doing.
Ready.
Fence.
- What? Foul.
Come on.
- Out of my way.
You want a piece of me, Toder?
- Ah! Hey, help me.
Somebody get her.
- Yeah? Good luck.
Mom!
- Run!
Who's the best now, Toder?
Go get him, Mom!
- Alright!
- Yeah!
- Alright!
- So that's him?
- Yup.
That's my great granddad.
I always had a feeling
you came from circus people.
Come on.
Let's go rehearse for "iCarly."
- Let's do it.
- Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not so fast there, circus boy.
Pay up.
- Pay what up?
- I won the bet.
I read "The Penny Treasure"
cover to cover.
Yay. Good for Sam.
Let's go rehearse.
- Wait.
I don't believe you.
- Quiz me.
- Okay.
Who goes into the cave
and what does he find?
Jarvis goes into the cave
and finds the key
to tranquility,
four feet from Gideon's grave.
- Pay up.
You bet the yoozh.
Let's do it, boy.
Give me.
I'll get the mop.
Okay, do you think you've seen
everything new
there is to see at "iCarly"?
- Is that what you think?
- Well.
- You haven't. Nope.
- You ain't.
- You can see new videos.
- New pics.
- New blogs.
- New games.
- New lunch meats.
There are no lunch meats
at iCarly.com.
- Can we fix that?
- Shh.
The point is you can see
tons of new stuff.
Stuff you've never seen before.
- All at iCarly.com.
- iCarly.com.
You think we've said
iCarly.com enough?
Yeah. Wait, no.
- Mmm!